Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Thoughts on husband having a female friend

119 replies

N02733 · 21/04/2023 22:17

I have just found out that my husband has been messaging a person that he met in an online game for the last 2 years. They have never met in person, but have weekly contact. He met her at a time when he had depression and have continued to be friends. He's agreed to stop the contact with her, but I don't know how to process this going forward. Thoughts?

OP posts:
letthatmango · 22/04/2023 07:53

Clytemnestra21 · 22/04/2023 07:49

Wow! Some of the posts on here are so catty.

I hope OP hasn’t run away from this thread. I’ve reread some of the posters, it’s utterly disgusting how they laugh at her pain and ignore what she is trying to say.

paulinesmithson · 22/04/2023 07:55

i think it's ok unless he is being strangely secretive about it. I am bisexual so i would be annoyed if my partner prevented me from befriending absolutely anyone just because i had a chance to be attracted to them

toothachey · 22/04/2023 08:00

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I would have no issue with my DP having female friends but I would have an issue if he'd gone out of his way to have a secret female friend. If it's all above board and fine, why the need to keep it a secret? Given his history of affairs, I would view this as yet another betrayal of trust.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 22/04/2023 08:04

N02733 · 21/04/2023 22:27

The background is that he's had previous affairs and promised never to hurt me again

Well that's a massive drip feed.

If you have stayed with him after multiple affairs, then more fool you. You know what he's like, and yet you choose to stay.

LolaSmiles · 22/04/2023 08:07

It's fine to have female friends, but this isn't about him having female friends.

It's about a known cheater choosing to conceal a female friendships for several years, increasing the intimacy by hiding it, and then trying to use his mental health struggles as a get out of jail free card.

AgnesX · 22/04/2023 08:12

Scottishskifun · 21/04/2023 22:26

My DH has many female friends (probably more the blokes tbh) it depends on if you think its crossed the line. The fact he kept it quiet is a bit of a flag but does he have other female friends?

I'm not bothered by my DHs friends and he's not bothered that I have male friends because they are friends but we are very clear with each other

It seems to depend on the people involved. Some are capable and enjoy friendships of the opposite sex because that's their personality. Others aren't like that and that an opposite-sex friendship is a pre-cursor to something else.

I think background and culture also have a bearing on it.

BlackBarbies · 22/04/2023 08:58

onwardsup4 · 22/04/2023 05:27

Yawn ? Hardly drip feed the info about previous affairs took a whole ten minutes so what. If you're bored scroll to another thread instead of posting on it ? Just an idea . A friendship you keep secret from your partner for two years does not sound innocent to me .

Show quote history

Do you know what a drip feed is?

If you post a question saying ‘thoughts on husband having a female friend’ then guess what? People are going to give their thoughts on someone’s husband having a female friend. If you then add in that he’s had an affair in the past, that obviously makes things clearer and explains why there’s a level of distrust here.

The husband didn’t tell OP about his friendship with this woman because 1) he’s a dick, 2) he didn’t want the OP to leave him because he’s a manipulative arsehole and 3) he’s a dick. That’s very much a him problem. None of that suggests that the friendship is inappropriate. It seems he was hiding it for different reasons.

And where did I say I was bored? I know how to navigate a forum but thanks for the info

Freeme31 · 22/04/2023 09:07

Yes id be concerned. He didn't tell you because he didn't want to stop. He wanted you both in his life. Its an EA. Has he stopped now & looking for forgiveness ?

Famzonhol · 22/04/2023 09:08

Sounds like an EA. He sounds a bit weak more than anything else. Does he bring much to your life apart from worry OP?

IneedanewTV · 22/04/2023 09:09

N02733 · 21/04/2023 22:29

I've helped him through depression previously, stopped him from ending his life after he had an affair and now I find out he's been messaging someone else

You really should have said in your opening post that he has had affairs in the past. The replies would be very different.

philautia · 22/04/2023 09:20

Bit of a drip feed, but you're not unreasonable to be suspicious. Although I'd just be ending it as opposed to asking him to stop contact. He's cheater multiple times in the past, he emotionally manipulated you by threatening suicide (I would just have ignored this behaviour, he would not have followed through) resulting in you putting him first when he had hurt you.

The "good morning" text would do it for me weirdly - I never text anyone to say that apart from my partner if one of us is working away and I have a lot of close friends. IMO a good morning text implies intimacy.

Leave him. This will never end, there will always be another woman and another lie. He's learned that he can control you with threats and you genuinely seem to think he had depression.

Dweetfidilove · 22/04/2023 09:27

Did he not mention her because he knew he'd then have to get rid of her?

Dweetfidilove · 22/04/2023 09:30

Dweetfidilove · 22/04/2023 09:27

Did he not mention her because he knew he'd then have to get rid of her?

I see he's had an affair, so ignore this.

Just get rid. He doesn't sound worthy of all this angst.

Original poster
N02733 · 22/04/2023 09:49

To be fair, I'd never even heard of the term drip feed until yesterday on here. Its the first time I have posted and guess I thought this would be a good place to get open and honest feedback and i just needed somewhere to start or someone to talk to or get some constructive advice
Thank you to those posters who have tried to do this for me. I realise that posting a fuller picture at the beginning may have been better, I'm just so hurt and lost right now

OP posts:
CakeIsNotAvailable · 22/04/2023 09:50

No idea why everyone's focusing on the dripfeed. Regardless of the history of this relationship, a man having a female friend who he keeps completely secret from his wife is not on. It's not the friendship that's the issue, it's the secrecy. With the amount of contact between them, and the good morning text, this sounds like an emotional affair IMO.

My husband gets on well with a woman from work, and with a couple of women he sees at a hobby he does twice a week. He's never once kept them secret from me, and they message each other maybe once a fortnight - they're not sending "good morning" texts! That is what a non-threatening male/female friendship feels like. The friendship your husband has with this woman sounds like a threat to your marriage.

letthatmango · 22/04/2023 10:02

Oh shut up about ‘drip feed’. The empathic and kind thing to do is actually question and find out more, not right snarky, patronising comments and then backtrack using ‘drip feed’ as an excuse.

And anyone who has been in op shoes for a second knows that a secret friendship involving scheduled calls and morning greetings alone is a recipe for disaster.

letthatmango · 22/04/2023 10:02

Write…

Mumrunningsupporter · 22/04/2023 10:07

@N02733 you said something about him not wanting to tell you because he thought if he told you that you might leave him? What, so, he's happy to risk actually doing it but not happy to risk actually telling you?! That's crazy logic.

Carly366 · 22/04/2023 10:07

I can relate to you a lot. Myself and partner have a friend. She was first my friend and got to know my partner after. In last 4 weeks she was out one night and rang him 3 times to come out have few drinks.
Has rang him since a few times and also asked him down to see some work that was been done . Has contacted me once in 4 weeks. I’m just so mad and upset at her not him .
Do other women just not care or think of the other person.

Kickingupmerrybehaviour · 22/04/2023 10:08

Nope. Wouldn’t have that

Original poster
N02733 · 22/04/2023 10:13

Carly366 · 22/04/2023 10:07

I can relate to you a lot. Myself and partner have a friend. She was first my friend and got to know my partner after. In last 4 weeks she was out one night and rang him 3 times to come out have few drinks.
Has rang him since a few times and also asked him down to see some work that was been done . Has contacted me once in 4 weeks. I’m just so mad and upset at her not him .
Do other women just not care or think of the other person.

Sorry to hear this, it's so tough isn't it. I don't think people think about the consequences of their actions or the feelings of other people..I hope you are ok x

OP posts:
Mumrunningsupporter · 22/04/2023 10:15

It's so much easier to be that wonderful, supportive, interesting, funny, whatever person over messaging than it is in real life when you're having to deal with paying bills, cleaning the toilet, etc. I think that might go a long way to explaining why he's kept this secret friend to himself.
I think people who get involved with these secret friends who are message or online based are actually addicted to three things - the attention, the dopamine hit from receiving a message, and the false reality they create in their heads. Not much is actually about the person on the other end of the message.

Original poster
N02733 · 22/04/2023 10:20

Mumrunningsupporter · 22/04/2023 10:15

It's so much easier to be that wonderful, supportive, interesting, funny, whatever person over messaging than it is in real life when you're having to deal with paying bills, cleaning the toilet, etc. I think that might go a long way to explaining why he's kept this secret friend to himself.
I think people who get involved with these secret friends who are message or online based are actually addicted to three things - the attention, the dopamine hit from receiving a message, and the false reality they create in their heads. Not much is actually about the person on the other end of the message.

This is a really interesting view point actually. Thank you.
The reality of running a home, family etc is very different than fun messages. I guess I feel that I've done everything for him and the family and now feel let down. My husband and the lady had no intention of leaving their partners but did continue their friendship in secret. They said it had become a kind of habit to keep in touch.

OP posts:
Mumrunningsupporter · 22/04/2023 10:26

Of course you'll be feeling let down. That's completely understandable.
You probably feel like pointing out to him all the things you've been doing in the background while he's having fun messaging his secret friend.
Honestly, I think perhaps you do need to spell it out to him because he may have been taking you and everything you do, for granted.

DorisParchment · 22/04/2023 10:55

Well if he’s had multiple affairs (or even one) that puts a slightly different slant on it…

Swipe left for the next trending thread