Do you think you are with your 'soulmate'

[madeinchelsea91]

Hi, I (31f) live with my partner (32m).

We have been together coming up 7 years this year and we have 3 young children under 5 years. We have a nice life, you know, nice house, nice car, lots of friends, social, can afford for our son to go to independent school, so quite lucky really. It is all down to my partner and how he works and his work ethic and I am always grateful for everything he does for us.
The problem is our relationship is also just 'fine'. We get along I guess, but generally don't really share any of the same interests. We seem to only talk about the kids, something to do with the house, maybe share gossip about our mutual friends but that's it. We don't seem to have a romantic relationship at the moment, our youngest is 6 months. My days are taken up looking after the kids and sorting the house, the endless meal prepping, tidying, washing. My partner works all hours under the sun, but sometimes i feel he just prefers to be out of the house!
He proposed to me 2 years ago and I said yes. Although since then, we haven't really spoken about getting married. To be honest, I don't know if I want to marry him. Sometimes I just feel like he's not my person.. other than living together and having our children, I don't feel we are compatible.
Maybe I'm comparing it to the movies, but I just don't feel that much for him. Even when he proposed I wasn't blown away and in this little love bubble. It was just like 'oh okay'. It almost felt awkward. I see these couples on social media writing all these gushy posts about their partners and about how they love them more than anything in the world etc.. I wonder why I don't feel like that, or are they just doing it for likes?

So my question is, does anyone else feel like this? Or have you?
Did you stay in your relationship? Do you think soulmates exist? I don't know if I'm expecting too much

Important question - Do you share ideas of what things are fun? A relationship does need more than joint responsibilities, especially when you're each responsible for different realms, as you two seem to be. There is a need for connection.

More pragmatically, this: The cynic in me urges you to get married first and decide whether you want to spend the rest of your life with him later. You're vulnerable.

I don't believe in soul mates but my DP and I are very similar - so similar that when we did ancestry dna tests while researching our family history we half expected to be related 😄 ( we're not, thank god).

We've only been together 5yrs but like the OP, our lives have become consumed by having small children and work. We're engaged but I'm not sure I actually want to get married. I wasn't excited to get engaged even though it was a surprise proposal. But I think that's just the type of person I am as I wasn't bothered when my ex husband proposed either.

It's not the most exciting relationship but equally there's nothing wrong with it.
If we didn't have the worries of work, money, kids and hating where we live we'd probably have a brilliant time together as there'd be no stress.
He's very supportive and we spend all our spare time together. Apart from work we're always together yet it doesn't feel claustrophobic. In previous relationships I've always felt like I didn't have enough space, even if we didn't live together.

The closest thing I've had to a soulmate was with an ex-colleague. We had a deep connection and were incredibly drawn to each other. Just being in the same room together was calming to the soul in a way I can't explain. I always knew what random thing he was thinking about and even sitting in silence in the same small office made us both happy.
BUT it would never have worked as a relationship. There were fundamental differences in things that are very important as a basis for a relationship.

That's amazing! It just seems to happen like that for some people 🙂.

However, what you've experienced, in particular the speed, is very rare, even for people who profess to be with their soulmate, and the danger is that it can make the 99+% of people who haven't experienced anything quite so "Disney perfect" will compare their relationships unfavourably.

And for someone who believes in the concept of "soulmates" as some kind of eternally blissful "love-at-first-sight" perfect union, the risk is that they will be dissatisfied with their otherwise amazing relationships, magnifying minor flaws and turning minor imperfections into major issues.... and the amazing relationship turns sour courtesy of "soulmate perfectionism" and comparison with an ideal. Comparison is the thief of joy...

I actually think my soulmate is my best friend, who lives a mile or so away and whom I see once or twice a fortnight, text every few days. Sadly neither of us fancy women, so that's that 😂

Fella I'm with (5years, we're both divorced with kids: that bit is alrightish) the most compatible I've ever been with anyone sexually, and we appear to look out for each other well but politically/morally we're not always on the same page. He grew up privileged and in the "make your own way" mindset unaware of his own privilege whereas I'm a public sector bleeding heart leftie 😂

I tend to think soulmates exist, but are rare, and I'm happy that mine is a lovely woman I met at the school gate 10 years ago, and possibly my sister too. That's enough for me ❤️

I thought my first husband was my soulmate for the first five years of our relationship. It was intense, like a miracle, truly the circumstances were straight out of a Hollywood romance. We were so close and so in love. However when our child came along, the attention was diverted from him and he completely changed.

Interesting and sobering...

I don't believe in soul mates but I believe in more than "good enough" for a romantic relationship. It does sound a bit pedestrian to me.

However... you don't seem to have had much chance for "fun" together and building a bond about anything except the kids. If you've only been together 7 years and already have 3 children, then maybe you didn't have the magical honeymoon period because you simply didn't have time?!

I think you're in the deep throes of the hardest, most intense period of parenting and, for me anyway, the edges of everything - the hedony, or the excitement perhaps - have been a bit "blunted" (by hormones, tiredness, chaos) for the first 9 / 12 months or so after each baby. Almost like they take up every bit of headspace and love and wonder and worry and everything else is kind of squished. I wonder if perhaps that's happened here?

I am not advocating "settling" but I don't think you should throw away a good man and a happy family life at the moment based on some belief that it should've been more Disney.

I knew because as well as the day to day, I can picture retirement with him and we have the same goals (e.g the type of house we want, where etc).

Having young children who don’t sleep test a marriage but it’s not forever and we are moving though the otherside.

I also can’t think of anyone else I would rather live with.

Totally agree with this post! That being said, I’m very happily married, I just don’t buy this ‘soulmates’ spiel.

To be honest OP, with three young children, the youngest just six months, it’s probably not going to be lovey dovey romantic bliss, that’s quite normal. Perhaps therapy may not be a bad idea, just to hash out how you’re feeling and what your thoughts on your situation are.

I don’t believe in soul mates because I don’t believe we have souls, however, it they did exist, then I’d say that my children were my soulmates.

I don't think it's relevant because you might never meet them anyway, if they did exist. You said you don't want to marry him, as a PP said, you only get one life, don't settle if you want something more. What you have also sounds 'nice' and there's also nothing wrong with that. Think about being on your deathbed and what you would think looking back at your life

Our relationship is good but it's not what I ever expected. It's mostly calm and smooth flowing, not much in the stars and champagne corks.

I love him immensely but it's not a romantic love.
That said we laugh a lot, spend time in our own company and have been together for 25 years.

To add, not sure about the whole soulmates stuff. Maybe it means different things to different people.

I broke up with mine over 20 years ago. He married someone else. I still have dreams about him sometimes. We met at the wrong time, I wasnt in a good place and it's my fault we broke up. Nobody Ive been with since, even people Ive loved have felt like an equal mutual appreciation and admiration thing. Same interests, same temperament.

I’m a little worried about your financial situation if you separate - you seem to be a SAHM, DP high earner, relationship not a strong as you dreamed of. If you separate unmarried you may be in a very very difficult situation. I didn’t marry my ex, together 16 years and a child, and I was entitled to nothing but my share of the house which was 40%, agreed before we had a child. Ex is a high earner, I had given up work for 4 years for childcare and at separation had no job. I managed because I could quickly go into my old area of work but I would have been entitled to so much more if we had been married. I had thought my ex would never be unreasonable about finances but after I left he refused to pay even child maintenance. Please be careful.

I’m happily single and I understand myself like no soul mate ever could!

However, OP my advice to you is Get Married sooner rather than later. You’re in a precarious position.

There is no such thing as soul mates.

Is he kind and thoughtful? Do you make each other laugh?

I'd never describe my relationship as "fine", so that stands out to me in your OP.

I don't believe in soulmates, no. I've been divorced, widowed and am now happily with dp. Of course it's always possible I'm just not capable of a soulmate type connection??

Relationships are a choice you make and they can be nurtured or neglected. I don't think they just happen to you, you make them happen. But then I have found all my partners online and mostly make the running. I'm ok with that tbh.

I love this. I feel exactly the same about my now husband and my (tbf piece of shit) ex ❤️❤️❤️

Yes, I do (although I don't think there's one special person, I think there can be lots of soulmates, not always romantically, they can be friends too) but that doesn't mean it's easy, it still takes work.

My first marriage was like you've described, it was okay, it was fine. We got along but I definitely settled for something that ticked the boxes.

I felt an instant connection with my DH who I met entirely randomly. In many ways he annoys the hell out of me and we are chalk and cheese but he is nonetheless ‘my person’.

However, I don’t believe in soulmates. I have felt an instant connection with a few other people in my life that was just left in the air or went badly wrong because of incompatible values.

Sorry this will be long but I didn't quite believe in soul mates, even if a small part of me did..I didn't think it would happen for me. I got into a relationship at 17, married by 22 and 2 kids by 25. I didn't have the gushy love, or the romance, the butterflies. I didn't live in a love bubble after proposal, or after our wedding...I always wondered if other couples were the same and just put on a front. We, to everyone else, were a good marriage...nice house, car, kids, jobs, friends, holidays. But behind closed doors there was nothing really, we were two housemates who didn't really like each other and only really talked about the kids/work/house and life admin. We liked each other enough to get by don't get me wrong..but we weren't each others person. I left him 2.5 years ago, 5 months after I joined tinder for some casual dating (I hadn't dated in 11 years and I'd missed out!). I met my current partner who I've been with noe for 2 years and he is my soul mate no questions about it! My absolute person. I've never laughed so much, cried so much, been so vulnerable, we talk about anything and everything every single day! I still get butterflies, I'm in a love bubble all the time..he treats me like an absolute queen and isn't afraid to tell anyone who will listen how he feels about me...even his lad mates! I can't believe I settled for less than this feeling in my marriage. The grass isn't always greener...but sometimes it's a whole new beautiful garden! Trust your gut x

I was with my exH for twenty years. The whole time I just knew he wasn’t my soul mate, I stuck with it for the kids…

my current partner of 3yrs is 100% my soulmate, never ever felt love and happiness like it

Do you work? Are you on the house deeds? Could you afford the house without him? You sound financially reliant on him and with three small children that leaves you vulnerable. What would yours and their life look like if you split or he leaves? Will you be able to maintain your current lifestyle? Will you be happy sharing Christmases, holidays and birthdays and not seeing your children full time? How would you feel about your children having a stepmother? These are all likely scenarios if you bin him off.

He's generally kind but has his moments, as do I, I guess!
Thoughtful- no.

Mothers day this year passed by with no real acknowledgement at all. I woke up with the kids as usual, did breakfast, made the coffee etc. I mentioned about it being mother's day and he replied "oh yeah, I ordered you a card but it hasn't come yet". As the day went on it was obvious he hadn't planned anything or thought about anything to do. I told him I didn't want to make dinner for everybody that evening, so he ordered us a Chinese.. I cried a few times that day tbh, maybe it was my hormones from the baby still, I don't know. When my card arrived 2 days later, I spoke to him about how it had just been a pretty shit day really. His response was "oh get over it. It's happened now, can't change it". I've never felt so under-appreciated in my life and just can't get over how he could be so mean about it. My family have said to do the same to him for Father's day, but I just don't have that in me. He is a good dad (when he's here!) and I wouldn't take that away from him. Maybe I'm being silly and shouldn't buy into all the Mothers day stuff. It would have just been nice for somebody to make me a coffee for a change, and be made to feel a little special!

This is it. I always wonder if our friends are the same and putting on a front etc.
I'm so happy for you that you have found your person after all that time. Its sounds amazing 💕