Please help me with this apology

[IAmBreathing]

I’ll try to keep this to the point.

Three weeks ago DH told me he was unhappy in our marriage. This came out of the blue for me and I was blindsided.

He is an anxious person, was facing a particularly anxiety provoking work related event, and seemed to have decided part of his anxiety was related to realising how unhappy he was in our marriage. He felt he needed to end it to relive the anxiety it had been creating.

It was all so sudden and I hoped we might be able to work on it together. I was also mindful that his anxiety might be colouring his view of the situation and I hoped that after he work event he might feel a title differently. A few days later after talking with family he decided he needed space and time and moved out.

It has been a confusing and painful time. I can’t separate genuine marriage difficulties from his anxiety but he seemed very clear and determined. I’ve tried to reason with him and suggested maybe he talks with a therapist but he is not listening and I am talking to a closed door.

I think he is hoping that after he’s managed to reduce his overwhelm he might be better placed to talk about what has happened- not necessarily to fix things but just to think more clearly.

I am devastated. I genuinely had no idea he was unhappy or that what I thought were usual niggles were bothering him so much. We hadn’t had a single conversation about this before and I had no idea it was brewing (I thought all his stress was work related). This is out of character, he is usually a kind, decent good man.

I can’t reconcile any of this but am trying to accept that ultimately he does have a right to fall out of love with me, and although he should have bought this up before and I thought I’d married someone who would work on the inevitable downs rather than hiding or running I can’t change this now.

He has messaged me periodically. Mainly to tell me he’s ok, what he’s been upto, that I’m in his thoughts, he’s sorry, he didn’t want to hurt anyone and this is so hard.

Part of me wants to ignore the messages but I cant. I want to be true to my feelings which are that I love him and want him to get better. I can’t help hoping that might involve us fixing our marriage, but I know that will be a long and difficult road.

It might sound stupid but of all the things going on it’s these messages saying “I’m sorry” that are flooring me. I don’t know how to respond. I guess I know he’s sorry, I believe he didn’t mean to hurt me but at the same time I’m so hurt, confused and a bit angry. I’m also trying to hold onto what self respect and strength that I have left and need him to know how hurtful this has been, and to not create the impression that I’m a pushover or a doormat.

Please can anyone help me with how to respond or to understand why this type of message is bothering me so much?

His apologising is all well and good, but are the apologies to make him feel better or you. They are just words. You are the one who had suffered because of his mental health, but unless he is prepared to take action to help himself, there isn't a happy future with him.

This may not be the way you want to go.

But do you think if you texted him you could get a dialogue going which might help you by him explaining what is going on in his head.

I read that being vulnerable was a quick way to get others to open up.

So you reply by saying you have been thinking a lot about the relationship, the good the bad, and perhaps offer up something you may have done wrong. He may then reciprocate with a bit of what’s going on in his head.

This dialogue from you may be done from the heart or only as a strategy to get some clarity on his behaviour.

Why you feel so bad about the “I’m sorry” may because what he’s done is so out of character for him, sorry isn’t enough.

I actually did exactly that yes. Moved in with my brother for a week, ostensibly to "get my head straight" but it was, looking back, just to run away and hide. I'm not proud of it, but it's exactly what I did. It hurt my husband immeasurably, and he did bear the brunt of it because he protected our child from it.

I compartmentalised at work and just drifted through the days on autopilot - I wasn't the best employee in the world but work was easy because it was routine, and in my head I'd already established that work wasn't the problem so I just started going through everything else in my life and nuking it.

I'm not trying to argue in this man's favour at all, he's done a horrible thing. Just trying to offer perspective from the other side.

He has not specifically told the op what he was unhappy with in the marriage

Op is focussing on work anxiety but he said that his relationship was making his life worse

There seems to be something in the water because I've seen several posts like this recently and it also happened to me back in January.
My oh said basically the same thing after 15+ years together, he moved out into his mum's but was haunting me with messages and visits.
I put it down at first to a midlife crisis, big birthday coming up, life passing him by etc.
Anyway he's now sleeping in my spare room (mum's didn't work out for him) we're living together as housemates, paying bills, eating together, sleeping apart.
I asked him last night what his long term plans are, apparently he has none.
I'm living my new life, going out, enjoying myself, booked a holiday etc.
I think he's full of regret but I've made it clear there's no going back, the trust has gone, he shook my world.
My point is don't let him back in (don't be me), ignore the messages, don't make it easy for him, look after yourself, make a life for yourself that doesn't include him.

I wouldn't respond apart from a thumbs up to indicate you've read his messages. He's not up for a discussion because he probably can't articulate at the moment and he's not interested in how you are so I don't know what he wants you to say. It sounds like any response you give is shared to the family and they are suggesting you leave him alone. I don't mean to sound mean unfeeling but he's their problem at the moment, you need to be concentrating on your well-being instead of trying to think for two.

I read that being vulnerable was a quick way to get others to open up.

So you reply by saying you have been thinking a lot about the relationship, the good the bad, and perhaps offer up something you may have done wrong.

I don't think this is a good idea at all. This is about him and his behaviour, it could well be that he has had his head turned, we don't know. The OP offering up any of her 'failings' could give him or his family ammunition they wouldn't have otherwise had, should they turn against her. If it goes as far as divorce it would more than likely be used against her, if that's how it works wherever she lives.

Look after yourself at all costs @IAmBreathing .

I can totally understand why his apologies are so hurtful. They're hollow. He's dumped this on you out of nowhere and not given you any say in it. He won't engage in counselling or discussion and while all the external factors seem to be causing his anxiety and hurt, he has decided his marriage is the one thing that has to go.

It's also hard because I'd imagine he's usually the person you talk to about things. It's an enormous betrayal, whatever is behind it.

Are you telling him how hard this is for you or is this all one way? I'm just wondering who's supporting you.

I think maybe you say "there is no need to say that you are sorry. I accept that you didn't want to hurt me and that you feel that separating is your personal path to happiness. However this has come out of the blue for me and is incredibly upsetting. What I need from you to make this is easier is.... X".

I would personally want X to be for him to leave me alone to grieve the end of my marriage in peace for a few weeks and I will contact him when I am ready to discuss next steps. That might not be the case for you.

Sod that for a lark.

OP I wonder if the reason his ‘sorry’ is such an issue is that it’s just yet another demand on you. It’s asking you for
something (emotional energy) to accept his apology and he’s hurt you enough.

I agree with a previous poster who suggested something along the lines of stating to him that you need time and space to think and for him to not message you with ad hoc thoughts, only practical points of communication about resolving this or moving on.

The apologies are bothering you because they are half hearted and because you know deep down that he wants you to forgive him so that HE can feel better. He doesn't really care how you feel. Reading between the lines, it sounds like you have spent a large part of your marriage managing and accommodating his anxiety and now that he has broken your heart, he STILL expects you to do that.

I think this is surprisingly common and it's often how women find themselves in emotionally abusive relationships - the man isn't purposefully doing it but a process and routine is set up where his weaknesses.failings are excused on the basis of his mental health and 10 years down the line, the woman has twisted herself into a pretzel to manage this.

Do you have children? Has he left you (ie your relationship) but also any children or other shared responsibilities? Something else I notice - men and women with genuine MH problems don't drop their responsibilities. They struggle and find things hard but they are not intrinsically selfish... and yet so many women are with men whose supposed MH problems mean they can only watch football and not change nappies or they can leave their wives and children without a backward look.....

I'm so sorry op.

I think the best thing would be to ask him to stop contacting you so that you can have some space to think a out what's happened and what you need. I think his apologies are distressing because he's asking you to tell him everythings okay so that he will feel better. He doesn't want to be the bad guy.

This is very hard, I’m so sorry, it it is always awful when a marriage or long term relationship ends and harder for the person who didn’t chose it.

id urge you to not go down the route of deciding it’s mental illness that’s caused this. He’s clearly decided to end his marriage and is sorry for hurting you.

It’s important you realise this isn’t new to him. it’s only new to you.

He’s been mulling this over for a long time. It is likely what caused much of his anxiety knowing he was going to end it. As opposed to it being the marriage itself or predominantly the job. He knew what he was going to do and it caused him anxiety. It would anyone.

so I’d reset my mind and understand this is something he knew he was going to do for some time..

OP If he keeps saying he is sorry, then maybe you should be responding to that and asking why he is sorry

Op I’m sorry but I could’ve written your post 5 years ago. Exh was under a lot of pressure at work, sick parents etc and he announced he needed a break. He then said that actually he had doubts for years and had been waiting for dd to do school entrance exams before going so it was actually quite premeditated. While being ‘unhappy’ he seemed to be a good, loving husband.

His head had been turned although I don’t believe it was anything other than a crush on his side, so you might find it isn’t an OW as such but a desire for something more ‘interesting’. He also started a new hobby although as this is Mumsnet I am going to be secretive about tbat!

I begged him to stay and had many conversations and it all turned into the many things I’d done wrong - which I think were him rewriting our marriage to make him look like the good guy. After he left I had him coming round in tears, saying sorry and it was hard but I just had to learn to ignore that and put myself and dc first. It serves no purpose and just potentially makes you think you could get back together and it’s just cruel to leave someone and then potentially offer them the hope that the relationship may be resurrected.

i understand the overwhelming need to understand what you did wrong, but I would try to not dwell on that because those thoughts can become obsessive and stop you healing. After exh moved out I was able to remember things that had happened in the relationship and see fault on both sides, I think quite objectively. I don’t believe he ever went through that period of reflection and I think the ‘dumped’ person always goes through a period of self reflection that can be beneficial yet the person who left doesn’t which can be difficult for their next relationships.

it turns out I have two children on the spectrum and both have anxiety and are having psychotherapy. So I have some knowledge of anxiety. I think when you’re anxious your will have a stronger fight , flight or freeze mechanism and his body has chosen flight. Even if he ‘gets better’ from this particular spate of anxiety he would really need to work on understanding himself and his triggers before he would make a good husband. If he came back to you, you would constantly be on eggshells your needs becoming subservient to his while you desperately try to make him better to stop him leaving. Unfortunately he can only work on this himself.

You can’t live like that. For your own mental health my advice would be to start seeing lawyers and get your ducks in a row. It may seem like a horrible situation now but I promise that if you do separate / divorce you will get out of it and will be able to focus on your needs. Obviously it’s too soon to think about new partners but my new (well it’s been four years so not that new!) partner also suffers anxiety. But he opens up and shows a vulnerable side. I feel we are much more honest with each other than I was with exh. Also my needs are better met.

you will get through this.

sending hugs.

You husband seems to have had anxiety for years. You know he was under a lot of stress at work and you have been trying hard to help him. Then 3 weeks ago he said he was unhappy in your marriage and moved into his sister's house.

He refuses to meet you or chat to you face to face. It seems he won't go counselling or the doctor either. Meanwhile he keeps sending you messages saying he is sorry and telling you what he is doing.

I would tell him that you don't want anymore messages from him and block him. I would ring his sister as well and let her know he keeps sending you messages about what he is doing and saying he is sorry.
I would ask her as well has he gone to his doctor for help with his mental health and has he signed off work yet to deal with this?
I would tell her that nothing is going to change for him until he does this and after what he has done to you he can't keep messaging you or expect you to put your life on hold when he refuses to help himself.

At this stage I would get all your financial information together including pensions and speak to a solicitor about a divorce. You need to find out where you stand if you were to divorce.
You have to decide if your marriage is worth saving or are you staying with him because you don't want to be single. My feeling is that your a people pleaser and you have put up with his anxiety, work stress ect for years and tried to make things better with a man who won't help himself. He is working in that job for years and I wonder why he has not realised that he could leave it. He should be looking for another job if where he is working is that toxic.

It's not an easy position that your in at the moment but it's important that you look after yourself now. Find out about a divorce. Then decide what you want to do.
Unless you're husband is willing to get medical help and go to counselling with you I would be getting a divorce. You can't help someone unless they realise that they have to make changes and are willing to work with you to improve things.

Firstly OP, I am sorry you are being put through this. The limbo, shock, confusion and uncertainty must be incredibly difficult.
I think the main difficulty here is knowing how much of it is him being unkind and thoughtless deliberately, and how much of it is him genuinely absolutely caving with him mental health. But, either way, the net result on you is the same and how you are left feeling is the same.

But having had a similar-ish experience, I do wonder whether this is just him absolutely not coping and the walls closing in to the extent that he can't see the wood for the trees. It is like a survival mode where your brain shuts down and narrows your view so you can literally nothing outside surviving that minute, or that hour, or that day. The people around you who you care about become a burden, a distraction, another thing to cope with that you just don't have the capacity to deal with. It is similar to how suicidal people genuinely believe that those around them would be better off without them, in that moment your brain and your world becomes so small that anything outside your tiny bubble is just too overwhelming to deal with. It is like just basic functioning requires such effort and focus that there is no mental space for anything else. Unfortunately, the people we love the most are often the ones we push away as they make the guilt worse. You know they deserve better but you have nothing left to offer them.

I am not trying to condone his behaviour as the impact on you is horrible, nor am I saying this is definitely the case in his situation, just offering a different viewpoint/possibility.

Either way, I hope he gets whatever support/help he needs for his mental health and you can have a proper conversation about it. If the relationship is going to end, at least you would know that it was a rational decision that reflected what he really wanted rather than just because his mental health has crashed into a wall and he is pressing self destruct.

Sending you lots of strength and 💐

I think this man can be having a honest mental health breakdown and as someone said - this can lead to people just nuking everything in their life. This can come with confusion and genuinely feeling bad for hurt they have caused, but unless he goes to a therapy and starts talking details - there is nothing you can do to help him and its not your job to absolve him of guilt he may be feeling

Get your hair done and get out and about feeling good for yourself and let him see you doing well . Resist the urge to tell him how sad you are and see how it goes when he thinks your doing fine and having fun with friends maybe go out for a nice meal looking good xx

If he's ill, I'd thank him for his message, tell him you are also thinking of him. If your phone allows, block messages so that you can view under blocked messages when you are feeling strong.

Doesn't blocking messages mean you never get to see them at all, ever?

Not on my Samsung - I can see under settings within the messages app.

Sorry isn’t good enough tbh, he may say it but does he really mean it. I wouldn’t even respond, he wants to be left alone but then he keeps messaging you to say sorry..yeah keeping you on the back burner. Don’t answer, don’t respond, see how he likes it…whether he’s having a hard time or not doesn’t mean he get to treat you like shit. If you must respond tell him you need space too and not to contact you. Hard but your wounds need to close and each time he contacts you he’s reopening them. Look after yourself.

This all sounds incredibly difficult and the usual unhelpful MN ‘cherchez la femme’ responses (by the way, saying it in French doesn’t make anyone sound clever, it just makes you sound like a smug twat) aren’t supportive.

I see a few others have posted something similar but I had a sudden onset of severe anxiety and depression which made me nearly bin my whole marriage off. Fortunately, my husband eventually recognised what was going on and we were able to sort it but I did need some time alone first and that helped me get my head straighter.

I agree with others that you need to try and take a step back if only for your own peace of mind. Best of luck.

What strikes me about Anxiety is the way that those around the person suffering from it so often end up being in the wrong, making huge practical and emotional accommodations with little acknowledgement of how difficult this can be, feeling guilty, or simply being set up to fail.

OP, he has decided he needs ‘space’, he now needs to take responsibility for that. Anxiety or not. But his ‘apologies’ are in effect asking you permission to allow him to leave you, and passing that responsibility to you.

I would reply “please stop apologising. You have decided that space from our marriage is what you need . It is not for me to give you permission or accept apologies for any decision you make. Make no
mistake: I love you and if our marriage is coming to an end I am heartbroken. But that is for me to fix for myself. If you say you need space, take it and fix that for yourself. However If you want to try and fix things together and save our marriage, I am here”