Do you think you are with your 'soulmate'

[madeinchelsea91]

Hi, I (31f) live with my partner (32m).

We have been together coming up 7 years this year and we have 3 young children under 5 years. We have a nice life, you know, nice house, nice car, lots of friends, social, can afford for our son to go to independent school, so quite lucky really. It is all down to my partner and how he works and his work ethic and I am always grateful for everything he does for us.
The problem is our relationship is also just 'fine'. We get along I guess, but generally don't really share any of the same interests. We seem to only talk about the kids, something to do with the house, maybe share gossip about our mutual friends but that's it. We don't seem to have a romantic relationship at the moment, our youngest is 6 months. My days are taken up looking after the kids and sorting the house, the endless meal prepping, tidying, washing. My partner works all hours under the sun, but sometimes i feel he just prefers to be out of the house!
He proposed to me 2 years ago and I said yes. Although since then, we haven't really spoken about getting married. To be honest, I don't know if I want to marry him. Sometimes I just feel like he's not my person.. other than living together and having our children, I don't feel we are compatible.
Maybe I'm comparing it to the movies, but I just don't feel that much for him. Even when he proposed I wasn't blown away and in this little love bubble. It was just like 'oh okay'. It almost felt awkward. I see these couples on social media writing all these gushy posts about their partners and about how they love them more than anything in the world etc.. I wonder why I don't feel like that, or are they just doing it for likes?

So my question is, does anyone else feel like this? Or have you?
Did you stay in your relationship? Do you think soulmates exist? I don't know if I'm expecting too much

When I was at your time of life, I adored my DH.
Since peri has hit, it’s changed.

Really interesting that many PP have identified close female friendships / sisters etc as soulmates.

Has made me realise how happy I am to have such wonderful intimate relationships in my life as well ….. but I would question how our mutual soul mate adoration would be tested at 3am with 3 toddlers kicking off with D&V and the washing machine had broken down…..

No, I am not with my soulmate.

I am with DH due to circumstances. I do love him very much, but in another life I'd be with someone more reliable and less selfish.

I don’t believe in soul mates either. It feels to me like you shouldn’t marry him. When someone asks you to marry them then it really should be one of the happiest days of your life. If it’s not, don’t marry them

Exactly!

Yes. Our love is like a movie. I feel grateful and excited everyday that he is mine.

I don't really believe in soulmates. People come into your life at different times, and who you become friends with or have a relationship with is a matter of timing and what else is going on in your life.

My marriage was a bit meh. I didn't really acknowledge it at the time, I wanted to believe in the marriage, but it was meh.

Young children are hard work and we also renovated two houses, which is stressful, and for a long time I just thought we were coping with all of that and things would get better when we could enjoy our home and as the children got older.

After almost twenty years together, my ex came to the realisation that he was gay (I'm not suggesting that's the issue here!) and it explains a lot really. I think he started out loving me (but not the way I wanted to be loved) and gradually grew to resent me and find things 'wrong' with me because he wanted it to be my fault our relationship wasn't amazing rather than acknowledge he wasn't really attracted to me.

I'm now in a new relationship with someone who values me. He doesn't find fault with me, he's supportive, he's kind, he makes me laugh, and I'm just happy being around him, whatever we're doing.

I had a nice enough life with my ex until he became very unpleasant during the separation and divorce process. But I didn't feel, loved, valued, cherished.

It could be that you're in the hard work stage of young children and it's got a bit lost, or it could be something more than that.

Counselling (just for you) might help you work out what the issue is, what you want and what you are willing to do get what you want.

We all deserve to be valued by the people close to us. If you don't feel valued then your husband needs to hear that.

I have been in a good, happy relationship for 24 years and I believe/hope we will be together for life.

I don't believe in soulmates. I think it's down to circumstances, compatibility and luck, as well as attraction.

I have an ex at I'm still close to (as is my partner). I think that we could well have had a long and happy partnership if the circumstances had been different at the time. But we will never know. No regrets at all though.

I will say that the hardest bit of our quarter-century together was the bit with very young children. There's a lot of just getting through at that stage.

"If soulmates existed what would be the chances of so many people meeting theirs at work or down the pub...surely on the law of averages they'd be on the other side of the world"

I think the problem is thinking there is only one soulmate in the universe. I Agree that's totally mad.

However, I do believe there is a deeper level of soul-based love and connection between certain people that is different than just being high on the continuum of normal love/ compatibility.

I don't even think it is a guarantee of happiness - can maybe be a bit Kathy/Heathcliff.... but it's overwhelmingly powerful when you encounter it, and many never do.

I only just looked at this thread again and did not realise you had commented on what I wrote. I agree it is rare to experience this . I went through my first marriage which was abusive in every category of abuse and every way you could imagine. After that I spent many years with an alcoholic who was abusive physically, verbally and psychologically. When I met my husband I could not believe it. It's like I had to endure what I did to meet him.

I don't believe in soulmates. I believe you meet someone and work hard to have a good relationship

I believe that we're more compatible with some people than others. And we generally make our decision to be with someone based on this, luck and circumstance.

I also believe that sometimes we can grow so much through life experiences, if you don't grow together with your partner, you can outgrow each other.

It’s all about timing. When you’re ready, you meet someone and when you’re ready, you work at staying together. Love is a factor, of course, but I have been in relationships where they were a better match for me, but I wasn’t ready to commit.

If there's nothing really wrong, but it's just all a bit bland, I'd definitely try tpbmake some effort to change things first. Have you always felt this way, or is this something that's happened over the last few years when you've had your children? If your sole focus is the home and your children at the moment I can understand why life feels a bit meh as you aren't living for yourself at all. Do you enjoy being a SAHM? For me being off on maternity leave was lovely in that I wanted to be with my baby but I missed the intellectual challenge of work and being able to use my time how I wanted.

I'd suggest carving out some proper time on a regular basis for you and DH together. Tell him with the kids etc you're feeling a lack of spark at the moment and want to bring that back again. Do things you enjoy and see how it goes. If after say six months of real effort things still don't feel right then I'd think again about maybe moving on. Hopefully though they will improve and you will rediscover a passion for each other.

There’s no such thing as a “soulmate”. There are people who are compatible and people who are not.

Making a partnership work depends on some baseline compatibility and some mutual attraction and respect, consideration and emotional awareness.

But there’s an infinite number of people that most people could have a successful romantic relationship with. It’s a question of how much you want to invest beyond that point.

The idea of “the one” is utter horseshit and is responsible for a lot of people making bad choices and then sticking with them way past the point of the relationship’s utility. This phrase needs a health warning.

Im going to get flamed for that - but I do believe soulmates exist. Not in a metaphysical, magical sense but in a more down to earth, "people we get on with ridiculously well" sense.

It doesn't have to mean the everlasting high of excitement - but when you're around someone you really like then mundane life gets a little funnier and easier to cope with.

Soulmates can be friends as well as partners, and I personally would not settle for less in relationship (been there, done that, it sucked)

You're not going to flamed, I agree with you. Thank you for putting it so succinctly xx

I did until I found out 4/5 yrs ago he had been facetiming a work collegue and the mastubated together (for about a yr)
I'm not sure how I feel now. We have been together 27 years.

You can be with someone who is a 'soulmate' and still treats you like dirt. In my life there have been two people that I have deeply connected with, and could have seen myself spending the rest of my life with. One of them was a horribly manipulative an angry person, and despite the connection the abuse meant it all became irrelevant. The other isn't perfect, but we share such an amazing connection it doesn't matter, and wants to be a better person, rather than hide behind their issues.

No… I love DP, we have a great relationship but we don’t have the same interests and that’s fine.. it works for us, my soul mate is one of my best friends, he’s literally the male version of me, we love all the same things, have the same sense of humour, no romantic feelings whatsoever.

Thank you for this. I believe that we have soul mates, but that doesn’t necessarily mean we should marry them!! I also believe that “soul mates” covers more than just romantic relationships. I think my Grandma was one of my soul mates. And some of my close friends. And maybe my dog 😂.

It's really cool that this just popped up as there's a new show on Amazon prime about a future where they scientifically find your soulmate and people move across the world to be with them and set fire to their existing marriages. And of course it's not as simple as that!

PS. I don't think my partner is my soulmate 🤫 but I do think our relationship is beautiful, and I love him.