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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me with this apology

82 replies

IAmBreathing · 26/04/2023 09:13

I’ll try to keep this to the point.

Three weeks ago DH told me he was unhappy in our marriage. This came out of the blue for me and I was blindsided.

He is an anxious person, was facing a particularly anxiety provoking work related event, and seemed to have decided part of his anxiety was related to realising how unhappy he was in our marriage. He felt he needed to end it to relive the anxiety it had been creating.

It was all so sudden and I hoped we might be able to work on it together. I was also mindful that his anxiety might be colouring his view of the situation and I hoped that after he work event he might feel a title differently. A few days later after talking with family he decided he needed space and time and moved out.

It has been a confusing and painful time. I can’t separate genuine marriage difficulties from his anxiety but he seemed very clear and determined. I’ve tried to reason with him and suggested maybe he talks with a therapist but he is not listening and I am talking to a closed door.

I think he is hoping that after he’s managed to reduce his overwhelm he might be better placed to talk about what has happened- not necessarily to fix things but just to think more clearly.

I am devastated. I genuinely had no idea he was unhappy or that what I thought were usual niggles were bothering him so much. We hadn’t had a single conversation about this before and I had no idea it was brewing (I thought all his stress was work related). This is out of character, he is usually a kind, decent good man.

I can’t reconcile any of this but am trying to accept that ultimately he does have a right to fall out of love with me, and although he should have bought this up before and I thought I’d married someone who would work on the inevitable downs rather than hiding or running I can’t change this now.

He has messaged me periodically. Mainly to tell me he’s ok, what he’s been upto, that I’m in his thoughts, he’s sorry, he didn’t want to hurt anyone and this is so hard.

Part of me wants to ignore the messages but I cant. I want to be true to my feelings which are that I love him and want him to get better. I can’t help hoping that might involve us fixing our marriage, but I know that will be a long and difficult road.

It might sound stupid but of all the things going on it’s these messages saying “I’m sorry” that are flooring me. I don’t know how to respond. I guess I know he’s sorry, I believe he didn’t mean to hurt me but at the same time I’m so hurt, confused and a bit angry. I’m also trying to hold onto what self respect and strength that I have left and need him to know how hurtful this has been, and to not create the impression that I’m a pushover or a doormat.

Please can anyone help me with how to respond or to understand why this type of message is bothering me so much?

OP posts:
GastonHaugh · 26/04/2023 09:17

Cherchez la femme.

Im so sorry.

PelvicFlora · 26/04/2023 09:19

He's had his head turned and is biding his time to see if it will turn into something he can jump ship to.

Don't respond to him at all. Let him experience the consequences of his actions. He's left you, he doesn't get to keep you on the back burner.

Bluebells1970 · 26/04/2023 09:20

Oh love, it's not you, it's him. And the likelihood is that he's met someone else but is hiding behind excuses rather than admit it.

Men don't leave comfortable environments for no reason. And it's disgusting that he's blaming you and his mental health for it.

TIme to toughen up a bit here and get some legal advice. And stop communication with him because it's really not helping you Flowers

baileys6904 · 26/04/2023 09:21

I wondered how long it would take for the first person to automatically imply he's having an affair.

Weirdly some people can have a breakdown in relationships without a 3rd party involved.

OP, only you know your husband here and your relationship. I don't know how I'd respond, but just wanted to warn you to brace yourself against the 'other woman' posts. It may be that, it may not be, but there are other things that can relationship breakdown.

Perhaps concentrate on you and your thoughts about this. Is your marriage worth waiting around for? Is there something missing? Perhaps day to day life has got in the way and things are a bit stale? Your post is all about him, what about you in all this?

Original poster
IAmBreathing · 26/04/2023 09:23

@GastonHaugh i accept that the might of mumsnet may think there is another woman. I don’t think this is the case. However I do realise that maybe it is.

I have seen several threads get derailed by posters continually pointing out the likelihood of another woman and I’m hoping this won’t go the same way because it doesn’t make an enormous difference ATM anyway and right now that’s not what I’m struggling with.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 26/04/2023 09:25

PelvicFlora · 26/04/2023 09:19

He's had his head turned and is biding his time to see if it will turn into something he can jump ship to.

Don't respond to him at all. Let him experience the consequences of his actions. He's left you, he doesn't get to keep you on the back burner.

Actually I do agree with this, sounds like he's perpetuating the 'poor him' scenario so if whatever he has up his sleeve doesn't come to fruition he can trot home, back into your bed but with the bonus factor you'll be walking on eggshells not to 'upset him'.

GastonHaugh · 26/04/2023 09:26

Ok so suppose you’re right and it isn’t another person/distraction…

He unilaterally decided to vacate his responsibilities as your husband and just feck off, without any discussion. None at all. He’s upended YOUR life and emotions. He was stressed. And?!

He has let you down badly. So what exactly are you apologising for?

MichelleScarn · 26/04/2023 09:26

Cross posted there with you op, hope it isn't the case!

GastonHaugh · 26/04/2023 09:29

I remember reading on here years ago a similar situation - probably more dire as the husband seemed to just have a major personality change and moved out without warning and the OP said if it HAD been another woman it would have been easier because at least she would know what she was dealing with. Her husband it turns out was really very mentally unwell and was delusional but at the time she thought she was losing her mind because nothing at all made sense.

Bonbon21 · 26/04/2023 09:34

Whatever the future holds for you, either apart or together, you will need to be strong.
Take this time to look after yourself... physically and mentally.. eat well, sleep as well as you can, exercise.. fresh air and self care.
It is so easy to curl up when you are in pain and wait to see what happens with your head down but that won't help.
Talk about the situation with a couple of people you are close to and trust, you need to vent. And remember if you are hurt or angry or despairing... this WILL pass... whatever the outcome.. YOU will survive this.
And without cynicism... it might be an opportunity to check all your documents are in good order... in this space of time whenyou can be calm.

Original poster
IAmBreathing · 26/04/2023 09:34

@baileys6904 thank you. The flurry of other woman posts has begun. I really don’t think that’s the case, but of course it’s always a possibility. It seems pointless to explain why I doubt it, as the thread will then become about arguing the point.

I know how supportive and wise mumsnet can be, but sometimes it feels like posters like me are bombarded with ‘other woman’ responses as if all I have to do is accept that and move on.

You are right, my OP is all about him. I guess though that I am genuinely shocked and confused. I had thought things were good, even very good. Obviously I was wrong- but creating a list of issues from my POV seems a bit disingenuous as I thought all was well.

Having said that it is clear that we have issues with communication. I also think being chronic people pleasers has played a part.

OP posts:
sladys · 26/04/2023 09:34

Even if there is no other woman, he's been a complete dickhead. Work stress is no excuse to treat your spouse so badly.

I'd just stop replying. He's only trying to ease his guilt and make himself feel better. Don't give him that

PelvicFlora · 26/04/2023 09:37

It's almost irrelevant whether he has OW or not.

Only you will know if your marriage has been unhappy 'for a while'. But if that comes as a suspense to you, then he is rewriting a big chunk of history there. You have to wonder what the reason is? To justify an affair and assuage his guilt? Or something psychiatric going on where he's living in an alternate reality to you?

Either way, the net effect on you is the same. He's fucked off and abandoned you and hasn't even had the decency to leave you to process it. Instead he's monopolising your attention from afar with his 'poor me' self-pitying act. When do your feelings get to be heard? He wants to cruelly reject you and Lee you dangling as his emotional support human.

And YOU want to apologise to HIM?

Fuck that.

Get angry OP. He's behaving like a twat.

PelvicFlora · 26/04/2023 09:38

Surprise not suspense.

Original poster
IAmBreathing · 26/04/2023 09:38

Thank you for the responses, I really appreciate them.

I need to try understand why his apologies, are causing me so much distress, and how to respond.

I know I maybe should ignore him, but I would like to respond.

OP posts:
Bluebells1970 · 26/04/2023 09:42

So has his anxiety improved since he left? And where is he staying?

I still think he's taking you for a mug, sorry. Which is why you need legal advice to know where you stand regarding where you live, shared assets etc.

TeaStory · 26/04/2023 09:42

Perhaps his apologies are causing you so much distress because he is saying the words without backing them up with action. He claims he didn't want to hurt you, but has admitted carrying out a course of action that he must have known would hurt you.

If you could put aside what you think his needs and issues are for a bit, what do you need for yourself?

Original poster
IAmBreathing · 26/04/2023 09:43

GastonHaugh · 26/04/2023 09:29

I remember reading on here years ago a similar situation - probably more dire as the husband seemed to just have a major personality change and moved out without warning and the OP said if it HAD been another woman it would have been easier because at least she would know what she was dealing with. Her husband it turns out was really very mentally unwell and was delusional but at the time she thought she was losing her mind because nothing at all made sense.

It does feel totally out of character. My friends and family agree. He has only ever been considerate, kind and thoughtful before. His family who he is staying with feel he is in a bad place and are concerned about his mental health. They have asked me to try to let him get to a place where he can think more clearly. They clearly have his back (as they should) but have said they feel he’s not in a good place and rightly or wrongly needs time to get better.

OP posts:
LapinR0se · 26/04/2023 09:44

When he says I’m sorry it feels like a stab because he means there is no way back

AntoniaMacaronia · 26/04/2023 09:45

You are in distress anyway because you have been blindsided. Perhaps these 'poor me' messages are his attempt at manipulating you not to react how he knows you should be, that's why you feel uncomfortable.

I really wouldn't be in any hurry to respond to him, take your time to get this right. He wants your sympathy. Try and have a look at the situation from the outside, what do you see?

User0610139736 · 26/04/2023 09:46

It’s very difficult, not sure what you are meant to be respond when he says ‘I’m sorry’. I suppose ‘so am I’ or ‘I know, but that doesn’t help me right now’ are probably the honest reactions?
I don’t know about you but my tendency is always to relieve the other persons discomfort but I think in this situation no why should you. Just be honest about how you’re feeling.

TimeToBreakFree · 26/04/2023 09:46

From what you have said, you have devoted your entire marriage to centre everything around him. You mentioned you are a people pleaser, and it probably comes completely automatically to you, to stop doing it would probably seen alien and selfish and wrong.

But the problem with you having done this in your marriage so much is that even with your husband ditching you, you're both focused on him at the Centre, not you, yet you're the one that's jilted.

If he had come to you with any of his problems, you would definitely have bent over backwards to work at it with him. But he didn't give you that opportunity, and that's on him, not you. But he knows that, we know that, I think you're the only one that doesn't.

It's incredibly selfish of him to: a) not give you a chance to remedy the situation, and b) to try and string you along with regular updates about what's going on for him while you are no longer together. He knows he's got a full-time interested party and that of course will feed his ego won't it. Don't forget, nobody else has paid attention to him and bowed to his wishes the way that his devoted wife, the people pleaser, always has.

I would second that you need to cut that off at the pass. It's messing with your emotions and is cruel. If he's ditched you, then he needs to let you go and live your best life without him. I'm sorry he's done this to you, you sound like you would be the kind of person that would work hard at a relationship and I hope that you free yourself to go and do that in your future rather than waste any more time on him.

User0610139736 · 26/04/2023 09:47

Can you get him along to some joint counselling?

Original poster
IAmBreathing · 26/04/2023 09:47

Bluebells1970 · 26/04/2023 09:42

So has his anxiety improved since he left? And where is he staying?

I still think he's taking you for a mug, sorry. Which is why you need legal advice to know where you stand regarding where you live, shared assets etc.

I’m unsure where his anxiety is at ATM because I haven’t been ablE to talk with him. But I guess he is pretty fragile (as am I).

he is staying with his sister and her family.

I accept he is treating me very badly. I will absolutely be preparing myself and taking advice which prepares me for a divorce but that doesn’t stop the feelings that I have and the conflict that I’m feeling.

OP posts:
AntoniaMacaronia · 26/04/2023 09:49

They have asked me to try to let him get to a place where he can think more clearly.

What do they mean by that? Why does it have to be your responsibility?