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Original poster

What did I do wrong? Getting silent treatment

112 replies

Muddleground · 23/04/2023 23:09

My DH is not talking to me.
I have 2 children and he has 1. All with us this wknd.
He told me this weekend was all about me and my children and I wasn't very inclusive. I've asked what I could've done differently for future reference, but am receiving the silent treatment.

Friday, picked my 2 up from school as normal, took 1 for a hair cut, i did ask his son if he wanted haircut too, dropped the youngest at grandparents while i went food shopping as they live near supermarket, went to pet shop for dog food, then the 3 of us arrived home at about 6.45, much later than normal. We take weekly turns to go food shopping but he said he was busy with work so I offered to go to save him some time.

Saturday morning took 1 of mine for a medical appointment, his went to football.
I suggested when we are all home by lunchtime we have a day out, which we did, the 5 of us, had dinner out too, all seemed to have a lovely time. Good quality family time I thought.

Sunday, I was due to take his son to football as I do most weeks, however my son wanted to go out with friends which meant he needed dropping off. The times clashed a bit so I suggested his mum takes him and I meet them there. His mum always comes anyway, and lives very close by.
DH said he wanted to log onto laptop and do some work sunday morning, so I said I'd see if grandparents wanted to spend some time with my youngest, 10, again while we're out and hes working. They are close and haven't seen much recently.

Seems like a balanced weekend to me. I'm clearly missing something but don't know what.

What am I missing? What have I done to deserve this? What wasn't inclusive?

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 24/04/2023 03:32

Ask his ex, they probably split because he did not get as much attention once DC arrived whilst leaving the rearing to her to do.

suburbophobe · 24/04/2023 03:36

He chooses not to be involved

While you do all the grunt work, domestics, your kids, his kid......

Fuck that. What are you getting out of this relationship?

SunflowerTed · 24/04/2023 03:41

He sounds like a toddler

suburbophobe · 24/04/2023 03:47

We take weekly turns to go food shopping but he said he was busy with work so I offered to go to save him some time.

DH said he wanted to log onto laptop and do some work sunday morning

Sounds to me like he's checked out.

Sorry OP.

You running around ragged, looking after kids and the dog, yourself! And hauling the grandparents in to take on the load.

Personally, I'd be right pissed off. What made you choose this lifestyle? I'd be getting the ick if he won't pull his weight.

Billybagpuss · 24/04/2023 06:11

What did he do to make the weekend enjoyable and share the grunt work. ?

GoodChat · 24/04/2023 06:28

You dared to take your own child to see his friends and didn't prioritise his, even though you made alternative arrangements and you spent time with his child on his contact time because his works clearly more important...

EllandRd · 24/04/2023 06:32

Muddleground · 23/04/2023 23:09

My DH is not talking to me.
I have 2 children and he has 1. All with us this wknd.
He told me this weekend was all about me and my children and I wasn't very inclusive. I've asked what I could've done differently for future reference, but am receiving the silent treatment.

Friday, picked my 2 up from school as normal, took 1 for a hair cut, i did ask his son if he wanted haircut too, dropped the youngest at grandparents while i went food shopping as they live near supermarket, went to pet shop for dog food, then the 3 of us arrived home at about 6.45, much later than normal. We take weekly turns to go food shopping but he said he was busy with work so I offered to go to save him some time.

Saturday morning took 1 of mine for a medical appointment, his went to football.
I suggested when we are all home by lunchtime we have a day out, which we did, the 5 of us, had dinner out too, all seemed to have a lovely time. Good quality family time I thought.

Sunday, I was due to take his son to football as I do most weeks, however my son wanted to go out with friends which meant he needed dropping off. The times clashed a bit so I suggested his mum takes him and I meet them there. His mum always comes anyway, and lives very close by.
DH said he wanted to log onto laptop and do some work sunday morning, so I said I'd see if grandparents wanted to spend some time with my youngest, 10, again while we're out and hes working. They are close and haven't seen much recently.

Seems like a balanced weekend to me. I'm clearly missing something but don't know what.

What am I missing? What have I done to deserve this? What wasn't inclusive?

So you ran round all weekend with all the kids whilst he did what? Did he do anything with his son?

Fuerza · 24/04/2023 06:34

Nothing worse than the silent treatment. If he had reasonable excuse for being annoyed he would say what it is. You get the silent treatment fome people who know they have no reason that sounds reasonable (!) to be annoyed with you.

euff · 24/04/2023 06:48

Don't feel bad and either completely ignore him until he grows up or challenge him on it. He probably can't talk to you about it as he doesn't have any reasonable reason for feeling the way he does. You did all the organising and running around and trying to make things work for three kids whilst he did what? After all that no thanks I'd appreciation but you got told you didn't organise it well enough.

Velvian · 24/04/2023 06:51

Why didn't your DH take his son to football or drop your son off?

Weallgottachangesometime · 24/04/2023 06:57

What did he actually do with his child? I can’t see that in your weekend?!

sounds like you acted perfectly reasonable to manage your weekend. Prioritised things that needed doing for your children and allowed his child to be included if he wanted. If he is going to want his child’s wants prioritised then he is going to have to do that….ya know because it’s his child.

silent treatment is pathetic

is this in your house too?

Twitch45 · 24/04/2023 07:01

How old are the DC? The only thing I can imagine sparking this is if the day out on Saturday was geared exclusively towards your DC rather than his (e.g. a soft play type place that his 15 yr old had no interest in). Even so that wouldn't warrant a massive sulk and the silent treatment!

I agree that he's cross because you didn't take his DC to football. But then again, neither did he.

Are your DC with you full time? Is his?

Tangelablue · 24/04/2023 07:03

You spent more one to one time with his child then he did. When you couldn't take him to football, you made arrangements so he could still attend and his dad wasn't put out. I think he's projecting. He knows it should be his time with his child but his ex still has to make sure he child gets to his activities.
Don't try to talk to him, don't try to make things right just leave him to it. He will have to talk at some point, if he doesn't then it will most likely be the end of the relationship.

aParsnipByAnyOtherName · 24/04/2023 07:03

yep he expected you to run around after his child on his contact weekend, then you made arrangements with his Ex to look after his child on his weekend.

the ex probably asked why his wasn't looking after his own child, and watching his own child at football. he's been caught out and called out. So of course it's your fault because he couldn't possibly be in the wrong...........

ShandaLear · 24/04/2023 07:05

He did fuck all the whole weekend, let you pick up all the mental load and do all the work, and now he feels shit and useless and is taking it out on you.

aberlot · 24/04/2023 07:12

What have I done to deserve this?

Nothing. His failings are not your fault.

arethereanyleftatall · 24/04/2023 07:35

The only thing you did wrong was married an arsehole. I don't imagine he has the capacity to ever think he's not right.

Ellie1015 · 24/04/2023 07:36

You did his turn for shopping. Offered his kid a haircut. Organised cover for football.

If he won't tell you then I would guess the problem is he had to parent his own child Fri evening, Sat morning and you not taking him to football meant his ex doing might have meant he feels he owes her a favour/some flexibility.

He sounds entitiled and lazy.

HowManySunflowers · 24/04/2023 07:38

I have often noticed that the more you do, the more is expected of you. I think that may be the problem here. You sound like a brilliant mum and step mum, you spent the whole weekend running around making sure everyone else was happy - I expect you do this other weekends too, so he's stopped appreciating your efforts and started taking it for granted. He's convinced himself that this wasn't quite the perfect weekend for some reason so it must be your fault.

Step back a bit OP. Stop taking his son to football, covering for him when he's working, and suggesting nice things for all of you to do. Let him step up.

MrsRickAstley · 24/04/2023 07:43

Presumably he comes with you when you take HIS son to football? Ideal opp for family time.

If not, why? Don't continue to take him. Unless obvs it's a reciprocal arrangement and he takes your kids to stuff.

What's he like otherwise ?

Dibbydoos · 24/04/2023 07:43

He may nit be sulking though. I go very quiet when I'm angry/upset about something and it's just so I can have a more reasonable conversation when I get my emotions in check. I explained tgat to my DH and he left me to rationalise it sved a lit of hugh emotion bust ups!
Seriously, sulking as you call it, isn't necessarily a bad thing. Don't you want until you calm down before talking about something you're upset about?

But to come back to your post, OP, all I can see is you sorting your kids out and arranging for his child to be sorted. He didn't seem to do anything to help...

WheelsUp · 24/04/2023 07:48

I agree with the others that it's about the football or he's put out that he got no attention (ie sex)

You sound fantastic and very well balanced. He is not pulling his weight family wise and I would bet that this is why things didn't work with his ex.

Watchkeys · 24/04/2023 07:57

If he won't tell you, you won't know, and that's on him, not you. He's an adult. If something is bothering him, it's his responsibility to sort it out for himself, even if it involves having to have a conversation with someone and telling them what he needs/what needs to change.

Even if you'd done something really bad, his conflict management skills are the problem here. I'm sure if he said to you 'When you did xyz, it really upset me', you'd be really sorry, and you'd want to help him feel better, so your conflict resolution skills are fine.

What you did wrong is to marry a sulker.

What you're doing wrong now is to hunt about for ways to blame yourself for his poor behaviour. Tell him you're just going to be getting on with life until he decides he wants to talk about it, and stick to that. If you let it bother you, it's positive reinforcement for him, and on the strength of the fact that he wants you to feel uncomfortable, I'd be reconsidering the relationship.

ImSweetEnoughDarlin · 24/04/2023 08:03

Why do you take his son to football every Sunday? Why doesn't he?

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 24/04/2023 08:05

BigPussyEnergy · 23/04/2023 23:16

Doesn’t matter what you did or didn’t do with whom. Nobody deserves the silent treatment. He needs to grow the fuck up and talk to you if he has a problem.

This in spades