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Original poster

Ex paid for me to be traced and contacted. What do I do?

102 replies

danibc · 02/05/2023 11:50

Long story so will try to keep to the point.
Nearly 20 years ago when at uni, I met and fell in love with someone from another country. He's from a very traditional culture where arranged marriage is the norm.
We were friends all through uni before the romance side of things happened.
Long story but also his family (back home in native country) knew about me being his friend, they were against the romance and threatened him with all sorts of nasty stuff - emotional blackmail. He wouldn't stand up to them, despite claiming he would and promising me the earth. Claimed he wanted to marry me and would tell parents to deal with it.
After graduation (PhD) he went home to his native country in the Middle East and had an arranged marriage. Entirely predictable, no surprises there.
I cut off contact with him, mainly out of respect for his wife and because I needed to recover from all the heartache he'd caused me.
This was in around 2005.
Around 10 after that, he emailed me out of the blue saying he was returning to the UK for a work-related trip (alone) and asked if I'd like to meet. I declined as it felt totally disrespectful to his wife. He then sent a long rambly email about all his regrets, wishing how he'd stood up for himself and for me. Wishing he'd been strong enough to refuse the unwanted arranged marriage and so on.
I replied that he'd made his choices so had to live with them and that I no longer wanted to be friends (because he'd never taken any ownership or responsibility for all heartache he'd caused me).
All went quiet.
Then, around 6 months ago he got in touch out of the blue again, pouring his heart out. I ignored it.
His emails have carried on coming about 3or 4 times a week for the last 6 months. I've got tired of reading. Around 3 months ago he made reference to a "people tracing agency" based in UK that specialises in tracing long lost friends and that he was thinking of hiring them to "find" me.
Fast forward to last week, I received (at my home address), a letter from said agency! All official and I've contact them as well as researched to check it's all bona-fide. All check out legitimate.
Ex has paid a fortune for this to happen - I looked at their costs out of curiousity.
Sounds like he's told them I'm "an old friend" rather than any of the rest of the story.
I'm so upset that he's disrespecting his wife in such a way, writing all those (unanswered) emails to me over last 6 months, complaining about his regrets and decisions.
How do I deal with the agency - do I tell them the story from my position. It's unlikely he will have told them anything about being unhappily married and trying to track down his ex because he's missing me.
It all feels very delicate.
I've done a bit of googling and FB detective work... I've found someone who I think is his wife but I've no idea if she speaks English. Do I contact her? Or just tell the agency the full story and let them (hopefully) shame him into stopping.

OP posts:
Boopeedoop · 02/05/2023 11:54

I would message the agency and ask them why they are facilitating someone that is effectively stalking and harassing you!

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 02/05/2023 11:54

I would contact the police and report a crime (you can do it online, at best you will get a phonecall) and say you are being stalked. You will get a crime reference number. If you are certain that it is a legitimate company I would send the crime reference number and tell them he is stalking you.

Because he is, this is not normal or acceptable behaviour. Do not engage with him or his family. I am sorry this is happening.

AlisonDonut · 02/05/2023 11:55

What does the letter you received say?

Thatbloomindog · 02/05/2023 11:56

Exactly what @MrsRobinsonsHandprints says

tribpot · 02/05/2023 11:56

So he's paid this agency to find your home address? I certainly would have no hesitation in telling the agency their client is trying to harass you, but I wouldn't expect them to take any action, they've been asked to carry out a task and they have done so.

I would also go to the police, although I think it may be impossible for them to do anything about this when the harassment is being done from overseas.

I also would attempt to scare the shit out of him by emailing to say "I have your wife's contact details. I have had an email translated into <language> and I will be sending it unless you cease all contact" (doesn't matter that that isn't entirely true - you could have hired your own people tracing agency, after all).

peonypurple · 02/05/2023 11:57

Tell the agency the story and tell them you want no further contact and this is actually stalking and harassment. Tell them if he contacts you again in any way you will contact the police with evidence of all these unwanted emails.

Nimbostratus100 · 02/05/2023 11:57

no need to tell the agency anything, except you do not agree to your details being passed on, and will report the for a GDPR breach if they do.

And tell your ex-friend that you want no further contact, and you are blocking him, and then block him.

No dont contact the wife, dont contact anyone, just block this person and carry on with your life

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 02/05/2023 11:57

Police, definitely. And then block him.

Mari9999 · 02/05/2023 12:00

You have no obligation to tell the agency anything and you are not the marriage police so you have no need to contact his wife.

Ignore the agency letter and block his emails.

frazzledasarock · 02/05/2023 12:01

don't bother telling the agency the story.

speak to the police first on the non emergency number/via email ask their advice. State you are being stalked.

I think they may tell you to tell your ex to leave you alone and not contact you. So he’s aware his attention is unwanted.

purplecorkheart · 02/05/2023 12:02

I would contact the agency and tell them that in absolutely no circumstances are they to share any details with him. Also make a GDPR request from them to see what information they hold in relation to you.

Then I would report to the Police.

Keep a copy of all emails/ Communication that you have had. Block him on everything and tighten up you settings on social media. Also consider changing passwords/security question answers if any of your passwords are things that he might guess just in case he tries to use them when you blockhim.

Mari9999 · 02/05/2023 12:03

@peonypurple
Is receipt of unwanted emails a crime in your country? I don't understand the threat of going to the police .

SchoolTripDrama · 02/05/2023 12:04

Mari9999 · 02/05/2023 12:03

@peonypurple
Is receipt of unwanted emails a crime in your country? I don't understand the threat of going to the police .

Frequent unwanted emails are considered harassment in this country too! My ex was arrested for just that 8 years ago

Rainbowshine · 02/05/2023 12:07

So in order of actions this is what I would do:

Report to police on non emergency route, now

Block the man from all your social media and numbers now

The agency (if they are legitimate) should be used to people who don’t want to be found, so if you reply to them saying that the individual who commissioned the search is stalking and harassing you and that you forbid them from sharing any information about you for your personal safety - in writing

Don’t bother trying to contact the wife

These agencies are used for “long lost family” situations or for professional purposes - they won’t want their reputation damaged by being accomplices to stalking. They deal with missing persons a lot, adoption-related searches so they won’t bat an eyelid if you don’t want him to know where you are.

Rollergirl11 · 02/05/2023 12:07

It doesn’t sound like the OP has explicitly told her exe not to contact her anymore though. That would be my first course of action. And then block him. As well as contacting the agency and telling them under no uncertain terms are they to pass on her personal information.

feralunderclass · 02/05/2023 12:07

If she is from ME with a PhD educated husband it would be very unlikely that she doesn't speak English herself. I would contact her and give her a very brief back story and tell her that her husband is harrassing you. Forward the emails onto her if necessary. She deserves to know that her husband regrets her.

Original poster
danibc · 02/05/2023 12:09

Thanks for the replies, greatly appreciated.
Just to be clear, the agency have reassured me that they won't disclose any of my details or details to him without consent from me.

OP posts:
RandomGeocache · 02/05/2023 12:10

Mari9999 · 02/05/2023 12:03

@peonypurple
Is receipt of unwanted emails a crime in your country? I don't understand the threat of going to the police .

It might well be stalking and harassment but given that the ex is not in the UK and has not been in the UK since 2005, what exactly do people expect the police based in the UK to do?

OP should block his email address. Ignore the letter from the finding company. Absolutely do not involve his wife, or other family members. Set social media etc to private.

loislovesstewie · 02/05/2023 12:10

Telling his wife, who is after all another innocent party in this, will not improve her life. She may have few rights and telling her cause a detrimental effect to her.
Tell the police you are being stalked, so it's a matter of record. And advise the agency that you do not give permission for them to pass on your details.

warmmfeet · 02/05/2023 12:11

I just want to say I'm so sorry for your heart ache. I had a very similar experience but it didn't go so far as him hiring an agency to find me. Not yet anyway.

It's quite scary behaviour for him to keep on trying to find you and to hire in the agency. What does he even want at this point?

I think I would threaten him with police and contacting his wife if he doesn't back off. Then take it from there.

LadyJ2023 · 02/05/2023 12:12

Had similar an ex reported me missing persons I got a letter this was after 10 years of being apart. I just rang the number on letter politely told them I did not what any details given to him and I'm not missing and gave the gentleman a brief description of a few years of stalking and how eventually courts were involved stopping ex coming near me or interacting with me. Gentleman said it was not an uncommon thing for people to put in false missing people and that he would put on record I wanted no contact and no details given. That happened 2 years ago to me and not heard anything since.

Aweebitpainful · 02/05/2023 12:15

Nothing constructive to add except that I would do all the above ^

Rainbowshine · 02/05/2023 12:22

In reply to @RandomGeocache :

It might well be stalking and harassment but given that the ex is not in the UK and has not been in the UK since 2005, what exactly do people expect the police based in the UK to do?

The OP will have it on record that she is receiving unwanted contact, which supports what she is saying to the agency. Also the man is talking about coming back to the UK for work, who is to say he won’t visit again and try to contact her or even approach her in person? I don’t expect that for a moment my local police service would do anything as they don’t take VAWG seriously at all but that wouldn’t stop me from completing the online reporting form if I was in this situation.

pontipinemum · 02/05/2023 12:28

Very very creepy behaviour! I'm glad the agency have said the won't give out your address.

LuluBlakey1 · 02/05/2023 12:29

I don't understand why you didn't block him years ago. Just block him.