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Original poster

From Perfect Match to Friendzoned

35 replies

Sproutycakes18 · 21/04/2023 10:15

Hoping someone can make sense of the this situation because it's done my head in...

I'm a 32 year old female, at the end of January I went on a date with a lovely guy who made out that I was everything he was looking for... I've never had any luck with relationships and really thought I'd found 'The One' with him, I've only ever had one relationship and that was abusive...

February time I asked if I could be his girlfriend and he replied that he didn't have time for a relationship right now. I explicitly asked him if there was a future for 'us' and gave me the impression there was. We carried on in a FwB setup, me thinking this was the sort of compromise until he had the time for something more.

Fast forward to the weekend just gone and he's dropped the bombshell that he's been dating someone else and only ever saw me as a friend but apparently still fancies me. The stress of dealing with this has made me ill on and off all week because I genuinely cannot see how what we had can be described as just a friendship and why I went from being his perfect match to suddenly unsuitable.

I then went about FB stalking the new woman (I know... Should't have gone there) however, he first took her on a date on the 11th March, a day or two after that I'd had a pregnancy scare with him. His response to that scare was 'It's not the right time to bring a child into our situation.' The horror of realising he was dating someone else while still sleeping with me and not exactly saying I don't want a baby with you, has completely messed with my head.

He's refusing to discuss why I suddenly went from perfect to friendzoned so I feel like I can't get the closure to move on. The one thing we both always said about what we had, that we both loved, was that we were open and honest with each other. But after all this I feel completely deceived and almost like I don't know who he really is anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sproutycakes18 · 21/04/2023 12:16

MMmomDD · 21/04/2023 12:07

@Sproutycakes18

Counselling takes time and effort. And a good counsellor too. It can help you figure out what makes you enter in unhealthy relationships and how to avoid it.

If you don’t want to do it - you at least need to think about what you can learn from this experience.

Do you have friends that can help and support you?

I think I had about 6 sessions in total, they were via the NHS...

I've got a friend coming round tonight and she's a qualified CBT therapist with interests in psychology so she might be able to shed some light.

OP posts:
Mortenharkettsgirl · 21/04/2023 12:37

Dear Sproutycakes
I am sorry you have been left disappointed by this sub standard man. I know you are mourning what you thought was a real connection with him. If you reframe it, what you thought you has, never really existed. In essence, nothing was lost and there is nothing to pine after. When somebody shows you who they are- believe them. This man is self centred, manipulative, unprincipled and dishonourable. He is not worth one of your tears.
You are 32 years young- but a pup!! Never settle for anyone who is not absolutely crazy about you and demonstrates it in word and deed. This guy was wishy washy from the outset..The very best to you and I hope your CBT friend can be of help to you tonight. Love and light to you..

Original poster
Sproutycakes18 · 21/04/2023 12:50

Mortenharkettsgirl · 21/04/2023 12:37

Dear Sproutycakes
I am sorry you have been left disappointed by this sub standard man. I know you are mourning what you thought was a real connection with him. If you reframe it, what you thought you has, never really existed. In essence, nothing was lost and there is nothing to pine after. When somebody shows you who they are- believe them. This man is self centred, manipulative, unprincipled and dishonourable. He is not worth one of your tears.
You are 32 years young- but a pup!! Never settle for anyone who is not absolutely crazy about you and demonstrates it in word and deed. This guy was wishy washy from the outset..The very best to you and I hope your CBT friend can be of help to you tonight. Love and light to you..

Thank you for your kind words x

OP posts:
SimoneSimone · 21/04/2023 13:51

I wouldn't be surprised if this worm of a guy contacts you in the future for hook ups. You deserve better and have dodged a bullet, well done.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 21/04/2023 14:13

I’m really sorry, but you were never ‘perfect’. He just wanted to keep shagging you until he found someone else.

It’s a horrible thing. Bin, block, move on.

IsAGirlMumma · 21/04/2023 14:28

From an outsider looking in, it honestly looks as you've had "rose tinted glasses" on.

Not having time for a gf.. just means he doesn't want one. If you we're perfect for him, he would make the time. And want a gf.

Tabby87 · 21/04/2023 14:42

He used you for three months. Block him, leave him alone and be less naive in future.

You also sound far too intense. You barely know him.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 21/04/2023 14:52

There's no nice way of saying this OP, but I've learned through the years that when someone says "I don't have time for a relationship right now" what they almost always mean is "I don't have time for a relationship with you."

Sometimes they say it because they are people pleasers and want to "let you down gently" or avoid an awkward conversation. But sometimes, like with this man, it's so they can keep you on the back burner for a no-strings easy shag. Fine if that suits you both! But you'd been honest about your desire for a committed relationship, so it was a dick move for him to keep you around and dangle the "maybe in the future...." carrot.

I hope you feel better soon OP and you can turn this into an experience that you can grow stronger through. Good luck with your friend tonight. I think a good therapist could really benefit you.

Londontoderby · 21/04/2023 15:10

unfortunately men say what you want to hear, even if they don’t mean it. It’s always for their own gain too (so he could continue to sleep with you).

It can be shocking the lies people come out with and that they have no regard for other peoples feelings, but it’s the truth’s

Watchkeys · 21/04/2023 16:06

He's refusing to discuss why I suddenly went from perfect to friendzoned so I feel like I can't get the closure to move on

Closure isn't something you get from someone else. It's you're own mindset. You are the one who gives it to yourself.

You're trying to work out the mindset of someone who works differently to you. Why? Why would you want to understand someone who was comfortable treating someone the way he's treated you? Why do you think you should understand that? It's just shit.

Closure is saying to yourself 'Well, he's proven himself to be someone I don't want to waste any more time and energy on, I'm going to get on with my life without giving him any more thought.' And that's it. Catch yourself thinking about him, think about something else. I used the Postman Pat song to distract myself from mine. I sang it every time my ex came into my head. After a while, it became habit to stop the 'ex' thoughts as soon as they came, and then they stopped coming at all.

Take charge. It's your mind.

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