Do you think you are with your 'soulmate'

[madeinchelsea91]

Hi, I (31f) live with my partner (32m).

We have been together coming up 7 years this year and we have 3 young children under 5 years. We have a nice life, you know, nice house, nice car, lots of friends, social, can afford for our son to go to independent school, so quite lucky really. It is all down to my partner and how he works and his work ethic and I am always grateful for everything he does for us.
The problem is our relationship is also just 'fine'. We get along I guess, but generally don't really share any of the same interests. We seem to only talk about the kids, something to do with the house, maybe share gossip about our mutual friends but that's it. We don't seem to have a romantic relationship at the moment, our youngest is 6 months. My days are taken up looking after the kids and sorting the house, the endless meal prepping, tidying, washing. My partner works all hours under the sun, but sometimes i feel he just prefers to be out of the house!
He proposed to me 2 years ago and I said yes. Although since then, we haven't really spoken about getting married. To be honest, I don't know if I want to marry him. Sometimes I just feel like he's not my person.. other than living together and having our children, I don't feel we are compatible.
Maybe I'm comparing it to the movies, but I just don't feel that much for him. Even when he proposed I wasn't blown away and in this little love bubble. It was just like 'oh okay'. It almost felt awkward. I see these couples on social media writing all these gushy posts about their partners and about how they love them more than anything in the world etc.. I wonder why I don't feel like that, or are they just doing it for likes?

So my question is, does anyone else feel like this? Or have you?
Did you stay in your relationship? Do you think soulmates exist? I don't know if I'm expecting too much

Yes. I do believe in soulmates.

I think you can get with men, and it's ok, needs work but somehow connecting with a soulmate feels incredibly different, like magic

Omg what planet are you on? Without marriage you have no assets and you and your kids could be in the streets tomorrow especially if he’s feeling as lukewarm as you are. Geez do you not read any posts on here?

So yeah take ur time. He’s certainly the smart one here whilst u ponder about Disney versions of romance.

Yes you can find the right person on the future. You don't owe anyone 20 years of your life. You deserve good things to happen to you

Sometimes we need that unhappy marriage so we get clarity on what kind of person is the one

Yes, there is no other person that I can imagine having spent over 30 years with and still waking up with a huge grin at finding him beside me. There were so many obstacles and, conversely, so many weird coincidences that brought us together.

However, the sense of a soul mate wasn’t sudden but grew over time to the point where I realised that this was the person who knew, loved and supported me to the core in a way that nobody else could.

I found an old diary recently, about someone who, a lifetime ago, I thought was ‘the one’ and it made me clearly see the series of events that had made me split up with him and lead me to meet DH. For which I will always be grateful.

Social media relationships never, ever show the whole picture. Similarly, love in real life is unlikely to fit a Hollywood ideal. But this everyday glue of love, kindness, respect and support is sometimes more valuable than the mirage they project.

DH is my soulmate but not in the Disney sense. We have been through several periods of seriously awful times, been on our knees financially and had health issues. Through all of this, he makes me laugh endlessly, puts me first (and me him) and we share everything. It's not necessarily breathless passion all the time but I know he is it for me!

What's the definition of a soul mate?

If it's "sole mate" as in the only person out of the world's 8 billion meant for you, then that's clearly bullshit.

If it's someone who you love dearly who makes your heart glad, and vice versa, then yes.

I'd be interested to know if anyone believes they've had more than one soul mate... As in someone who was a soul mate for a number of years before you drifted apart, only to find another soul mate later.... or is part of the definition that a soul mate is necessarily a mate for life?

DH and I have been through some truly terrible times - health, money, bereavement. We've even split up once, for about eight months.
That was many years ago, and we're now a very happy couple of pensioners, truly committed for the last twenty five years.
We love and support one another and have a very similar sense of humour.
We are very happy together. I cannot imagine being with anyone else if he died.
Soul mates? Doubtful. But we must've learned to compromise and I believe that that is very important in a relationship. Mutual respect and an ability to apologize are also necessary.
Sexual attraction is also vital. And not expecting more from one another than is possible to give.

I'm married to my soul mate.

Been together 10 years next year and have a 5 month old after 6 years of trying. We laugh all the time, have fun together, enjoy every minute we spend together.

We are dirt poor and budget every penny so we can plan nice things to do. We make fun out of the every day mundane things. We can talk for hours about any subject too.

We raise each other up.

Wow, some of these responses are so lovely and I'm so glad that so many of you have found your person ❤️
Yes, maybe I should have worded it differently, I have 2 soulmates but neither are him! They are my sister and my nan and I would do anything for them, they are my people.

This has really resonated with me, thank you. I think I should not just give up so easily. Our children are still so young. I have heard people say the nappies and toddler stages are the hardest to keep your relationship alive in, so I guess we just keep ploughing through. Maybe start to try and get out again as a couple and do things that are fun!

You sound like you've a wonderful life and a functioning relationship. Get married for financial stability, find your own passions for interests and hobbies, and do something productive and useful. You're overly ruminating because you've got no problems. Trust me, Grand Feelings are NOT always what they are cracked up to be. Your relationship is good and solid and you're with a dedicated provider. Count your lucky stars.

I believe I definitely am. The love I feel for him is like nothing I had ever felt before. It was all encompassing, I just can't describe it. We said we loved each other after 2 dates, lived together after 2 months, engaged at five months, we are now married and it's been 6 years.

We found the years when the children were young, and when we had the least amount of money, were definitely the hardest to navigate.
Not having enough money can make the most loving couples snap at one another. It's very stressful. So is being deprived of sleep.

I will say one thing though - both of us have always shared the housework equally, and we did equal amounts of childcare, too - so there was no resentment on those lines.

We don't seem to have a romantic relationship at the moment, our youngest is 6 months

Said every parent in the world ever 😃

Hang in there.

Yes, I was. We were married for less than a year but it felt like we were meant to be together.

There was certainly some serendipity involved in us meeting but I’m not sure I believe in soulmates. I have been in other relationships that were very happy but don’t think I have ever been able to be completely myself in the way I can be with DH. We accept each other, we have a lot in common and enjoy similar things but we are also happy to spend time separately. We’ve never been jealous or suspicious of each other.

Our life isn’t perfect and we do have issues that we disagree about but we are very well suited. Married 20 years this year.

Yep - I am with my soulmate. Been together for 20 yrs . I know he would lay down his life for me and me for him. We have both nursed each other through life threatening and subsequently life changing illnesses. We are both battle scarred and not the same people we were when we met. But we adore each other.
he says I am his lightning rod - just touching me takes away his stress.

i have been bed ridden since new year and have only just started walking ( with sticks) - he has done everything in the house and for me. No moaning. He says he has actually enjoyed looking after me.
we are the same person split in two.

a very different relationship to my two previous marriages.

apologies for odd post but I am off my tits on pain meds and I am feeling a bit emotional

It's the 7yr itch mate.

How did you feel in the beginning?

My DH - is my soul mate? Errrrr, yeah on a good day - he's my worst enemy on a bad one.

But it's more than that. I choose my life. I choose my family - the family me and him created. Sometimes it feels like he's a million miles away from me. Sometimes it feels like he's suffocating me. Most of the time he just feels like home, like a favourite jumper - comfortable. I think we're doing alright.

Soul mate, yeah probably - but not in a butterflies, unicorns dancing across in a meadow type of way. Soul mate in more of a - I can't believe he's still with me and vice versa type of way.

But OP this is dangerous place to come for a wobble. Be careful your head doesn't get filled up with things that could bring your whole house down.

I think that the concept of a soulmate is a Hollywood invention to market their God-awful romcoms. I’m more of the Tim Minchin’s school if thought when he says, in one of his songs, “if I didn’t have you, I’m sure I’ll have somebody else”. Or nobody. (I’m a cynic by nature). I have been with my DH for 17 years with plenty of WTF am I doing with him? moments along the way but we have survived (so far). It’s real and full of pitfalls and I don’t think we are “meant to be together” but we are, iyswim.

I didn't believe in soul mates until I met mine. It was a feeling I've never experienced before. I thought I understood love and compatability but I didn't.
This amazing man is on the same page as me with almost everything. We talk all day every day (work from home) and never run out of things to say. Our love has only grown as we have learnt more about eachother. We took on some enormous tasks and they are just starting to pay off, built our own home together. Started a business together. Both of our lives changed dramatically when we met. I feel like I've known him forever, a million lifetimes.

I'm shortly to be married to mine. But let's talk about you. Three kids, man on good money, you a SAHM by the sounds of it, not married. That's not good, riding off into the sunset or no. The cynic in me urges you to get married first and decide whether you want to spend the rest of your life with him later.

This is exactly how I feel about my DH and our life. Some days I want to kill him, others I look at him and our life and think how lucky I am.

Life with little ones under 5 is incredibly difficult. I remember feeling the same when my youngest was around 5 months and I ended up with depression as it made me feel low about my whole life. What helped me was I found something I could do for me, so I felt like a person again and not just a mum and wife. This gave me something new to speak to DH about and he became interested - we had a new topic other than children and household bills!!! We also started up date nights again - do you have anyone who could babysit even just for a few hours so you could have a nice tea out together? It's so easy to slip into being mum and dad that you can forget why you were together in the first place!

I thought my first husband was my soulmate for the first five years of our relationship. It was intense, like a miracle, truly the circumstances were straight out of a Hollywood romance. We were so close and so in love. However when our child came along, the attention was diverted from him and he completely changed. Like a Hollywood horror story he turned absolutely evil and tried to destroy me and our child, leaving only scorched earth is the right phrase. If he had died in the first five years then I would have believed my soulmate had died and been bereft forever. I would never have seen that he was a sociopathic narcissist in a very long love bombing stage. I'm married again and he's definitely not my soulmate. I'm not sure if after two decade long marriages I would be able to find a true soulmate if I get the chance again or even if I believe in it now.

Really as long as you can have a bit of a laugh together, you still fancy each other and you treat each other with kindness and respect then that’s all there is to it. Raising young kids is hard and during this phase you feel like teammates at times. But when it passes you will get some of yourselves back.