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Original poster

Thoughts on husband having a female friend

119 replies

N02733 · 21/04/2023 22:17

I have just found out that my husband has been messaging a person that he met in an online game for the last 2 years. They have never met in person, but have weekly contact. He met her at a time when he had depression and have continued to be friends. He's agreed to stop the contact with her, but I don't know how to process this going forward. Thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
N02733 · 21/04/2023 22:57

But they call each other and chat in the week, hidden from their partners

OP posts:
Caramc20 · 21/04/2023 23:00

Yanbu! He’s been in regular contact with a woman he met online for two years without telling you! She is so familiar she texts him good morning!

He doesn’t sound like a keeper. Sounds like he’s been having an emotional affair and he’s cheated on you in the past. Sounds like a complete waste of space tbh. Use this as the catalyst to get rid of him!

Original poster
N02733 · 21/04/2023 23:02

Thank you for your response..I was actually feeling really anxious and upset today and wanted to post this to get opinions and honest thoughts. He said that he didn't tell.me because he didn't want to lose me. Me and the kids are his world he said. If I knew he was messaging someone else, he thought I would leave him and he didn't want to risk that. He met the online friend at a similar time he had the affair. The affair ended with person A, but he kept the contact with the online friend. They call each other in the day and message when their partners aren't around

OP posts:
Original poster
N02733 · 21/04/2023 23:15

It was actually for me and very upsetting to find a woman feeling so familiar that she could message at that time. I find your response very rude.

OP posts:
5128gap · 21/04/2023 23:15

In all honesty this just sounds like the latest in a whole series of complications in your relationship. An affair, mental health issues so severe he has suicidal ideation and now a secret on line friendship. This situation sounds very unstable and unpredictable, and in that context its impossible to say whether this might be something else to worry about. He sounds very fragile and a loose cannon, and you sound like you've lost all confidence in him to behave in a typical way. If you're not already I'd suggest you get counselling as this is a small part if a big problem.

Cazareeto1 · 21/04/2023 23:16

N02733 · 21/04/2023 23:02

Thank you for your response..I was actually feeling really anxious and upset today and wanted to post this to get opinions and honest thoughts. He said that he didn't tell.me because he didn't want to lose me. Me and the kids are his world he said. If I knew he was messaging someone else, he thought I would leave him and he didn't want to risk that. He met the online friend at a similar time he had the affair. The affair ended with person A, but he kept the contact with the online friend. They call each other in the day and message when their partners aren't around

The fact he knows it would damage your trust and relationship he knew he is in the wrong. Especially after an affair, I wouldn’t trust his every word either. Keep strong and have space to come to terms with your feelings and weight out the good and bad and what will work for you and kids best.

Cazareeto1 · 21/04/2023 23:17

N02733 · 21/04/2023 23:15

It was actually for me and very upsetting to find a woman feeling so familiar that she could message at that time. I find your response very rude.

Especially after an affair I would also be extremely unhappy and uncomfortable with another woman other than family txting at that time in the morning to say good morning… there are lines that have been crossed do not dout yourself or your feelings on this.

PickleOfAConundrum · 21/04/2023 23:19

I'd be more annoyed on the fact why your husband didn't tell you about her in the first place and not so much she's a female. My husband has loads of female mates he messages as I have male mates he knows about. We are both not the jealous type so it's not an issue but it would be if he was secretive about it then I'd be worried.

MMMarmite · 21/04/2023 23:20

I'm usually a big defender of having opposite sex friends, speaking as a single woman who would like to still be allowed to be friends with people of both genders.

But speaking on the phone weekly and never once mentioning her to you is a secretive emotional affair. You're absolutely right.

MMMarmite · 21/04/2023 23:21

If I had a close male friend who'd never mentioned my existence to his wife, I would think it utterly weird of him. You don't keep someone a secret unless there's a reason for it.

Yellowdays · 21/04/2023 23:22

I think he's dodgy and you can't trust him. YANBU.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 21/04/2023 23:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

namechangeasparanoid · 21/04/2023 23:31

He didn't want to risk his family by telling you but he did the messaging all the same.

I don't like this for you and would feel the same.

Original poster
N02733 · 21/04/2023 23:49

When you've been married for 17 years, I don't think it's unreasonable to know who your partners friends are. I would assume talking about your day to day conversations and friends would be normal to be honest

OP posts:
Original poster
N02733 · 21/04/2023 23:50

Thank you, I just feel quite lost

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 21/04/2023 23:50

5128gap · 21/04/2023 23:15

In all honesty this just sounds like the latest in a whole series of complications in your relationship. An affair, mental health issues so severe he has suicidal ideation and now a secret on line friendship. This situation sounds very unstable and unpredictable, and in that context its impossible to say whether this might be something else to worry about. He sounds very fragile and a loose cannon, and you sound like you've lost all confidence in him to behave in a typical way. If you're not already I'd suggest you get counselling as this is a small part if a big problem.

This is a great post.

Of course, all the earlier responses were perfectly valid from the information you gave in the OP . Drip feeding all sorts of complications into the thread afterwards, generally just winds up people who have answered the original question

Original poster
N02733 · 21/04/2023 23:56

Thank you. You are right, there has been a catalogue of things and I just felt so lost tonight which is why I posted. I have supported him through so much and in general am a strong person who gets on with things, looks after the kids, dog, house and work too. Under normal circumstances, having a friend of the opposite sex is absolutely fine, it's more the fact he's hidden it for so long. He said that it's platonic and I can see where he is coming from if she helped him when he is in a dark place. After the affair, I gave him the opportunity to start again and let me know of anything that I needed to know. He thought that if he told me then I would leave him (which I would have at that time) and he didn't want to risk losing me then.

OP posts:
Original poster
N02733 · 21/04/2023 23:56

So yes, I have signed up to counselling today. Feeling very scared and nervous

OP posts:
Doversole7 · 22/04/2023 00:05

I don’t want to sound harsh OP but would the fuck are you still doing this with idiot. He is completely taking the piss out of you.

Original poster
N02733 · 22/04/2023 00:06

But would it be a concern if they exchanged numbers from the game and then messaged and called through the week when their partners were at work and kept it's secret. This is the part I'm struggling with

OP posts:
whatsyourpoison13 · 22/04/2023 00:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ as it was the work of a previously banned poster.

Oneglassisnotenough · 22/04/2023 00:08

Chrispackhamspoodle · 21/04/2023 22:26

Actually I'd find the early good morning inappropriate and that he hasnt mentioned her to you.I get it Op.I'd feel uncomfortable too.

Yeah me too. I agree

Original poster
N02733 · 22/04/2023 00:11

UsingChangeofName · 21/04/2023 23:50

This is a great post.

Of course, all the earlier responses were perfectly valid from the information you gave in the OP . Drip feeding all sorts of complications into the thread afterwards, generally just winds up people who have answered the original question

Show quote history

Thank you and much appreciated. Its my first post and think I just needed somewhere to start

OP posts:
PickleOfAConundrum · 22/04/2023 00:20

I feel for you OP and I can sense this is eating you up. Its not that he had a female friend, it's he wasn't honest in telling you in the first place so not to lose you but by not telling you he was taking that chance on if you found out it would be so much worse and the chances of losing you at an all time high. Even though she is a friend who helped him at a dark time in his life and nothing is going on between them the question is the trust is broken because he wasn't open and honest in the first place your going to doubt if anything else he says is honest. Its a question you need to ask yourself OP. Can you trust him again not to keep anything else from you to spare your feelings when all in all its best to just be open and honest!

MysteryBelle · 22/04/2023 00:46

There’s no trust, because he’s not trustworthy. And he threatens to kill himself if you leave him which means he guilts you into staying and he gets to do whatever he pleases. Manipulative. I hope you and your children get away from him. You deserve a partner on your level and he’s way down in the bottom stratum.