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Original poster

Ex paid for me to be traced and contacted. What do I do?

102 replies

danibc · 02/05/2023 11:50

Long story so will try to keep to the point.
Nearly 20 years ago when at uni, I met and fell in love with someone from another country. He's from a very traditional culture where arranged marriage is the norm.
We were friends all through uni before the romance side of things happened.
Long story but also his family (back home in native country) knew about me being his friend, they were against the romance and threatened him with all sorts of nasty stuff - emotional blackmail. He wouldn't stand up to them, despite claiming he would and promising me the earth. Claimed he wanted to marry me and would tell parents to deal with it.
After graduation (PhD) he went home to his native country in the Middle East and had an arranged marriage. Entirely predictable, no surprises there.
I cut off contact with him, mainly out of respect for his wife and because I needed to recover from all the heartache he'd caused me.
This was in around 2005.
Around 10 after that, he emailed me out of the blue saying he was returning to the UK for a work-related trip (alone) and asked if I'd like to meet. I declined as it felt totally disrespectful to his wife. He then sent a long rambly email about all his regrets, wishing how he'd stood up for himself and for me. Wishing he'd been strong enough to refuse the unwanted arranged marriage and so on.
I replied that he'd made his choices so had to live with them and that I no longer wanted to be friends (because he'd never taken any ownership or responsibility for all heartache he'd caused me).
All went quiet.
Then, around 6 months ago he got in touch out of the blue again, pouring his heart out. I ignored it.
His emails have carried on coming about 3or 4 times a week for the last 6 months. I've got tired of reading. Around 3 months ago he made reference to a "people tracing agency" based in UK that specialises in tracing long lost friends and that he was thinking of hiring them to "find" me.
Fast forward to last week, I received (at my home address), a letter from said agency! All official and I've contact them as well as researched to check it's all bona-fide. All check out legitimate.
Ex has paid a fortune for this to happen - I looked at their costs out of curiousity.
Sounds like he's told them I'm "an old friend" rather than any of the rest of the story.
I'm so upset that he's disrespecting his wife in such a way, writing all those (unanswered) emails to me over last 6 months, complaining about his regrets and decisions.
How do I deal with the agency - do I tell them the story from my position. It's unlikely he will have told them anything about being unhappily married and trying to track down his ex because he's missing me.
It all feels very delicate.
I've done a bit of googling and FB detective work... I've found someone who I think is his wife but I've no idea if she speaks English. Do I contact her? Or just tell the agency the full story and let them (hopefully) shame him into stopping.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 02/05/2023 13:13
  1. Tell company he has been harassing you for years and you do NOT give permission for them to pass on any information about you.
  2. Tell Ex his behaviour is totally unacceptable and stalkerish. You never want to hear from him again and you will be contacting the police to log these incidents with them.
Pipsquiggle · 02/05/2023 13:13

You must make it clear to the agency that you do NOT want to be contacted by their client and under no circumstances do they give him your contact details to him.

Your ex is their client so ask what are the usual next steps in this scenario where you want no contact.

Block him on all forms of media.

Do not contact his wife as nothing good for you will come from it so what's the point

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/05/2023 13:19

danibc · 02/05/2023 12:09

Thanks for the replies, greatly appreciated.
Just to be clear, the agency have reassured me that they won't disclose any of my details or details to him without consent from me.

I would put in writing to the agency that you have no wish for contact with him and that you’ll speak to the police about him stalking if he continues.

They will have dealt with this before and it might help with preventing him using other tracker agencies to just keep doing the same thing.

Also if it does continue having them tell him that you do not wish contact will make it easier for the police to deal with it as he can’t claim that he just thought you didn’t know he was looking/hadn’t got his messages.

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 02/05/2023 13:30

Several years ago I was internet stalked for about a year from a lad I'd met in a club and I started of being polite, then ignored him, then threatened him with police ect nothing worked. What did work was blocking him on everything. It's the only way. Good luck its horrible I remember my stomach dropping everytime my phone pinged.

SerafinasGoose · 02/05/2023 13:31

To keep up this level of harassment after so long a period of time is concerning. PPs' advice is wise: you need a paper trail with this one so report via non-emergency police.

If you've told him in 2015 to stop contacting you then do not, under any circumstances, contact him now. All you'll teach him is that it takes 8 years and a lot of escalation and pressure to receive a response. This is the last message you want to be conveying.

Be vigilant.

Pringleface · 02/05/2023 13:39

@danibc Have you posted about this before? I’m sure I read the exact same scenario a few months ago.

To add to what everyone else has said, I would tell them you want no further contact and report it to the police.

Topseyt123 · 02/05/2023 13:46

Tell the agency that you want no further contact with this creepy man for safety and security reasons so they are not to give him your address.

Speak to the police to report his harassment of you. Keep the messages he has already sent you as evidence. Screenshot them if necessary.

Block him on every possible means of contact. You should really have done this when you first asked him to stop contacting you, so do it now.

WinterofOurDiscountTentz · 02/05/2023 13:50

Nimbostratus100 · 02/05/2023 11:57

no need to tell the agency anything, except you do not agree to your details being passed on, and will report the for a GDPR breach if they do.

And tell your ex-friend that you want no further contact, and you are blocking him, and then block him.

No dont contact the wife, dont contact anyone, just block this person and carry on with your life

It's not a GDPR breach. If I trace you and find your name and address, phone number etc, and give them to someone else, there is no GDPR implication. You didn't give me those details, I have no obligation to keep them safe from others. I acquired the knowledge on my own and they now belong to me, not to you.

The agency may well have its own policy of not disclosing your information to another party, but legally they are perfectly able to do so.

Frances0911 · 02/05/2023 13:53

He sounds obsessive, and I would be quite worried that now he probably knows where you live, he could turn up at your home if he does come to the UK.

someoneisalwaysintheloo · 02/05/2023 13:55

Can't believe all the horrible advice telling you to contact the ex telling him not to contact you. Ridiculous.
That's exactly what he wants and then he'd have another channel to harass and stalk!

The police and the agency are perfectly capable of telling him that no contact is wanted.

I'm certain they've dealt with this millions of times.

Tell the agency he is a stalker and no contact is wanted ever.

Contact the police and report him so it's on record.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 02/05/2023 13:58

Tell the agency that you want no further contact with this creepy man for safety and security reasons so they are not to give him your address.

Speak to the police to report his harassment of you. Keep the messages he has already sent you as evidence. Screenshot them if necessary.

Block him on every possible means of contact. You should really have done this when you first asked him to stop contacting you, so do it now.

This and this alone. And block him on all your social media and devices. This is the path of the least drama. Personally, I'd also get a security system/ camera and warn friends and family to never, ever give out your details.

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 02/05/2023 14:05

someoneisalwaysintheloo · 02/05/2023 13:55

Can't believe all the horrible advice telling you to contact the ex telling him not to contact you. Ridiculous.
That's exactly what he wants and then he'd have another channel to harass and stalk!

The police and the agency are perfectly capable of telling him that no contact is wanted.

I'm certain they've dealt with this millions of times.

Tell the agency he is a stalker and no contact is wanted ever.

Contact the police and report him so it's on record.

Nope, the first thing the police will do is to ask you if you have already asked for contact to stop. If not they will ask you to do it. That’s how it works. They will only help if you have already asked for the contact to stop

There is not much legally that you can do if the person is based abroad, apart of asking them not to contact you ever again and blocking them completely.

BeenThereTooo · 02/05/2023 14:15

It's really not that complicated to get someone's address - all this agency talk. Any private investigator can look on the "hidden" electoral roll and provide that for a small fee..

Topseyt123 · 02/05/2023 14:28

YetAnotherSpartacus · 02/05/2023 13:58

Tell the agency that you want no further contact with this creepy man for safety and security reasons so they are not to give him your address.

Speak to the police to report his harassment of you. Keep the messages he has already sent you as evidence. Screenshot them if necessary.

Block him on every possible means of contact. You should really have done this when you first asked him to stop contacting you, so do it now.

This and this alone. And block him on all your social media and devices. This is the path of the least drama. Personally, I'd also get a security system/ camera and warn friends and family to never, ever give out your details.

Good point. Does he possibly have the details of any friends or family members who you are still in contact with? If so then contact them now to and make sure they also know not to give out any information on you if he comes sniffing around. Ask them to block him too.

Coconut90 · 02/05/2023 14:30

Just block him on everything (stop reading the emails) and tell the agency you don't want him to know your address.

He doesn't miss you. He's an opportunist wanting an affair.

Twospaniels · 02/05/2023 14:30

Nimbostratus100 · 02/05/2023 11:57

no need to tell the agency anything, except you do not agree to your details being passed on, and will report the for a GDPR breach if they do.

And tell your ex-friend that you want no further contact, and you are blocking him, and then block him.

No dont contact the wife, dont contact anyone, just block this person and carry on with your life

THIS!

the agency do not need to know any details. Just tell them you don’t authorise them to pass info to this person

block his email / mobile no etc

don’t contact his wife - in fact don’t contact anyone except the agency to tell them you don’t authorise them to pass on details and possibly the police to report harrassment

ShitFacedOnRetsina · 02/05/2023 14:30

In your shoes I would be concerned why he wants your address. He already has your email address and you have told him you don't want to meet. Anything after that is coercive and I would be afraid of his next steps.

I would block him and tell the agency that he is stalking you. If you get further communication by any means, I would then speak to the Police.

I guess you could ask the agency to tell him they have not been able to find you but then he would just get another agency and they might not be as scrupulous as this one in contacting you in a professional manner.

CoozudBoyuPuak · 02/05/2023 14:31

Reply to the agency saying that their client has already been in contact with you prior to engaging their services, and that you told him in no uncertain terms that you have no wish to be in contact, and any further steps they take to facilitate him contacting you will be aiding and abetting a stalker, so could they please cease and desist and you will report any further contact to the police.

BeenThereTooo · 02/05/2023 14:36

Coconut90 · 02/05/2023 14:30

Just block him on everything (stop reading the emails) and tell the agency you don't want him to know your address.

He doesn't miss you. He's an opportunist wanting an affair.

Exactly. So many men want to talk over their feelings with you after gaps of years and years and have that little flirt on the side.

updin · 02/05/2023 14:41

I'd report it to the police, this is harassment. Let the company know you're being harassed so they don't contact you again.

I would contact him one last time to explain you don't want any more contact, you feel uncomfortable and have reported to the police. Block him.

If he contacts again I would consider changing your details as frustrating as that is.

Pinkbonbon · 02/05/2023 14:43

Whatever you do, don't use your signature on any correspondence to the 'company'

TheGander · 02/05/2023 14:44

You say you are upset he’s disrespecting his wife by contacting you. But how do YOU feel about him contacting you, is there a part of you that is pleased/ flattered? Are you envisaging a future with him, maybe him leaving his wife, or leading a double life between having you as a mistress here and a wife at home? I’m asking because I’m not sure you really want it to stop. I wouldn’t trust the agency not to hand your details over. They have been paid handsomely to do just that. If you really want no more contact, go to the police. Inform him you have reported him and will take out a non molestation order if he makes contact again . That should put the wind up him, especially if it can affect his career and opportunities to here for work.

Hellybelly84 · 02/05/2023 14:55

Boopeedoop · 02/05/2023 11:54

I would message the agency and ask them why they are facilitating someone that is effectively stalking and harassing you!

Absolutely this - just say to the agency he’s harassing you several times a week (you’ve made it clear you dont want contact) and you will be informing the police if it continues any longer.

Whochangedmynamec · 02/05/2023 15:06

Loads of misinformation on this thread. Doing a search of publicly available sources is legal.

She clearly said she hadn’t blocked him.

Block him and ask him to stop. The past needs to stay in the past.