Page 2 | Partners daughter doesn’t want me staying over

Ilovelurchers · 29/04/2023 19:53

Totally wrong for him to give a 13 year old so much power over his life - it must be very unsettling and disturbing for her to wield this degree of control over two adults, I would think.

Providing your partner still gets a decent amount of quality time with his kids, there should be no problem with your staying over, and it's not something a teenager should be dictating one way or the other.

On these boards a lot of posters seem uncomfortable with the idea of people with children getting together with new people at all, let alone the children ever meeting that new partner, as if this will somehow be deeply scarring. In reality, vast numbers of people have kids AND relationships with people other than those kids other biological parent, and everybody copes fine! I often wonder whether a lot of posters on here perhaps have kids with an ex who has moved on to a new relationship, and maybe they feel bad about that, so it makes them uncomfortable with the idea of parents dating in general? I've absolutely no evidence of this, it's just a feeling I get......

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 29/04/2023 19:56

He's only with her 50% of the time. A perfect setup when she doesn't want to spend time with you. Stop acting like a teenager yourself and leave things asthey are.

SunflowerTed · 29/04/2023 20:02

Ponderingwindow · 29/04/2023 17:08

Your boyfriend could do irreparable damage to the relationship with his child by insisting on having you in their home.

Nah the child doesn’t set the rules she has had long enough to accept it

SunflowerTed · 29/04/2023 20:03

RedTulipsSpring · 29/04/2023 17:30

I disagree with everyone here. She’s known you 3.5 years, it’s been 5 years since their spilt. She is a teenage girl and doesn’t get to dictate who her Dad lives/stays with. I could understand if this was all new and fresh but at some point she has to accept that her Dad has moved on. I don’t think it does children any favours to be allowed to dictate their parents lives to this extent.

I doubt she’ll ever change her view - so if you want to move forward with your relationship she’ll either have to accept it or you’ll have to live apart indefinitely and hope she changes her mind.

Your OH needs to explain that he loves her very much, that he respects her but he is in a relationship now and that means things will change and what can he do to make that easier - maybe promise a meal out just the two of them or whatever it is that she enjoys doing with him.

Totally agree. The child shouldn’t dictate.

SunflowerTed · 29/04/2023 20:05

Karen1392 · 29/04/2023 17:02

Looking for advice . My partner & I have been in a relationship for 3.5 years. We do not live together & live 1.5 hrs away from eachother. He coparents his children & has them every other week - boy (15) girl (13). Partner has been separated for 5 years and me 4 & we are both going through divorce process atm. Partner has stayed at mine regularly for last 3 years & has met my kids on numerous occasions , they are not (17) & girls 19/22 both away at uni.now. I have met his kids on a number of occasions & daughter is very chatty with me, son has slight autism-but have never stayed over to date when kids there. We would like to see eachother on the week he has kids but his daughter has flipped at this idea & says she cannot accept her parents separation. I understand she is only 13 but her parents have been separated for 5 plus years . I would like our relationship to move forward but how can it when we can only get to see eachother every other week . Am I being selfish or should my partner just tell her I am coming to stay ?

You partner needs to sit her down and explain that he loves her but he deserves a new life and he would like you all to be part of it. 3.5 years is long enough

Oopsiedaisyy · 29/04/2023 20:06

My ex does have a new relationship, she's lovely and my kids adore her, but i also know they still need time to not be "on", to relax

And while i do love my partner, my kids needs have to come first, always.

SunflowerTed · 29/04/2023 20:06

patrickbatemansbusinesscard · 29/04/2023 17:30

Why do you need to see him on the weekend he's spending time with his children?

Because they’re a couple?!!!!!

Oopsiedaisyy · 29/04/2023 20:06

Couples don't have to be together all the time?

SunflowerTed · 29/04/2023 20:12

Karen1392 · 29/04/2023 19:14

To be clear , I am not forcing my partner to choose or forcing anything!
I am merely asking advice , not to be judged !
I am not intending to move in or stay all week, just the OCCASIONAL Saturday night given that I live quite a distance away & we both have our own businesses & commitments which keep us busy during the week.
he has his kids every other week , not every other weekend !
I also wish to spend time with his kids getting to know them more so as should the time come in the far future we may marry or co-habitate which we have discussed . But when his kids are left home. Daughter has been aware of me from day one but we were very slow in introducing eachother to our kids (being responsible parents) until we were serious about a future together & being considerate to all our kids feelings! We are both in our late fifties , not teenagers !

i totally get where you’re coming from. You’ve been together years. Been in very similar situation and my now stepson hated me being around. We persevered and him and I have a brilliant relationship . Please ignore the posters who want to give all the power to the kids!!

Original poster

Karen1392 · 29/04/2023 20:19

Thank you-good to know there are some reasonable understanding on this thread. I didnt expect such harsh criticism. I didn’t think it was too much to want to see my OH a few times over a fortnight given we’ve been seeing eachother for over 3 years! 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:

2bazookas · 29/04/2023 20:19

She's only 13; her ideas will change as she reaches adulthood.

Plenty of happily married couples live apart half the time for work reasons, so I don't see why you and DP can't do that for a few more years until she grows up.

isadoradancing123 · 29/04/2023 20:38

She is 13, the separation is not new, she should not get to dictate her dads relationship. She will get worse if she is pandered to

Inthebathagain · 29/04/2023 20:59

Mumsnet is a silly place at times.

I posted something similar about a fortnight ago because I was cross my XH was having his US lady to stay in his flat the week that DS17 was staying with him. XH has only seen this person less than 20 days in the flesh and DS had never met her.

Apparently DS had to put up with having a stranger in his home because he was 17.

@Karen1392 I can understand both perspectives. Have you talked to your partner in depth about this? Has he talked to his daughter to try to understand her feelings? Can she articulate what she would be comfortable with at this time? As your partner is the expert on her, what does he think the best way forward is?

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 29/04/2023 22:11

A 13 year old shouldn't have this much power. You have been together for 3 years! I wouldnt waste my time anymore OP this is a strange dynamic. Has he given any indication on when you will be 'allowed' to stay over? Given this much control as a child will not translate well into adulthood.

Greenfairydust · 29/04/2023 23:12

@SunflowerTed · Today 20:03

''Totally agree. The child shouldn’t dictate.''

I truly pity anyone who might have you as a step-parent...

''The child'' is actually a teenager who happens to be struggling with her parents divorce.

Back to you OP: It sounds like your partner's daughter is being pleasant and reasonable when interacting with you. She just does not want you to be a permanent fixture in her home when she is with her father for now.

He is not even legally divorced yet

If you are in your Late 50s you are not going to start a family together and it is probably wiser to keep separate homes and your independence.

If you are really in it for the long term his daughter will soon start getting more Independent and will be more interested in her friends and boyfriends anyway soon enough rather than clinging to her dad and things will become easier.

Of course you are going to get some criticism.

As mentioned he is not even officially divorced yet and his priority is rightly his children, not you.

Also you might also have missed another factor: he might not want to move things on to the next stage with you...and is therefore very happy to continue a relationship where you see each other regularly but do not leave together and where you are no regular involvement in his kids life, which is why he is not pushing his kids to accept you and he might be using her reluctance as a convenient excuse.

When someone divorces they often don't want to jump straight back into a committed relationship and living with someone else.

Original poster

Karen1392 · 29/04/2023 23:15

Yea that is what we are doing!!! We have no intention of moving In together now!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Karen1392 · 29/04/2023 23:21

I have no intention of being “a permanent fixture in her home”. We intend to keep separate homes and we are both financially independent & own our own successful businesses. Our kids are of course both our no 1 priorities as it should be!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Karen1392 · 29/04/2023 23:26

Yes he has talked to her in depth.. I think her fear is I’m going to move in & he won’t make her pancakes in the morning anymore🤣 it’s the small things kids think about! We are just going to have to be patient as we are being , one step
at a time & reassure her she is no 1 priority !!

OP posts:

RedTulipsSpring · 30/04/2023 05:45

reassure her she is no 1 priority !!

Dads happiness, and yours, should also be a priority. It’s a balance of wants and needs not prioritising one person overall.

BSB30 · 30/04/2023 06:01

I think it should be acknowledged that the child is going through a lot right now. Although her parents have been separated a while, the divorce is underway so it is still very current. If she has been holding out hope all this time of her parents getting back together, this will be very hard for her to deal with. In her mind, she will view you as the reason why her parents aren't getting back together (even though that's not the truth).

I was 16 when my parents divorced and my mum got into a new relationship while the divorce was happening. It was traumatic and did a lot of damage to me. She would bring him round the house and I just didn't want him there.

Considering how his daughter feels at the moment, maybe best seeing him during the week he doesn't have his kids. Then slowly start to introduce visits when the daughter has processed the divorce.

WhoBird · 30/04/2023 07:27

2bazookas · 29/04/2023 20:19

She's only 13; her ideas will change as she reaches adulthood.

Plenty of happily married couples live apart half the time for work reasons, so I don't see why you and DP can't do that for a few more years until she grows up.

They might not though. It might have the opposite effect!

OP, this is her immediate emotional reaction, and it’s an understandable one. Her dad could leave it a bit, then chat to her about it again, maybe give a timeframe and keep talking to her about it…when it comes to it she’ll likely realise it’s not as awful as she thought and move on.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 30/04/2023 07:35

Ah well if your happy with how things are then crack on! Think a poster above might have nailed it though, hes using his daughter as an excuse. He likes things as they are. I dont know anyone who let's their teenager dictate anything.

Snoken · 30/04/2023 07:49

As a divorced mum with teenagers, there is no way I would let a man move in with me and my kids. If they were primary age then it would possibly be different but definitely not at the age they are now. It would completely change the dynamic of our household and it would make especially my DD extremely uncomfortable in her own home.

You also don’t know his kids very well considering you have been together a fairly long time and they only get to spend two weeks a month with him. That’s their time to feel prioritised and seen. Maybe just go on a few holidays together first so you can test what it’s like and build a deeper connection without being in their home.

I hate the viewpoint that kids shouldn’t have a say in who stays in their home. Luckily they are at an age where they can decide where they live now so if he really pushed for it they will most likely just not stay over at their dads anymore. I an sure your partner is worried about that too and therefore isn’t using the “my house, my rules, suck it up you’re a kid”-approach.

WandaWonder · 30/04/2023 07:53

I am wondering does the 13 have a genuine problem with it as her mum has not had another partner or other genuine reason?

There could be lots of things she is thinking but doe her father know she is really upset over her father having any new partner, or is there issues with you personally, or is she a child who would never be happy even if it was 20 years thry were separated for

She may only be 13 but there could be other issues maybe?

SuffolkUnicorn · 30/04/2023 07:59

I want to know what ‘slight autism’ is