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Original poster

Not marrying

101 replies

Scissorcollector · 27/04/2023 15:31

Posting for a rant as I know nobody can actually help, so please be gentle.
Been with dp for 3 years and we have a baby on the way. Being late 30s I wanted us to get on with it as I have a history of early menopause in the family and would like 2 children.
Marriage has always been important to me and if it wasn’t for my age I would have insisted on marriage before baby.
We aren’t well off and I know we can’t afford a basic wedding when the time comes. We speak about it often as he wants to save for a pricey ring. I’ve told him the money is irrelevant but he wants to do it ‘properly’. We’ve looked into costs to budget and plan ahead and it seems a very basic registry office will be more than we can afford outright. I had the impression it would be under £100 but to my shock it seems to be much higher. Money will get tighter with a baby in the mix so I can’t justify spending hundreds at the moment.

I know the relationship is more important than a wedding but it’s got to me more than I expected it to. I often daydream about our wedding day - nothing fancy, no reception, flowers or big white dress. Knowing it may never happen or not for many years is a hard pill to swallow. I know we may have made it work before having a baby but as I said a family is much more important to me as I would have been resentful to marry then find we’d left it too late to conceive.
Has anyone been in this position and you have a happy long relationship without being husband and wife? How do you look past the disappointment when your friends are happily married and done things the ‘right way’ around?

OP posts:
Merlinsbeard83 · 27/04/2023 15:39

We had children mid 20s ,been together 18 years and still not married. It makes no difference to us . We are a family, a unit , a team ,partners and having a different label and a piece of paper won't change anything . You should plan and save and do the wedding you both want . But not stress about having a child first . In the long run it won't change anything

TinDogTavern · 27/04/2023 15:49

From what you have written you are talking about a wedding and not a marriage. The former isn't really important, the latter is. If you are having a child together you both (but mostly you) get a LOT more rights and I would advise getting married on those grounds alone. You can then do things "properly" (whatever that means) and have the big/small whatever day you want, when you can afford it.

Sorry for my absolute lack of romance but there it is.

meditrina · 27/04/2023 15:50

It's worth knowing the legal differences between marriage and cohabitation, especially now you have a baby on the way

Living together and marriage: legal differences - Citizens Advice

Please do think about choices such as when to return to work (if you have not already done so) so you avoid becoming financially vulnerable.

RoseslnTheHospital · 27/04/2023 15:54

The very cheapest option in my region is £57 for a ceremony in a registry office and 1 copy of the certificate. There are lots of other options that go up to over £1000. Have you checked out all the possible options from your registry office?

SwanPools2 · 27/04/2023 15:57

Our "wedding" cost £120 a few years ago. Two witnesses, no ceremony, no rings, normal clothes, back to work afterwards! Even parked somewhere further away from the registry office where it was free 😁. We just wanted it done for legal reasons though and saw it as a technical/legal errand. A lot of people don't know that we've done it as I don't see it as an achievement/something of interest to other people, and noone changed their name. We were together over 15 years beforehand. But as you can guess I'm not into weddings or romance so it didn't bother me at all to "miss out" on the traditional stuff.

mycoffeecup · 27/04/2023 15:59

This reply has been deleted

We didn't feel this post was in the spirit of the site so we've removed it.

Original poster
Scissorcollector · 27/04/2023 16:00

Thank you all. I’m glad it worked for you Merlin. I would love to get married tomorrow if we could afford to but unfortunately on maternity pay we’ve taken a significant drop in income and have minimal spare money each month. I intend to go back to work shortly after Christmas. I know the financial reasons are most important but I guess I’m pining for the romanticised side where I can call myself Mrs X and have the same surname as my baby. If a simple registry office on a weekday with 2 witnesses wasn’t £520 plus fees, we’d likely do it before the baby arrives. It cost my sister £30 several years back so I had no idea it had increased this much.

OP posts:
Pahpahpotato · 27/04/2023 16:02

I can’t believe it’s that expensive!! I mean, I can because you’ve said it is, I’m not doubting you, I’m just amazed. It’s £46 in my local registry office for a ceremony with two witnesses. Are there no other options to you?
If I were you, I would look at any possible way to marry if my earning income was to take a hit. Legal protection is so important yet so often overlooked.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/04/2023 16:03

If you don’t want a fancy ring tell him that. And I’m sure you can find a cheaper no frills wedding than £520, look outside of your immediate area.

You can afford to get married, you might have to save up a bit but that’s all.

I don’t think ranting will help, or stories of other people who didn’t want to be married.

Work out the cheapest option then book it.

GettingStuffed · 27/04/2023 16:04

The alternative is probably more expensive and that's to make wills which give you both the same safeguards as you will get when you're married

TomatoSandwiches · 27/04/2023 16:05

You need to give the baby your surname and then when he proposes and you get married you re-register the baby under his new family surname.

meditrina · 27/04/2023 16:05

I recommend you follow tradition and give the baby your surname

You can change it when you change yours

Original poster
Scissorcollector · 27/04/2023 16:10

I’ve looked slightly further out even areas over an hour away and it’s only slightly cheaper, but the travel costs will increase it. I’m not sure if it’s because of the area I live in but it doesn’t seem to be cheaper anywhere else. I was under the impression you had to pay in full or at least a hefty deposit, we have nothing outright to spend particularly as we’ve had to buy a lot of baby things recently. I’m not someone who wants the big white wedding anyway but it seems unfair that it can’t happen for us for a long while.
Do you ever truly feel like a ‘real’ family when you aren’t married? I don’t mean that in an offensive, derogatory way, more in terms of security and feeling like a ‘legal’ family, not just a boyfriend and girlfriend with a baby.

OP posts:
Yellowflowerr · 27/04/2023 16:10

Hi OP, what’s your region? As you can usually get married in the ‘working office’ I.e the registration office (not the registration ceremony venue - different thing) for way less. Where I live it is between £300-£500 for a ceremony in government venues but you can actually get married in the office itself (no ceremony) for £46.

Yellowflowerr · 27/04/2023 16:11

Sorry should say ‘small ceremony’ rather than no ceremony in previous post. Basically the cheapest version, which I think is what others are describing?

mycoffeecup · 27/04/2023 16:13

You're not looking at the cheapest version

RoseslnTheHospital · 27/04/2023 16:15

Look at Wandsworth for example:

www.wandsworth.gov.uk/registration-services/ceremony-venues/book-a-ceremony/

The cheapest is £53 for a simple ceremony on a Monday.

SwanPools2 · 27/04/2023 16:16

It is more expensive, that's why we got married instead 😂

SwanPools2 · 27/04/2023 16:16

GettingStuffed · 27/04/2023 16:04

The alternative is probably more expensive and that's to make wills which give you both the same safeguards as you will get when you're married

Sorry my last reply was supposed to be in reply to this.

meditrina · 27/04/2023 16:17

I don’t mean that in an offensive, derogatory way, more in terms of security and feeling like a ‘legal’ family, not just a boyfriend and girlfriend with a baby

The feelings are yours and yours alone.

In terms of security, then yes there are important differences between marriage and cohabitation, and having a baby does not change that. There are certain mitigations you can put in place, if you need/want them, but not everything can be replicated.

InDubiousBattle · 27/04/2023 16:18

What council area do you live in op? In my area the cheapest way to get married is in the registry office (as opposed to one of their ceremony suites)on a Monday, it's about £60 plus a £40 deposit and £35 for the notices. So around £135 with one certificate (or £170 if ypu need 2 notices, I can't remember). £520 plus fees sounds really high!

SwanPools2 · 27/04/2023 16:19

Scissorcollector · 27/04/2023 16:10

I’ve looked slightly further out even areas over an hour away and it’s only slightly cheaper, but the travel costs will increase it. I’m not sure if it’s because of the area I live in but it doesn’t seem to be cheaper anywhere else. I was under the impression you had to pay in full or at least a hefty deposit, we have nothing outright to spend particularly as we’ve had to buy a lot of baby things recently. I’m not someone who wants the big white wedding anyway but it seems unfair that it can’t happen for us for a long while.
Do you ever truly feel like a ‘real’ family when you aren’t married? I don’t mean that in an offensive, derogatory way, more in terms of security and feeling like a ‘legal’ family, not just a boyfriend and girlfriend with a baby.

Yes I felt like a real family when we weren't married. Literally the only thing it has changed is making it easier when one of us dies (and giving a legal pathway to follow if we were to split up).

slidi · 27/04/2023 16:19

I think if a woman is willing to cohabit with a man and get pregnant by him then what is the need for him to commit with a marriage? He has got everything without.

People say it is just a piece of paper but that piece of paper will give more rights than those who just live casually together.

The trouble is you compromised your need for a baby over wanting marriage before children. Marriage is important to me too and I am an older mother but I would never have had a child with my DH until we were married and my name was on the house.

MyDogStoodOnABee · 27/04/2023 16:21

£57 for a ‘2 witness no frills and 1 certificate’ registry office.
saying he’ll save for an expensive ring when cash is so tight, you sure he wants to marry?

KirstenBlest · 27/04/2023 16:22

he wants to save for a pricey ring
Wedding rings don't need to be pricy. There might never be any spare money for a pricy ring.