Please help me with this apology

[IAmBreathing]

I’ll try to keep this to the point.

Three weeks ago DH told me he was unhappy in our marriage. This came out of the blue for me and I was blindsided.

He is an anxious person, was facing a particularly anxiety provoking work related event, and seemed to have decided part of his anxiety was related to realising how unhappy he was in our marriage. He felt he needed to end it to relive the anxiety it had been creating.

It was all so sudden and I hoped we might be able to work on it together. I was also mindful that his anxiety might be colouring his view of the situation and I hoped that after he work event he might feel a title differently. A few days later after talking with family he decided he needed space and time and moved out.

It has been a confusing and painful time. I can’t separate genuine marriage difficulties from his anxiety but he seemed very clear and determined. I’ve tried to reason with him and suggested maybe he talks with a therapist but he is not listening and I am talking to a closed door.

I think he is hoping that after he’s managed to reduce his overwhelm he might be better placed to talk about what has happened- not necessarily to fix things but just to think more clearly.

I am devastated. I genuinely had no idea he was unhappy or that what I thought were usual niggles were bothering him so much. We hadn’t had a single conversation about this before and I had no idea it was brewing (I thought all his stress was work related). This is out of character, he is usually a kind, decent good man.

I can’t reconcile any of this but am trying to accept that ultimately he does have a right to fall out of love with me, and although he should have bought this up before and I thought I’d married someone who would work on the inevitable downs rather than hiding or running I can’t change this now.

He has messaged me periodically. Mainly to tell me he’s ok, what he’s been upto, that I’m in his thoughts, he’s sorry, he didn’t want to hurt anyone and this is so hard.

Part of me wants to ignore the messages but I cant. I want to be true to my feelings which are that I love him and want him to get better. I can’t help hoping that might involve us fixing our marriage, but I know that will be a long and difficult road.

It might sound stupid but of all the things going on it’s these messages saying “I’m sorry” that are flooring me. I don’t know how to respond. I guess I know he’s sorry, I believe he didn’t mean to hurt me but at the same time I’m so hurt, confused and a bit angry. I’m also trying to hold onto what self respect and strength that I have left and need him to know how hurtful this has been, and to not create the impression that I’m a pushover or a doormat.

Please can anyone help me with how to respond or to understand why this type of message is bothering me so much?

His apologies hurt because they make absolutely no difference. They don't help one iota. He is not at home. He is not talking to you. What good is "I'm sorry" apart from rubbing salt in the wound?

Tell him that if he's really sorry, he needs to also give you space and time and his texting you is hurting you so until he's ready to properly talk to please not contact you.

He can’t have it both ways. I think you should tell him to stop messaging you to give you an update on him. Sounds like he’s expecting you to fulfil your “role” of worrying about him even whilst he’s done this.

I’m cynical and I’d wonder if there was someone else and that was contributing to the anxiety.

I think ooh should focus on you as difficult as that may be and allow yourself to be angry too. All the best OP.

Why is it up to OP? Worst advice ever!

"They have asked me to try to let him get to a place where he can think more clearly."

What do they mean by that? Why does it have to be your responsibility?

because they're also used to her taking responsibility for centring everything around him, as is the Op. none of them are thinking of her, and I dare say never do. They probably don't need to if she's a people pleaser, they expect her to fulfil her tried and tested role in the family.

Yes maybe that is it. I instinctively want to believe he is sorry and didn’t mean to hurt me- but he knew that he would and he did it anyway. Plus he has removed the chance to work at things, which I took for granted within a marriage before throwing in the towel.

What do I need? Good question, but not one I’m very sure of the answer to. I think I need some sort of a explanation that makes sense and that I can feel is based on his own truth rather than potentially being caused by some sort of breakdown skewing his judgement.

Good advice here

Op

you have had a nasty shock, you have been blindsided

Did you notice he had anxiety? What was he doing to demonstrate this to you?

Has he been in his job long? Has he had a change of responsibilities?

How old is he? How long have you been married?

Did you see any other changes looking back? weight related? Changes to phone use? Work pattern? Mood?

Were you planning something? A baby? A holiday?

I don’t think it would hurt for him to seek mental health support and for both of you to separately engage with counseling.

I have anxiety and I’m not sure how exactly to explain it, but it doesn’t work in this way for me. Like if something is good, I don’t irrationally not like it or want to remove myself because of anxiety. I get anxiety about work, but that’s because it’s a problem in and of itself (stress levels of the role) rather than me just being an anxious person and attributing that to work. I get anxiety about travel (the physical traveling/visas/having everything etc) but I don’t irrationally blame it on hating Spain or wherever, I can articulate what part of going on holiday causes me anxiety.

What I’m saying is, I know you’re hurting but I don’t believe anxiety would cause a person to do something they don’t genuinely want to do in terms of a relationship. Maybe some other mental health concern, but if we’re talking clinical anxiety then it makes no sense.

If there’s an OW it’s all the same in the end, I don’t see the point in speculation as the reality speaks for itself. He has ditched his family and is blaming anxiety and avoiding the truth. Whatever that truth is, he’s not willing or able to come out with it and OP is still in a crappy position.

I think you need to be the one having time and space Op, not responding to him when he’s feeling guilty or whatever it is he’s doing. Feels manipulative to me.

He has asked for space, his family have asked you to give him space...that is what you should do. This is very hard and unfair on you but if you care for him as much as you say you do, leave him alone. Let him work through his issues by himself, don't contact him or respond or try and get answers from him. Do the best you can, however painful it is for you if you truly want a chance of him coming back.
It is extremely hard when you have no dialogue with the other person and didn't know there was a problem but sometimes you have to give them the space they need...or just plan to move on....trying to force a conversation might push them away.

i don’t agree, I don’t mean get him along as in to help him with his MH primarily, but to help her make sense of what’s going on. It’s surely reasonable advice and a course of action to consider when a relationship is in crisis.
But only if it’s what the OP wants and thinks will benefit her.

Perhaps it hurts when he apologises because you are so focused on suppressing your anger and hurt and fear about the future. When he apologises, he's acknowledging what he's put you through and you're forced to feel those feelings.

You have every right to be angry. I'd be furious. How dare he blindside you like this, and then keep you at arm's length, with all communication on his terms. Do you deserve to be treated in this way? I certainly don't think that you do.

Ok, so I think it's making you feel so uncomfortable because, consciously or not, he's trying to get you to absolve him of his behaviour then he won't have to have your feelings on his conscience. He wants you to say, Oh no don't worry, that's ok, you go and take the time to get better.
He's using you to make himself feel better. And his sister is doing the same thing on his behalf.
Do you normally have to swallow down your own feelings to keep him feeling ok? Because it's not good for you. Take some time to yourself and don't respond. You also need space to recover, he hasn't got the monopoly on being hurt.

@TimeToBreakFree yes this is spot on. There are issues with his family I can see that. I accept they should have his back though so I guess they want me to stop trying to work out what he hell is going on and give him some space and time to pull himself together in terms of his mental health. His sister said she was worried he’d have a heart attack.

tBH I have no choice but to give him space and time!

I think, you should insist that you both go to counselling together. If you are splitting up, you are going to need it.

just say, it’s like a mediation and you need it so you can get some answers before splitting up. He should go to one session with you at least.

if he continues to refuse then I would be suspicious that he is hiding something. Not necessarily a woman but something!

Im so sorry, you must be in total shock.

So I don't talk about this much because I tend to get ripped a new one for it. But several years ago I had a breakdown due to stress and burnout and I tried to bail on my marriage. It had nothing to do with another person and everything to do with me desperately trying to excise anything from my life that might be causing me to feel so awful. I wanted to leave my husband, disown my child and move to Guatemala and live in a tree.

So while I'm sure there's some merit to all the "he's had his head turned" posts, it's also entirely possible that he really is just cracked down the middle.

It doesn't stop what he's doing being an awful, awful thing and incredibly selfish. I still feel awful for what I put my husband through back then and I didn't actually LEAVE, he managed to coax me into counselling and eventually get me help for my mental health issues that caused me to want to run away in the first place.

I don't really know what to do, I'm sorry. I think for your own sanity you need to reduce contact with him and start trying to patch yourself together, though. He might just be an irresponsible arsehole who wants to bail on his life, or he might be having a genuine complete breakdown, but the results for you are the same. He's given up on and run away from your marriage, which is horrible. Whatever his reasons, still feels the same for you. I'm really sorry.

I'm so very sorry you are going through this. It sounds like a total head wreck. His family are only viewing the situation in terms of what is best for him, understandably, but they seem to be expecting you to do the same.
I would strongly advise you to focus on your own needs here. Your husband may be having some sort of mental health crisis but he has chosen to blame your marriage for his stress and turn his back on you. He is responsible for addressing his own mental health and has the support of his family.
You can't help him, nor should you try.
I would either ignore his messages or ask him to stop messaging you, there is nothing to be gained by engaging with him at the moment. Your conflicting feelings are entirely understandable and I would encourage you to seek the support of a counsellor/ therapist to help you navigate your way through this.

In your shoes I couldn't not respond. I would probably say something along the lines of. You may or may not have set out to hurt me, but you have. You have not tried to explain your actions, which hurts even more. I need time and space to try to make sense of this shit show you have created.

@Quitelikeit

Yes, I noticed he had anxiety. It is a constant in his life. I knew it had increased because of discussions we had about it- but all
related to work especially the upcoming event. I was trying to support him in using coping techniques (exercise, avoiding catastrophic thinking, grounding etc.).

He has been in his job over 20 years. It’s a very stressful environment (but not life and death), he is very good at his job but worries constantly about loosing it. his boss is demanding and unpredictable and he is very diligent which makes it worse. I’ve tried to encourage him to consider whether he could look for another job but he worrries that he can’t.

we are both late 40s, married for 12 years.

The only changes that I noticed were him being more tired than usual, looking unwell, loss of appetite and worrying excessively about the work event.

I think you need to face the fact that you may never know why he's done this. People don't always have answers. People don't always give the answers even if they do know.

It's fully understandable to try and rake over every last discussion or habit or negative experienced between you to find clues but the sooner you give that up the better.

You may never know, and even if you did, what a difference really would it make? It would only serve to make you wish that you could do something different or maybe worse than that try harder in order to effect change in him and lose yourself further in the process. There is a really good reason why people are told, don't lose yourself in another person just because you fear losing that other person.

Actions speak louder than words. He's giving you his words of apology, but he's not giving you his actions supporting it. If he was genuinely sorry he would be doing all he can to make himself feel better and to give you reasons for what's happening rather than expecting you to hang on in there blindly , waiting for something that may never actually happen (and probably won't).

I wonder to how much you've been holding onto an illusion of who you thought he was and wanted him to be, rather than who he actually was? Just a thought.

I need to try understand why his apologies, are causing me so much distress, and how to respond

Maybe just tell him that and ask him to stop.

I'm so sorry to say that men doing leave because of anxiety and overwhelm. How does a painful separation help that?!

He has left because he is having an affair with someone.

Yeah but did you go and live with your sister and function at work normally, so it was only your husband they got the brunt of it? Sounds like you were the same with everybody to be honest, it sounds like this man isn't.

Assuming that he was unhappy in your marriage and as he said that added to his anxiety then I’m afraid you need to start looking at your relationship a bit closer

Did you go out much? Share hobbies? Have a sex life?

Is their children? Why not? Who made the choice?

Did he go out without you? Does he have friends?

There* not their!!