How to end a long marriage in the nicest way?

[CannotDoThisAnymore]

Weve not been in a good place for a long time. A good few years. He drinks a lot (daily) and spends a lot of time and money (around £180 a month) on this. I dont drink and spend my time with the kids. Weve been together 23 years. We dont own a house at the moment and are temporarily renting. We do have savings which will be a great deposit for a house each. He wants to buy together, i dont. My gut tells me if i do ill be stuck in this forever and far too much time has been spent already. No sex life. who wants to have sex with someone whose been boozing all night? If i say that to him, he will stop drinking the next night in anticipation and then go on and on and on about sex the whole evening which is off putting. If we go on a night away, he gets drunk and shouted at me last time then still expected sex.

gets angry easily, slams doors, shouts at us all. Will play loud music when pissed/pissed off. Says im boring etc. we live in a terrace house at the moment and i dont want to upset neighbours. He Doesnt do much with the kids. I do school runs, default parent, give lifts, make decisions etc. play dates, activities.

we both work full time. Both have separate pensions.

i just want a clean break with no hassle. Buy own house and live in relative peace!

any ideas of how to broach the subject. Ive trued before but he just says no and argues im no saint etc (i never said i was). I just cant seem to break free. I imagine he wants to continue so he doesn’t have to face up to alcohol issues and have less money for pissing up the wall. Its easy for him currently and he wont want the status quo to change

Ive sat him down and weve had a conversation (mostly me talking and him not listening). It’s literally not going in. He just sweeps it under the carpet. Ive looked into divorce but do not want to apply until he, well i dont really….agrees? Understands? Maybe i should just go for it.

Maybe a divorce petition is what it will take to penetrate?

We might be with the same man OP! Although I don't have children everything else you say resonates completely, especially the drinking related moodiness and failure to engage in discussing what needs to happen.

I kept trying to talk, I think I wanted him to agree it wasn't working so we could have some kind of idyllic, peaceful split. Of course he's not going to hand me that, his life will get harder (I do most of everything!).

I'm following this with interest to see how you do it!

@JeandeServiette i think thats what its going to take. That and telling close family/friends. It may help him to process it. I dont want to stay stuck in this crappy situation

@AltitudeCheck i can see what im proposing to him is not acceptable in his eyes. Im literally his slave. I clean up, wash and fold clothes, organise kids, drive them everywhere etc, do food shopping, deal with all life admin. Why would he want to leave? Im like his mum.

in a perfect world, id love him to go- yeah i see what you mean, yep, lets move on and have a second chance of happiness! Im delusional 🤷🏻‍♀️

You’ve already ended it op. I’m sorry. Start gathering your things and making your plans and let him know. You’re going to need to be proactive. And just say you want to do as much as you can for the kids so can he try to be helpful about it. All you can do.

I think it is going to be difficult to get him to move out, so the best thing to do is find somewhere else to rent and give notice to your landlord. You need to present him with a fait accompli.

me and the kids were larking about and one of them made a joke to him about him, something silly. Well he went mental. F-ing and blinding, telling us all to f off etc

How absolutely horrible for your kids. Get them away from him!! He is abusive to them. Every day you want to "not be the bad guy" is another day your children are neing harmed by living with an angry alcoholic. That's the only "bad" thing you are doing here. Glad you are now putting that right 👍.

He is vile and abusive at times, i agree.

Yes i just need to apply for divorce now. I do want him to move out really. I need space away from this and his name is not on the tenancy/bills so i feel he should go not me. He could move in with a friend/family - his parents have a spare room so he wont be homeless.

sick of the empty beer bottles stacking up outside in the yard and its always me who takes them to the recycling bins 🤦🏻‍♀️ I shouldn’t but they drive me insane and he wont do it

i just want divorce to be straightforward. I know it will cost but hopefully he wont uphold anything and we can do it cheaply. Do we definitely need solicitors or can we do it (silly me, can I…) do it myself?? Lets face it, it will be me driving it forwards not him 😒

For goodness sake OP, stop putting the man who abuses your children first.

Have you really no idea how confusing and deeply damaging his going mental in front of your children is?

He is abusing them.

Stop tip toeing around him.

Why didn't you film him behaving like that?

Send it to family and friends so they instantly know whats going on.

He is a selfish, nasty, child abusing alcoholic.

God knows the long term damage he has down to your children.

Look up CPTD and let that motivate you to get him out.

Who cares where he ends up.

Your priority should be your children, not the drunken abusive loser who terrorises them.

Kids like yours usually end up with huge issues during their teen years because of their home life.

Take their abuse by him seriously.

Stop putting him first.

He couldn't care less about any of you.

Just his own comfort.

Your poor poor children.

@CannotDoThisAnymore well done for getting this far, and yes you definitely need a solicitor to make sure it's all done as efficiently and effectively as possible.

I've just been through a similar situation and having a good solicitor helped me stay sane, as it's far from easy. I'd also talk to your GP about his alcohol issues and how they affect you and the kids - you need that kind of stuff to be on record in case he dares to challenge your proposed arrangements for the kids.

My ex wasn't a drunk but he was abusive, and he turned even more nasty when I told him I wanted a divorce - like you I'd asked him to get help many times, and eventually I had had enough. Don't imagine he'll play nicely because he won't, he'll go from pathetic and whimpering to aggressive and back again...but steel your heart and keep going. Life is SO much better without this type of man in it!

Phone his parents and tell them you are divorcing, can they please collect him at such and such time.
tell them he is being difficult and shouting at the children so you will be changing the locks on the house that's in your name and pack his things up and put them outside.
Change the locks op, pick a day, book it, have the kids at a friend's or your family and just get it done.

Can you change the locks if its a rental?

OP I echo what Shropshire11 has said. It's worth doing kindly and respectfully. You've detached but he may well not have done. Have everything ready to follow through and be ready to be kind, honest and firm. Please don't offer him platitudes or be pulled into offering an explanation or excuse to move through it more quickly. I've been on the receiving end of the break up of a 20 year break up: I'm over the relationship but not over the ending if you see what I mean - he was cowardly and dishonest and just wanted an easy life and responded to my heartbroken shock with impatience and derision. That's caused way more problems than if he'd just been honest about falling for someone else.
You may find yourself impatient with his reaction because, as you say, he's reluctant to face up to your feelings. Be kind because he's vulnerable but maintain the focus on what you want going forward. It's hard but I honestly believe it's possible to go about ending a relationship decently. But that may mean withstanding some uncomfortable conversations and being prepared to hear how hurt and upset he is (whilst holding firm and being clear on your decision). You can do this!

Of course, I've done it twice before, I just made sure I gave copies to the letting agents for them and the landlord.
Just tell them you've lost yours.

Talk to your landlord before changing the locks.

Definitely this is the way to go. Don't give him any warning you are going, or he might take your half of the joint savings away from you.

I think if it is the marital home (even if his name isn't on the lease) then you can't just change the locks.

Perhaps ask for your thread to move to legal or make a new one, you need proper advice. The longer you wait the longer it will take

You're doing great, OP. You'll be able to live with yourself better for trying the kind route, but if he can't respond, you're entirely reasonable to simply insist on the divorce anyway. Keep the communication as low emotion as you can, he'll lose power over you that way, and you won't feel guilty for any bad outcomes that might happen, because you'll know you were always kind & fair.

It took me years to pluck up courage to ask for divorce, only happened way too long after I knew it was over. Well done you.

@CannotDoThisAnymore I admire your desire to do this in as amicable and fuss free way as possible. A lot of people seem to love drama. Life isn't Eastenders. Unfortunately someone who doesn't want to split often creates the drama rather than 'going quietly'

Just thinking about him being abusive he often shouts at me, slams doors in the house, is “off” and “grumpy”.

We went for a night away last year just us two. Really looked forward to it and he started drinking pretty much when we got there. He Made an excuse to go to the hotel reception whilst i was in the shower but somehow ended up in the bar. We went out, i drove, we got lost, sat nav was trying to take us down a one way street which we couldnt get down. Anyway, his temper was rising, getting frustrated as he wasnt driving. Called me some really awful names. I ended up pulling over as i needed to see a map to work out where we were, all the time hes shouting at me. Eventually found it, Parked up, i was berated for not parking properly (i was between the lines fgs). Really pissed me off. Anyway, we went to one bar before our meal, he continued to get shit faced, we ate dinner and went back. I just wanted to go back. Then he tried it on with me but you know, being shouted at and put down etc doesn’t exactly make for a sexy evening. So i said no, not to mention he was so drunk, beer breath. He then sat with a face on for the rest of the night. Said id ruined it all 🤣 what a prick

Dont worry i have the savings in my account! 😼

just hate being the bad person

Stop calling yourself the bad person, OP! If you were advising a female friend or relative who was in your position, who would you consider 'the bad guy'? The woman sadly trying to end an abusive relationship, or the man who treats her like a slave and bullies her and their children?

You can't make him agree that this is for the best, because it obviously isn't for the best for him! He wants to be able to drink and take out his temper on his family, supported by a domestic servant. It's not that it's not 'sinking in'. He's just pretending not to get it, in the hope he'll make it too much effort for you to kick him out.

I agree with organising everything up front.

Your marriage seems miserable.

How old are your children? My children were
Under 7 when we separated (a long time ago!)
They are adults now and absolutely fine. Try to keep things as amicable as possible.

I can't help thinking there's a much better life out there for you and your children!

Change locks when he next goes out and then provide new set of keys to LL. just say you lost yours or something.