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Original poster

Not marrying

101 replies

Scissorcollector · 27/04/2023 15:31

Posting for a rant as I know nobody can actually help, so please be gentle.
Been with dp for 3 years and we have a baby on the way. Being late 30s I wanted us to get on with it as I have a history of early menopause in the family and would like 2 children.
Marriage has always been important to me and if it wasn’t for my age I would have insisted on marriage before baby.
We aren’t well off and I know we can’t afford a basic wedding when the time comes. We speak about it often as he wants to save for a pricey ring. I’ve told him the money is irrelevant but he wants to do it ‘properly’. We’ve looked into costs to budget and plan ahead and it seems a very basic registry office will be more than we can afford outright. I had the impression it would be under £100 but to my shock it seems to be much higher. Money will get tighter with a baby in the mix so I can’t justify spending hundreds at the moment.

I know the relationship is more important than a wedding but it’s got to me more than I expected it to. I often daydream about our wedding day - nothing fancy, no reception, flowers or big white dress. Knowing it may never happen or not for many years is a hard pill to swallow. I know we may have made it work before having a baby but as I said a family is much more important to me as I would have been resentful to marry then find we’d left it too late to conceive.
Has anyone been in this position and you have a happy long relationship without being husband and wife? How do you look past the disappointment when your friends are happily married and done things the ‘right way’ around?

OP posts:
drspouse · 27/04/2023 18:55

I have not been in that position but locally it's £91 for a weekday morning registry office wedding with 10 guests.
Get them to pay for their own meals down the pub. Job done.
Some non-conformist churches are about £200 (again, you'd probably be looking at a weekday morning) but CofE is about £500 plus just for the ceremony.

drspouse · 27/04/2023 18:56

Note re rights: I have also seen the point of view that if you are divorced and have children and a house it is better from a rights POV NOT to marry because then your house goes to your children without a claim from your spouse.

meditrina · 27/04/2023 19:19

Mutabiliss · 27/04/2023 17:06

Spousal maintenance is very rare nowadays unless you're married to someone super rich. My partner is a named beneficiary on my pension and I am on his.

Show quote history

Yes long-term spousal maintenance is rarely granted these days. But a shorter transitional period, eg until youngest DC is at school, or for a specified period whilst the spouse completes training which allows them to re-enter the workforce, does still happen.

Also, if one person takes time out of the workplace and does no make pensions contributions, then if a partner they're stuffed but if a spouse then pension provision goes in to the pot for division of assets. (Who is named as the beneficiary of the pension isn't the key point - because in the event of a separation that can be changed literally at the stroke of the pen, and in a non-marital break up there's no sharing)

A house will be in that pot if married. If not, then normally it's each get the share they own, and either one buys the other out or sell up and split any equity.

chocolatehoovering · 27/04/2023 19:21

That price for the registry office is way off. Is it a price for booking a ceremony room rather than just in the office itself? You should look at this again.
You can get cheap rings and save for better ones when things are better financially. You could have a celebration ie. wedding in a few times year if you could afford it then.

Velvian · 27/04/2023 19:22

I'm like a broken with this @Scissorcollector , but make sure that baby has your last name only. Otherwise you will have given away your only leverage.

Takemehome7 · 27/04/2023 19:24

I actually think some churches do it cheaper than that...

PrettyMaybug · 27/04/2023 19:31

One post in and a member of the 'it's only a piece of paper' brigade posts.

Are people so hard of thinking and obtuse that they actually believe this?!

@Scissorcollector YANBU. I would never have a child before getting married, but it's a bit late for that now. I would be saying 'put a ring on it or forget EVER having sex with me again.'

As has been said, a wedding does NOT have to cost a lot of money, and marriage IS important. Extremely important. Especially when children are involved. Ignore the 'it's only a piece of paper' comments. That is a bullshit comment made usually by women whose men won't marry them.

TurkishClouds · 27/04/2023 19:42

drspouse · 27/04/2023 18:56

Note re rights: I have also seen the point of view that if you are divorced and have children and a house it is better from a rights POV NOT to marry because then your house goes to your children without a claim from your spouse.

Divorce and death are different scenarios.
In England and Wales on death you can leave an asset that is yours, or your share of it, to whoever you wish. Being married doesn't change that.
It's only if you exclude someone who is financially dependent on you that they may be able to challenge that.

TurkishClouds · 27/04/2023 19:46

It's true that you can replicate some of the rights of marriage (or civil partnership) but

  1. It will cost more than a basic wedding / CP
  1. Wills, pension nominations etc. can be changed quickly and easily by one party if things turn sour. It's not possible to get out of a marriage / CP so easily.
meditrina · 27/04/2023 19:49

Takemehome7 · 27/04/2023 19:24

I actually think some churches do it cheaper than that...

2023 prices for CofE weddings.

The cost of church weddings | The Church of England

Merlinsbeard83 · 27/04/2023 19:53

PrettyMaybug · 27/04/2023 19:31

One post in and a member of the 'it's only a piece of paper' brigade posts.

Are people so hard of thinking and obtuse that they actually believe this?!

@Scissorcollector YANBU. I would never have a child before getting married, but it's a bit late for that now. I would be saying 'put a ring on it or forget EVER having sex with me again.'

As has been said, a wedding does NOT have to cost a lot of money, and marriage IS important. Extremely important. Especially when children are involved. Ignore the 'it's only a piece of paper' comments. That is a bullshit comment made usually by women whose men won't marry them.

I feel this post may be in relation to my post 🤣 .
I didn't say she should not get married . Just that having a child before marriage wasn't anything bad .
And FYI its my choice not to marry. My wonderful partner respects my decision.
My children have my name and I am fully protected financially.

AND VERY HAPPY !!

Ortiguilla · 27/04/2023 19:55

SwanPools2 · 27/04/2023 15:57

Our "wedding" cost £120 a few years ago. Two witnesses, no ceremony, no rings, normal clothes, back to work afterwards! Even parked somewhere further away from the registry office where it was free 😁. We just wanted it done for legal reasons though and saw it as a technical/legal errand. A lot of people don't know that we've done it as I don't see it as an achievement/something of interest to other people, and noone changed their name. We were together over 15 years beforehand. But as you can guess I'm not into weddings or romance so it didn't bother me at all to "miss out" on the traditional stuff.

yes, we did this too

BeeDavis · 27/04/2023 19:56

This is the problem with rushing into a relationship. 3 years is not actually a long time to know someone. Does he actually want to be married? That’s absolutely his choice and if you’ve jumped into having a baby with someone not knowing their full intentions of the relationship then that’s your issue. It just seems like you wanted the wedding and the baby and didn’t care about anything else. Me and my partner got married in our 10th year together! I would not marry someone and have a baby with the only 3 years into a relationship.

meditrina · 27/04/2023 19:58

Of course having a child without being married isn't "anything bad"!!

People make their own decisions about how they want to live. But generally, and especially on biggies like this, it's better to be sure that it is a decision, not just drifting (I'll stop banging on about this when I stop seeing posts from women for whom its all gone sour and who really wish they'd made different decisions)

And I suppose there's a lot of talk about security (or rather its flip side - drifting into making yourself vulnerable/dependent) because we can't answer the other part of OP's question, which is about how she'll feel

Ortiguilla · 27/04/2023 19:58

Scissorcollector · 27/04/2023 16:00

Thank you all. I’m glad it worked for you Merlin. I would love to get married tomorrow if we could afford to but unfortunately on maternity pay we’ve taken a significant drop in income and have minimal spare money each month. I intend to go back to work shortly after Christmas. I know the financial reasons are most important but I guess I’m pining for the romanticised side where I can call myself Mrs X and have the same surname as my baby. If a simple registry office on a weekday with 2 witnesses wasn’t £520 plus fees, we’d likely do it before the baby arrives. It cost my sister £30 several years back so I had no idea it had increased this much.

why on earth would your baby not have your surname?

Azerothi · 27/04/2023 20:10

Please don't give your baby your boyfriend's surname. Your baby should have your surname like generations of women before you and a multitude of other good reasons. And, don't be duped by posters saying it's just a piece of paper, it is way more than that.

I think you will have to accept he doesn't want to marry you if you both have little money and he wants to save for years buying an unnecessary expensive ring. it is a good excuse to remain your boyfriend.

Wallywobbles · 27/04/2023 20:21

Ive been married for quite a while and I didn't feel more married after the wedding. Took me about 5 years to feel married.

Butteralwaysmeltsaway · 27/04/2023 23:03

Less than £80 at many registry offices if you can be flexible.

Ring for him and similar price for you:
https://amzn.eu/d/gKHSzfl

Take away for you and two witnesses £50 or cheaper if you do a nice meal at home after.

I had a lovely dress to wear for registry office wedding but in Febuary weather took turn for the worse and I opted for a trusty wool dress and jacket instead.

We celebrated 5 years later when we'd got over the birth and associated costs of two DC.

MyDogStoodOnABee · 27/04/2023 23:44

KirstenBlest · 27/04/2023 16:22

he wants to save for a pricey ring
Wedding rings don't need to be pricy. There might never be any spare money for a pricy ring.

Sounded like an excuse to me

chocolatehoovering · 27/04/2023 23:57

MyDogStoodOnABee · 27/04/2023 23:44

Sounded like an excuse to me

Show quote history

Yeah it is.
Also who researched the registry office costs? You or him?
Find it very difficult to believe you can't find something cheaper than 500 quid.
Is he putting obstacles in the way?

Paperbagsaremine · 28/04/2023 00:08

You want a "Statutory Ceremony", OP, each council has to offer them, by law, but they don't make any money out of them, so as PPs have said, they tend to offer them at only one place in the area and on a Tuesday lunchtime or similar!

See e.g. Birmingham... https://www.birmingham.gov.uk/info/20212/marriages_and_civil_partnerships/735/book_a_marriage_or_civil_partnership_ceremony_at_birmingham_register_office/2

Looking at the website for my local council, the info was buried deep in the website - there was a page with the fees for all the different ceremony rooms and THERE they admitted that if you got married (on a Tues or Weds at certain times) actually in the office (filing cabinets and all) it was only the statutory £57 and not £3-400 which everything else was. Plus you still have to pay 2 X £35 to give notice, but that can be done at your local register office (even if you're getting married at another one because that's where it's cheapest).

Could someone not at least give you a lift to the register office where they do the cheap ceremonies, as a wedding present?

Statutory ceremony | Book a marriage or civil partnership ceremony at Birmingham Register Office | Birmingham City Council

Details of the costs for holding your marriage or civil partnership registration at the Birmingham Register Office.

https://www.birmingham.gov.uk/info/20212/marriages_and_civil_partnerships/735/book_a_marriage_or_civil_partnership_ceremony_at_birmingham_register_office/2

SwanPools2 · 28/04/2023 08:04

Paperbagsaremine · 28/04/2023 00:08

You want a "Statutory Ceremony", OP, each council has to offer them, by law, but they don't make any money out of them, so as PPs have said, they tend to offer them at only one place in the area and on a Tuesday lunchtime or similar!

See e.g. Birmingham... https://www.birmingham.gov.uk/info/20212/marriages_and_civil_partnerships/735/book_a_marriage_or_civil_partnership_ceremony_at_birmingham_register_office/2

Looking at the website for my local council, the info was buried deep in the website - there was a page with the fees for all the different ceremony rooms and THERE they admitted that if you got married (on a Tues or Weds at certain times) actually in the office (filing cabinets and all) it was only the statutory £57 and not £3-400 which everything else was. Plus you still have to pay 2 X £35 to give notice, but that can be done at your local register office (even if you're getting married at another one because that's where it's cheapest).

Could someone not at least give you a lift to the register office where they do the cheap ceremonies, as a wedding present?

This is what we did, down to the municipal office and all. It depends though on whether you really want to only do the legal bit and basically treat it as an admin errand, or if you want some "romance" to it.

NewtyB · 28/04/2023 08:10

Due to visa reasons and covid complicating matters we had a registry office wedding with 2 witnesses and parents, followed by some dinner and drinks out in a normal restaurant and honestly it was better than our big white wedding celebration we had a couple of years later. I loved that day so much so would 100% recommend.
Our registry office cost about £160 (plus £35 each for notice) I think (3 years ago), for a Saturday morning because we were doing it with so few people. If you wanted a big one later in the day it was far more expensive. The weekday slots are about £57 (or were), that was central Manchester but ones further out were about the same.

Jemandthehologramsunite · 28/04/2023 08:14

Given it sounds like you just want a simple wedding I don't understand why this can't be done with a very small budget. It sounds like it's important to you, so I think you should have one or it might not happen

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 28/04/2023 08:16

Our wedding coat £125. Just the two of us at a registry office, no family or friends. We picked an area that was special to us and had a night in a travel lodge Grin