Partners daughter doesn’t want me staying over

[Karen1392]

Looking for advice . My partner & I have been in a relationship for 3.5 years. We do not live together & live 1.5 hrs away from eachother. He coparents his children & has them every other week - boy (15) girl (13). Partner has been separated for 5 years and me 4 & we are both going through divorce process atm. Partner has stayed at mine regularly for last 3 years & has met my kids on numerous occasions , they are not (17) & girls 19/22 both away at uni.now. I have met his kids on a number of occasions & daughter is very chatty with me, son has slight autism-but have never stayed over to date when kids there. We would like to see eachother on the week he has kids but his daughter has flipped at this idea & says she cannot accept her parents separation. I understand she is only 13 but her parents have been separated for 5 plus years . I would like our relationship to move forward but how can it when we can only get to see eachother every other week . Am I being selfish or should my partner just tell her I am coming to stay ?

I also have a child with ASD. It’s a public forum, I’ll say what I like. 😅

I think the reality for a 13 year old is that they will know you’re there for sex and they will find it upsetting and gross.

Touché.

And for me that might be using, or atleast accepting the use of the phrase “slight autism”.

Hoe do stepparents/families happen if the partner isn't allowed to stay over at the house or move in?

She didn't say weekend, op's partner coparents and has them every other week. How does the relationship move on if the dad isn't allowed his partner over?

I know this is from last year before you say it.

OP, she might have been very chatty with you on the handful of occasions you've spoken to her, but I could be very chatty with acquaintances, too. It doesn't mean I want them moving into my personal space.

She mentioned the separation, but I wonder if a large part of the problem is actually due to a lack of familiarity. You've been in a relationship with her dad for 3.5 years, not her. You're effectively just some random woman who is apparently going to share her bathroom, her kitchen, her living room, etc. Those are quite intimate things - no one likes sharing with strangers, but they put up with it for close family (like mothers), but you're not close family.

I think you should drop the overnights issue and try to have some short but quality time with her on the weeks she is there. For example, you could go out for lunch with her and her dad and then disappear so you get some interactive time as a group, but they get the rest of the weekend together, and her dad/daughter time is preserved. Let her get used to you more before you broach entering her safe home space again.

Even when she is old enough to move out, her dad's home should still feel like her home, so I think it's worth taking it super slowly so she doesn't feel pushed out. It would be awful if she left as soon as she could and refused to stay over at her dad's because she didn't feel comfortable there.

I'd have thought that, if he has his children every other week, you could see your partner on the weeks he does not have them. You've known each other a long time and there is obviously no rush to cohabit. In time, his daughter will not mind so much but, at the moment, she does and it is her home as well as your partner's. You've played it sensitively so far so why not continue that way. At least you won't get bored with each other and will always have something to look forward to. Cherish these times, they are precious and won't last forever.

Eh?
What's "slight" autism?
You're either autistic or you're not.

This is an old thread

It is.

How are things now op @Karen1392 ?

This.

Now is not the time OP.

13 is a difficult age. I would wait until she's 14 and try again and she might feel differently.

Just see him when he is not with her

Find another relationship with someone else...perhaps someone without any children...and someone that can give you the relationship you desire.

Leave him alone. He has too much going on and other things he needs to focus on.
It's best if he didn't have any serious relationships until his children are of age to face the real world.

If he's not legally divorced, he needs to get a divorce before becoming involved with anyone.

It also doesn't matter when the seperation was, it clearly has an impact on his children and she perhaps the both of them are having a difficult time with it...don't invalidate her feelings.

Tbh you two probably shouldn't have become involved, nor inserted yourselves in each other's children's lives.
Neither one of you should be staying over.

I had the reverse.. my 9yo dd hated my partner staying over and hated me showing him any affection. She'd had a troubled life because her dad was emotionally abusive and I have to admit I was ready to finish this new relationship and stop him coming round.

My partner wouldn't give up, worked hard on his relationship with her and we saw a councillor for advice who told us she had to get used to him staying the night, and to see an example of a loving relationship.

In our case it was the right thing as she has a step dad she adores and has enhanced her life, but I am aware that had she been 13, perhaps it would have been different and more complicated.

I would definitely encourage him to spend time alone with her, perhaps meeting up altogether briefly.. and then gradually lengthen the times you spend together, before staying over. It will make life a lot easier all round in the long run.

I'd leave it she won't be young forever and once she is a bit older will be more excepting. Personally I'd prefer to let him have everyone week with his children alone. X

How do you know his DD really said that? Its more likely he simply doesn't want you around on the weekend he has his children so he's made up an excuse that you can't really argue with.

If you accommodate this now, you might have a much easier relationship later on because she feels secure.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable for wanting a long-term relationship to progress further, but given the situation maybe revisit this after the divorces are finalised and she’s had time to come to terms with it.