Thoughts on husband having a female friend

[N02733]

I have just found out that my husband has been messaging a person that he met in an online game for the last 2 years. They have never met in person, but have weekly contact. He met her at a time when he had depression and have continued to be friends. He's agreed to stop the contact with her, but I don't know how to process this going forward. Thoughts?

Lack of trust is utterly corrosive. Secret friendships that deliberately take place out of sight of partners is lying by omission. Serial disloyalty to the marriage is terminal. Transferring online messaging to private phone numbers is escalating the intimacy.

I am hardline on this and make no apologies for being uncompromising on each of the four issues above.

get real, who wants some random woman texting your husband good morning before theyve even brushed their teeth
and the fact that he hid it makes this sound like an emotional affair
sorry OP

Wow these responses are nasty.

Pretty sure most people would feel hurt if their partner had been chatting with someone for 2 years and failed to mention it. Keeping it a secret implies something. It's wrong when in a long term committed relationship.

I would be upset. Especially since there has been previous cheating.

I'm honestly not sure how I would proceed in this situation. I think I would maybe be looking at ending things. The trust has gone surely?

OP to all intents and purposes this is another affair and he knows it, but you're struggling to accept it as that.

He agreed with her to keep each other secret, he knew if you found out you'd leave, he knew this was something to keep hidden. They chat and message everyday when you aren't around. That isn't normal.

I'm so sorry but this marriage is over.

*BTW my best friend is male, we message daily, including sometimes early morning and last thing at night ...... but my husband and his wife know, get mentioned in our chats, my phone isn't locked, his wife and I follow each other on SM. Men and women can be friends, there's no need to keep it secret.

I've helped him through depression previously, stopped him from ending his life after he had an affair and now I find out he's been messaging someone else
So he had an affair and still managed to become the victim. He certainly has your number.
What a manipulative twat 🙄

There's nothing wrong in what he's doing.

This is nuts. I have male and female friends my DH doesn’t know about. Why does he need to know? We don’t discuss anything that he would be remotely interested in. I have a close male friend that I often have drinks or dinner with. Sometimes I tell DH, sometimes I don’t. It’s no different from me having a drink or dinner with a female friend.

This. And also,

If I knew he was messaging someone else, he thought I would leave him and he didn't want to risk that

He didnt want to lose you as a wife dealing with all the crap if life he doesn't want to deal with.

if he didnt want to lose you as a wife because he loved and respected you, he wouldn't have stopped doing the thing he knew would make you leave, rather than hide it.

Have you had affair and then threatened to kill your self when your dh found out so he didnt leave?

Yawn ? Hardly drip feed the info about previous affairs took a whole ten minutes so what. If you're bored scroll to another thread instead of posting on it ? Just an idea . A friendship you keep secret from your partner for two years does not sound innocent to me .

This , keyboard warriors on the wine last nIght I imagine

I think the biggest issues is your husband being a cheat, not that he has a female friend.

My dh has female friends and I don't have any issues with it. But he never had an affair and he is not a liar.

I am sorry to be harsh, but I think you are being naive to stay with him.

I'm with SarahDippity.
It was the fact that they both agreed to keep their friendship from their spouse that alerted me to clear cheating behaviour.
It is not acceptable for non intimate friends or non work mates to text so regularly or so early in the morning. The husband has allowed the new friend within special boundaries and all in secret.

The on line relationship is not sustainable with a parallel loving, trusting marriage. You know how you feel; it is not a feeling of security. Trust your gut.

I mean you just need to break up by the sound of it. He cheated previously and he has since purposely hidden a relationship from you. Having female friends is fine, hiding phone calls and messages is not.

He clearly isn’t trustworthy.
Also - the depression thing is a bit of an aside in my opinion. Is he seeking treatment for it, making healthy lifestyle changes that will improve his mental health or is it only talking to random women in secret that helps?? Seems like a crap excuse to me.

Whether or not he's had previous affairs, i think it's odd, OP, and can see why you wouldn't be happy.

In a woman was messaging my husband first thing that I'd never heard of, knew they'd been talking for two years and he'd never mentioned her I'd hate it too

There's no problem with men having female friends. What is a problem is you feel you need to control his friendships, it's not right that you've banned him from speaking to a friend, this isn't healthy or normal. It's obviously because you can't trust him from his previous behaviour, that's the real issue. If you don't trust him why do you stay? It's probably time to evaluate if this is the right relationship for you.

Cheaters are going to cheat. It doesn’t matter who you stop them talking to, if they’re of a mind to cheat they will find someone to cheat with. All you can do is have firm boundaries and get rid if it happens, no second chances just give them the boot.

Ugh, "I don't want to lose you" is bullshit. If he is doing something he thinks will make you leave him, the obvious answer is to not do it, rather than do it but hide it from you!
I'd be really upset too OP. I think their friendship has crossed a line.

Oh seeetheart, you came on here for support and then got the usual cool wives coming out after a glass of wine talking nonsense. MN at its finest.

Without the news of his affair what this man was doing was a red flag. I would be absolutely fuming if my husband had a secret female friendship that involved sneaking calls and morning texts. It stinks of inappropriate at best and emotional affair at worst. It is selfish and entitled.

With the affair you have a whole new spin on this. From what you say it sounds as though you both rugswept his affair under the mental health crisis umbrella. What is clear is that he has not dug down to his reasons why he had an affair, (and marriage blaming or mental health excuses are not what I’m
talking about) his drives which led him to think he had a right to take your personal agency for a second time. Underneath it all I suspect this man’s need for validation and ego kibbles over rides his desire to keep you emotionally and mentally safe.

He kept this secret because he knew this was a line in the sand for you. HE was controlling the outcome I find it laughable that you’re the one being called controlling.

At it’s core he watched you break as he crawled out of his hole. He passed so much pain to you and for you to deal with (his affair his suicidal ideation, his mental health crisis) and STILL his needs come first.

Sorry but unless he makes huge changes it’s a LTB from me.

I would not like the secrecy aspect, having friends of the opposite sex would'nt bother me.

’Good morning’ texts are inappropriate, I guarantee he isn’t messaging his male friends just to say good morning.
the hiding it is the key, he knows it’s wrong or he’d be open about it. Also he obviously thinks that talking to this woman is worth risking his marriage for, as he says he thinks you’ll leave him for it yet he’s continued to be in inappropriate contact for two years!
she is absolutely not ‘just a friend’ to your husband and never has been.
fuck this guy, it’s only a matter of time before he’s having yet another affair, next time maybe physical.

OP some posters are being a bit snarky about your unease. I really hope this is just a friendship but if it makes you feel uncomfortable in your marriage you have the right to say so and don't override your instinct just because people might make you feel embarrassed or like you're being possessive.
My husband had a female friend online throughout the pandemic. She was someone he'd known for a long time and had at times been a colleague; both freelance and in a similar situation work-wise. I noticed the increasing mentions of contact with her. Every time I wondered I had to shake myself and remind myself this was my husband who I loved and trusted and that I was completely secure and it isn't unreasonable for him to have a female friend.
Turns out they had an, initially emotional, ultimately physical affair. In 2021, he spent 7 weeks telling me we'd grown apart and he wanted to move out for some 'space'. Then I found out he was sleeping with her and she'd left her husband. Our marriage exploded, he moved out, he's now in a full blow relationship with her, takes our kids off for holidays with her and he and I don't have a shred of trust or friendship left.
Hopefully in your case it's something innocent. But remember people don't always race into affairs. It can start with friendship and gradually become more and more ever so slightly inappropriate. My soon-to-be-ex has husband still had an image of himself as a good man and a kind person and still won't really take responsibility for the fact he betrayed me. Remember instead of coming clean about wanting to leave for his new relationship he hid it from me and was sneaky about the reason why. He had become very comfortable with not being straight.
If it makes you feel uncomfortable nip it in the bud.

Well thaf needed to be said in the OP. Marriage over.

Why did you keep taking him back for after he kept having affairs? I mean come on OP, where is your self respect?

Wow! Some of the posts on here are so catty.