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Original poster

Partners daughter doesn’t want me staying over

93 replies

Karen1392 · 29/04/2023 17:02

Looking for advice . My partner & I have been in a relationship for 3.5 years. We do not live together & live 1.5 hrs away from eachother. He coparents his children & has them every other week - boy (15) girl (13). Partner has been separated for 5 years and me 4 & we are both going through divorce process atm. Partner has stayed at mine regularly for last 3 years & has met my kids on numerous occasions , they are not (17) & girls 19/22 both away at uni.now. I have met his kids on a number of occasions & daughter is very chatty with me, son has slight autism-but have never stayed over to date when kids there. We would like to see eachother on the week he has kids but his daughter has flipped at this idea & says she cannot accept her parents separation. I understand she is only 13 but her parents have been separated for 5 plus years . I would like our relationship to move forward but how can it when we can only get to see eachother every other week . Am I being selfish or should my partner just tell her I am coming to stay ?

OP posts:
SuffolkUnicorn · 30/04/2023 07:59

AuntMarch · 29/04/2023 17:59

Even if they are there all week, school days, homework dinner and bed are not high quality time.

Also. "Slight autism" Hmm

I’m wondering what ‘slight autism’ is 🙄

SallyWD · 30/04/2023 08:10

Just see him the weekends he doesn't have the children. 13 is a difficult age and if she's uncomfortable then I wouldn't force the situation.

Shanksponyorbust · 30/04/2023 08:17

You have known him for 4 years but the 13 year old has only met you on a “number of occasions” so she’s in a very different place than you in this situation.

Build up the time you’re there so she gets used to you being around. As this is a “new” relationship from her perspective the overnights are too big a leap. Remember shes 13 and puberty will leave her out of kilter and unsure of herself.

AllTheOtherNamesWereTaken · 30/04/2023 08:34

Could he float the idea with her of you staying over but sleeping separately?

Mortimercat · 30/04/2023 10:39

Karen1392 · 29/04/2023 19:14

To be clear , I am not forcing my partner to choose or forcing anything!
I am merely asking advice , not to be judged !
I am not intending to move in or stay all week, just the OCCASIONAL Saturday night given that I live quite a distance away & we both have our own businesses & commitments which keep us busy during the week.
he has his kids every other week , not every other weekend !
I also wish to spend time with his kids getting to know them more so as should the time come in the far future we may marry or co-habitate which we have discussed . But when his kids are left home. Daughter has been aware of me from day one but we were very slow in introducing eachother to our kids (being responsible parents) until we were serious about a future together & being considerate to all our kids feelings! We are both in our late fifties , not teenagers !

He is not your partner for goodness sake, he is your boyfriend. A partner is somebody you share your life with, you are not sharing your lives, you don’t even live near to each other. Perhaps you could stop jumping ahead with such labels might be less daunting.

aurynne · 30/04/2023 11:10

It's the child's home. So yes, she should have a say in who stays in it while she is there. You and your boyfriend could choose to see each other on the days his daughter is not with him, or in the worst case scenario you could see each other in a hotel room (she is old enough to be home alone for some hours if it's really so urgent for you to spend time together in the time she has her dad with her). But forcing yourself into her home when she has clearly expressed she's not happy with it is a very, very bad idea. Not only for her well being as a child, but to your future as a couple if you're not careful.

Original poster
Karen1392 · 30/04/2023 11:39

If you insist in being so pedantic I suggest you Google the dictionary definition of ‘partner’…..
a person with whom one shares an intimate relationship, one member of a couple. !!!!
To that effect OH is my partner.

OP posts:
spacechimp79 · 30/04/2023 12:03

I don't think you and your partner are in the wrong and tbh I'm not even sure why the 13 year old was asked for her permission. There is nothing wrong with you staying over there one night a fortnight.

TitoMojito · 30/04/2023 12:06

I was this child. Everyone also felt I shouldn't be able to dictate my mother's relationship, so her partner moved in. I was absolutely miserable. Our house is tiny, he was always there. I felt like a lodger. I'm an adult now and still upset by it. The overwhelming relief when they split up and he left was unbelievable. It was an unbearable situation. Tbf he was a shitty person and I'm sure you aren't OP, so hopefully things won't be so bad if you move in with your DP.

Only reason I'm saying this is because whilst I get people saying children shouldn't dictate what their parents do, you shouldn't also want your children to suffer for years feeling like strangers in their own home. Children have mental health too and deserve to have their boundaries respected.

TitoMojito · 30/04/2023 12:08

*Sorry meant to say, I know you have no plans to move in at the moment, but his daughter might be afraid of that.

IOnlycreatedaccountforthispost · 30/04/2023 12:11

i think the OP meant mild autism which is a level 1 diagnoses of autism. Contrary to what one poster stated there are in fact different levels.

LBFseBrom · 30/04/2023 12:11

I wouldn't worry about it at the moment as you have said that any 'moving in' is years away.

Right now you have the best of both worlds; a nice relationship, seeing each other alternate weeks, the rest of the time to do what you choose.

Enjoy what you have.

DoggosAloud · 30/04/2023 12:13

Just see each other when he’s not got his kids. Why place yourself there when you have the other week to see each other?

Slight autism? 🙄

LlynTegid · 30/04/2023 12:14

It seems to me that as the 13 year old DD is not there full time, you could visit only on occasions when she is not there?

Notamum12345577 · 30/04/2023 12:16

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 29/04/2023 17:49

Given that he doesn't seem to do 50/50, the time he has with his kids should be preserved. It won't be for much longer.

Hi has them every other week, so one week out of 2. I would say that equals 50 % 😁

Greenfairydust · 30/04/2023 14:18

@Mortimercat

''He is not your partner for goodness sake, he is your boyfriend. A partner is somebody you share your life with, you are not sharing your lives, you don’t even live near to each other. Perhaps you could stop jumping ahead with such labels might be less daunting.''

This absolutely.

Currently this is a dating situation, nothing more, nothing less.

There is no real involvement in his family life, you don't live together, you are based in different locations and have no shared financial responsibility.

This has been the case for 3.5 years...

Which is why I made the point above as to whether this man is really interested in moving to the next stage and whether the teenage daughter is not just a convenient excuse to maintain the current situation which gives the advantage of a steady relationship when he wants it without real commitment/need to make it more official.

RedTulipsSpring · 30/04/2023 14:27

SuffolkUnicorn · 30/04/2023 07:59

I’m wondering what ‘slight autism’ is 🙄

Show quote history

Is it that difficult to comprehend what OP might mean?

He has autism but it doesn’t have a huge impact on his life vs someone living without it. It is a spectrum after all. He can likely talk, walk, attends a mainstream school and wipe his own bottom.

Whereas some with ASD will need support 24/7.

RedTulipsSpring · 30/04/2023 14:28

Greenfairydust · 30/04/2023 14:18

@Mortimercat

''He is not your partner for goodness sake, he is your boyfriend. A partner is somebody you share your life with, you are not sharing your lives, you don’t even live near to each other. Perhaps you could stop jumping ahead with such labels might be less daunting.''

This absolutely.

Currently this is a dating situation, nothing more, nothing less.

There is no real involvement in his family life, you don't live together, you are based in different locations and have no shared financial responsibility.

This has been the case for 3.5 years...

Which is why I made the point above as to whether this man is really interested in moving to the next stage and whether the teenage daughter is not just a convenient excuse to maintain the current situation which gives the advantage of a steady relationship when he wants it without real commitment/need to make it more official.

So OP can’t get involved because she hasn’t been involved but hasn’t been involved because she can’t.

Is this not a bit chicken and egg?

DoggosAloud · 30/04/2023 14:39

RedTulipsSpring · 30/04/2023 14:27

Is it that difficult to comprehend what OP might mean?

He has autism but it doesn’t have a huge impact on his life vs someone living without it. It is a spectrum after all. He can likely talk, walk, attends a mainstream school and wipe his own bottom.

Whereas some with ASD will need support 24/7.

Show quote history

But may have massive issues with social interaction/anxiety/sensory issues/change etc, which could be a problem having OP in his home overnight.

The usual lack of understanding of ASD here.

RedTulipsSpring · 30/04/2023 15:11

DoggosAloud · 30/04/2023 14:39

But may have massive issues with social interaction/anxiety/sensory issues/change etc, which could be a problem having OP in his home overnight.

The usual lack of understanding of ASD here.

Show quote history

Have a child with ASD who is a teenager but with the developmental age of a two year old who cannot be left unattended and requires constant supervision. Save your lecture for someone else.

Hecate01 · 30/04/2023 15:18

I agree with the people who have said a 13 year old shouldn't be setting the rules.

Also @DoggosAloud I completely understood what she meant by slight autism and I say that as a parent of an autistic child myself.

Madamecastafiore · 30/04/2023 16:07

Does her mother have a partner stay over?

AuntMarch · 30/04/2023 17:51

I may have missed this elsewhere (can't see a "see all OP posts" button on the app), but if she doesn't want you staying over... What about spending time together during the day? Not every weekend they are with him, but maybe every other (so once a month) and perhaps that would facilitate a relationship between you and his daughter developing. Not over night, but maybe eventually, it could help her warm up to the idea of you being around?

CinnamonJellyBeans · 30/04/2023 18:09

RedTulipsSpring · 29/04/2023 17:30

I disagree with everyone here. She’s known you 3.5 years, it’s been 5 years since their spilt. She is a teenage girl and doesn’t get to dictate who her Dad lives/stays with. I could understand if this was all new and fresh but at some point she has to accept that her Dad has moved on. I don’t think it does children any favours to be allowed to dictate their parents lives to this extent.

I doubt she’ll ever change her view - so if you want to move forward with your relationship she’ll either have to accept it or you’ll have to live apart indefinitely and hope she changes her mind.

Your OH needs to explain that he loves her very much, that he respects her but he is in a relationship now and that means things will change and what can he do to make that easier - maybe promise a meal out just the two of them or whatever it is that she enjoys doing with him.

Yes.

DoggosAloud · 01/05/2023 11:49

Hecate01 · 30/04/2023 15:18

I agree with the people who have said a 13 year old shouldn't be setting the rules.

Also @DoggosAloud I completely understood what she meant by slight autism and I say that as a parent of an autistic child myself.

Then you don’t understand ASD as much as you think you do.