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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband isn't in love with me

103 replies

thisisme2023 · 20/04/2023 13:30

I've been married for 25 years and have two teenagers. My husband told me a couple of weeks ago that he's not in love with me anymore and he's not sure what to do.
We discussed him moving out but ultimately decided he would stay and we would try to work on things.
Historically we argued a lot but we haven't had a crossed word since the chat.
We had a catch up today and he's still feeling the same, saying he wants to give it more time but doesn't think things will change and he will have to move out soon.
He has assured me there isn't another woman and I believe him.
I don't know what to do. I'm a SAHM, haven't worked for 17 years so I know it would be impossible to get a decent paid job. I feel so stupid because I've supported him all these years so he now earns in excess of 250k with great future prospects.

How do I navigate this time? Should I give it more time or accept he just doesn't love me anymore?

OP posts:
Susieb2023 · 20/04/2023 19:37

I really hate to join the chant but there will be another woman, she will be lurking in the background. This is the script.

While he’s busy trying to cover his tracks and playing victim of ‘falling out of love’ get yourself legal advice. Start to take copies of the financial information and get together the bits you need.

If (as many of us suspect) OW is just around the corner you are NOT dealing with the man you think you know. His current state of mind could change at any point.

Do not trust a word he says, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Susieb2023 · 20/04/2023 19:38

Morewineplease10 · 20/04/2023 18:04

Sod off with the 'avoiding bitterness' posts.
OP is entitled to have feelings which will include bitterness at some point!

Ffs.

And absolutely this!!!!! ‘Avoiding bitterness’ posts are always so patronising!

tatteddear · 20/04/2023 19:48

Well the good news is that if he earns 250k he will be paying you a whopping amount of maintenance.

That's the only good news I'm sorry to say but it isn't nothing.

You need to get the proverbial MN ducks in a row. See a solicitor.

You also need some counselling to get your head around it.

It's awful OP and I do feel for you-but you will come through in the end-lots of us here have been where you are now, absolutely broken, and come out the other side, different and in lots of cases stronger. Take care of yourself x

hotpotlover · 20/04/2023 19:53

There's definitely another woman. If you're not a completely horrible person, married men almost never leave without having somewhere to go to. They like the comforts of marriage too much.

I'm sorry you're going through this xx

TheExchange · 20/04/2023 20:08

You need to take control, tell him to leave and your only contact will be via solicitors. Make this real for him.

Mumsday · 20/04/2023 20:24

Daisiesandprimroses · 20/04/2023 16:10

You just see them separately on different occasions.

Show quote history

That’s not how it tends to work unfortunately. You will lose some friends but you will also make some new ones.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 20/04/2023 20:28

Im really sorry
but as you move into survival mode you need to get busy my lovely
(1) thinking about work like NOW
there are always jobs for people who want to work
(2) seeing a good Soliciter

im sorry this must utterly suck (understatement )

but stay strong and keep moving forward

And make no assumptions about what you will or won’t get until you see a solicitor x

Yummymummy2020 · 20/04/2023 20:43

Awful op for you just awful. Everyone is right saying get your ducks in a row. You deserve more than this and more than him. Let him go on his way. Get the counselling, you will move on from this.

Thefaceofboe · 20/04/2023 20:47

Gwt your ducks in a row. Go to a solicitor. And take him to the cleaners

honestly I find comments like this disgusting. Take him to the cleaners? I’m so sorry this has happened to the OP, but these things happen and people are allowed to leave a marriage if that’s what they want.

redbusbeepbeep · 20/04/2023 20:53

Really odd behaviour when strangers on the internet are trying to convince another stranger that their husband has OW, with absolutely no evidence from the OP to suggest this. She has said she believes him, why are people being so harsh to the husband when the OP hasn’t said a bad word about him?

Smilelikeyourewinning · 20/04/2023 21:34

redbusbeepbeep · 20/04/2023 20:53

Really odd behaviour when strangers on the internet are trying to convince another stranger that their husband has OW, with absolutely no evidence from the OP to suggest this. She has said she believes him, why are people being so harsh to the husband when the OP hasn’t said a bad word about him?

I'm assuming you have some experience in these types ogmf circumstances?

redbusbeepbeep · 20/04/2023 21:35

@Smilelikeyourewinning sorry?

Daisiesandprimroses · 20/04/2023 21:39

redbusbeepbeep · 20/04/2023 21:35

@Smilelikeyourewinning sorry?

So that’s a no rhen?

Smilelikeyourewinning · 20/04/2023 21:48

redbusbeepbeep · 20/04/2023 21:35

@Smilelikeyourewinning sorry?

Sorry finger slipped hence the typo.
To be clear, what I meant redbus was this. Have been in this situation yourself? i.e. Do you speak from experience?

TheExchange · 20/04/2023 21:52

The I don’t love you or I love you but I’m not in love with you is page one of The Script. There is always another woman, maybe not a relationship, it could be the H is attracted to someone and it’s made him think he wants someone different for the rest of his life.
What the OP must not do is the pick me dance.

ejbaxa · 20/04/2023 22:35

redbusbeepbeep · 20/04/2023 20:53

Really odd behaviour when strangers on the internet are trying to convince another stranger that their husband has OW, with absolutely no evidence from the OP to suggest this. She has said she believes him, why are people being so harsh to the husband when the OP hasn’t said a bad word about him?

The evidence is what he’s said - that he isn’t in love with the OP.

Well, if he is simply not in love after 25 years when he has a kid doing GCSEs and there are no other problems, then he just needs to grow up and prioritise his child at this stressful time.

Thing is, reason why he isn’t in love with the op is because there is an OW somewhere who he thinks he is in love with. It’s not called the script for fun. It’s a pattern of behaviour and it likely indicates OW, that’s why people are saying it.

People keep saying it to the OP to help her, so she is not going into this shit show blind.

HufflePuffllePuff · 21/04/2023 00:44

Of course there's an OW! This now high earning guy has had a wife providing all his home comforts for 25 years. It's doubtful he would give that up to start doing his own washing and cooking unless there was something more exciting in the offing!

Return2thebasic · 21/04/2023 00:53

I'd have more respect to him if he had told the truth. But he didn't.

Agree with others. Men don't just suddenly decided to walk out of a marriage. But there's nothing you could do to change it.

But you do need to stop blaming yourself. Not your fault. Just accept you need to separate this man from your world and see him as a different person who has his own interest (which is not yours). Protect yourself and fight for what you deserve, after so many years of sacrifices.

He will put himself first before you. You need to bear that in mind without being too eager to please or too keen to maintain your image (not fighting hard enough).

Hugs.... It will all pass. Keep your faith intact, no matter how hard things look like.

ChrisTrepidation · 21/04/2023 07:39

There isn't always another woman.

My husband walked out on me and our very small DC. There was no OW. He just found family life "too hard" and genuinely preferred to moulder in a filthy flat alone instead!

MaxTalk · 21/04/2023 13:16

Never understood why people financially rely on others.

Not good for self esteem or your broader skillset.

MaxTalk · 21/04/2023 13:17

ChrisTrepidation · 21/04/2023 07:39

There isn't always another woman.

My husband walked out on me and our very small DC. There was no OW. He just found family life "too hard" and genuinely preferred to moulder in a filthy flat alone instead!

Indeed. Maybe he is just not in love with his wife. It can be nothing more than that.

I love how people jump to conclusions.

HelpMeGetThrough · 21/04/2023 13:35

NCforthis123456 · 20/04/2023 13:42

OP - there is another woman. Married men don't just walk out of a family home set up for no reason, they just don't.

This isn't true. My brother did 23 years ago, there was no other woman and hasn't been since. He has been on his own.

Sittwritt · 21/04/2023 22:50

Of course it’s another woman for this pity full man. But it’s not because you’re not worthy. It’s him. He needs to be told he’s worthy and he actually believes that bull st his foolish old age, the idiot. Sounds like the pay packet may post a part in that attraction. I love the way he puts it down to you being part of the problem.

Listrn you have nothing to be ashamed or nor sad about. You have 50% of ALL marital assets and savings and his 25 years of pension. Let him find out how crap it all is. He doesn’t own his family home. Without you he’s half a man, literally, and it’s just as well he earns because he’s gonna need it.

Grab as much as you can because step mummy will not look out for your kids that’s for sure. Don’t be sentimental. Play understanding but seek lawyer pronto.

Sittwritt · 21/04/2023 22:52

Oh and don’t hide it from friend either. Let him have a public fall from grace. Repeat his statements as they are worded. Let him fall from grace, you won’t regret it.

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