Pregnant and texting escorts - Long overdue update

[Yrmyfavourite]

Hi again Mumsnet,

I've been burying my head and in a midst of baby bubble/baby blues and all the rest of it. My baby (a little girl by the way!) is now 9 weeks old.

So, I stayed with him. My decision was to stay at least temporarily and to coparent and take it from there after LO arrived. At first I was completely distant but, we gradually drew back together and by the time baby girl was born, we were all fine and dandy again.

I’m not naive, I felt like my eyes had been opened and I feel as though I’m numb to it all now..

Before DD2 arrived, I asked him to work on his anger and patience. He comes in from work and sits on his phone while DD1 tries to play with him and then gets very quickly agitated by her if she doesn't listen to him when he's trying to get her ready for bed etc so, I said he should sit on his phone in the car before he comes in the house or, stop somewhere on his way home if he doesn't want to sit in the car. I said as long as he tells me he's doing it, I don't mind. Even if he wanted to go to the pub. I just wanted him to have time and patience for DD1 and I could cope without him for half an hour if it meant he would be better for it.

The problem is, twice now I've found out that he's gone to the pub for a couple of drinks, then come home drunk and told me he's been at work late. I of course am fully aware he is drunk by his eyes and tone of voice but, he still thinks I’m stupid. Last time he was drunk he told me he had been to the pub and not told me a few nights before. I asked why on earth he would lie when I told him I was ok with it and he just laughed in my face and kept piling a face and apologising feigning guilt?! I can't help but wonder if he is seeing someone or, if he's just being a dick.

He did it tonight, knowing I have had no sleep after I took DD2 for her first immunisations yesterday as she was fussy all night. We are in separate beds so that she doesn't disturb him... he sleeps all night every night. I only ask him to do the late feed so i can go to bed a bit earlier and to swap with me on a weekend and do the night feed and so far in 9 weeks he's done 2 night feeds and I helped him with the first so, I've had one full nights sleep. Something keeps coming up, preventing him from doing it, usually alcohol. He even went on a three day stag do and my sister came to stay and help me out. I digress...

Anyway so, tonight he comes home and surprises me yet again with being drunk so. I guess I’m doing the late feed and the night feed tonight - despite having zero sleep to start with 🙃

There was an incident a few weeks ago. We went out for a meal, just us and the kids. His phone was on the table and it popped up with a message from "Susan" (no preview as, he has those turned off) I asked who she was and he said he had no idea and opened it and showed me. It said something like "How are you babe, I haven't seen you in ages 😛" I obviously assumed it was another escort or whoever else but, after replying and looking into it, I’m 99% sure it was just a scammer. However, I didn't react or say anything to him. We got home and put the kids to bed and I was doing some washing when he burst in and started shouting at me saying "are you really doing this, you're making a deal out of nothing" I told him I hadn't even said anything and he carried on about how he 'didn't fucking need this' and if I didn't trust him then I should leave and several other unkind things such as, i am causing a problem and he doesn't care anymore he's fed up with me and ended up making me cry. Again, it was his anger that was the problem - Whoever Susan is.

Anyway, there were obviously other small incidents but, the lying for no reason (or so it would seem) again this evening and my inability to be arsed to even discuss it with him, yet again, has made me realise that I just don't care anymore. And that's worse than being angry isn't it. I think it's over. But, how do you leave when you have 2 x small children, a mortgage and you're not working 😫 my family will support me (financially at least) but, fuck.

I’m sure this was mostly a rant and I should maybe read it back and delete half of it but, I’m currently laid with a poorly baby on my chest and I need to put her down and get some sleep myself while I can! Apologies and thank you if you made it this far x

Thank you for the replies.

I confronted him last night after getting upset because he was refusing to help me with the baby and wanted to go to bed and told him I’m leaving and read him a message i had written to him in my notes a few days before. I told my mum and she keeps saying things like "we are here for you whatever you decide to do" and "we love you all" and now I’m back to square one. I said I don't understand why she doesn't believe me and she said she does believe me, she's just saying she loves us all and will support us whatever we decide. I said but, if you believed me, surely you wouldn't want your DD to stay with someone who is emotionally and physically abusive? She replied "you didn't tell me it was physical?" I replied saying of course I have - listing the occasions including over 10 years ago when she had to come and pick me up because he had me pinned to the stairs by my throat. When he was arrested because a street camera picked him up when he hit me on a night out. Or a few months ago when I was 34 weeks pregnant and I had to come and stay with you because he was throwing things and left bruises and scratches on my wrists after grabbing me?! She replied "When you split up we supported you. Which was after those first incidents. You decided to get back with him and convinced us those incidents wouldn’t happen again. We will always support you in your decisions and only you know how you feel. You chose to give up work and have another baby. Who we all adore as much as we do DD1. We are here for you in whatever you choose to do with your life but we cannot make these decisions for you my darling. We love you all xx" I ended up saying just forget I said anything and she's messaged today about general things and seemingly doesn't want to discuss it.

I’m really confused because, DH is crying and begging me to stay and asking me to help him to get help and my DM is making me question my reality even more. I feel guilty and this is what always happens. 12 years and 2 DC later and it's the reason I’m still here. I’m trying to be strong but, I still feel like maybe it's all in my head or I’m being overdramatic. It's how they always make me feel.

I should add - when I tried to read him the note, I got half way through and he stormed off and started shouting and saying I must be seeing someone else. I don't leave the house - I had a baby 9 weeks ago?! Who would I possibly be seeing!!? Then he stormed off to bed and came back down in tears and asked if he could finish feeding DD2. He then asked me to sleep in the same bed as him and i refused. And today came the messages today whilst he was at work asking me to give him another chance and help him get help. I told him it's too late.

You poor thing. You have been brought up by someone who doesn't actually care about your feelings and your needs, it's all about her. No wonder you walked into the arms of an abuser, your warning system didn't alert you to all the red flags he would have been waving.

He is behaving in a classic way. Blaming you, then tears, he'll beg and promise to change (if he does it'll be for 5 minutes, so don't buy it). When you don't give in he may then threaten to harm himself (call emergency services, this is not your responsibility), then he will turn full on rage. You will eventually look back and see this for the madness it is.

Please talk to Women's Aid for advice. Leaving is a very dangerous time for many women and their children, but you really really need to do it.

@Yrmyfavourite Sending some kindness. No point in saying what you should've done or commenting on your decision to stick it out initially. A big hug that it's clearly now not working and you need to protect yourself.

I would start to explore your rights and options. Work out the finances, and speak to your family to see what help you can get.

You WILL get through this. You CAN get out of this. You DO deserve so much better.
And your children deserve a mum who is (if she chooses to be in the future) treated as someone's priority.

He's asking you to help him change? No thanks.

He also only allowed you to get part way through your message before turning it on you as your fault. Ring womens aid. Ignore your mother.

I hope I don't sound harsh, I'm trying to get things in place to allow me to leave my emotionally abusive partner so I know it's very hard. I don't have any children but I'm still terrified.

Thank you again for the responses. It reassures me to have people 'on my side' but, I still can't shake this feeling of guilt and shame for saying these things about him to people in the real world who haven't reacted as I expected to it. I feel like I've overreacted and caused a big drama and need to undo it.

DS is on away right now and in the back of my mind I keep thinking when I can talk to her it will be different but, then I remember I've told her before too and she didn't get it either.

I feel so alone. I'm losing my strength to go through with it again.

Sister not son*

Daisydu
She won’t be entitled to benefits if she jointly owns the house and her share is more than 16k equity. So she needs to consider that if she leaves.

This is incorrect oP. If you have to lea e your home due to an abusive partner then the value of your property/equity can be ignored . Go to your nearest job centre and discuss with an adviser specialist in domestic abuse. Every Jobcentre has one.

You should then be able to claim universal credit for yourself and 2 kids . (and rent if renting your own place) for an agreed period of time. Used to be 12 weeks but can be extended as long as property is on the market .

He has treated you like shit, don't put up with it.

All the tears and begging is just gaslighting you.

Leave him and have a better life for you and your children.

@Yrmyfavourite from your post, it sounds like your parents DO care but that they have come to realise you won't accept real help.

How many times have you gone to them only to end up back with your abuser?

They have learned that they cannot influence you into staying away from him so all they can do is support your choices or they will lose you because he will isolate you away from them and the kids too.

Please contact Womans Aid and go see a solicitor. You are so close to being free of him and your lives will all be better for it.

And give your poor mum a break.

You're just talking yourself round in circles rather than taking any action.

Your family are probably at the end of their tether with it all. Your mums not going to slag off your husband to make you feel better, and then when you stay with him she looks like the villain.

It's your life. Your only life. You're wasting it with an arsehole who treats you like shit. Get out of your head. Stop worrying what everyone worse thinks. So what?! Who cares?! They're not married to him.

Stop waiting for everyone else to save you. Save yourself

@YrmyYrmyfavourite I read this and thought of you (an Instagram account about dealing with parental abuse and the long term effects)
www.instagram.com/p/CrxuDkntwM3/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
Have a look and see if it resonates.

I wonder if your mum is trying to stay as much out of your decision making as possible, simply because you have left and gone back before? So if she were to contact you and say 'leave him now, he's a disgusting abuser,' but you were to get back with him subsequently, she'd worry that you'd hold it over her head that she called him a 'disgusting abuser'. Particularly if you were in a 'settled' period where he was behaving himself.

She's trying to support you, but worried that you will end up back with him again as you have before. Then she'll have him telling you that she never liked him, she's always wanted to split the two of you up, etc etc, and she really can't win.

For those who think OP is giving her mum a hard time, consider these statements from the OP:

She's always very much entertained the other persons side of the story when it comes to me.

When I told her about the texting escorts and violence towards me whilst pregnant earlier this year, she told me to get marriage counselling and encouraged me to stay with him... I feel she would say the same now and all that I would gain would be pissing my dad off for bringing my drama to my mum whilst she is unwell

I'm seeing my mum tomorrow, I think I'll tell her about the recent events and see what sort of vibe she's giving me before I decide whether or not to tell her how I’m feeling about it all.

I've been compiling all of this since I decided to stay put (temporarily) as last time I went to my mum and sister for help, I didn't get the support I expected and felt like everyone was calling me crazy because, they don't see this side of him.

Spoke to my Mum and she was very chill about the whole thing she just kept serving back comments about "that's just men, just the other day your Dad..." and kept saying things like "at least he does stuff, your Dad doesn't even know how to make tea"

Realised this is what happened last time with the violence etc. I felt totally baffled because I was terrified to tell them about it all thinking my Dad would hit the roof that someone handled his heavily pregnant daughter like that whilst his granddaughter was in bed next door. I was expecting WW3 and nothing. It was totally minimised and I felt like I was overreacting and going mad.

I also told my two best friends last time and they both also suggested marriage counselling so, I'd expect the same response again.

I told my mum and she keeps saying things like "we are here for you whatever you decide to do" and "we love you all" and now I’m back to square one. I said I don't understand why she doesn't believe me and she said she does believe me, she's just saying she loves us all and will support us whatever we decide. I said but, if you believed me, surely you wouldn't want your DD to stay with someone who is emotionally and physically abusive? She replied "you didn't tell me it was physical?" I replied saying of course I have - listing the occasions including over 10 years ago when she had to come and pick me up because he had me pinned to the stairs by my throat. When he was arrested because a street camera picked him up when he hit me on a night out.

I’m really confused because, DH is crying and begging me to stay and asking me to help him to get help and my DM is making me question my reality even more. I feel guilty and this is what always happens.

The OP has not been listened to her whole life. Her parents have ignored and minimised her feelings. This is why she has ended up with an abuser. She has been trained to deny her own feelings and accept never being heard.

It would be much more helpful to OP if posters didn't pile on guilt about her mother. People minimising her feelings have hugely contributed to where she is now.

Putting her down for returning after leaving her abusive partner is not a helpful thing to do. It is quite well known that it takes women, on average, 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship. https://vpfw.com/blog/why-it-takes-women-7-attempts-to-leave-an-abusive-relationship/

OP, please get on to Women's Aid. They will hear you.

This awful, truly awful. This is what my alcoholic ex husband did, sitting in a pub all day while his ds was supposed to “play”.
It is not safe to look after a child when you’re drunk, he won’t be able to judge speed and distance, could easily walk in front of a car for example, or not notice an open upstairs window.
You know you have to leave. And I look to do it sooner rather than later.

The fact that your parents have some very entrenched misogynistic ideas about marriage and motherhood is likely a good chunk of the reason you've found yourself in an abusive relationship. You can't use these people as your weather vane. Whether they mean to or not, they are gaslighting you. They are making you doubt yourself and minimising the abuse you are subjected to.

Your husband is an alcoholic. His abuse of alcohol is affecting you and the children directly. The story about your poorly 3 year old being dragged round the local pubs so her dad could get pissed was honestly heartbreaking and should have been a MASSIVE wake-up call. She was not cared for or safe. Your bags should have been packed that night.

Your husband has physically assaulted you on several occasions. This is a pattern and he will not stop. Your children are also at risk.

Your husband verbally abuses you.

This man will not change. There doesn't seem to be anything standing in the way of you taking the kids and fleeing to your mums. You keep saying it's not that simple but actually it is. Clearly there would be a long road ahead in terms of custody, the house etc, but there's nothing stopping you from leaving and contacting social services. Women's Aid will help you.

Your kids really need you to make the call.

Two things - he's asking you to help him so that when it doesn't work, he can blame you. He'll tell you that you didn't get him the right help, you didn't do enough. You didn't do the work the counsellor said was needed...and so on. The truth is that he can't change - and even those that truly do want to change and become non-abusive, usually fail because it's woven into the very fabric of who they are.

As well as that - you've a 9 week old and a 4yo with zero support or help from him. Haven't you enough for doing?? It's not like you are sitting around on your arse that you have the time to google alcohol rehab and anger fucking management courses, while he's down the pub.

Second thing - imagine this scenario: in 20 years time your DD comes to your door, telling you that her H did all the things you've described in your posts that was done to you.

Ask yourself how you'd feel about what she's saying, and what advice you would give her. What would you do to protect her, to help her, to support her.
And do that - be your own mother figure and give yourself the advice and support a loving mother would give her DD.

And if the image of your gorgeous DD coming battered and bruised to your door unsettles you, remember that she's statistically far more likely to end up in an abusive relationship if that's what she saw growing up - and for that reason you need to start making your plans to leave.

Thank you for the further replies. I promise I am taking all of the advice on board.

@Escapingafter50years Thank you. Truly ❤️

Hi OP
Sometimes people don't get the support that they should get. It's awful and extremely unfortunate because it tends to keep people stuck where they are.

It sounds like you need your mother etc to understand before you'll leave, but that will keep you trapped. You should leave and take their financial support etc. and seek emotional support elsewhere, because iif you're waiting for your family to say the things you want them to say you probably won't get out.

So hope you’re ok @Yrmyfavourite and your two little girls…

She will be entitled to benefits , if you leave marital home in case of separation then the equity is disregarded for 6 months initially and this 6 months can be extended if attempting to sell the home which can include starting legal proceedings to force a house sale of ex is unwilling

Obviously he's going to lie and treat you like shit, he knows he can get away with it. You'll be stronger and happier without him, even though it may not seem like it right now.