Partners daughter doesn’t want me staying over

[Karen1392]

Looking for advice . My partner & I have been in a relationship for 3.5 years. We do not live together & live 1.5 hrs away from eachother. He coparents his children & has them every other week - boy (15) girl (13). Partner has been separated for 5 years and me 4 & we are both going through divorce process atm. Partner has stayed at mine regularly for last 3 years & has met my kids on numerous occasions , they are not (17) & girls 19/22 both away at uni.now. I have met his kids on a number of occasions & daughter is very chatty with me, son has slight autism-but have never stayed over to date when kids there. We would like to see eachother on the week he has kids but his daughter has flipped at this idea & says she cannot accept her parents separation. I understand she is only 13 but her parents have been separated for 5 plus years . I would like our relationship to move forward but how can it when we can only get to see eachother every other week . Am I being selfish or should my partner just tell her I am coming to stay ?

Your boyfriend could do irreparable damage to the relationship with his child by insisting on having you in their home.

Of course your relationship can progress, and you are being a little dramatic and selfish here.
You have girls, so you do know 13 is a tricky age when hormones are playing up and they are going through metamorphosis - from kids to emotional wrecks of early teenage hood; to hopefully more grown up teenagers; and eventually to young adults.
And you also know this won’t last forever.

You need to continue building your relationship with her. Not force him to ‘chose you’ atm. I think he should tell her that the two of you are in a relationship and eventually will be living together; and that you will be staying over in some not too distant future. But for now you are giving her time to get more comfortable with it all.

I’ve been that 13 year old girl.
Whilst I wasn’t still bothered about my parents no longer being together at that point, having someone else’s choice of partner force their existence into your life and your home is, as pp said, pretty damaging.

I think they only see their dad every other week - that time is precious and limited, I think it should be a priority for him to spend it with them. If you're in this for the long run it won't be long until they're mid teenage years and won't want to be seen with him because it's too uncool - then will be your time to spend more time together.

Why do you need to see him on the weekend he's spending time with his children?

I disagree with everyone here. She’s known you 3.5 years, it’s been 5 years since their spilt. She is a teenage girl and doesn’t get to dictate who her Dad lives/stays with. I could understand if this was all new and fresh but at some point she has to accept that her Dad has moved on. I don’t think it does children any favours to be allowed to dictate their parents lives to this extent.

I doubt she’ll ever change her view - so if you want to move forward with your relationship she’ll either have to accept it or you’ll have to live apart indefinitely and hope she changes her mind.

Your OH needs to explain that he loves her very much, that he respects her but he is in a relationship now and that means things will change and what can he do to make that easier - maybe promise a meal out just the two of them or whatever it is that she enjoys doing with him.

She probably wants that time with her dad, and I think we can all understand that. Let him spend that time with his kids

I must add - I was that 13yo girl. And must say my relationship with my mother has been affected for years by her doing exactly what RedTulip is suggesting.

OP says she met his daughter a handful of times - it’s different from them knowing each other for 3.5 years. When OP and her bf met - OP must have had three kids at home - so they probably preceded fairly slowly with introductions.

There is a difference between ‘pandering’ to the teenager and telling them they will give them time to get used to the idea of their parent’s partner moving to their space.

I don't think you should encroach on their time together if she is unhappy with that.
13 is a tricky age but she won't be 13 forever, come back to this in a year or so and in the meantime perhaps try to strengthen your relationship with her.

Accepting her dad has a gf is different to sharing living space, try to be a bit more compassionate towards her.

Given that he doesn't seem to do 50/50, the time he has with his kids should be preserved. It won't be for much longer.

Oops I misread as every other weekend. But I see its every other week. That's different then.

Why can’t you just see your partner when the DC aren’t around? Teenage years are hard, having parents who are getting divorced is hard. You could see each other when he doesn’t have his DC to avoid upset so why wouldn’t you just do that?

Do they only get to see him every other weekend? If so, why would you expect them to share that time when you yourself are complaining it isn't often enough?

Even if they are there all week, school days, homework dinner and bed are not high quality time.

Also. "Slight autism"

I would not let my teenager dictate when I see my parter.
It's been years since the split and you're not new to her life.
It's time the teenager got on with life.

Different situation if this was all new and fresh.

I wouldn’t bring a man into the house unless my kids wanted them there to be honest

I’d try and find some
solutions that don’t involve sleepover but involve evenings

There’s no such thing as “slight” autism. You either have it or you don’t and it’s not a linear thing. You could excel at knowing every single bird there is in the planet and how they build their nests and still be unable to wipe your own bum. (My son aged 10 by the way).

If his dd doesn’t want you there you’re not going to improve your relationship with her long term by forcing it.

You are being insensitive.

The key fact here is the the divorce proceeding are happening at the moment which at 13 she is very likely aware of.

She was probably still hoping that her parents would get back together but now realises it is final.

Certainly not the time for you to try to muscle in.

I think some people just assume that it will be easy to move in and bland two families together after divorce but it is obviously not always that simple.

Your partner's relationship with his kids should come first, not your wishes.

This *

It's time the teenager got on with life

WTF?! She’s a 13 year old child!

We have a slightly similar situation, my daughter isn't keen for my partner to be around, mainly i think because she can't relax in her own home as she wants to.

His DD has also expressed to her mum, and then passed on to him that his daughter doesn't want to spend time with my kids. So when we both have our kids every second weekend we don't see each other. Apparently she's ok with me though 🤷‍♀️ that probably annoys the ex wife. His daughter also doesn't like that her mums bf is over every weekend, this isn't apparently negotiable though

How many times is a number of occasions ?

If I moved someone in my kids would not be happy because they wouldn't be able to relax as they'd want to. Ds often walks around without a shirt (but wouldn't want someone outside of the family seeing him shirtless ) and would worry that a new adult might change the status quo because his dad and I parent him differently. For example he is usually home by 11pm here but if he's running late then I'm fine with it being later. His dad treats him much younger and if he lived locally would probably balk at my laxness.

If a partner was visiting then they'd be fine. They would treat them the same way as they'd expect me to treat their friends. It's just the overnight element makes things different.

I suspect that she'll be also squeamish about the possibility that you and her dad would be shagging. Obviously this can happen at any time of day but maybe in her teen mind, it's more likely to be at night?

To be clear , I am not forcing my partner to choose or forcing anything!
I am merely asking advice , not to be judged !
I am not intending to move in or stay all week, just the OCCASIONAL Saturday night given that I live quite a distance away & we both have our own businesses & commitments which keep us busy during the week.
he has his kids every other week , not every other weekend !
I also wish to spend time with his kids getting to know them more so as should the time come in the far future we may marry or co-habitate which we have discussed . But when his kids are left home. Daughter has been aware of me from day one but we were very slow in introducing eachother to our kids (being responsible parents) until we were serious about a future together & being considerate to all our kids feelings! We are both in our late fifties , not teenagers !

Then it might be a matter of a few hours together, rather than overnights and all weekend

OP won’t necessarily be glued to her OH and taking him away from his DD. Presumably at 13 she doesn’t spend all day with him anyway?