Pregnant and texting escorts - Long overdue update

[Yrmyfavourite]

Hi again Mumsnet,

I've been burying my head and in a midst of baby bubble/baby blues and all the rest of it. My baby (a little girl by the way!) is now 9 weeks old.

So, I stayed with him. My decision was to stay at least temporarily and to coparent and take it from there after LO arrived. At first I was completely distant but, we gradually drew back together and by the time baby girl was born, we were all fine and dandy again.

I’m not naive, I felt like my eyes had been opened and I feel as though I’m numb to it all now..

Before DD2 arrived, I asked him to work on his anger and patience. He comes in from work and sits on his phone while DD1 tries to play with him and then gets very quickly agitated by her if she doesn't listen to him when he's trying to get her ready for bed etc so, I said he should sit on his phone in the car before he comes in the house or, stop somewhere on his way home if he doesn't want to sit in the car. I said as long as he tells me he's doing it, I don't mind. Even if he wanted to go to the pub. I just wanted him to have time and patience for DD1 and I could cope without him for half an hour if it meant he would be better for it.

The problem is, twice now I've found out that he's gone to the pub for a couple of drinks, then come home drunk and told me he's been at work late. I of course am fully aware he is drunk by his eyes and tone of voice but, he still thinks I’m stupid. Last time he was drunk he told me he had been to the pub and not told me a few nights before. I asked why on earth he would lie when I told him I was ok with it and he just laughed in my face and kept piling a face and apologising feigning guilt?! I can't help but wonder if he is seeing someone or, if he's just being a dick.

He did it tonight, knowing I have had no sleep after I took DD2 for her first immunisations yesterday as she was fussy all night. We are in separate beds so that she doesn't disturb him... he sleeps all night every night. I only ask him to do the late feed so i can go to bed a bit earlier and to swap with me on a weekend and do the night feed and so far in 9 weeks he's done 2 night feeds and I helped him with the first so, I've had one full nights sleep. Something keeps coming up, preventing him from doing it, usually alcohol. He even went on a three day stag do and my sister came to stay and help me out. I digress...

Anyway so, tonight he comes home and surprises me yet again with being drunk so. I guess I’m doing the late feed and the night feed tonight - despite having zero sleep to start with 🙃

There was an incident a few weeks ago. We went out for a meal, just us and the kids. His phone was on the table and it popped up with a message from "Susan" (no preview as, he has those turned off) I asked who she was and he said he had no idea and opened it and showed me. It said something like "How are you babe, I haven't seen you in ages 😛" I obviously assumed it was another escort or whoever else but, after replying and looking into it, I’m 99% sure it was just a scammer. However, I didn't react or say anything to him. We got home and put the kids to bed and I was doing some washing when he burst in and started shouting at me saying "are you really doing this, you're making a deal out of nothing" I told him I hadn't even said anything and he carried on about how he 'didn't fucking need this' and if I didn't trust him then I should leave and several other unkind things such as, i am causing a problem and he doesn't care anymore he's fed up with me and ended up making me cry. Again, it was his anger that was the problem - Whoever Susan is.

Anyway, there were obviously other small incidents but, the lying for no reason (or so it would seem) again this evening and my inability to be arsed to even discuss it with him, yet again, has made me realise that I just don't care anymore. And that's worse than being angry isn't it. I think it's over. But, how do you leave when you have 2 x small children, a mortgage and you're not working 😫 my family will support me (financially at least) but, fuck.

I’m sure this was mostly a rant and I should maybe read it back and delete half of it but, I’m currently laid with a poorly baby on my chest and I need to put her down and get some sleep myself while I can! Apologies and thank you if you made it this far x

Support.

I don't think she sounds like she's moaning. She's working out how to change her life and get this man out of her life. Didn't she say they'd been together since they were teenagers? It's very bloody hard to escape an abusive manipulative bloke when it's all you've ever known.

I believe in you OP!

Tell your parents. Speak to a solicitor. Write an action plan. Imagine a future without him and his bullshit. You can make it happen x

She’s has plenty of support. She knows what she needs to do but keeps posting ‘updates’ and ignoring the strongly worded advice of posters. With small children in the picture you can’t just dither and keep complaining about issues as serious as this, you need to remove them from the situation. They are the priority here, or they should be.

The drinking thing - can someone have a problem if they don't drink more than once or twice per week? I always thought it was a dependency?

No. There are many stages of alcoholism and physical dependency often doesn't set in until after many years of heavy daily drinking.

I also suspect he's drinking more often than once or twice a week, he's simply keeping it on the quiet.

I'm a recovering alcoholic and I didn't become physically dependent on alcohol until the final 2-3 years of my drinking. Once I was, it accelerated even more rapidly.

I know this will be difficult for you, but you must get your children out of there. Living with an alcoholic is one of the most damaging situations a child can be in.

It is true. Do your research because it is absolutely true.

I think it might be less stressful for your mum to know you and your children are safe. You can always find a reason to put it off...your children are impressionable. Damage done to relational styles can't be undone...

Omg he was drunk out with his 3 year old. That is so sad. Pleas please get those babies into a more stable environment. Children do not know what is best for them, that's their parents job. He is incapable but you are not. If it was just you then stay or leave your choice. But your babies should come first and you need to do what's best for them. Getting them away from this drunk horrible man is doing right by them.
You deserve more.

FUCKING HELL. That is the textbook DEFINITION of an alcohol problem, and it will damage your children so, so badly. He dragged a 3yo on a pub crawl!!!

I'm sorry but I now have no choice but to be blunt. You have to get out of this situation urgently. It's deeply, deeply toxic and will damage your children profoundly.

Thank you so much to those being genuinely helpful. I am taking almost all of your comments and advice on board and I am putting a plan in motion.

Not sure if anyone missed it but, I’m seeing my mum today and will be speaking to her then so, that's my first step.

I have pictures of when he hurt me, I have a list in my notes app of anytime he has done anything I've deemed to be out of order or upsetting. I have the screenshots of the texts to the escorts. I've been compiling all of this since I decided to stay put (temporarily) as last time I went to my mum and sister for help, I didn't get the support I expected and felt like everyone was calling me crazy because, they don't see this side of him.

I’m doing it, I just need to take one step at a time as I have no accessible money. I don't even have my own car anymore. I left a 10 year career in a directors position with a company car to spend more time with our children and to help my ADHD as I was crumbling under the pressure of running a house alongside a career and chose to put my children and mental health first. So I find the comments about needing to put them first a bit upsetting as, I'm trying. I’m really trying. I can't just grab our bags and walk out. I can't just tell him it's over and tell him to leave because, it's not that simple. I need to do the groundwork first so that my girls will be safe and stable. So, I’m starting with speaking to my support system (again) and I'll take the next steps from there.

This isn't a moan thread. This is a what the hell am I supposed to do thread. I feel so alone and talking to strangers who can share their experiences and give unbiased advice is just what I need to push me over the finish line.

I know I don't love him anymore. He's pushed me too far and now the thought of any physical contact just gives me the ick. I feel numb towards him when he get again puts drink before his family. The only reason I’m still here is because I just wanted DD1 to be happy.

Everyone, including myself, always put him in the 'good dad' category because, she loves him so much and he makes her laugh and plays with her a lot. I can hear them upstairs right now and she's laughing her head off. It hurts my heart 😔

Op how awful for you. He sounds hateful.

I think too he's trying to make you kick him out as he obviously doesn't want to parent or be a husband and that way he can look like the victim.

I would kick him out you and the kids stay in the house

Don't underestimate how invested your DM and DSis will be in maintaining the status quo. Your own desire to hold on to a completely shitty man at any cost hasn't fallen from a tree - there's something in your family dynamic/previous experience/childhood that makes you think this is Ok. It's very likely the other women in your life will think so too.

That's OK though. You can be the person who changes everything. I have 100% faith in you but you have to ACT now. Make a decision and stick to it.

Is there anything stopping you from throwing him out? You will have more mental space to process the financial stuff when he's out of the house. The pub crawl thing - honestly, that's Social Services level of batshittery.

I helped a family member claim UC including rent a few weeks ago after they moved out of the family home. It's not true.

It is true. She can’t have equity in a house that she doesn’t live in and then claim benefits. You can’t. There may be a way if you can prove the house is being sold, and the equity be disregarded for 6 months or so, but we don’t know if he would agree to sell, or if her intention would be to want to sell. So my comment still stands. She needs to be aware of this, she can’t just leave and rent elsewhere and claim benefits while having more than 16k equity in a house she does not live in.

Even if that happened, once sold and she gets the money from the house if more than 16k she will no longer be entitled to benefits. So my comment still stands… because it is something she needs to consider.

You know what he's probably doing during that time he's spending on his phone, rite?

(Probably the same as before with the escorts etc.)

She's always very much entertained the other persons side of the story when it comes to me.

When I told her about the texting escorts and violence towards me whilst pregnant earlier this year, she told me to get marriage counselling and encouraged me to stay with him...

I suspect your mother is part of the reason you ended up in an abusive relationship. She has trained you to believe you're probably wrong and to constantly second guess yourself (been there). The fact that you have to "see what vibe" she's giving you before choosing to tell her about the hell you're going through speaks volumes. In a normal parent/adult child relationship, the adult child should know that the parent has their back.

If you don't have a close friend you could confide in, perhaps you might try Women's Aid?

Also, in relation to your child, I had an alcoholic father (and narcissistic mother) and days out were an absolute torment as he drove from one pub to the next, sometimes finding when we got to our final destination that it was closed. This is an incredibly stressful experience for a child. Yours has no option to escape - you need to do this for her.

Spoke to my Mum and she was very chill about the whole thing she just kept serving back comments about "that's just men, just the other day your Dad..." and kept saying things like "at least he does stuff, your Dad doesn't even know how to make tea" I kept telling her examples and told her I didn't feel committed anymore and she blamed lack of sleep and said it's always difficult at this time with a newborn. I said it was like this when I was pregnant too and she just went "hmm yeah I suppose". She kept changing the subject.

Which is what I got last time. She does all the cooking and cleaning in their house and always has done. My Dad wasn't one to change nappies etc. They have a very old school traditional relationship and think that I should count my lucky stars that my DH cooks some of the meals, changes some the nappies, and puts the occasional wash on. They often turn to me when he's doing something quite simple for the baby or DD1 and say "aww he's such a good dad" 🙄

I've come away from the conversation feeling like I may as well have just had a rant about him leaving his socks on the bedroom floor and she's said "oh my DH does that too, what are they like"

Realised this is what happened last time with the violence etc. I felt totally baffled because I was terrified to tell them about it all thinking my Dad would hit the roof that someone handled his heavily pregnant daughter like that whilst his granddaughter was in bed next door. I was expecting WW3 and nothing. It was totally minimised and I felt like I was overreacting and going mad.

This is what makes it so much harder to leave. I also told my two best friends last time and they both also suggested marriage counselling so, I'd expect the same response again.

Should I talk to DH or carry on making a background plan?

Talk with DM was cut short as, I was washing her hair for her and had to return to DH and the rest of the family. Should I pick back up and try again? What should I say?

Your mum is not your friend in this. At best, she has pathetically low self-esteem; at worst, she likes you kept down and abused, and clearly a lot of the reason you've put up with this man's shit so far is because of the shit example you got at home. Your parents stood by and tacitly approved it when he physically abused their pregnant daughter. They are awful, terrible parents.

You will have to stop waiting for your parents to approve of you ending your marriage; they won't. You need to seek out other sources of support; Women's Aid, Al-Anon, any friends who have healthy boundaries and their heads screwed on.

Could you try writing to your mum??? It sounds like she is refusing to hear. I'm so sorry

Do not try talking to your H to try to get him to see the error of his ways. He has behaved badly for a long time. He has hurt you terribly. Any effort you make to talk to him will be greeted with a sneer of contempt, whether you see it or not.

You need to keep on making a plan to leave. You need to reach out to Women's Aid for their help and support and the validation you desperately need, which your friends and useless mother are seemingly unable to offer.

Call Women's Aid - 0808 2000 247.

Or look up their website and contact them that way.

I think it's over.

Let me edit that for you.

I think It's over.

@Yrmyfavourite when I split with my first H when I was 28- my grandmother said to me 'I don't understand you, he doesn't keep you short, he doesn't hit you' ! That's how low the bar was for some older women - the fact he went out with his mates 4 times a week whilst I worked and had 2 small children and had never so much as put a wash on it made a meal simply didn't figure in the equation! You must leave her views out the equation too - she isn't married to him you are, and if she has such low standards then that's her issue

Just in case you missed it (and not cos I think I'm some sort of oracle or anything) I'm reposting my post from this afternoon. Your DM is one or part of the reasons you're putting up with this dude in the first place. She isn't able to have your back because that means interrogating her own choices. It doesn't make her a bad person, but it does make her a person who is not able to support you.

Please contact Women's Aid, or do the Freedom programme, or get some individual (NOT joint or marriage) counselling to help you. If your nearest and dearest can't be supportive then you have to outsource the job.

You don't need anyone's permission or approval to leave this shit show of a one sided marriage.

Leave, just leave. If your parents don't understand why tell them they don't need to they just need to support you as there's some things that have happened that you'll never tell them.

@Yrmyfavourite I know we go to our mums for advice but honestly and forgive me for saying it, she is not living your reality and so she is not helpful, unfortunately she at best doesn't get it or worst doesn't seem to have your interests at heart. My mum sounds like yours. Put up with basically an abusive, alcoholic, deceitful, lazy partner for years because 'thats how things are' and because she was most of the time when I was younger a 'kept women'. Her confidence to be on her own was destroyed, she was (still is!) codependent. It's like she wants constant validation for her choices. Great relationship to model to you, basically 'put up and shut up'. Not in this day and age! Do you want your daughter's to 'put up and shut up' in their future relationships as well as that's what their mum did? No I am sure you do not. Break the cycle! In your situation I would leave and go to a women's refuge and don't tell your parents or your husband where you are or prewarn them you are leaving. Agree when things have calmed down to communicate via supervised mediation. He's been violent before who knows what he could do. He basically neglected your daughter on a pub crawl when he should have been looking after her?! Why are you not horrified by that alone? The man has zero morals! Your parents relationship and your relationship with him is like the frog in slowly heating water that doesn't notice it is slowly being cooked. You have normalised the hot water and are telling yourself it won't boil. But it will, it always does, this problem is not going to get better only worse. Leave now, if by some miracle he sorts himself out you can reassess going back later. You can do this. For your kids.Wanting the best for them will give you all the strength you need!! .