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Relationships

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Original poster

Thoughts on husband having a female friend

119 replies

N02733 · 21/04/2023 22:17

I have just found out that my husband has been messaging a person that he met in an online game for the last 2 years. They have never met in person, but have weekly contact. He met her at a time when he had depression and have continued to be friends. He's agreed to stop the contact with her, but I don't know how to process this going forward. Thoughts?

OP posts:

Frogger8395 · 22/04/2023 11:35

He hasn’t had a female friend, he’s had an emotional affair. He has put considerable effort into her and also into hiding it. Considering he’s also cheated in the past it is now time to accept he cannot be faithful.

Your options really are to leave, or turn a blind eye and meet other people to meet your needs.

letthatmango · 22/04/2023 11:45

You’re already starting to minimise and I suspect rugsweep this. Of course he’s after ego kibbles, validation and dopamine hits. But he’s not doing anything to stop that drive. Until he is he will be unsafe for you. But tbh serial cheat and now an emotional affair it’s just a LTB. His regard for you and your right to your personal agency and sexual consent is nil.

He is an unsafe partner.

onwardsup4 · 22/04/2023 12:20

@BlackBarbies the clue was the fact you wrote yawn?! Or was you letting us know you were tired ? Just unnecessary moaning about a bloody drip feed 🙄

BlackBarbies · 22/04/2023 12:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

N02733 · 22/04/2023 15:19

Thank you. I know, yes I now have some tough life choices to make x

OP posts:

ElmTree22 · 22/04/2023 15:55

N02733 · 21/04/2023 22:27

The background is that he's had previous affairs and promised never to hurt me again

This seems like a you issue. You clearly haven't worked through what happened before and you don't trust him. Which he probably knows, therefore didn't tell you about it to stop you over reacting. Pretty text book. Once someone destroys the sanctity of a relationship, it's nearly impossible for it to be fixed.
He shouldn't have kept it from you, that was wrong but I'm sure if he had you wouldn't have been okay with it.

Original poster

N02733 · 22/04/2023 16:09

No, I haven't forgiven him and yes it's a big issue for me. I gave him the opportunity of a clean slate and asked if there was anything else I needed to know or anything that would hurt me, before we moved on. Even without the affair, I think that a 2 year friendship is something you would tell your partner about.
I'm aware how weak and pathetic this sounds, but it's so hard to explain until you're in the situation. I'm just so hurt and lost right now.

OP posts:

letthatmango · 22/04/2023 16:42

@N02733 without berating previous posters, I honestly think unless you have been through an affair and chosen as a couple to reconcile its HARD to understand the parameters that it HAS to happen under.

I am reconciled and a NEW close friendship with another women would be a HUGE red flag. The anxiety it would bring and the triggering of my infidelity trauma would simply be something my husband would not put me through and it is something I would not accept. It is not a question of my trust, it is not a question of your trust, it’s a question if his lack of intention to make you feel safe and secure within your marriage after the damage he has done to it and the trauma you have had to heal from.

I know I’m banging my drum here but you worry me. I do wonder how much you have really looked into affair recovery and the expectations on your husband. I can recommend surviving infidelity reconciliation forum, the ‘not just friends’ book by Shirley glass and the affair recovery videos. A great starting point for seeing just how little your husband is showing to be reconciliation material is ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’.

You do have a hard decision to make, but you need to find your inner strength and knowledge is power when dealing with all of this. If you believe there is hope then read and be really aware of what you’re dealing with and how to move forward. He needs to work on finding his moral compass, and I’m not convinced from anything you’ve said he’s got it in him.

Original poster

N02733 · 22/04/2023 16:54

Thank you so much for your detailed and honest reply. In terms of reconciliation, he has done all the textbook things and I really did think we were moving forwards. The reason he states that he didn't tell.be about the online friendship is because it was platonic and that he would lose me over that. He knows that was the wrong choice but in his words, didn't want to hurt me further. I do think he enjoys the attention and the ego boosts and that's the decision I need to make. Can I honestly believe he will ever be able to.be faithful and honest? He swears he will, but feel its all a bit boy cries wolf.
Please may I ask what helped you to move forwards. What was the main thing that your husband did that helped you?

OP posts:

Original poster

N02733 · 22/04/2023 16:56

Sorry just to add, it wasn't a new close friendship, he met the lady online at roughly the same time he began his affair

OP posts:

letthatmango · 22/04/2023 17:01

I’ll pm you as I don’t want to derail your thread about my story.

Original poster

N02733 · 22/04/2023 17:06

Thank you x

OP posts:

SallyWD · 22/04/2023 17:12

The only iffy thing is that he kept it secret but this may well be because you have a jealous nature? What do you think? My DH has loads of female friends and I think it's great. It shows he sees women as human beings and not just people to have sex with.

Original poster

N02733 · 22/04/2023 17:17

I wouldn't say it's a jealous nature, it's the betrayal of trust after he promised to be open and honest

OP posts:

SallyWD · 22/04/2023 17:18

N02733 · 22/04/2023 17:17

I wouldn't say it's a jealous nature, it's the betrayal of trust after he promised to be open and honest

Apologies, I hadn't read your later posts

fryanddry · 22/04/2023 22:32

N02733 · 22/04/2023 17:17

I wouldn't say it's a jealous nature, it's the betrayal of trust after he promised to be open and honest

2 Years is a long time to keep a secret from you..

For 2 years he has been making a conscious effort to hide this woman from you, making sure that she never calls when you are around, sneaking phone calls and messages to her , probably deleting things out of his phone, for 2 whole years!
That is shocking for him to keep up that charade and for what?

If she's just a friend like he said, why is he being so sneaky and why is he making a massive effort to hide a " friend " , it doesn't make sense , I think you know that..
Its a massive betrayal to you,
men like him enjoy keeping secrets and sneaking around they get a kick out of it

I would never trust him again personally, you have seen what he is capable of in the past and he hasn't changed really has he?

Fishpieandchips · 23/04/2023 00:11

I suspect this "friend" is AP in disguise.
Bin him off. Pronto.

MsDogLady · 23/04/2023 06:06

@N02733, it appears that you’ve been in a false reconciliation.

Your H had 2 illicit relationships running simultaneously. He ceased the PA, but continued the EA he’d already begun with this OW.

Instead of true remorse, strengthened boundaries, and full transparency, he escalated his emotional connection with OW, using subterfuge to keep you blind and fooled. He’s a sneaky cake eater — addicted to the buzz and validation engendered in him by OW. He has prioritized her for 2+ years, thereby degrading you and damaging your marriage, just as he did via his previous infidelities.

Her secret early morning wink is further evidence of their closeness and reliance. Very coupley.

@N02733, sticking with this repeat offender who thrives on illicit gratification will diminish you beyond recognition. It would be game over for me.

Izzabellasasperella · 23/04/2023 06:37

My dh has a close friend who is female. They have been friends from their teenage years and regularly message and meet up without me. I have no problem with their friendship as dh had always been completely open and honest about it.
I would not be happy if he had been messaging someone else in secret for 2 years. I would view this as a breach of trust no matter how "innocent" the messages were.

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