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Original poster

Ex paid for me to be traced and contacted. What do I do?

102 replies

danibc · 02/05/2023 11:50

Long story so will try to keep to the point.
Nearly 20 years ago when at uni, I met and fell in love with someone from another country. He's from a very traditional culture where arranged marriage is the norm.
We were friends all through uni before the romance side of things happened.
Long story but also his family (back home in native country) knew about me being his friend, they were against the romance and threatened him with all sorts of nasty stuff - emotional blackmail. He wouldn't stand up to them, despite claiming he would and promising me the earth. Claimed he wanted to marry me and would tell parents to deal with it.
After graduation (PhD) he went home to his native country in the Middle East and had an arranged marriage. Entirely predictable, no surprises there.
I cut off contact with him, mainly out of respect for his wife and because I needed to recover from all the heartache he'd caused me.
This was in around 2005.
Around 10 after that, he emailed me out of the blue saying he was returning to the UK for a work-related trip (alone) and asked if I'd like to meet. I declined as it felt totally disrespectful to his wife. He then sent a long rambly email about all his regrets, wishing how he'd stood up for himself and for me. Wishing he'd been strong enough to refuse the unwanted arranged marriage and so on.
I replied that he'd made his choices so had to live with them and that I no longer wanted to be friends (because he'd never taken any ownership or responsibility for all heartache he'd caused me).
All went quiet.
Then, around 6 months ago he got in touch out of the blue again, pouring his heart out. I ignored it.
His emails have carried on coming about 3or 4 times a week for the last 6 months. I've got tired of reading. Around 3 months ago he made reference to a "people tracing agency" based in UK that specialises in tracing long lost friends and that he was thinking of hiring them to "find" me.
Fast forward to last week, I received (at my home address), a letter from said agency! All official and I've contact them as well as researched to check it's all bona-fide. All check out legitimate.
Ex has paid a fortune for this to happen - I looked at their costs out of curiousity.
Sounds like he's told them I'm "an old friend" rather than any of the rest of the story.
I'm so upset that he's disrespecting his wife in such a way, writing all those (unanswered) emails to me over last 6 months, complaining about his regrets and decisions.
How do I deal with the agency - do I tell them the story from my position. It's unlikely he will have told them anything about being unhappily married and trying to track down his ex because he's missing me.
It all feels very delicate.
I've done a bit of googling and FB detective work... I've found someone who I think is his wife but I've no idea if she speaks English. Do I contact her? Or just tell the agency the full story and let them (hopefully) shame him into stopping.

OP posts:
Shhhquirrel · 02/05/2023 15:19

Blimey, ‘delicate’ is the last thing this situation is. If you want this to stop tell him outright not to contact you again.

Ballcactus · 02/05/2023 15:23

Sounds like harassment to me

Partyandbullshit · 02/05/2023 15:25

Tell the agency you don't want to be contacted.

Send him a letter (keep copies and tracking data), by FedEx, telling him to stop contacting you.

If he contacts you again, tell him any further contact will result in you contacting the UK police (which he likely won't worry about as he lives abroad), and/or taking any further steps legally available to you.

If he continues, send his wife copies of every email he's ever written to you. Nasty, but no more or less than his behaviour to you.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 02/05/2023 15:33

Although he lives abroad it sounds like he visits the UK for work. Therefore he will be concerned if the police have a record of him stalking and harassing people, it could cause him to not get an entry visa, or be detained at the airport when he arrives and blocked from coming into the country. DBIL got detained at New York just for having the same name as a UK criminal. It took about 3 hours for that to be sorted out and he doesn't have a criminal record or anything else in common with the man.

AliceOlive · 02/05/2023 15:40

I would reply once to the most recent email. "Do not contact <your name> again" Don't even sign it or let on it's you responding.

Respond to the agency. "I do not consent to anything about me being shared. Any further attempts to contact or locate me by this person will be considered harassments."

I would not contact his wife, or make threats to do so.

Any response you give will be a win for him, a way to keep the connection going.

littleducks · 02/05/2023 15:42

I would contact the agency and explain that you are not a long list friend, you have received recent email communication and chosen not to respond no further details. Then forget about it.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/05/2023 15:43

danibc · 02/05/2023 12:09

Thanks for the replies, greatly appreciated.
Just to be clear, the agency have reassured me that they won't disclose any of my details or details to him without consent from me.

I would still tell this agency that this man is stalking and harassing you and you will be reporting him and their involvement to the police, and then do it.

Batalax · 02/05/2023 15:44

Tell him explicitly and if he still ignores you, then go the police route people recommend,

Nowthenhere · 02/05/2023 16:08

My concern would no longer be with the wife who I have never met. It would be about my safety, welfare and that of anyone who lived at my address/he knew.

Report the crime before you become a possible missing person.

WinterofOurDiscountTentz · 02/05/2023 16:14

There's a lot of answers about stalking and harrassing and police. In reality he's only actually sent a lot of email....so OP can simply block him and that's it. There is no actual harrassing or stalking here, and the police will ask you if you have blocked his emails....

tribpot · 02/05/2023 16:29

He's sent a lot of email, and now paid someone to find the OP's home address. As far as OP knows, the tracing company won't divulge it to him, but presumably a less scrupulous one would. He's trying to take this into the real world, beyond email. I would guess probably to try and send her flowers and gifts rather than turn up at the door and refuse to leave, but it's still creepy and unwanted.

WinterofOurDiscountTentz · 02/05/2023 16:47

But they aren't passing on any info, so again there is no stalking or harassing.

Why hasn't OP blocked him already?

ejbaxa · 02/05/2023 16:50

Mari9999 · 02/05/2023 12:03

@peonypurple
Is receipt of unwanted emails a crime in your country? I don't understand the threat of going to the police .

Harassment is a crime in the UK.

WinterofOurDiscountTentz · 02/05/2023 16:52

ejbaxa · 02/05/2023 16:50

Harassment is a crime in the UK.

Show quote history

Indeed it is. But emailing someone is not harassment, and is not a crime.

FatGirlSwim · 02/05/2023 16:55

WinterofOurDiscountTentz · 02/05/2023 16:52

Indeed it is. But emailing someone is not harassment, and is not a crime.

Show quote history

Emailing someone repeatedly when it is unwanted absolutely is harrassment. OP needs to tell him clearly ‘please do not contact me again’ and block him. These are important points of law in any harrassment case. Then if he persists, it is harrassment.

THisbackwithavengeance · 02/05/2023 18:53

Don't threaten him, don't tell the wife. Don't get the police involved. You are confusing your own Western sensibilities with Middle Eastern expectations and norms of marriage. She likely won't care if you tell her and she's not going to divorce him over it so why cause trouble?

If he contacts you again, I would say politely and very nicely that it's been great to hear from him, you are glad he is well and you are sorry that he's feeling regretful about his choices but what's done is done and you have moved on with your life and you are not interested in having contact with him now. Wishing you all the best. And then block. Job done.

He's just seeing the lay of the land to see if you're interested in striking up an affair? He very likely does have strong feelings for you. It can't have been easy for him either to give you up after such an intense relationship and marry someone for whom he had no romantic feelings at all.

SchoolTripDrama · 02/05/2023 19:09

@WinterofOurDiscountTentz Yes it is!! My ex was arrested for it and that was ONLY emails!

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/stalking-or-harassment

Aquamarine1029 · 02/05/2023 19:13

If this first agency won't release your information without your permission, I'm concerned he will find an agency which will. That's why I think it's imperative that you file this with the police.

greyhairnomore · 02/05/2023 19:22

Are you on the electoral roll ? If so quite easy to trace anyone.

greyhairnomore · 02/05/2023 19:23

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 02/05/2023 11:57

Police, definitely. And then block him.

What will they do ? He doesn't live in the UK

Pallisers · 02/05/2023 19:27

He's just seeing the lay of the land to see if you're interested in striking up an affair? He very likely does have strong feelings for you. It can't have been easy for him either to give you up after such an intense relationship and marry someone for whom he had no romantic feelings at all.

He has already been told by the OP that she is not interested in meeting him - back in 2015. He has been emailing her 2 or 3 times a week for 6 months despite her not answering any of those emails. He has hired someone to track her down. This goes WAY beyond seeing the lay of the land if she is interested. She has clearly told him she isn't and he is still persisting. not taking no for an answer.

OP, you had a lucky escape with that one.

chipswitheveryting · 02/05/2023 21:52

tribpot · 02/05/2023 11:56

So he's paid this agency to find your home address? I certainly would have no hesitation in telling the agency their client is trying to harass you, but I wouldn't expect them to take any action, they've been asked to carry out a task and they have done so.

I would also go to the police, although I think it may be impossible for them to do anything about this when the harassment is being done from overseas.

I also would attempt to scare the shit out of him by emailing to say "I have your wife's contact details. I have had an email translated into <language> and I will be sending it unless you cease all contact" (doesn't matter that that isn't entirely true - you could have hired your own people tracing agency, after all).

This is a good answer

DogInATent · 02/05/2023 22:56

I also would attempt to scare the shit out of him by emailing to say "I have your wife's contact details. I have had an email translated into <language> and I will be sending it unless you cease all contact" (doesn't matter that that isn't entirely true - you could have hired your own people tracing agency, after all).

Not a good idea. He's known to be obsessive and clearly has boundary issues with women, and no acceptance of rejection. Why draw his wife into a position where her safety might be threatened?

FatGirlSwim · 02/05/2023 23:05

chipswitheveryting · 02/05/2023 21:52

This is a good answer

Show quote history

No it isn’t. Making stuff up and issuing threats just undermines the OP’s position should it ever end up in court, which it might if he is coming to the U.K.

I can’t emphasise strongly enough that you need to reply once, OP, asking him ‘please don’t contact me again’ and then block.

Opentooffers · 02/05/2023 23:12

Just tell the agency you don't want him to know your details as you are not an old friend, but an old flame, and he is married.
You could also point out that he has had your email address for years and could of just asked - this shows he's a bit unhinged.