My husband isn't in love with me

[thisisme2023]

I've been married for 25 years and have two teenagers. My husband told me a couple of weeks ago that he's not in love with me anymore and he's not sure what to do.
We discussed him moving out but ultimately decided he would stay and we would try to work on things.
Historically we argued a lot but we haven't had a crossed word since the chat.
We had a catch up today and he's still feeling the same, saying he wants to give it more time but doesn't think things will change and he will have to move out soon.
He has assured me there isn't another woman and I believe him.
I don't know what to do. I'm a SAHM, haven't worked for 17 years so I know it would be impossible to get a decent paid job. I feel so stupid because I've supported him all these years so he now earns in excess of 250k with great future prospects.

How do I navigate this time? Should I give it more time or accept he just doesn't love me anymore?

So sorry you're going through this. But unfortunately I agree with most. men do not just leave for no reason because they are a little unsure of what to do.

My husband told me a couple of weeks ago that he's not in love with me anymore and he's not sure what to do.
He has had his head turned, perhaps an emotional affair if not physical, but he thinks it might have potential. Thats the 'not sure what to do part'. In order to find that out, he has to rewrite history a little bit and tell himself he doesn't love you anymore and he deserves to be happy. But also needs you to feel sorry for him.

We discussed him moving out but ultimately decided he would stay and we would try to work on things.
He doesn't want to move out (see the men do not leave without a good reason statement). He thought about it, but has likely decided to stay put and see where his little endeavour is actually heading. Doesn't want to shoot himself in the foot, does he. He won't try to work on things (with you), he hopes though to keep things amicable and you friendly.

Historically we argued a lot but we haven't had a crossed word since the chat.
You're now on your 'best behaviour' I imagine. Not being confrontational about things you otherwise would, before knowing he was 'thinking' of moving out?

We had a catch up today and he's still feeling the same, saying he wants to give it more time but doesn't think things will change and he will have to move out soon.
Things are looking promising with the OW. He just needs to sort the logistics and make sure he is certain about it all. He needs a bit more time to do that.

He has assured me there isn't another woman and I believe him.
Did you ask him outright? I'm not sure there is a man on the planet would admit it as soon as they are asked. If he swore on your dc lives there wasn't another woman, there absolutely very likely is. If he was the one to bring it up, there 100% is.

I don't know what to do. I'm a SAHM, haven't worked for 17 years so I know it would be impossible to get a decent paid job. I feel so stupid because I've supported him all these years so he now earns in excess of 250k with great future prospects.
You speak to a solicitor asap. He knows this will be a nightmare for him fanancially, which is why he hasn't just upped and left. And which is why he is very likely playing the nice guy right now, possibly moping about and having you feel sorry for him.

How do I navigate this time? Should I give it more time or accept he just doesn't love me anymore?
He has sort of made it clear he doesn't need more time to work on your marriage. He just needs more time to move out. personally I'd take that choice away and tell him if he isn't sure he goes now. If hes leaving you and the kids, he goes now.

Unfortunately he likely is streets ahead of you on this. He would of been thinking about this for months before you even had any idea something was wrong. Hes currently calling all the shots. I'd be starting to call a few of my own and the first would be to not be accommodating to his needs right now. Put your own first.

And please read the script. So you're prepared for the next stage, as that is even more of an emotional nightmare and head wreck.

Good luck and please speak to someone in real life who can support you.

From observation men don't leave unless they have a substitute on the horizon. Sorry to be blunt but that does seem to be the case in all the break ups I have seen. Seek legal advice and get info together about your finances. You need to be practical while he's whittling on about his feelings, or lack of them. I know you are devastated, but please try to act rationally and practically, don't let him trick you into feeling sorry for him. He's the one whose changed his mind, not you.

It's not just my bil, though. I'm sure that both for men and women, the commonest reason for leaving is another person. Or at least another person as opened their eyes to how unhappy their marriage is. But it's wrong to say that married men just@ don't leave unless a woman is involved.

My dad said this, my ex husband said this, thousands of men say this....there is another woman.

I work full time but my mum had been a SAHM for 32 years with part time jobs to fit around us and my dad's career. She fought for and won half of my dad's very large pension. Get advice ASAP and don't be fobbed off. My dad offered my mum an amount that sounded OK but was pittance compared to what she was owed.

"He says that he will always financially support me but let's be honest that won't last long will it?"
THIS
Would make me believe there is another women, this screams guilt. Sorry buti would ask him to leave and act like it is over, even if you don't want it to be. Playing hard to get might be the only way to snap him back to reality.

There will be another woman. There nearly always is.

I know several men who left when there was no one else

you’re not entitled to 50%
you are entitled to a fair share which could be more could be less

you have long marriage
high earning husband
you are currently sahm

you need to understand what assets there are available to split and what you need ie housing , spousal for a period to allow you to find full time employment, share of pension

you will be likely be expected to work

see a solicitor

BTW.Mine said there was no other woman and it turns out he's shagging one of the school mums.
Took me almost 18 months to find out after someone caught them.
He still denies an affair or cheating. Says it happened after the separation 😆
Offers of generous financial support are guilt offerings. Take them and some.

All of this. Let him walk then start divorce proceedings.

I would start considering what employment is right for you. Depending on what you did before kids, there are women returners programs you may be able to get on. You will almost certainly not be living to the standard you were before, but now is the time to brush it on skills.

This is indeed the script as others have said.

There is 99% sure to be another woman.

Please, please take this on board. It is very unlikely that there isn't another woman.

Some bitter (or previously hurt) people here! Can’t say he definitely has another woman. There could be other reasons he wants to split up, he could be secretly depressed and has convinced himself he doesn’t love her, that does happen. Or it could be lots of other reasons. Or yes, it could be another woman. And those people saying he will try and hide money, yes some men would do, but the majority wouldn’t, they would be fair and reasonable financially to the woman they had been married to for 25 years.

Thank you for your replies, I've been looking at corporate women's return to work schemes but it is all just so daunting when I've been out of work for so long.
I'll speak to a solicitor and get any agreement formalised.
The frustrating thing is also that I still love him so much, that I just don't want him to leave.... totally appreciate I sound like an idiot saying this but when we said our marriage vows, I actually meant them.
Also, as we've been together forever our lives are completely together. Who gets all our friends?
I feel totally embarrassed and so awkward.

No he won’t always financially support you unless a court forces it. He’s just saying it now to assuage the Guilt

and yes there is someone else. But that’s nit why he’s leaving, she’s just who he is going to.

Exactly the advice I'd give

You just see them separately on different occasions.

Another woman. See a solicitor and make sure you get all you can from him

It's really really hard. I still love him 18 months later and we are now divorced. Finances sorted.
Despite the fact he's shagging my daughter's friends mum from school.
I don't know the answer to stop those feelings. I'm about to start counselling for a 2nd time.
Be kind to yourself -there is no correct timescale to grieve your marriage.
I've lost a whole bunch of friends but have a tighter bunch who are standing firm with me. Most of our mutual friends are his and seem to have swallowed his version of events. Sorry.

I'm sorry, but this is naïve.

If there were other reasons/he had problems, he could state what they were. The absence of them, coupled with the "I'm not in love with you" indicates the presence of an OW.

The next stage of the script is to deny, deny, deny. Even previously honest men will deny until there is 100% proof - even then, some will continue to deny.

Re finances, previously reasonable people who promise to not fuck you over financially will still end up doing so.

Please be careful OP. I hope for your sake that Notamum12345577 is right, but the chances of that are slim.

Firstly, it's pretty much irrelevant whether there's another woman or not. The fact is, deep down, you do not want to be with a man who doesn't love you. That way madness lies.

So the marriage is over. Take control. Be angry, but also be calm. You owe him nothing.

50-50 of all assets is just the starting point. A divorce should leave you broadly equal so you may get more based on earning potential. Speak to a solicitor asap.

Good luck OP. Your much happier future awaits. x

I would accept it and start pursuing whatever you need to do legally to get everything you are entitled to.

Another woman will appear down the line so you need to sort this as quick as you can while his guilt is still high.

"My husband told me a couple of weeks ago that he's not in love with me anymore and he's not sure what to do."

Ahh, the classic.

The marriage is done. Your husband has eyes for someone else - to be revealed later.
Protect your own interests, and look after yourself.

Whether there's another woman or not is irrelevant really, your marriage seems to be over which is sad for you all.

If he's not in a rush then you just need to take things slow and steady and follow the Mumsnet path - collect financial information and lawyer up. I assume you as a couple are pretty financially comfortable, and you will certainly be entitled to at least half the marital assets, and maybe even a few years of spousal maintenance.

Firstly, it's pretty much irrelevant whether there's another woman or not. The fact is, deep down, you do not want to be with a man who doesn't love you. That way madness lies.

it sure does but you’d be surprised rhe amount of woman that are desperate to stay with a bloke who doesn’t love them, and wish to stay for the money and lifestyle . I’d really not assume she doesn’t wish to be with him if he doesn’t love her.

All this focus on ‘the other woman’. Is the reason he is leaving relevant really? He’s entitled to leave for whatever reason he wants. As indeed is she.

OP I’m really sorry this is happening to you. Have you suggested couples counselling? That might give you an indication of how serious he is about working on it. If he isn’t interested, do speak to someone yourself.

It’s hard being out of the workforce for so long but lots of employers appreciate the steadiness of an older woman. You have skills you don’t even know yet. Start looking around ~ a job may help you restore that self esteem.

Avoiding bitterness is the best gift you can give your teenagers (which is why I find all this other woman focus distracting). Explain together that people move on and change and try to have a healthy mindset for them.

Of course get financial advice ~ a clear picture of that will remove some of the stress.

I wish you well.