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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What did I do wrong? Getting silent treatment

112 replies

Muddleground · 23/04/2023 23:09

My DH is not talking to me.
I have 2 children and he has 1. All with us this wknd.
He told me this weekend was all about me and my children and I wasn't very inclusive. I've asked what I could've done differently for future reference, but am receiving the silent treatment.

Friday, picked my 2 up from school as normal, took 1 for a hair cut, i did ask his son if he wanted haircut too, dropped the youngest at grandparents while i went food shopping as they live near supermarket, went to pet shop for dog food, then the 3 of us arrived home at about 6.45, much later than normal. We take weekly turns to go food shopping but he said he was busy with work so I offered to go to save him some time.

Saturday morning took 1 of mine for a medical appointment, his went to football.
I suggested when we are all home by lunchtime we have a day out, which we did, the 5 of us, had dinner out too, all seemed to have a lovely time. Good quality family time I thought.

Sunday, I was due to take his son to football as I do most weeks, however my son wanted to go out with friends which meant he needed dropping off. The times clashed a bit so I suggested his mum takes him and I meet them there. His mum always comes anyway, and lives very close by.
DH said he wanted to log onto laptop and do some work sunday morning, so I said I'd see if grandparents wanted to spend some time with my youngest, 10, again while we're out and hes working. They are close and haven't seen much recently.

Seems like a balanced weekend to me. I'm clearly missing something but don't know what.

What am I missing? What have I done to deserve this? What wasn't inclusive?

OP posts:
ninjafoodienovice · 24/04/2023 08:06

Sounds like you spent the weekend running around doing stuff with and for the all the kids and he just joined in on Saturday afternoon.

Don't try to second guess yourself here.
If he has an issue then he needs to raise it.
Silent treatment is incredibly immature and toxic. Don't put up with it.

Greenfairydust · 24/04/2023 08:19

The silent treatment is a form of abuse and manipulation.

He is a grown adult and if he had any issues the grown-up thing to do is to talk to you about them so they can be resolved. Although in this case it doesn't even sound like you did anything ''wrong'' to start with.

I would seriously reconsider the relationship as his behaviour is unacceptable.

I had a ''friend'' give me the silent treatment recently because she felt offended I could not run an errand for her apparently (I had Covid...). The friendship to me is now over and I called her bluff that refusing to engage in her tantrum. People who resort to sulking like this are usually self-centred and immature. Life is too short for wasting your time on them...

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 24/04/2023 08:31

It's one thing to say I'm in a bad mood, I don't know/can't articulate why, I didn't enjoy the weekend, please give me a bit of space. Stonewalling is something else.

theWarOnPeace · 24/04/2023 08:32

Silent treatment is abusive. He sounds like the usual lazy pig that checks out of doing any of the legwork that means family life, and is pissed off when you’re too busy doing it.

I had this. It’s intolerable and a sign of a deep rooted attitude problem on his part. You have to do everything, then give them attention too. If you don’t, then you get stonewalled and they blame the stonewalling on you not giving them enough attention and blame the non-involvement in family life on you just to add insult to injury. This is bullshit, op. You’ve done loads all weekend including for his child, which is lovely, but this is manipulative and nasty of your husband.

TetraSaurus · 24/04/2023 08:39

Is there any chance it's sex related? The reason he has given is so stupid.

Abacusporttaco · 24/04/2023 08:44

Well, he sounds vile to live with. What an emotionally abusive twat.

arethereanyleftatall · 24/04/2023 09:16

theWarOnPeace · 24/04/2023 08:32

Silent treatment is abusive. He sounds like the usual lazy pig that checks out of doing any of the legwork that means family life, and is pissed off when you’re too busy doing it.

I had this. It’s intolerable and a sign of a deep rooted attitude problem on his part. You have to do everything, then give them attention too. If you don’t, then you get stonewalled and they blame the stonewalling on you not giving them enough attention and blame the non-involvement in family life on you just to add insult to injury. This is bullshit, op. You’ve done loads all weekend including for his child, which is lovely, but this is manipulative and nasty of your husband.

Yup. Then the affair happens, also the wife's fault. Then one of the affairs gets found out. Then divorce happens, also wife's fault. Never ever any self reflection. Projection maybe, but it happens time and time again.

AmandaHoldensLips · 24/04/2023 09:23

You realise that "silent treatment" is abusive, right?

If he's going to behave like a sulking man-baby then you've got a serious DH problem on your hands.

Time for him to step up and parent his child on his own for a couple of weekend while you do your own thing.

Daftapath · 24/04/2023 09:26

Is this a one off op? What is he like generally? Does he pull his weight with chores and your dcs as well as his own? Or does he feel that these are all your responsibility? Is he usually a good communicator?

gamerchick · 24/04/2023 09:56

Why tf are you dissecting the weekend?

What he means is, you didn't do it all so he could sit on his arse.

Tell him to fuck off somewhere else until he's over himself.

Paperbagsaremine · 24/04/2023 10:12

Ask the lad's Mum for her view on why they split up, is my immediate thought...

Sounds like he feels guilty about not spending any time with his kid but is too immature - or too pressured, or both - to sit himself down and work out how things could be better. Could be he now sees you, unconsciously, as all powerful "Mum" and therefore if things don't go right IT'S YOUR FAULT.

More pragmatically, online shopping from a wide variety of supermarkets exists, if he's busy he should sort a delivery instead.

Takeaway "I know you're busy with work, but working out how your son can spend time with you and you can get your work done is not my place. And if you're unhappy about the situation, it's unfair and upsetting to take it out on me - don't do it again."

unsync · 24/04/2023 11:10

Another sulky manchild. 🙄 My ex did this, it gave me the ick. Any attraction you have just withers away. 🤢

Deathraystare · 24/04/2023 11:14

Bloody hell. He is hard work! You mention a few times when you asked him if he wanted to do stuff but he wanted to do something else. You married a toddler! Personally I would ignore him. What use if he???

Isheabastard · 24/04/2023 11:28

Unless there’s a lot of other things going on and you do feel this is a one off?

Perhaps go to him and say you’ve thought really hard about the weekend, and can’t see what you did wrong. So unless he tells you, you can’t ‘correct’ it and whatever it was, it will most probably happen again.

If he does tell you, it’s up to you wether you agree and what you do with it.

Im only suggesting this because in your situation I would need to know what he was getting his knickers in a twist about.

I suppose there’s a slight chance he has a good reason for feeling hurt (but giving the silent treatment is wrong), but he’s being an arse not telling you and should be communicating like an adult.

Maybe this is a good opportunity to properly work through his problem together.

Just a caveat, I listened to a podcast about the Silent Treatment. It said there were two types. One is used to punish the other partner. The other is used when the person is so overwhelmed by negative feelings they just have to remove themselves while they deal with their feelings, and get control of themselves.

Im not saying this second type is your husband, just that I believe the silent treatment isn’t always about punishing someone else.

Original poster
Muddleground · 24/04/2023 14:18

DC are 10, 13, and 14.

We own the house together.

He does help out with chores at home, inc cooking and cleaning.

I take his son as originally my son played for the team so I always took him, his son joined so I took them both, my son has since left.

All children are more or less 50/50 with other parents

I am often "in the wrong" for something. Genuinely seems like I can't make him happy. Always upset at me for something. I often feel like I've done nothing wrong, like in this instance, but he's making me doubt myself about what's right and what's wrong.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 24/04/2023 14:34

Do you doubt yourself over what's right or wrong with other people, or just with him?

Botw1 · 24/04/2023 14:34

But why is he making you doubt yourself?

Why is his opinion and his version of events more important than yours?

Reading your posts he sounds lazy and manipulative

euff · 24/04/2023 14:50

@Muddleground I know I'm going off thread here but I keep seeing posts where this is an issue later so forgive me if already sorted. As you guys have children from previous relationships do you own the property jointly or as tenants in common?

rainbowstardrops · 24/04/2023 15:29

I'd tell him to grow the fuck up personally.

gamerchick · 24/04/2023 17:35

am often "in the wrong" for something. Genuinely seems like I can't make him happy. Always upset at me for something

Tell him this and ask them since you're unable to make him happy, then maybe you both should see what splitting up looks like.

Life is too short for this crap.

AntoniaMacaronia · 24/04/2023 18:12

I am often "in the wrong" for something. Genuinely seems like I can't make him happy. Always upset at me for something. I often feel like I've done nothing wrong, like in this instance, but he's making me doubt myself about what's right and what's wrong.

Ah, I'm not surprised to see this. You can never get it right for these people. They set you up to get it wrong so they can react, even though you didn't actually get it wrong and did everything they asked of you. They twist things and lie, they're usually very good liars.

This is abusive behaviour, it's deliberate. Look up grey rocking. Do not doubt yourself, it's not you, it's him.

Flowers
HowManySunflowers · 24/04/2023 19:38

I feel so sad for you OP. You're making a massive effort to give everyone a really nice weekend, and all you get in return is criticism and sulking. You must feel so deflated.

determinedtomakethiswork · 24/04/2023 20:14

It must be incredibly stressful and miserable to live like that.

Cleotolstoy · 25/04/2023 06:47

Even if a normal adult started feeling a bit moody about how busy you were they would very quickly be thinking 'wtaf, she's rushing about for everyone and I'm feeling sorry for myself, I'm being a dick' A grown up wouldn't get anywhere near the stage of saying what he said and then ignoring you. He's not a partner. He's entitled and abusive and wants to make you feel bad things. He's showing you who he is, don't ignore it.

Inkanta · 25/04/2023 07:38

Yes I think silent treatment is one of the he worst kinds of emotional abuse. If its true silent treatment that's going on here I'd be mindful that it's a narcissistic trait. It's designed to punish and cause a hurt pain in the recipient. It's aggressive. Creates a trauma bond. Not good. I'd watch for these patterns.