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Original poster

Pregnant and texting escorts - Long overdue update

98 replies

Yrmyfavourite · 28/04/2023 21:20

Hi again Mumsnet,

I've been burying my head and in a midst of baby bubble/baby blues and all the rest of it. My baby (a little girl by the way!) is now 9 weeks old.

So, I stayed with him. My decision was to stay at least temporarily and to coparent and take it from there after LO arrived. At first I was completely distant but, we gradually drew back together and by the time baby girl was born, we were all fine and dandy again.

I’m not naive, I felt like my eyes had been opened and I feel as though I’m numb to it all now..

Before DD2 arrived, I asked him to work on his anger and patience. He comes in from work and sits on his phone while DD1 tries to play with him and then gets very quickly agitated by her if she doesn't listen to him when he's trying to get her ready for bed etc so, I said he should sit on his phone in the car before he comes in the house or, stop somewhere on his way home if he doesn't want to sit in the car. I said as long as he tells me he's doing it, I don't mind. Even if he wanted to go to the pub. I just wanted him to have time and patience for DD1 and I could cope without him for half an hour if it meant he would be better for it.

The problem is, twice now I've found out that he's gone to the pub for a couple of drinks, then come home drunk and told me he's been at work late. I of course am fully aware he is drunk by his eyes and tone of voice but, he still thinks I’m stupid. Last time he was drunk he told me he had been to the pub and not told me a few nights before. I asked why on earth he would lie when I told him I was ok with it and he just laughed in my face and kept piling a face and apologising feigning guilt?! I can't help but wonder if he is seeing someone or, if he's just being a dick.

He did it tonight, knowing I have had no sleep after I took DD2 for her first immunisations yesterday as she was fussy all night. We are in separate beds so that she doesn't disturb him... he sleeps all night every night. I only ask him to do the late feed so i can go to bed a bit earlier and to swap with me on a weekend and do the night feed and so far in 9 weeks he's done 2 night feeds and I helped him with the first so, I've had one full nights sleep. Something keeps coming up, preventing him from doing it, usually alcohol. He even went on a three day stag do and my sister came to stay and help me out. I digress...

Anyway so, tonight he comes home and surprises me yet again with being drunk so. I guess I’m doing the late feed and the night feed tonight - despite having zero sleep to start with 🙃

There was an incident a few weeks ago. We went out for a meal, just us and the kids. His phone was on the table and it popped up with a message from "Susan" (no preview as, he has those turned off) I asked who she was and he said he had no idea and opened it and showed me. It said something like "How are you babe, I haven't seen you in ages 😛" I obviously assumed it was another escort or whoever else but, after replying and looking into it, I’m 99% sure it was just a scammer. However, I didn't react or say anything to him. We got home and put the kids to bed and I was doing some washing when he burst in and started shouting at me saying "are you really doing this, you're making a deal out of nothing" I told him I hadn't even said anything and he carried on about how he 'didn't fucking need this' and if I didn't trust him then I should leave and several other unkind things such as, i am causing a problem and he doesn't care anymore he's fed up with me and ended up making me cry. Again, it was his anger that was the problem - Whoever Susan is.

Anyway, there were obviously other small incidents but, the lying for no reason (or so it would seem) again this evening and my inability to be arsed to even discuss it with him, yet again, has made me realise that I just don't care anymore. And that's worse than being angry isn't it. I think it's over. But, how do you leave when you have 2 x small children, a mortgage and you're not working 😫 my family will support me (financially at least) but, fuck.

I’m sure this was mostly a rant and I should maybe read it back and delete half of it but, I’m currently laid with a poorly baby on my chest and I need to put her down and get some sleep myself while I can! Apologies and thank you if you made it this far x

OP posts:
Catoo · 29/04/2023 00:03

You are already lonely OP.
Leaving is a chance to put that right.
Who cares what he tells MIL especially if they don’t respect you already? There is absolutely no reason you have to deal with any of his family once you have split.

Time to start building a happier future for you and DC. You can’t still be here in a year’s time. Xx

caringcarer · 29/04/2023 00:07

You made a huge mistake in taking him back the first time you split up and then married him knowing what he was like. You must have low self esteem and self worth if you don't recognise you deserve so much better than what you have. He really needs to grow up and start being a decent husband and father. Sadly some men never grow up and it seems he is one of them. Don't waste too much more of your life on him.

Original poster
Yrmyfavourite · 29/04/2023 00:11

This is the closest I've ever been to going through with it but, I’m just so scared 😢

DD is almost 4, she tells everyone who will listen that daddy is her best friend and she always wants him if she hurts herself, wants him to take her to the toilet, wants to sit next to him at dinner etc. What if she shuts me out even more if I leave 😔

OP posts:
Icepinkeskimo · 29/04/2023 00:13

Speak with your parents, unfortunately there comes a time when you have to look in the mirror and tell yourself enough is enough. I had to, and whilst it shattered me, each day gets a little better.

Crikeyalmighty · 29/04/2023 00:28

@Yrmyfavourite you are way too good for this bloke- who seems an immature and unkind bit of a loser.do yourself a massive favour and initiate a split now - it's actually easier in some ways with very young children. I don't think you will trust him again- it's not just the escort thing- it's the whole package

DelphiniumBlue · 29/04/2023 00:39

He's not even trying, is he?
I don't see that you have any choice but to end it. In his mind, it's already over. He has no respect for you. Escorts while you were pregnant and now you have a newborn baby and he's still acting like an arse. He's not sorry, he just doesn't care.
It's better for the DC that you do it sooner rather than later.

Devonshiregal · 29/04/2023 01:05

She says this because he’s aloof and you’re the safe always there one. If you stick you are enforcing the belief that aloof dickhead men are the right me, the men to marry, stage men to stick with…even when they call you names, don’t participate with childcare, lie to their wives and use escorts.

youve just reminded me how hideous it is to be with a man like this. Where everything is your fault. It’s just half a life.

you can find a man who makes you laugh instead of cry.

and until you choose to date again, you won’t feel lonely because you’ll feel safe. And secure in the knowledge that you know what’s true and what’s not in your day.

fuck the gaslighting. Fuck the aggression. Fuck the selfishness. And let him fuck the escorts if that what he wants to do.

Devonshiregal · 29/04/2023 01:06

Stage = the

no idea why my phone said stage

LaviniasBigBloomers · 29/04/2023 01:19

Yrmyfavourite · 29/04/2023 00:11

This is the closest I've ever been to going through with it but, I’m just so scared 😢

DD is almost 4, she tells everyone who will listen that daddy is her best friend and she always wants him if she hurts herself, wants him to take her to the toilet, wants to sit next to him at dinner etc. What if she shuts me out even more if I leave 😔

Does that not concern you more than anything else though??? She's already doing a 'pick me' dance with her own father. Age 4. Working really, really hard for his attention because she KNOWS it is elsewhere.

Please, please can you look at doing the Freedom programme online? It will help reset your boundaries and help you understand what to do next.

mathanxiety · 29/04/2023 01:25

You need to divorce this horrible drunk who has completely checked out of marriage and parenting and is treating you with utter contempt.

You're a single mother as things stand.

You have nothing to lose here.

mathanxiety · 29/04/2023 01:28

Yrmyfavourite · 29/04/2023 00:11

This is the closest I've ever been to going through with it but, I’m just so scared 😢

DD is almost 4, she tells everyone who will listen that daddy is her best friend and she always wants him if she hurts herself, wants him to take her to the toilet, wants to sit next to him at dinner etc. What if she shuts me out even more if I leave 😔

Your child knows deep down daddy has checked out of home life, and her focus on him is her desperate response to that.

Children see and feel far more than we think they do. Your child is hurting, not a daddy's girl.

mathanxiety · 29/04/2023 01:29

YYY to the child doing the 'pick me' dance.

minmooch · 29/04/2023 05:54

You've done it before, leaving him. You know what to do.

Get some proper advice from a solicitor so you know what options you have, staying in the house and he moves out/selling house and percentage of financial split. Make sure you have as much information as possible with you, ie salaries/savings/debts/value of house/mortgage details etc etc.

He is financially responsible for providing for his children.

Go on the benefit calculator to see what you could expect in benefits.

You will find strength in knowledge.

Original poster
Yrmyfavourite · 29/04/2023 06:42

Oh wow. You could be right about my daughter. I've never thought about it like that.

She's still adjusting to having a new baby and is fighting for our attention constantly at the moment. It's really affecting her behaviour and yesterday she even tried to hit the baby. I'm finding it hard seeing her like this and it's so difficult maintaining my patience on zero sleep but, I feel like I’m managing somewhat. However, he is less patient than I am and he shouts sometimes or walks away from her. A few times I have had to step in because she is getting so upset and I keep trying to explain to him that she is still so tiny and doesn't understand her emotions.

I keep asking him to get help with his anger and also he gets really overwhelmed and overstimulated if there is too much going on and I have to step in so, I've asked him to look into an adhd diagnosis. He ignores this though. If I say I want him to get help, he says "for what?" And he forces me to have the conversation all over again. One of the conditions of us staying together when I was pregnant was that he got help with his anger/short temper and he promised he would 🙄

OP posts:
Hopingforbettertimesoon · 29/04/2023 06:45

Big hand hold. You are strong, you are the one who is there for your children. It is difficult to leave I am in the midst of this also.

your post had so many similarities to how my husband is acting.

please be kind to yourself. You have done the best you could over the years. Keep going I understand about your mum mine to persuaded me to stay in the past.

💪 I am sure we will get to the other side. I recently had to have a diseased tooth pulled out. I kept putting it off as I was scared. It took 2 dentist 1 hour 30 mins to get it out. Now it is gone I feel so much better. It is healing. I keep telling myself splitting from my husband will be like this. Painful and difficult but in the long term for the best.

sorry for the long story I just want you to know you are not alone.

Original poster
Yrmyfavourite · 29/04/2023 06:57

The drinking thing - can someone have a problem if they don't drink more than once or twice per week? I always thought it was a dependency?

I've never seen it as a dependency but, another short story for you all -

Last sat I took DD2 to a birthday party while he stayed home with DD1 (my suggestion as, he'd never been alone with her and I want to be able to leave them both with him so I can get some time for myself too) Anyway, DD2 got sick at the party and threw up over the girls WCs, then the car twice on the way home. It seemed to be a 24hr thing as, she wasn't being sick the next day but, was still pretty groggy. We were all going to go for a walk for some fresh air but, DD2 has reflux and it was playing up so, I told him to take her to the park on his own and he was going to nip to the shop. I told him to grab her coat and he said it was sunny and he wouldn't be long..

He then sends a pic of them both in the pub, him with pint, her with her water. Then he text me a long while later saying he was going to the park and I couldn't believe they hadn't been yet. Then, he sent another picture of them in a different pub saying they stopped for chips. When they eventually got back it was gone 7pm and past her bedtime. She told me she was really cold coming home so daddy had to carry her ☹️ I could tell he was drunk and I asked how many pints he had and he said "four of five" and then proceeds to tell me a story that took place in a third pub. She then also told me she only had a few of her chips because she felt sick.

So, he essentially took his poorly 3 year old on a pub crawl. Needless to say, I had been given no choice again but to do the late feed that night ☹️🙄

I should say - He often says he is fine in dealing with the children e.g. doing the late feed after these drinks but, I never let it happen. One thing I have always been very stern on is that even after 1 drink, he doesn't have the baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yrmyfavourite · 29/04/2023 06:58

@Hopingforbettertimesoon ❤️❤️ thank you. I hope it quickly passes for you too x

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 29/04/2023 07:01

Daisydu · 28/04/2023 21:55

Not that easy for her to leave if she owns the house jointly. She won’t be entitled to benefits if there is more than 16k equity in the house and she isn’t living in it. So not that simple.

op, you do need to leave, but you may have a legal fight on your hands if he refuses to sell the house. Would he definitely not move out?

Yes exactly. I had to leave and I signed the house over to my ex as I wanted to get out. Only had 4k equity for me, going from the price we paid and price it was valued at. There was a lot more equity as he paid off 60k of mortgage and a 30k deposit he paid, the former he paid 60k off whilst I paid for everything else, food, clothes for the kids and half the bills etc. But I was living in a terrible atmosphere and needed out.

Living in the SE the rent was high and I needed housing benefit to help hence I signed it over. Not suggesting that for one minute, but it’s not as easy as moving out and renting as you can’t get help if own a property. If you’re in a cheap area not so bad, but even so OP is on Mat leave and minimum income but I assume could live with family whilst the house is sorted.

WilkinsonM · 29/04/2023 07:07

Daisydu · 28/04/2023 21:56

She won’t be entitled to benefits if she jointly owns the house and her share is more than 16k equity. So she needs to consider that if she leaves.

Show quote history

That's not true. You can claim benefits including housing element if you've moved out of the marital home but you have to be making efforts to sell it. However you can't just sell a house underneath the other owner so it is accepted that this takes time.

SaturdayGiraffe · 29/04/2023 07:09

Anger management won’t fix this. ADHD diagnosis won’t fix this.
You said it earlier, he thinks you’re an idiot.
That won’t change. All you can do is step away from his control.

thismummydrinksgin · 29/04/2023 07:17

Yrmyfavourite · 29/04/2023 00:11

This is the closest I've ever been to going through with it but, I’m just so scared 😢

DD is almost 4, she tells everyone who will listen that daddy is her best friend and she always wants him if she hurts herself, wants him to take her to the toilet, wants to sit next to him at dinner etc. What if she shuts me out even more if I leave 😔

Easier now than when she gets older, she will likely get more quality time with him if you split. The older she gets the harder it will be, she won't shut you out - it will be difficult no doubt.

Cc1998 · 29/04/2023 07:17

Yrmyfavourite · 29/04/2023 06:57

The drinking thing - can someone have a problem if they don't drink more than once or twice per week? I always thought it was a dependency?

I've never seen it as a dependency but, another short story for you all -

Last sat I took DD2 to a birthday party while he stayed home with DD1 (my suggestion as, he'd never been alone with her and I want to be able to leave them both with him so I can get some time for myself too) Anyway, DD2 got sick at the party and threw up over the girls WCs, then the car twice on the way home. It seemed to be a 24hr thing as, she wasn't being sick the next day but, was still pretty groggy. We were all going to go for a walk for some fresh air but, DD2 has reflux and it was playing up so, I told him to take her to the park on his own and he was going to nip to the shop. I told him to grab her coat and he said it was sunny and he wouldn't be long..

He then sends a pic of them both in the pub, him with pint, her with her water. Then he text me a long while later saying he was going to the park and I couldn't believe they hadn't been yet. Then, he sent another picture of them in a different pub saying they stopped for chips. When they eventually got back it was gone 7pm and past her bedtime. She told me she was really cold coming home so daddy had to carry her ☹️ I could tell he was drunk and I asked how many pints he had and he said "four of five" and then proceeds to tell me a story that took place in a third pub. She then also told me she only had a few of her chips because she felt sick.

So, he essentially took his poorly 3 year old on a pub crawl. Needless to say, I had been given no choice again but to do the late feed that night ☹️🙄

I should say - He often says he is fine in dealing with the children e.g. doing the late feed after these drinks but, I never let it happen. One thing I have always been very stern on is that even after 1 drink, he doesn't have the baby.

I could not stay with this man. Put your kids first, for goodness sake.

rainbowstardrops · 29/04/2023 07:34

He took your 3 year old on a pub crawl?! Jeez, this madness that you're being expected to tolerate, has got to stop.

Coffeeandbourbons · 29/04/2023 08:16

rainbowstardrops · 29/04/2023 07:34

He took your 3 year old on a pub crawl?! Jeez, this madness that you're being expected to tolerate, has got to stop.

I don’t think it will. I think this is a moan thread and there will be another in a month or two. Those poor kids. A pub crawl when you’re poorly…

Spiderman89 · 29/04/2023 09:41

@Coffeeandbourbons OP is trying to work out how to change the situation for her kids. She needs suppeor