Pregnant and texting escorts - Long overdue update

HollyFern1110 · 28/04/2023 21:24

I didn't read your original post but, my god, that man is a monster!

Run, run as far and as fast as you can.

Tinkerbyebye · 28/04/2023 21:35

More fool you for taking him back. He is not going to change and has evidenced that

you need to leave with the kids

Seaoftroubles · 28/04/2023 21:36

From this update it's crystal clear that you should not have stayed. He sounds absolutely vile and not fit to be a partner or a responsible father to your children. Either leave with your kids or if possible kick him out asap.

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Purplefoxes · 28/04/2023 21:36

Yrmyfavourite · 28/04/2023 21:20

Hi again Mumsnet,

I've been burying my head and in a midst of baby bubble/baby blues and all the rest of it. My baby (a little girl by the way!) is now 9 weeks old.

So, I stayed with him. My decision was to stay at least temporarily and to coparent and take it from there after LO arrived. At first I was completely distant but, we gradually drew back together and by the time baby girl was born, we were all fine and dandy again.

I’m not naive, I felt like my eyes had been opened and I feel as though I’m numb to it all now..

Before DD2 arrived, I asked him to work on his anger and patience. He comes in from work and sits on his phone while DD1 tries to play with him and then gets very quickly agitated by her if she doesn't listen to him when he's trying to get her ready for bed etc so, I said he should sit on his phone in the car before he comes in the house or, stop somewhere on his way home if he doesn't want to sit in the car. I said as long as he tells me he's doing it, I don't mind. Even if he wanted to go to the pub. I just wanted him to have time and patience for DD1 and I could cope without him for half an hour if it meant he would be better for it.

The problem is, twice now I've found out that he's gone to the pub for a couple of drinks, then come home drunk and told me he's been at work late. I of course am fully aware he is drunk by his eyes and tone of voice but, he still thinks I’m stupid. Last time he was drunk he told me he had been to the pub and not told me a few nights before. I asked why on earth he would lie when I told him I was ok with it and he just laughed in my face and kept piling a face and apologising feigning guilt?! I can't help but wonder if he is seeing someone or, if he's just being a dick.

He did it tonight, knowing I have had no sleep after I took DD2 for her first immunisations yesterday as she was fussy all night. We are in separate beds so that she doesn't disturb him... he sleeps all night every night. I only ask him to do the late feed so i can go to bed a bit earlier and to swap with me on a weekend and do the night feed and so far in 9 weeks he's done 2 night feeds and I helped him with the first so, I've had one full nights sleep. Something keeps coming up, preventing him from doing it, usually alcohol. He even went on a three day stag do and my sister came to stay and help me out. I digress...

Anyway so, tonight he comes home and surprises me yet again with being drunk so. I guess I’m doing the late feed and the night feed tonight - despite having zero sleep to start with 🙃

There was an incident a few weeks ago. We went out for a meal, just us and the kids. His phone was on the table and it popped up with a message from "Susan" (no preview as, he has those turned off) I asked who she was and he said he had no idea and opened it and showed me. It said something like "How are you babe, I haven't seen you in ages 😛" I obviously assumed it was another escort or whoever else but, after replying and looking into it, I’m 99% sure it was just a scammer. However, I didn't react or say anything to him. We got home and put the kids to bed and I was doing some washing when he burst in and started shouting at me saying "are you really doing this, you're making a deal out of nothing" I told him I hadn't even said anything and he carried on about how he 'didn't fucking need this' and if I didn't trust him then I should leave and several other unkind things such as, i am causing a problem and he doesn't care anymore he's fed up with me and ended up making me cry. Again, it was his anger that was the problem - Whoever Susan is.

Anyway, there were obviously other small incidents but, the lying for no reason (or so it would seem) again this evening and my inability to be arsed to even discuss it with him, yet again, has made me realise that I just don't care anymore. And that's worse than being angry isn't it. I think it's over. But, how do you leave when you have 2 x small children, a mortgage and you're not working 😫 my family will support me (financially at least) but, fuck.

I’m sure this was mostly a rant and I should maybe read it back and delete half of it but, I’m currently laid with a poorly baby on my chest and I need to put her down and get some sleep myself while I can! Apologies and thank you if you made it this far x

You already know what you should do.
Please for the safety of your child if not yourself leave this man as soon as possible. And by that I mean in the next week, ideally next few days!! Strong possibility he will turn violent as he has zero respect for you. He is not going to do the feeds, he is not going to do anything as he clearly doesn't want to be a responsible father. Responsible father's don't mess around with prostitutes or swear at you when he should be showing some compassion and remorse.
Leave and get some perspective if nothing else! You are doing it all yourself already anyway. Can you stay with family or friends for a bit until you can get yourself back on your feet?

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Yrmyfavourite · 28/04/2023 21:42

So, my mum and dad would take me in within a heartbeat however, my mum has just had a major operation after getting cancer for the second time and is recovering so, I don't want to burden them with this at the moment. She's had the all clear that they got it all today (thank god) but, still needs follow up surgery and treatment.

I can leave, I just need to let mum recover first as, she doesn't need this emotional stress right now 🤦🏽‍♀️

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Catoo · 28/04/2023 21:43

He’s a twat OP. This won’t get better, especially with the drinking problem.
You need to leave.
Ask family and trusted friends to help you organise it all. Bet they will be more than happy to get you away from him.
x

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VivaVivaa · 28/04/2023 21:43

But, how do you leave when you have 2 x small children, a mortgage and you're not working 😫 my family will support me (financially at least) but, fuck.

Who owns the house? Both of you? You leave, move in with family, see what benefits you are entitled to, sell the house and get back to work as soon as possible. It won’t be fun but it’ll be better than your current situation. You can’t be shocked that your dick of a partner has turned into even more of a dick with the addition of another baby.

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LiliLil · 28/04/2023 21:51

How long are you going to keep making excuses for?

I mean this kindly, but this man is taking you for an absolute mug. He doesn’t give a shit about you and is pretty much cheating in plain sight. If you can’t do it for you at least do it for your girls, this is the relationship they will model in future. How sad.

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Daisydu · 28/04/2023 21:55

Not that easy for her to leave if she owns the house jointly. She won’t be entitled to benefits if there is more than 16k equity in the house and she isn’t living in it. So not that simple.

op, you do need to leave, but you may have a legal fight on your hands if he refuses to sell the house. Would he definitely not move out?

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Daisydu · 28/04/2023 21:56

VivaVivaa · 28/04/2023 21:43

But, how do you leave when you have 2 x small children, a mortgage and you're not working 😫 my family will support me (financially at least) but, fuck.

Who owns the house? Both of you? You leave, move in with family, see what benefits you are entitled to, sell the house and get back to work as soon as possible. It won’t be fun but it’ll be better than your current situation. You can’t be shocked that your dick of a partner has turned into even more of a dick with the addition of another baby.

She won’t be entitled to benefits if she jointly owns the house and her share is more than 16k equity. So she needs to consider that if she leaves.

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Odiebay · 28/04/2023 22:12

Genuine question... What does he have to do to you/your child for you to leave? You should have been done along time ago sweetheart.

Please start detaching and protecting yourself. Who owns the house? Are you married?

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Yrmyfavourite · 28/04/2023 22:16

We jointly own the house. The equity is in my favour however, we are married now so, that is obsolete I think? I actually don't know much about marital law at all.

I would make it as amicable and 50:50 as I could. It's possible that he could put the kids first and do the same as, he watched his parents go through a messy divorce when he was young. However... We split up in a jointly owned home before kids and he refused to even sleep in the spare room so, I did and then, he eventually left when I bought him out of that house. He was very difficult and bitter that time so, I've seen how hard it can be.

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LiliLil · 28/04/2023 22:23

Yrmyfavourite · 28/04/2023 22:16

We jointly own the house. The equity is in my favour however, we are married now so, that is obsolete I think? I actually don't know much about marital law at all.

I would make it as amicable and 50:50 as I could. It's possible that he could put the kids first and do the same as, he watched his parents go through a messy divorce when he was young. However... We split up in a jointly owned home before kids and he refused to even sleep in the spare room so, I did and then, he eventually left when I bought him out of that house. He was very difficult and bitter that time so, I've seen how hard it can be.

You have previously split up and bought him out of a house?

Why did you split that time?

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Spiderman89 · 28/04/2023 22:27

You will receive lots of practical advice and probably a bit of "why don't you just leave" victim blaming bullshit.

But I just wanted to say that you come across as lovely and smart and switched on and trying your bloody hardest how to look after your kids while also managing a complete arsehole manchild of a partner. Abuse survivors are the strongest because they are keeping the show on the road despite being thrown such utter shit by the man in their life

You've done it before. You can do it again. You and your little kids deserve so much more than this. You can make whatever life you want. Be free from him. You don't have to tolerate this.

Good luck x

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Yrmyfavourite · 28/04/2023 22:33

@Spiderman89 That reply meant a lot. Thank you x

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emptythelitterbox · 28/04/2023 22:34

See a solicitor, sell the house, and get away from this arse.

He's vile, drink, cheat.

I understand your mum just had surgery but I bet she'd be happy you getting away from him.

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gelatogina · 28/04/2023 22:36

Excuses, excuses, excuses.

he is walking all over you.

leave.

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Yrmyfavourite · 28/04/2023 22:40

@LiliLil We've been together for 12 years, since I was a teen and there has been a lot of toxicity over the years. On both parts, I should add - we both cheated in the early years when we were young and made silly mistakes. That split was about 6 years ago and the main reason was because I felt like he didn't care anymore and felt unappreciated because he was prioritising going out with friends drinking etc over spending time with me but, there was no "big event" such as this one that time.

The problem now is that only one of us grew up when we had kids.

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Yrmyfavourite · 28/04/2023 22:44

@emptythelitterbox agh, I don't know if she would. She's always very much entertained the other persons side of the story when it comes to me.

When I told her about the texting escorts and violence towards me whilst pregnant earlier this year, she told me to get marriage counselling and encouraged me to stay with him... I feel she would say the same now and all that I would gain would be pissing my dad off for bringing my drama to my mum whilst she is unwell

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Coffeeandbourbons · 28/04/2023 23:08

What do you even want from this thread?

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Ofcourseshecan · 28/04/2023 23:10

I don’t blame you for staying with him, OP. It’s hard to stay strong when you have just given birth. But really you now have to release yourself and DC.

Yes he may be horrible and make the break-up as hard as possible for you. BUT after that you and DC will be free. If you stay you have to put up with his abuse for ever.

Think what life with him will do to your little girls. What a miserable childhood, and what terrible role models. Please give them a chance of happiness by leaving him.

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Yrmyfavourite · 28/04/2023 23:15

@Ofcourseshecan thank you, I've honestly thought about it again and again for years but, I feel so trapped and I fear I won't cope or, I'll miss him or, I'll be lonely and everyone will judge me. I worry about what reason he will give my MIL for us splitting and the rest of his family who I’m 99% sure never liked me anyway. These people will forever be in my life because of our girls ☹️

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Yrmyfavourite · 28/04/2023 23:20

Even now. I’m sat nap trapped by my poorly 9 week old on about 2 hours sleep and he's getting drunk alone in his garage... 🤦🏽‍♀️

I'm seeing my mum tomorrow, I think I'll tell her about the recent events and see what sort of vibe she's giving me before I decide whether or not to tell her how I’m feeling about it all.

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ThreeLocusts · 28/04/2023 23:56

OP just a friendly wave. I had a nasty-drunk partner once and it took me four years from when I realised who he was until I split from him, and we didn't even have kids. It's hard.

But you'll get there💪

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Pregnant and texting escorts - Long overdue update