My husband isn't in love with me

[thisisme2023]

I've been married for 25 years and have two teenagers. My husband told me a couple of weeks ago that he's not in love with me anymore and he's not sure what to do.
We discussed him moving out but ultimately decided he would stay and we would try to work on things.
Historically we argued a lot but we haven't had a crossed word since the chat.
We had a catch up today and he's still feeling the same, saying he wants to give it more time but doesn't think things will change and he will have to move out soon.
He has assured me there isn't another woman and I believe him.
I don't know what to do. I'm a SAHM, haven't worked for 17 years so I know it would be impossible to get a decent paid job. I feel so stupid because I've supported him all these years so he now earns in excess of 250k with great future prospects.

How do I navigate this time? Should I give it more time or accept he just doesn't love me anymore?

Some very good advice here. I agree men generally don't give up on a marriage without a replacement in line. He has had his head turned by someone and you are collateral damage. Get everything your entitled to. Don't agree to anything without first running it by your lawyer. Get as much paperwork as you can. Remember he is not your friend anymore and his lawyer will be advising him on how to protect his assets. Don't cover for him, let ppl know he is ending the marriage.

Most men do not leave unless they have someone else to go to.

He earns £250k now so he deserves someone a bit more exciting than someone he’s been married to for 25 years poor man.
At least he’s a high earner. How old are the children?
Don’t be the boring, dependable back up sitting there just in case he changes his mind.

😆😆 great autocorrect

Its another woman sorry to say. Get your ducks in a row. So sorry

I'm not sure this is good advice but maybe don't rush into a job until further down the line when finances are sorted. You've sacrificed your career for his and you deserve to be supported appropriately if the marriage ends.

Believe it or not OP people can fall out of love. I did with my xdh and there was no one else involved. In fact, I cared about him, still do, but couldn't see the rest of my life with him.
Ultimately, PPs may be right and there may well be someone else. But the 'whys' right now don't matter, as the end is ultimately the same. If indeed he follows through with this.
Give him the space he wants. Start thinking about yourself, how to protect yourself, financially, emotionally, the lot.
Don't beg, don't plead. But do lay your cards on the table. Tell him you won't live with uncertainty. That's not fair. He needs to make his decision. You are not a maybe. Then, and only then can you move forward, however that looks.

OP this is the moment in your life that will shape the next 10, 20 or even more years of yours and your children’s lives. Financially and emotionally. Please think about yourself in 10 years time looking back at this moment and imagine what you’d have wanted your ‘past’ version to have done. So there will be no regrets that you didn’t fight hard enough because of trying to keep peace and gently hoping that he’d change his mind.
secure your future now - copy everything you can, see a very good lawyer and crucially, don’t tell your husband what you’re doing , you need to be ahead so he can’t manipulate the situation.

I wish you all the best

I know your thinking “well mumsnet I know him better than all of you and I really don’t think there is another woman”.

Im telling you, there is another woman.
Sorry you’re going through this, it’s about to get very very shit for you. X

My husband told me a couple of weeks ago that he's not in love with me anymore and he's not sure what to do

Oh he's sure alright, he's just softening you up for the final blow.

He now needs to get out and get on with it then, not bother your head about it. I guarantee that whilst you're fretting, he's been planning. I'd have cleared out joint account the same night, in your shoes.

Your marriage is over. He has no qualms about moving out and living away from the family home and your children, as you can see. So the best you can do for yourself and your children now is now is to take pp's advice. Get some good legal advice and make sure you get everything you're entitled to from him financially. Dont wait.

Aside from that theres lots of info online about gaining employment skills, if you have a jobcentre nearby they can also help.

It will be hard but so many women go through this kind of thing, and come out the other side doing ok. One step at a time and maybe one day you'll find you're actually enjoying your new life. Good luck.

I don’t know why people come on and say there’s another woman - not because there probably isn’t but what does that actually achieve except make op feel even more shit? If he’s not in love and wants to leave it doesn’t matter if there’s another woman or not. (And I’m saying that as someone whose ex dh left me for an ex he’d found on Facebook so I do understand the circumstances!)

op I’m sorry this is happening to you. You’ll be entitled to half of everything. Get a good solicitor.

@Xrays I think just to save her from working her arse off to keep a man who is v likely 98% out the door already. And doesn't deserve the effort.

Maybe so.

My ex husband told me the same did not love me anymore and said that me and the kids will not miss out of anything he will always support us and there was no one else involved. Only difference with you is that I am working but he was the higher earner. He left and went to live with his parents until he found a house which happens 3 months later and guess what as soon as he moved to his house a girlfriend appeared. He denied it but I had physical proof that she was there the weekend he moved in and also his girlfriend were posting stuff on social media where she stated she met him 6 months before we separated, I do believe that there was nothing physical during this period but she was the reason why he left. Regarding support, well he was full of bullshit of course, he barely say hello to me, his monthly meeting to discuss the kids never happened, he is all talk but no action. I was devastated when he left, i love him hoping it was just a mid life crising and that he will come back to his family. 6 years now we are separated still hurt as find it very hard to see him but cannot avoid him because of the kids

It's not for no reason. The man gave a reason, he also has not walked out.

People do fall out of love 25 years is a really long time but it's perfectly possible.

While things are amicable, I would be gathering all the financials and photocopying; pensions, bank statements, mortgage statements, everything. Check his phone/computer emails, messages etc and see a good solicitor. Don’t tell him what you have done. You need to think about yourself and your future now. Good luck and sorry you are in this awful situation 💐

YES this

Same. Lots of finances at stake here, a good solicitor is definitely a worthwhile investment, do you have family that could help you if you need with legal fees ? Even a good friend who maybe could loan you, I think people would understand how important this is (it’s definitely not cf territory)

Whether he has someone else or not, what you need to do now is see a solicitor. As pp have said he's had a while to get his head around this, so strike while the iron is hot and he's still on best behaviour, you will be entitled to a fair share of the marital assets and his pension and your life will be a lot easier in future if you ensure that you get it.

You will both have to give a years worth of financial information, the longer this rolls on in limbo, the more time he has to potentially rearrange things in his favour. Of course he says now that you will be financially looked after forever, this is very highly unlikely to be the case.

Don't panic about work, that can come later when your finances have been divided.

The kids will be fine. You will all get through it. You don't need to work out what's going to happen all the way to the end of this, just do the bit you're in which means accepting that he means what he says, and making an appointment with a solicitor until you find one that you feel "gets you". Also get hold of and photo all the relevent finanical/house/salary/pension documentation you can get your hands on as you will need it.

Don't snooze on it, it's happening, it's shitty but it's going to be ok.

This is what my ex husband said. Lo and behold, there was indeed someone else. He kept it all very quiet until about six months after he’d moved out though. She was, of course, a colleague

Sorry, that was a supremely unhelpful reply. Practically speaking, as amicable as things might be right now it’s in your best interest to prepare as if they might not be. Ensure you know where his savings, pensions etc. are and get copies. Let your solicitor be your champion behind the scenes so you’re ready.

Sod off with the 'avoiding bitterness' posts.
OP is entitled to have feelings which will include bitterness at some point!

Ffs.

How old are your DCs?

If one is doing their GCSEs this year Id have a chat to him and ask him to hold off moving out until after these do it doesn’t affect them.

It will also give you chance to get a job which you need to do before he moves out to make it easier on yourself.

They will ultimately be much happier once you e separated as you say yourself you argue a lot which isn’t fair on your kids.

Posters will say OW but if you argue so much then it’s obvious neither of you have been happy for a long time and I think separating is the best outcome.

You say you still love him but tbh it sounds as though you prefer his money/lifestyle and the fact you didn’t have to work more than him.

I’d be a bit blunter.

tell him to keep his dick away from the ow whilst your child does GCSEs. Tell him you’ll happily divorce his cheating ass after that.

Op, I'm so sorry.

If I were you (and this is a hard ask) go along with whatever bullshit he is telling you wipe digging out every financial detail you need.
He is going to try and dump you as cheaply as he can. I'm so so sorry.