What did I do wrong? Getting silent treatment

[Muddleground]

My DH is not talking to me.
I have 2 children and he has 1. All with us this wknd.
He told me this weekend was all about me and my children and I wasn't very inclusive. I've asked what I could've done differently for future reference, but am receiving the silent treatment.

Friday, picked my 2 up from school as normal, took 1 for a hair cut, i did ask his son if he wanted haircut too, dropped the youngest at grandparents while i went food shopping as they live near supermarket, went to pet shop for dog food, then the 3 of us arrived home at about 6.45, much later than normal. We take weekly turns to go food shopping but he said he was busy with work so I offered to go to save him some time.

Saturday morning took 1 of mine for a medical appointment, his went to football.
I suggested when we are all home by lunchtime we have a day out, which we did, the 5 of us, had dinner out too, all seemed to have a lovely time. Good quality family time I thought.

Sunday, I was due to take his son to football as I do most weeks, however my son wanted to go out with friends which meant he needed dropping off. The times clashed a bit so I suggested his mum takes him and I meet them there. His mum always comes anyway, and lives very close by.
DH said he wanted to log onto laptop and do some work sunday morning, so I said I'd see if grandparents wanted to spend some time with my youngest, 10, again while we're out and hes working. They are close and haven't seen much recently.

Seems like a balanced weekend to me. I'm clearly missing something but don't know what.

What am I missing? What have I done to deserve this? What wasn't inclusive?

This all shows signs of emotional abuse. Please do a bit of research into this, look at a few websites, and see if it fits your relationship.

Silent treatment, you trying to make him happy but failing, him making you doubt yourself.

Look up gaslighting, projection, manipulation.

My life is so much happier ñow I've got rid of the man who treated me like this.

Absolutely everything everyone has said came true though. The breakdown of the relationship was all my fault. Every dispute ever after about the kids, my doing. But 99.5% of the time I am free and have learned to trust my own interpretation of events again.

Sorry, OP. It's horrible.

You did absolutely nothing wrong, op. Sounds like a normal family weekend.

But this is a red flag: I am often "in the wrong" for something. Genuinely seems like I can't make him happy. Always upset at me for something. I often feel like I've done nothing wrong, like in this instance, but he's making me doubt myself about what's right and what's wrong.

A loving partner shouldn't make you feel like that. If your h's 'conflict style' is to sulk, how do sulks or arguments usually get resolved? Do you apologise to keep the peace ?

Your h should be able to tell you using his words what's wrong and how he feels. Is he an adult or a 4yo?!

Don't feel bad. HE should feel bad: for acting like an arse, for emotional abuse (sulking and the silent target are abusive) and for being emotionally stunted.

How are things now?

A loving partner shouldn't make you feel like that

A loving partner 'doesn't' make you feel like that, in fact. This situation doesn't arise in loving respectful relationships. There's no 'should' or 'shouldn't'.

This was my first thought. By 'not being inclusive of his child' does he actually mean 'not prioritising his child over yours at all times'? I have known a man like that previously sadly.

Regardless, he sounds like a total bellend. You and your kids deserve better (so does his son tbh but there's not much you can do about that)

Why couldn’t he do the Sunday morning football run instead of playing games working on his laptop?

Your weekend arrangements sound fine to me, everyone doing their own thing and being accommodated but time for family stuff too. The one fly in the ointment is Mr Sulky over there in the corner who doesn’t seem to make much effort to facilitate other peoples plans if they don’t suit him.

You are in an abusive controlling relationship with an arsehole.

Why have you inflicted him on your poor children?

You don't have children with him.

Why are you putting up with this?

Your poor children deserve better.

Separate from him.

Sell the house and get your children away from this abusive arsehole you have brought into their lives.

Your children deserve better.

So over the whole weekend the only time that he was involved with the kids was Saturday afternoon when you organised a family day? The rest of the time he was free to do his own thing, facilitated of course by you, his ex, and your parents. I'd guess he's aware that he hasn't contributed anything to the family this weekend, and perhaps has been criticised for this-by his child, or his ex maybe? And rather than him feeling bad about being a rubbish parent, he'd rather you feel bad. Problem solved, now he can go about his day without having to do better.

You can seek support from Women's Aid or equivalent. So many pps have already explained how his behavior is abusive. Best to leave these situations sooner rather than later as the psychological and emotional abuse does start to take a toll and it gets harder to leave, and the abuse usually increases over time. Best of luck to you.

He sounds awful and selfish

We spoke about it last night. Apparently he had nothing nice to say so decided that it was best to say nothing, ie silent

And this was because he didn't like how direct i was when informing him what I was doing. As in, on Friday, I'm going to be late home because I'm taking child a for a haircut, going shopping, and going to pet shop for dog food. On Saturday he said he the day out wasn't his cup of tea so I said that's fine, you don't have to come. I now know he didn't like that. And Sunday, he didn't like that I just informed him what was happening.

After a long discussion, I do feel like I want to leave, but he has convinced me I'm the problem. It is all my fault

So he blames you for “everything” but doesn’t offer any solutions?What he’s not happy with? You don’t need anybody’s permission to go somewhere.
It’s a simple courtesy to inform our kids/partner when we’re leaving the house.

Looks like you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Some people are impossible to please so no point in trying.

You’re very accommodating and courteous to his DC unlike him.
Spent his weekend on his arse watching you run ragged and had audacity to complain.

If you want to leave,leave. You don’t need his permission. As for the blame, who cares whose fault it is if you’re going to part your ways (and it’s not yours).
If you’re the problem as he claims then why he still wants to be with you? Oh, I forgot, you’re convenient to do all the household running?

Why is it a problem that you’re direct and what exactly is your fault?

Even if everything was all your fault (it really isn't), you can still leave him. You do not need his permission to end the relationship.

How are your finances? Could you afford to move elsewhere if he refuses to or to buy him out of the property you jointly own?

He's a bully and a twat. Don't doubt yourself, you've done nothing wrong.

So it sounds like he's largely opted out of family life and abdicated responsibility to you, BUT still wants you to ask his permission to do anything/prioritise him (eg the family day on Sat).

Yeah, nah.

What a selfish knobhead. He probably actually believes all his own gobshite.

You are looking after 4 children really aren't you.

Please don't let his pathetic behaviour and ridiculous justifications keep controlling you and your life.
Time for change..

I presume you are house skivvy and au pair to HIS child?

I feel so sorry for your children.

Who cares what he thinks.

Do you seriously expect him to admit to being an abusive arsehole?

Why is he so much more important than your children?

End the relationship.

TELL him it is over and put your children FIRST.

But you know this isn't your fault. It's all him. Dig deep. Leave the horrible man as it'll only get worse.

Reach out to your Ex.

Would he support you by holding onto the children so that you can move out?

Get the house valued.

Make it clear to all that you are leaving an abusive environment for your children.

Oh and his silence is his utter contempt for you.

Does he ever organise days out or are you expected to organise them and then he sulks like a three year old if its not what he wants?

When he told you he wanted to work was he direct? Is it just women who are supposed to pussy foot around?

He's basically telling you your communication skills aren't good whilst being utterly unable to communicate nicely with you. He's an idiot

@Muddleground

After a long discussion, I do feel like I want to leave, but he has convinced me I'm the problem. It is all my fault

You are NOT the problem - your husband is. You are not at fault at all - he has put you in the fault to mask his own lack of emotional intelligence or support for you. Please re-read your original post from the viewpoint of your sister (if you have one) or a best friend. Would you think they are to blame for this situation? What would you tell them?

Give yourself some options and find out how you can achieve financial stability if/when you separate from/divorce him. Contact Women's Aid to get their advice plus check on www.entitledto.co.uk to see what benefits you'd be eligible for if you decided to go your own way.

You are doing most of the heavy lifting in this relationship- don't allow Mr Sulky to sell you short. 🌹

Apparently he had nothing nice to say so decided that it was best to say nothing

Well, if that's his attitude, why has he said lots of unpleasant, blamey things to you in the past? And subsequently?

Well isn't he a treasure!!!😡

Make your plans and move on from him. He's not nice, he's not supportive, he's not a team player and he's not worth your time and effort.