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Original poster

Not marrying

101 replies

Scissorcollector · 27/04/2023 15:31

Posting for a rant as I know nobody can actually help, so please be gentle.
Been with dp for 3 years and we have a baby on the way. Being late 30s I wanted us to get on with it as I have a history of early menopause in the family and would like 2 children.
Marriage has always been important to me and if it wasn’t for my age I would have insisted on marriage before baby.
We aren’t well off and I know we can’t afford a basic wedding when the time comes. We speak about it often as he wants to save for a pricey ring. I’ve told him the money is irrelevant but he wants to do it ‘properly’. We’ve looked into costs to budget and plan ahead and it seems a very basic registry office will be more than we can afford outright. I had the impression it would be under £100 but to my shock it seems to be much higher. Money will get tighter with a baby in the mix so I can’t justify spending hundreds at the moment.

I know the relationship is more important than a wedding but it’s got to me more than I expected it to. I often daydream about our wedding day - nothing fancy, no reception, flowers or big white dress. Knowing it may never happen or not for many years is a hard pill to swallow. I know we may have made it work before having a baby but as I said a family is much more important to me as I would have been resentful to marry then find we’d left it too late to conceive.
Has anyone been in this position and you have a happy long relationship without being husband and wife? How do you look past the disappointment when your friends are happily married and done things the ‘right way’ around?

OP posts:
Alltheebest · 28/04/2023 08:21

OP PLEASE ring up the registry office to confirm prices.

I looked online at a local one and they had ‘packages’ for around £400 cheapest.

I rang up and because we are having less than 30 people it’s actually £250 with an upfront booking fee of £50. The £250 doesn’t have to be paid close to the ceremony. Including giving notice that’s about £400.

So I’d pick up the phone and enquire about fees for a small ceremony plus how soon you have to pay. If you don’t have to pay right away is it possible you can both book a ceremony say in four months time (or longer!) and then both save £50 a month?

Alltheebest · 28/04/2023 08:22

Doesn’t have to be paid I’ll until closer to the ceremony that should say

WimpoleHat · 28/04/2023 08:37

I guess I’m pining for the romanticised side where I can call myself Mrs X and have the same surname as my baby.

OP - call me a cynic, but the trump card here is the surname. Your baby has your surname - end of. (And before we start on the “tradition”- this has been the tradition for countless generations. It’s just that it was also traditional before having a child to be married to the father and to have taken his surname for your own. But baby always had the mother’s name (just that would be Mrs X by that point). If your DP wants to be “traditional”, then he needs to go the whole hog and not just pick the bit that suits him…..

SquirrellyTheSquirrel · 28/04/2023 08:44

but he wants to do it ‘properly’.

God, it’s like a script with these men, isn’t it?

If he wanted to do it properly, you’d have been married before conceiving a baby.

I bet he’s “traditional” and wants the baby to have his surname too. You might let him know that tradition dictates that the child takes the mother’s name.

Freefall212 · 28/04/2023 08:51

Skip the pricey ring - that is just a sexist tradition that you really don't need to spend money on. You are marrying him assumably because you want to be with him, not for the expensive jewelry he can buy you. An engagement is as much the proper way as a dowry is the proper way. You don't need to be bought. Tell him he is enough, you don't need him to hold out money in front of him to get you to say yes. Given you are already having a baby and didnt save for a basic registry wedding, neither of you can prioritize weddings very much. An engagement is pointless when you live together with a child. Just ditch the ring idea and put that money and a bit of savings each month into the registry fund. When you have enough, go get married.

SheikYerboutiii · 28/04/2023 08:56

Hmm, something about this has my Spidey senses tingling. There's no way a simple register office wedding costs anywhere near £500. Given OP hasn't been back, I'm wondering if she hasn't had the response expected.....💰💰💰

Alltheebest · 28/04/2023 09:17

In addition to my post above OP I checked my local registry office fee and it is £57 to get wed, plus notice/certificate fees of £81. So it can be very cheap depending on the government location.

We are getting married in the next town along because we preferred the venue (lovely fancy Town hall) but if you're not too fussy it can be very cheap!

Original poster
Scissorcollector · 28/04/2023 10:12

Thanks for the kind and helpful replies, we’ve had a chat and decided later this year we’ll travel to somewhere with a cheap registry office as some of you have kindly pointed out, do in fact exist, just sadly not in my local area. The post was about being disappointed we couldn’t afford a wedding outright so I’m not sure why the thread has trailed into the territory of he doesn’t want to marry me, I should have got married before baby etc. As I clearly pointed out a baby was priority due to my age and risk of early menopause, if I married first and then couldn’t conceive I would be far more upset.

OP posts:
Thistlelass · 29/04/2023 02:27

slidi · 27/04/2023 16:19

I think if a woman is willing to cohabit with a man and get pregnant by him then what is the need for him to commit with a marriage? He has got everything without.

People say it is just a piece of paper but that piece of paper will give more rights than those who just live casually together.

The trouble is you compromised your need for a baby over wanting marriage before children. Marriage is important to me too and I am an older mother but I would never have had a child with my DH until we were married and my name was on the house.

Well I am sure this will help this couple not a lot.

MaryCrawford · 29/04/2023 08:57

Your boyfriend saying he will save for an expensive ring before getting married is akin to one saying they will wait to save up for a Rolls Royce before taking driving lessons.

Forget later this year. Borrow a couple of hundred quid-at the most- and do it NOW. Later is just kicking the ball into the long grass, as I'm sure he knows!

Toooldtoworry · 29/04/2023 09:10

GettingStuffed · 27/04/2023 16:04

The alternative is probably more expensive and that's to make wills which give you both the same safeguards as you will get when you're married

Sorry this is bullshit.

A will does not transfer the IHT allowance to your partner so your child can inherit with a 650k IHT allowance instead of 325k IHT allowance.

It doesn't allow the 'free' transfer of assets to you or vice versa on death.

Also if you split a will does nothing to gain financial support.

Toooldtoworry · 29/04/2023 09:14

@Scissorcollector I just looked up the cost at our local register office and was shocked to see the cheapest option if you didn't want a 'micro-wedding' was £425 plus £70 for the notice.

The information on the micro ceremony was:

Micro ceremony (Basic ceremony to complete legal paperwork only for four guests including two witnesses) £150

SquirrellyTheSquirrel · 29/04/2023 09:55

Toooldtoworry · 29/04/2023 09:10

Sorry this is bullshit.

A will does not transfer the IHT allowance to your partner so your child can inherit with a 650k IHT allowance instead of 325k IHT allowance.

It doesn't allow the 'free' transfer of assets to you or vice versa on death.

Also if you split a will does nothing to gain financial support.

Show quote history

It also doesn’t take into account the fact that he could change his will at any time and the OP would never know.

Mortimercat · 29/04/2023 10:25

Whether another unmarried couple feel like a proper family or not is irrelevant in my opinion. It is clear OP, that you want marriage. Unfortunately it also seems clear to me that your partner doesn’t.

That is because you speak of the marriage being many years away due to cost and him wanting to do it properly? Yes right of course he does. 🙄. He doesn’t want to marry you OP, even having a baby on the way doesn’t change that, make sure you give the baby your name.

Mortimercat · 29/04/2023 10:27

Scissorcollector · 28/04/2023 10:12

Thanks for the kind and helpful replies, we’ve had a chat and decided later this year we’ll travel to somewhere with a cheap registry office as some of you have kindly pointed out, do in fact exist, just sadly not in my local area. The post was about being disappointed we couldn’t afford a wedding outright so I’m not sure why the thread has trailed into the territory of he doesn’t want to marry me, I should have got married before baby etc. As I clearly pointed out a baby was priority due to my age and risk of early menopause, if I married first and then couldn’t conceive I would be far more upset.

But you can organise a marriage ceremony in a week? You didn’t need to wait. 🤷‍♀️

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/04/2023 11:11

Mortimercat · 29/04/2023 10:27

But you can organise a marriage ceremony in a week? You didn’t need to wait. 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

And you still don’t! You could have researched, booked, paid and been married before ttc.

You didn’t, a choice, but you can now, another choice. Just crack on and do it.

Paperbagsaremine · 29/04/2023 15:21

Mortimercat · 29/04/2023 10:27

But you can organise a marriage ceremony in a week? You didn’t need to wait. 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

IMO if you want to do the cheap version you do have to get the slot booked now.
https://www.gov.uk/marriages-civil-partnerships/give-notice
You have to have the appointment to "give notice" at least 29 days before the ceremony itself.

You can only do it quicker if there are special circumstances (usually, someone at death's door, or about to be deployed, that sort of thing) and it still costs more.

I was a witness for friends who had a statutory ceremony (the "big do" had a humanist celebrant so had no legal weight) and even that, they started booking 2 months out.

IMO it is the sentiments of the couple which create the romance, not the external factors!

Marriages and civil partnerships in England and Wales

How to get married or form a civil partnership in the UK, giving notice of marriage at a register office, visas, paying fees.

https://www.gov.uk/marriages-civil-partnerships/give-notice

KirstenBlest · 29/04/2023 16:22

We speak about it often as he wants to save for a pricey ring. I’ve told him the money is irrelevant but he wants to do it ‘properly’.
later in the year
It won't happen.
Give the baby your surname.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 29/04/2023 17:11

We have been together 21 years in may. Got married 1 and a half years ago after getting engaged in 2012. We got engaged then went travelling, moved cities, had a baby then moved cities again so it too a while to afford it but it was like a celebration of our relationship really. DD now 10 was our head flower girl and it was just lovely to spend our day with her there. I'm glad we did it when we did. Plus we got lots of jokes about the longest engagement 😆

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 29/04/2023 17:13

Oh and I didn't feel less like a family then. My DH summed it up as everything changed but nothing changed.

Ortiguilla · 29/04/2023 19:30

Toooldtoworry · 29/04/2023 09:14

@Scissorcollector I just looked up the cost at our local register office and was shocked to see the cheapest option if you didn't want a 'micro-wedding' was £425 plus £70 for the notice.

The information on the micro ceremony was:

Micro ceremony (Basic ceremony to complete legal paperwork only for four guests including two witnesses) £150

So the cheapest option is 150 pounds.

pointythings · 29/04/2023 22:28

A ceremony for just you two plus two witnesses is really cheap. You may not get the times you want, but round my way (Suffolk) it's £46. As soon as you want a proper ceremony it shoots up to a minimum of £345. It's important to be married once there's a child in the mix.

AlltheFs · 29/04/2023 22:35

@Scissorcollector I think you have got your wires crossed. Are you looking online? The fees you are quoting are for a registrar attending an approved venue eg going out to conduct the ceremony at a hotel. The prices for a basic statutory ceremony in the registry office are usually more hidden but are cheap-£46 here (that’s for the absolute basic).

Try again. Or post the links you are looking at. I’m 100% sure you are looking at the wrong thing if you are in England.

mindutopia · 29/04/2023 22:43

It’s £46 at our local one for a weekday and 2 guests. Even when Dh and I got married, albeit 10 years ago, we had a registry wedding (in the am before our actual wedding which was technically a blessing and not a legal wedding). It cost £800 on a Saturday for 2 registrars to travel about 30 minutes to us, set up all the kit, do the wedding with about 15 guests. You absolutely can do it for cheap. Even so it’s worth forgoing baby stuff you’ll never use to prioritise a marriage if it’s what you both want.

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