Do you think you are with your 'soulmate'

[madeinchelsea91]

Hi, I (31f) live with my partner (32m).

We have been together coming up 7 years this year and we have 3 young children under 5 years. We have a nice life, you know, nice house, nice car, lots of friends, social, can afford for our son to go to independent school, so quite lucky really. It is all down to my partner and how he works and his work ethic and I am always grateful for everything he does for us.
The problem is our relationship is also just 'fine'. We get along I guess, but generally don't really share any of the same interests. We seem to only talk about the kids, something to do with the house, maybe share gossip about our mutual friends but that's it. We don't seem to have a romantic relationship at the moment, our youngest is 6 months. My days are taken up looking after the kids and sorting the house, the endless meal prepping, tidying, washing. My partner works all hours under the sun, but sometimes i feel he just prefers to be out of the house!
He proposed to me 2 years ago and I said yes. Although since then, we haven't really spoken about getting married. To be honest, I don't know if I want to marry him. Sometimes I just feel like he's not my person.. other than living together and having our children, I don't feel we are compatible.
Maybe I'm comparing it to the movies, but I just don't feel that much for him. Even when he proposed I wasn't blown away and in this little love bubble. It was just like 'oh okay'. It almost felt awkward. I see these couples on social media writing all these gushy posts about their partners and about how they love them more than anything in the world etc.. I wonder why I don't feel like that, or are they just doing it for likes?

So my question is, does anyone else feel like this? Or have you?
Did you stay in your relationship? Do you think soulmates exist? I don't know if I'm expecting too much

I believe in soulmates but also that we don't just have one. There are any number of people in the world who we could share an equally deep connection with if circumstances allowed us to meet. To believe in 'soulmates' indicates people believe in the whole concept of the soul. Soulmates are members of our soul group that we recognize in life on a deep subconscious level, hence the feeling that the person gets you.

To answer the question....yes I believe my partner is a soulmate. That doesn't mean it's all hearts and flowers but we connect, and we met for a reason. I've also met a soulmate previously, at a time where it was impossible to explore a romantic relationship with him.

If he didn’t bother with Mother’s Day, he probably doesn’t value you much. You’re in a dodgy position especially if you find he’s not at home much. He could well find someone else and leave you. I’d be getting myself down to the registry office, not sitting navel-gazing worrying about soulmates.

I do work yes, I'm currently on maternity for the 3rd time. I work in Early years and there is no way I could afford the house on my own. I am quite reliant on him, and he pays for majority of everything for the kids..

That's the thing, I am with them 24/7 at the moment. I couldn't even imagine not seeing them or being with them every day. I really wouldn't want to put split households on them either. It's not really an unhappy environment, or a toxic one, just generally quite 'meh'.

I don't believe in soulmates. So no In answe to your question.

However I am with the love of my life. My rock, my best friend, the person who is my safe place.

You’re a bit stuck then. Personally no ‘soul mate’ would make up for being apart from my children. Also there is no guarantee that in your thirties with three children you’d find anyone decent. Lots of men wouldn’t want to take that on. You’d likely be looking at someone with children themselves and blending families is notoriously difficult. Stay realistic op.

I believe in soulmates, but not in the gushy sense, more the 'will be together til we die' sense.
I don't for one minute believe couples always have that romantic 'lusty' sort of relationship all the way through. I think eventually you get to the point where you're 'comfortable'. Of course you still have the odd shag and snog, but I always visualise soulmates as being two people comfortable in each others' company, some shared interests, like going similar places, or TV programmes they watch together. Just enjoy each others company, make each other laugh, and if they fall out, sleep on it, spend a few hours apart then sort it out and move on.

I guess what I'm saying is, while you're raising young children you're not really going to be spending much actual time together, so it's a bit unrealistic to expect a gushy romantic relationship.

I don't believe in fairytale bliss; marriage is something that needs attention and work, otherwise it will wither. So that means talking to each other, enjoyment of each other (in and out of the bedroom) and mutual respect. We don't have the same hobbies but we share the same humour, movies and sense of adventure. It's been 12 years, so it's working.

We've also have two kids, so I can state that the under -3's were the worst time for us as a couple, purely because of the time and energy required to keep the DCs fed and alive.

Soulmates do exist - but not necessarily as a romantic partner. Your soulmate is put on earth to help you grow and you may go through hell with them, rather than heaven.

Regarding your marriage, you need to talk to your husband and work out if you said "yes" because you wanted to be with him or if it was the standard thing to do. DH is not my soulmate, but he's the reason I smile each day.

You’re a bit stuck then. Personally no ‘soul mate’ would make up for being apart from my children. Also there is no guarantee that in your thirties with three children you’d find anyone decent. Lots of men wouldn’t want to take that on. You’d likely be looking at someone with children themselves and blending families is notoriously difficult. Stay realistic op.

I mean that's quite sad in itself. Suck it OP. This is as good as it gets?

Well it is, but it's also the reality.
You've got to weigh things up.

I honestly believe many women leave their 'meh' marriages (nothing big, no abuse just 'meh') thinking they'll walk into the arms of the perfect man the week after and be intensely happy the rest of their lives.
I mean yes there's a chance, but there's also a lot of very difficult things to deal with in the meantime, with the 'hope' of the above.

No, but I'm with my best friend and that is good enough. I don't like the concept of a soul mate. Whilst it must be nice to feel that connected to someone, it isn't realistic for most people and it seems to me it (the concept) takes away the need to work at a relationship. I believe all relationships need to ge worked at.

Re the OP, sounds like a totally normal phase in a longterm relationship to me. Stick with it and it will improve.

Yes. There’s no one in the world I’d rather spend time with.

Oh dear ‘get over it’ comment on Mother’s Day what a piece of shit he is OP. FFS it does not take much ti be polite and kind. Where’s this card from? Has he ever heard of Amazon Prime. Minimal effort. Could have gone down to Texaco or 24 he Tesco, the idiot doesn’t care.

So listen your options now are to play along and marry him. Let your kids grow up a little. Start work so you can build up an exit strategy should you need to. And then you have options. This could all that you 5 yrs max and to be honest going on the OLD market with 3 toddlers is not a great option, you don’t need to make it a bigger mess than it is.

With no assets and no work and no options you have dreams but no options. Marriage is the only way out of this if indeed it is a real mess and not just parenting too hard with toddlers. You need all yr kids in school to be able to work. Good luck.

Soulmates don't exist. It's a load of sentimental claptrap which does more harm than good ime. I've met more than one person in an abusive relationship who can't leave because "they're my soulmate". It also does a disservice to the communication, respect, hard work, diligence etc required to be true partners.

OP, put aside the notion of perfect partners and soulmates (they don't exist) and concentrate on yourself. The man you are with seems not to be right for you and unwilling to put the work into emotionally meeting your needs. It's okay to leave a marriage. It's important that you do sometimes.

I feel like each partner I've had has been a soul mate so I don't really know if I believe in just one

Yes I am with mine. We just get on so well, we supports my interests and I support his, I am always excited to see him, if I catch sight of him when I wasn't expecting it I get that somersault feeling in my tummy. We are aligned on our beliefs etc. i can truly be myself with him, and it was that way from our first date. I was with exH for 13 years and I had to hide parts of me as he would sneer or make me feel silly about my interests or views. I've been in love a few times but this feels very different

I don't believe in soulmates. However, I adore my DH. We are a great 'fit'. Similar humour, fancy each other loads, similar life goals. We miss each other if we're apart for any length of time and look forward to seeing each other at the end of the day. He makes my stomach flutter still (and we're quite old now!).

So no - the idea of a happy relationship isn't something made up for films or instagram. They do really exist, and it's a realistic hope. You don't have to accept 'meh'. (Surely single is much better than meh?)

I understand it's a difficult call when you have children and life is tolerable. But think about how you want your life to be in 2, 5, 15 years, and plan for that. You don't have to accept a meh relationship the rest of your life.

Your DP's attitude to the mother of his 3 young children, one a baby, on Mothers Day was horrible. Our DCs are all adults and have their own homes, but my DH (Not the father of my DCs) still brings me tea in bed and a nice breakfast on mother's day, just because he wants to.

I honestly believe my fiancé is is my person. I had a massive crush on him when we met at 18 at Uni and he was my best friend there – we stayed in touch after graduating and eventually got together when we were 23. Been together officially 7 years now and we love each other more than ever. We can have fun together doing literally anything and he knows me better than anyone.

However I know we are very lucky to be so close. I know plenty of couples who sound like you, together out of convenience or because “together because they are together”. It wouldn’t be enough for me; I always wanted a Big Love but some people are okay with just settling down with somebody nice and if that’s you then there’s nothing wrong with that!

I agree with this.

However I also suggest using your financial privilege to invest in your marriage - drop or rethink the private prep school to free up £££££ (I did it x4) to cut the drudgery out of your life - get cleaners, babysitters, gym membership, treatments, hobbies, social life etc to bring YOU back to life - to put some zest, vitality, colour, pace, inspiration and purpose in your life.

Think about investing in your career / training or retraining.

Then invest in your marriage - start to nurture the relationship - and hope he will nurture back. Use your money for weekends away, nights out without the DC - or to family hotels with childcare etc.

Maybe if things are still sticky some couples therapy or therapy for yourself.

The best gift you can give your x 3 DCs is a calm and peaceful home - where kindness and respect is core.

If your DH is a w**ker I am not suggesting you stay - but I think these years are brutal as we may experience ourselves, our partner and our relationship as overwhelmed.

I agree with PP that separation, access, split assets, parenting singled handedly with min cash, OLD with toddlers, the prospect of DSC, your DH possibly going on to have further DC …. is v v messy and stressful.

Invest in yourself, your relationship (get married ASAP) - bide your time. Hope for the best (prepare for the worst)

I think you’re bogged down in household chores and kids. It’s normal to feel how you do. Waiting for a bit of “excitement”. I’m 30 years older than you and although I’m married to the best man for me (he’s my best friend too) I still wait for exciting things to happen. They don’t always and then I think: do I really crave drama. We had a rocky start to our marriage and now after 25 years we are in a really good place. Take no notice of twats on Instagram gushing over their partners. It’s usually attention-seeking bollocks and they probs loathe the husband they’re telling the world they love. In your 30s it feels hard to “settle” but all grand passion will eventually die out. That’s normal. If you’re left with a decent bloke who cares enough to work all hours to provide for you and loves you and the children, well, you’ve got it all xx

I don't believe in soulmates for me. I think some people find them and have them and that's great, but I can't imagine feeling that way about someone, and I'm fine with that.

DH and I have been together over 20 years, married for most of that and what we have works for us - we laugh a lot, have interesting conversations and experiences and seem to have made some lovely kids along the way.

This is an interesting one, who wouldn't want a soulmate and fireworks and passion. Maybe also that doesn't last and what is left is friendship, love and respect. That sounds pretty good too. Only you know what is right for you. I can say from my own experience coming from a culture of arranged marriages, many of these probably weren't soulmates but most ended up with true love.

I don't believe in soulmates or there being only one perfect person out there for you.

I do believe in comparability though, we are very different people and don't do everything together like some couples. My and my partner work well together and I can't really imagine spending my life with someone else, but if I hadn't met him I'm sure there would have been someone.

Agree with this, if only because the chances of a soulmate are quite unlikely statically wise. You should watch the movie "Look both ways" on Netflix

No, I don't. But I haven't met anyone else ever that I could ever imagine living with for the rest of my life.

I'm not sure you're asking the right question. I could have written your post about 10 years ago (though we're married). I think soul mates exist but if yours is your romantic partner that's not a guarantee of happiness, and nor does every happy relationship have to be between 'soul mates'. My DH isn't mine. My closest friends and siblings are. But we function well as a unit and as a PP said, we choose this life together.

I had a major wobble 10 years ago when DC1 was a toddler. You've got 3 under 5 (I think?). No wonder you don't have time or inclination for romance at the moment. When it came to the crunch, I knew I wanted to stay and 10 years later it was the right thing. He's still not my soul mate but I've decided it doesn't matter.