Please help me with this apology

[IAmBreathing]

I’ll try to keep this to the point.

Three weeks ago DH told me he was unhappy in our marriage. This came out of the blue for me and I was blindsided.

He is an anxious person, was facing a particularly anxiety provoking work related event, and seemed to have decided part of his anxiety was related to realising how unhappy he was in our marriage. He felt he needed to end it to relive the anxiety it had been creating.

It was all so sudden and I hoped we might be able to work on it together. I was also mindful that his anxiety might be colouring his view of the situation and I hoped that after he work event he might feel a title differently. A few days later after talking with family he decided he needed space and time and moved out.

It has been a confusing and painful time. I can’t separate genuine marriage difficulties from his anxiety but he seemed very clear and determined. I’ve tried to reason with him and suggested maybe he talks with a therapist but he is not listening and I am talking to a closed door.

I think he is hoping that after he’s managed to reduce his overwhelm he might be better placed to talk about what has happened- not necessarily to fix things but just to think more clearly.

I am devastated. I genuinely had no idea he was unhappy or that what I thought were usual niggles were bothering him so much. We hadn’t had a single conversation about this before and I had no idea it was brewing (I thought all his stress was work related). This is out of character, he is usually a kind, decent good man.

I can’t reconcile any of this but am trying to accept that ultimately he does have a right to fall out of love with me, and although he should have bought this up before and I thought I’d married someone who would work on the inevitable downs rather than hiding or running I can’t change this now.

He has messaged me periodically. Mainly to tell me he’s ok, what he’s been upto, that I’m in his thoughts, he’s sorry, he didn’t want to hurt anyone and this is so hard.

Part of me wants to ignore the messages but I cant. I want to be true to my feelings which are that I love him and want him to get better. I can’t help hoping that might involve us fixing our marriage, but I know that will be a long and difficult road.

It might sound stupid but of all the things going on it’s these messages saying “I’m sorry” that are flooring me. I don’t know how to respond. I guess I know he’s sorry, I believe he didn’t mean to hurt me but at the same time I’m so hurt, confused and a bit angry. I’m also trying to hold onto what self respect and strength that I have left and need him to know how hurtful this has been, and to not create the impression that I’m a pushover or a doormat.

Please can anyone help me with how to respond or to understand why this type of message is bothering me so much?

I think that we all believe that when someone apologises, it means they didn't mean to do whatever it was, or regret something, but your dh isn't regretting his decision and he meant to leave the marriage. It's almost like a a contradiction in terms.

What struck me about your post is that it's all about him, this whole situation is about how he feels, what he's going through, what emotions he has. You need to turn this around and start to concentrate on you. Only he can sort his issues out, but how you react to these needs to be in your best interests. Please don't flog yourself to death to make him feel better. To make anything work takes compromise on both sides.

As for how to respond, I just wouldn't, he wanted time and space so give it to him.

If you feel the need to respond I'd send something along the lines of

'Thanks for your texts, I think we should only communicate when you are ready to really talk about our relationship. You said you needed time and space and this is what I will give you. Take careX'

He's walked away to give himself the space he says he needs, but he isn't affording you the same. It's his choice not to talk about your marriage together, but then he shouldn't be hooking you in with his woe is me messages. He wants space, give it to him.

The apology is not changing anything or helping you deal with the situation. All it does is make him feel less guilty for the trouble he has caused. Maybe explain to him that you no longer want to hear his apologies as they are not helping the situation.

Hi Op,

I know you're scared and wanting to make sense of what's happening and how to respond to what on the face of it is the opposite of how you'd wish to deal with this issue. I wish I could give you a hug and reassure you in person.

I've been on both sides of this situation, and hand on heart its exhausting as you feel you have so little control and hope to work with.

By the sounds of what you've described, he's having a nervous breakdown, overwhelmed to the point that he doesn't trust himself. I'd suggest insisting he see his GP first to control his anxiety through meds, then start therapy, as there is probably a lot to unpick.

What he's saying or doing whilst he's in this current state should not colour your responses as hard as it is. Don't let the rejection take over, take from this that he's poorly and unable to make any sensible decisions beyond wanting to feel safe.

I know how hard it is to comprehend not being physically close to help support him, but you still have/able to provide that stability/foundation of love through messages till he feels that he's ready to resume a proper conversation. Keep talking to his sister, make sure you have other loved ones around you that can focus on your wellbeing.

On how this might pan out, none of us are truly able to comment, I don't want to comment or encourage a fall positive or admonish the cynicism as that doesn't help.

Focus on the immediate fire, which is his mental health, then once that's in a good place, the relationship can be tackled. Remember and remind him that no decision re the relationship is to be made based on what could be a temporary feelings.

Xx

Why can't posters just say 'look for the woman' if that's what they mean? Saying it in French doesn't give you some veneer of mystique. It just makes you look a bit dim like you can't possibly think of any other explanation for this or offer any support.

OP: the 'sorry' hurts because he's not saying 'I made a mistake, please let me come back'. 'Sorry' hurts because it acknowledges what he's done without any semblance of regret for having done it, just regret for the impact on you.

I would at this point just ask him to get in touch via e-mail if he has any pressing practical issues, filter his e-mail into a folder you can check as you wish and then block his number/social media. Having the avenue open for him to easily message you will interfere with your healing as you'll be constantly hoping to hear from him, anxious about what it might say, upset if he hasn't got in touch. You need to take back some control here, he's said it's over so believe him, there is no need for emotional back and forths now as exes.

I would definitely focus as best you can on YOUR life for the time being. Lean on friends, let people be there for you. Try and get sleep, try eat and get lots of water, make sure you do things that you usually enjoy, maybe try something new or go for walks outside in nature. Don't torture yourself reading old messages or reviewing old photos, those days have passed and the person he is now is not the person he was back then.

If he desperately wants to get in touch with you and beg for forgiveness and ask if you can work it out he knows where to find you and will move heaven and earth to get to you. So do yourself a favour and create the optimal conditions for healing.

Yes, there might be an affair happening, but right now you don't know and if there is it doesn't make any difference anyway (unless there are kids involved), he has chosen to no longer be in the marriage and regardless of whether he's been cheating or not that fact remains the same.

You might never get answers that you want. Sometimes the only 'answer' is the one that's right in front of you face: he doesn't want to be in the marriage anymore. His reasons are his to know, he's informed you, now you can take control of your own life. I would act as if it's officially over and start proceedings. Stop trying to worry about him and what he's going through and start instead making sure that YOU are okay. And stop contact with his family, you don't need to be fed info about how he's doing like he's a little wounded bird you picked up off the pavement. He's a grown man clearly quite capable of making big life decisions for himself and has his family there for him, he's fine. Let's make sure you're fine.

Op shouldn't keep talking to this man's sister.

They have asked me to try to let him get to a place where he can think more clearly.

They've asked OP to back off, essentially.

Why can't posters just say 'look for the woman' if that's what they mean? Saying it in French doesn't give you some veneer of mystique.

It's just a succinct well known saying. Like 'Follow the money'. Some people say 'Plus ca change' or 'que sera sera' without attempting mystique.

Also, though I agree there are many reasons for behaviours, many MNers DO have experience of exactly this man's pattern of behaviour being due to an OW.