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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can you hate a stranger?

78 replies

Aussiegirl123456 · 20/04/2023 10:23

Sorry, I didn’t know the best place to post this question.

Quick background:
Child’s old deputy teacher.

He arrived at the school when my child was in their final year at that school, so I had very little to do with him. For context, my child was unproblematic, never in trouble, great grades etc.

This man seems to hate my guts with a passion. Eg, at the school, whenever I was anywhere near him he’d turn his back. Gave me weird long stares. When the head teacher tried to introduce me to him, he literally ran away!

I didn’t care as my child was about to finish that school, so just ignored and went about my own business. My child has since left the school to go to high school. I thought that’d be the last I see of him.

I have just started a post grad course at uni and this flipping man is there with his weird stares, blatantly ignoring me when I’ve been in group work with him and just making me feel so uncomfortable. Mumbles god knows what when I am speaking. If I have to speak to him, he actually turns his back to ignore me!

Across the room, he just stares. I keep eye contact now until he looks away to piss him off.

I don’t care that he hates me, but if anyone can offer me any advice or can offer me some words of wisdom? It’s honestly getting to the point now that I want to drop out the course because it’s making me so uncomfortable. I tried to ask what his issue is, but….he turned his back to me when I asked and made a weird noise and walked off! He is super charming and over friendly with absolutely everyone else (including my child when they were at the school), so it’s definitely me.

Any ideas how to approach? I really don’t want to quit or postpone my course because of him but it looks like it’s going to end up that way.

By the way, this may be paranoia. I posted on social media (LinkedIn) I was about to begin this really niche course. The paranoid part of me feels he has seen this and signed up just to fuck me off. Nobody would do that, would they?

OP posts:
Original poster
Aussiegirl123456 · 20/04/2023 11:07

PaintedEgg · 20/04/2023 10:54

if you think this is bullying then report it as such - you're an adult paying for a course, sit on a high horse, tell the course leader that this other person, whom you know very loosely as he was deputy head at your child's school but you've never interacted, is acting in a condescending manner whenever you speak up and ignores you. Say you're too old to tolerate this high school behaviour and paying too much to put up with it any longer.

Show quote history

I will do this, thank you

OP posts:
TheFireflies · 20/04/2023 11:07

On one thread you say you’re married, on another a couple of months later you’re posting about fancying one of the men staring at you and debating making a move.

Which is it?

NCforthis123456 · 20/04/2023 11:09

OP - I get your frustration, but telling other posters to fuck off isn't kind.

Original poster
Aussiegirl123456 · 20/04/2023 11:09

Watchkeys · 20/04/2023 11:07

He's acting strangely, but why do you care? He's not actually doing anything that you couldn't ignore, or roll your eyes at, is he?

It is just relentless, but yeah, I will try to ignore and just ask the course leader to not be put into any group work tasks with him.

OP posts:
Beetrootlover82 · 20/04/2023 11:10

I will bow out

and I would urge others not to waste their time

indeed the OP has a thread about fact she is a covert narcissist

And on the basis of this and other threads - I agree with her

Beetrootlover82 · 20/04/2023 11:11

TheFireflies · 20/04/2023 11:07

On one thread you say you’re married, on another a couple of months later you’re posting about fancying one of the men staring at you and debating making a move.

Which is it?

Best refer to the OP’s other thread about being a covert narcissist

Original poster
Aussiegirl123456 · 20/04/2023 11:15

NCforthis123456 · 20/04/2023 11:09

OP - I get your frustration, but telling other posters to fuck off isn't kind.

True, it isn't. But neither is continuing to post when someone has politely asked them to stop several times prior. It is just frustrating being cross examined "you say your child was in primary in September but they're now in high school" trying to catch me out. I am not in the UK so our school years run different, or "you say he ran away but another time you say he touched your arm, which is it?"...when they're two unrelated incidents and neither relevant to my current post.

If anyone chooses not to believe or whatever then that's fine. But genuinely, I am being 'lightly' bullied by this person and I would appreciate some advice. I don't want to go marching into the course leader's office claiming I am being bullied as the course is for two years and I don't want to make anything even more awkward.

I would have just appreciated some advice. I will get the thread taken down because it has gone off on a tangent.

OP posts:
Robin233 · 20/04/2023 11:18

I thought I'd read this before
Had ti check it wasn't a Zombie thread.
Exactly the same story deputy head teacher being introduced by head and running off..,...

Original poster
Aussiegirl123456 · 20/04/2023 11:19

Robin233 · 20/04/2023 11:18

I thought I'd read this before
Had ti check it wasn't a Zombie thread.
Exactly the same story deputy head teacher being introduced by head and running off..,...

Yeah. Who has now enrolled himself onto the same course as me at university.
The background info was for context.

OP posts:
Skybluepinky · 20/04/2023 11:23

Just ignore him and keep away from him.
Don't post yr business on SM.

Gwenhwyfar · 20/04/2023 11:26

"if you think this is bullying then report it as such - you're an adult paying for a course, sit on a high horse, tell the course leader that this other person, whom you know very loosely as he was deputy head at your child's school but you've never interacted, is acting in a condescending manner whenever you speak up and ignores you. Say you're too old to tolerate this high school behaviour and paying too much to put up with it any longer."

She cannot prove it so it wouldn't get anywhere.

NeatCompactSleeper · 20/04/2023 11:35

I mean this kindly OP but having read your thread in which you describe yourself as a covert narcissist, do you think there's a chance that all these men you say are staring at you, actually aren't?

Watchkeys · 20/04/2023 11:38

Gwenhwyfar · 20/04/2023 11:26

"if you think this is bullying then report it as such - you're an adult paying for a course, sit on a high horse, tell the course leader that this other person, whom you know very loosely as he was deputy head at your child's school but you've never interacted, is acting in a condescending manner whenever you speak up and ignores you. Say you're too old to tolerate this high school behaviour and paying too much to put up with it any longer."

She cannot prove it so it wouldn't get anywhere.

She wouldn't get anywhere if she could, either. He's not breaking any rules. An adult education course isn't going to teach people how to be nice.

GarlicGrace · 20/04/2023 11:39

Beetrootlover82 · 20/04/2023 11:11

Best refer to the OP’s other thread about being a covert narcissist

Show quote history

From her many, many other posts, OP doesn't sound like a pathological narcissist.

@Aussiegirl123456, people can have all sorts of weird reasons for taking a strong dislike to someone. Could be you remind him of his horrible mother, he once saw a film in which the evil female looked like you, he hears voices warning him about random people, anything! It could even be that he's strongly attracted to you and finds that, for reasons of his own, threatening.

The main takeaway here is that you are not dealing with a rational human being. It's pointless to try and work on a civil relationship with him: any apparent successes will backfire.

Fortunately, he isn't in a position of authority over you (my person like this was my boss) but I think it quite likely he has joined your course because of you - either to keep an eye on you or to push you out of it. Don't quit! It's a good idea to make your course leader(s) aware there's an interpersonal problem, and very definitely to avoid being alone with him. It's helpful that others have noticed his strange behaviour, this saves you from being seen as "the problem".

Did you see this recent thread? Woman with an inexplicable grudge against OP

Mud sticks.. how do I deal with it. | Mumsnet

So I live in small village. We all know everyone. Even if we do not socialise we all know of each other. Two new residents moved in 5 weeks ago into t...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4786267-mud-sticks-how-do-i-deal-with-it

369E · 20/04/2023 11:58

Are you 100% sure you dont know him? Could he have attended your school or lived near you when you were younger? You say you are both late 40s so roughly same age. Could he be thinking you're somebody else or judging you on something a friend did many years ago? Could he be friends with an ex or friends with someone who would badmouth you? I would look into him and try to find a common thread.

In the meantime I would ask again what his problem is. Louder and clearer. And keep asking and approaching until he either doesnt answer or doesnt make eye contact with you.

Vivaleconfused · 20/04/2023 12:02

I have just read a lot of your other posts and your last threads. I know beetroot was trying to catch you out but there’s no conflicting information in those posts. I also agree with pp that you do not sound like a narcissist.

I also think this man could be dangerous from how you described his behaviour in your last thread and now he has somehow coincidentally ended up on the same course as you. I think trying to stay as far away as possible is the best option and making your teacher aware. I also agree with pp that you shouldn’t put anything else on social media.

Original poster
Aussiegirl123456 · 20/04/2023 12:12

Thank you all.
I definitely don’t know him as I grew up in a different country.
Thank you just for listening / reading.

I don’t think I’m a narcissist, and I definitely do not imagine people staring at me. Other people have picked up on his behaviour and commented. Which is reassuring as I know I’m not imagining it.

I don’t think he’s dangerous, but I’ll never be alone with him. I do not think he fancies me, nor do I want him to.

I know it sounds crazy and I feel like I’m going mad. That’s why I’m glad others have noticed because it validates that it’s real. I don’t post much on social media at all. I only have LinkedIn and I just shared the university department’s post and commented on their post that I’m excited to begin the course. Lesson learned. The course is not even remotely related to his field of work which is why I thought maybe he joined to sabotage my degree. I know it sounds far fetched and it could be all in my head.

I will read that other thread about grudges.

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Aussiegirl123456 · 20/04/2023 12:15

NeatCompactSleeper · 20/04/2023 11:35

I mean this kindly OP but having read your thread in which you describe yourself as a covert narcissist, do you think there's a chance that all these men you say are staring at you, actually aren't?

No. It was concluded I’d misinterpreted what a covert narcissist was and that I’m not one.

I am not imagining this. Other people have noticed and commented.

I really know it sounds far-fetched but it’s not my imagination. I don’t imagine people staring at me. I know you meant that kindly, but no.

OP posts:
hoover12345 · 20/04/2023 12:59

Blondey2023 · 20/04/2023 10:47

I never understand these threads. Just ask him if there's a problem? We can't possibly know why he does it. If it was me I'd say "I notice you appear uncomfortable around me, have I done something to offend you?".

It seems you never understand these threads because you don't read them properly. If you did you would know she has asked him but he mumbled something and walks away or he avoids her when she does try to ask.

AgentJohnson · 20/04/2023 13:32

Hate is a very strong word. Yes he’s being weird and it does sound he has issues regarding you but hate is a big leap. Ignore him, that is in your control, don’t give up your course.

Blondey2023 · 20/04/2023 15:01

hoover12345 · 20/04/2023 12:59

It seems you never understand these threads because you don't read them properly. If you did you would know she has asked him but he mumbled something and walks away or he avoids her when she does try to ask.

Show quote history

And if you read the full thread you'd see how bizarre the OP is and probably not genuine.

Beetrootlover82 · 20/04/2023 15:09

Blondey2023 · 20/04/2023 15:01

And if you read the full thread you'd see how bizarre the OP is and probably not genuine.

Show quote history

I believe genuinely believes these men are staring at her - but I’d put money on it not being the case at all.

on the previous thread the teacher was touchy feeley but on this thread he “hates” her. And then of course the other thread about a different man also staring at her and blanking her

oh and the fact that on one thread she’s married
on the other she isn’t

Beetrootlover82 · 20/04/2023 15:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Gwenhwyfar · 20/04/2023 17:10

"he once saw a film in which the evil female looked like you"

There's a Northern Irish actor in Cold Feet. Just before Cold Feet 'came back' I had seen him in a series where he played a psychopathic murderer. It took me a while to warm to him again!

Robin233 · 20/04/2023 19:21

@Beetrootlover82

on the previous thread the teacher was touchy feeley but on this thread he “hates” her. And then of course the other thread about a different man also staring at her and blanking her

oh and the fact that on one thread she’s married
on the other she isn’t

THIS

I've read the link thread and all op's