Attracted to my best friend - should I tell DH?

[MyTruthIsOut]

I’m a 35 year old female and happily married to a man and we have one child together. We have been together for about 10 years in total.

When I was 15-16 years old I started to feel attracted to females as well as males but to be honest I just pushed it aside as I didn’t really understand it at the time.

I always had boyfriends, but when I was 21 I met a woman and I was instantly drawn to her like nothing I had ever experienced before. This is when I first started questioning my sexuality and wondering if I was bisexual. A few years later I embarked on a sexual relationship with that woman and although it only lasted about 4-5 months it felt so exciting and so natural. She is the only woman I have ever been physical with.

After we stopped seeing each other I went back to having boyfriends and I met my now-husband about 2 years after my experience with the woman.

My husband is not aware of what happened in my past and he not does know that sometimes I question my sexuality.

For the duration of mine and DH’s relationship/marriage I had never been attracted to another woman. However, 9 months ago I met my cousin’s friend and I was hit by an immediate and overwhelming sense of attraction to her.

She is also married but they have no children.

Stupidly, I purposefully orchestrated it so she would become a part of my life and what started off as me inviting her to meals with my groups of friends (she was new to the area) we are now at the point of seeing a lot of each other, just the two of us (maybe 2-3 times a week, as well as daily texting), and my feelings for her over the last few months in particular have just spiralled.

Two days ago I made the decision that after 9 months of this slowly building, I had to put an end to it. I felt like I was deceiving my husband and deceiving her, and that emotionally I had really crossed a line. I decided to be honest with her and I told her that I was confused about my feelings for her as I was attracted to her and I felt more for her than just friendship. I then told her that I couldn’t see her anymore. She was completely taken aback as she also had no idea about my past or that I’d been confused about my sexuality and it led to tears on both sides before we went our separate ways.

I feel so sad because I hate the thought of not seeing her again, or even just not getting a text off her again, but I know I have made the right decision. Nothing physical ever happened between us, and I would never have crossed that line, but emotionally, the way I felt towards her was very wrong.

But now I’m full of guilt towards my husband because he doesn’t know any of this.

Part of me wants to tell him…. starting right back from the teenage years where my conflicts first began and then telling him about how confused I have always been, and especially regarding my feelings towards my friend and why I have ended our friendship.

I have two younger sisters, one of whom does know about my past (we are very close) and she’s been really supportive over the last few days but she has told me there is no need to tell my husband as it will cause so much fall-out. She told me that I didn’t actually cheat on my husband, and that when I realised my feelings towards my friend were inappropriate I acted upon it by telling her that I can’t see her anymore.

I don’t see it like that though as I felt feelings of attraction towards my friend from our first meeting 9 months ago…..yet I continued to keep her in my life and spend lots of time with her, so I certainly don’t see things being as innocent or as black and white as my sister does.

I’m just feeling so confused and any words of wisdom or experience would be so appreciated.

It just feels so wrong to not tell my husband and I don’t know what to do.

In a long relationship this stuff happens. You’ll both be attracted to or wish you could have sex with other people occasionally. Totally normal. Unless you plan to leave your relationship, I don’t believe that there’s ever any benefit in sharing the contents of your head when the likelihood is that those contents are going to be hurtful to somebody else. If she’s out of your life then you’ll grieve her as we all do a close friend or somebody we had feelings for, but then that will subside with time.

If you do want to leave and see where life takes you then by all means tell him, including that you’re questioning your sexually and whether you want to explore it, and see what he chooses to do with that information.

I agree with your sister. What good can come of telling him?

I think I agree with your sister to a point. For me it would depend on what would have happened if your feelings were reciprocated by this woman. Would you have had an affair? Left your husband? That’s what you need to figure out.

I also think you crossed a line orchestrating that she be part of your life, that’s intent for want of a better word. That’s might be more telling than you are realising. Yes we all meet people that we are attracted to, but there’s a difference between that and this imo.

I don’t think you should tell him - that would be for your benefit, to ease your guilt, not for his benefit.

If your husband had had a flirtation of some kind with another person, but it never turned physical and wasn’t even reciprocated by the other person, and if your husband realised he was wrong and stopped contact - would you really want him to tell you that?

I wouldn't tell him either.

Don't tell him. Nothing happened but you off-loading will make him wonder if it did. Why upset him like that?

What are you hoping will happen when you tell him you're attracted to another person?

Surely some things are better left unsaid!

I think if you tell him then your marriage is over. Can you accept that. I wouldn’t stay in my marriage if my husband said he was attracted to another man. I’d seek therapy to decide what you truly want and go from there.

Telling him will achieve absolutely nothing, except he will question things going forward. Don't do it!

I wouldn’t say anything. You know you took things too far by pursuing the relationship in the way that you did but ultimately did not betray your marriage.
Telling your husband would only upset him.
just learn from your mistakes here and don’t actively carve out relationships with people you are attracted to

You feel bad about it and you want to make yourself feel better by making your husband feel bad.

Peoplw in long term relationships are often tempted from time to time OP. What matters is you didn't act on it. But telling your DH will only make you feel better. It won't help your DH.

You've taken steps to stop anything before it went too far.

Use the time now to focus on your relationship with DH.

Nope I wouldn't tell either. You'll do nothing but hurt him.

You need to properly move on though and not continue any relationship with the person you have feelings for because it will lead somewhere it shouldn't.

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I definitely didn’t want an affair to start or anything like that, I really love my husband and the life we have together. It just started off as me thinking she was attractive and fun……to it then becoming something deeper. I hadn’t envisaged things going that way.

I shouldn’t have let things get as far as I did. I should have put a stop to it many months ago but I just simply didn’t want to. I was being incredibly selfish.

I feel like I should tell him just so there aren’t any secrets or lies hidden away. I don’t want to spend my days constantly worrying that he’s going to hear it from someone else. My friend promised me she wouldn’t say anything to anyone, but I’m not sure I can 100% trust that. I would rather he hear it from me if he’s ever going to.

Maybe I shouldn’t have told her the truth, but she would have known something was up if I just suddenly stopped seeing her or contacting her after 9 months of an intense friendship.

At some point my husband is going to click that I haven’t seen her for a while and he’s going to ask me why.

Do you think what you did with the emotional affair is ok because it was a woman?
Did she know that you're married?

Yes she knows I’m married.

And yes, I guess I did initially think that my behaviour was okay as she’s female and not male.

If I had felt attracted to a male in the same way I had been attracted to her when I first met her, there’s no way on earth I would have behaved this way. I would have stayed out his way from the start.

Maybe I was just intrigued by my feelings? I don’t know. I was just so drawn to her.

If this had all occurred with a male I don’t even think I would consider telling my husband, but because it’s a female it doesn’t feel so scary to be honest with him? I don’t feel like he’d be as angry?

But then I imagine how I would react if he told me he’d been attracted to another male…

My head is just all over the place.

I’ve just been so, so stupid.

Peoplw in long term relationships are often tempted from time to time OP. What matters is you didn't act on it

She did act on it though - even though the feelings were not reciprocated the OP has basically had an emotional affair. She pursued this 'friendship' because she was attracted to her and it got intense on her side of things, and she admitted her feelings to this woman. Yes, she also cut it off and didn't get physical but if this were a man admitting this level of feeling/interaction with a woman he liked no one would be saying nothing happened. It is an emotional affair.

Whether or not you should tell your DH...I'm in the camp that a relationship has to be based on honesty. He might not be able to trust you going forward or want to continue the relationship if you disclose the situation, but that's his right. Either way though he should get a say as to what happens in his own relationship with full context.

If this had all occurred with a male I don’t even think I would consider telling my husband, but because it’s a female it doesn’t feel so scary to be honest with him? I don’t feel like he’d be as angry?

….Because neither of you see affair/relationship between two women as serious and real as between man and a woman..?
Why else it wouldn’t matter?

I don't agree that it was an emotional affair. There was no affair of any sort, emotional or otherwise. Having an affair takes two. It's not fair to tell the OP that she's had an "affair" - the poor thing feels bad enough already, without having guilt piled onto her.

Sympathy, OP. It must be tough. I hope you get over it OK.

Anyone can find a side to them being awoken by the company of somone who taps into latent aspects of our character.
Even in a blissful marriage there are parts of you that will not be connected with because nobody can fulfill all of you.
When you come into the orbit of someone who awakens needs you'd forgotten or didn't even know you had the pull is incredibly powerful. Like a drug.
But that doesn't mean you should burden your DH with this information as that is what it would be. You've taken steps to remove this issue out of your marriage and you have kept the right side of fidelity physically even though you had a toe in the water emotionally. Sometimes we don't see the danger or realise we're courting trouble until we're at the cliff edge and looking over at the drop.
Personally I'd go to www.livingwithlimerence.com and have a good read of all the brilliant information there to understand what was going on inside for you. Also to appreciate that you have actually been incredibly strong to have pushed this away from yourself. There is advice there for recovery.

Then, invest your energy into your DH and life and if you ever discuss your with him that's not unreasonable, in the interests of him knowing you as a person but don't cause him all the anxiety and pain of knowing you were tempted to betray him. What matters is that you put an end to it and now you need to heal and deal with the emotional fall out.

It sounds like a crush. I would tell your husband the whole story before she, your cousin or someone else mention it and you get in a pit of lies. Nothing happened she didn't even realise you fancied her till you told her. So there's nothing to say. Hey wife why don't you see Claire anymore, well I started to get confused about my feelings for her it was all a bit intense so I called it a day.

Discuss your sexuality that should say.

Would you tell him if it was a man? If not, why would it be any different as a woman, I don't understand?

No good can come of it.

Of course you don't tell your husband. Why on earth would you? Unless you want to destroy your marriage.

A former colleague ended her marriage over a one stand with a woman, as her husband couldn't get over the fact that 1. she had an affair and 2. It was with another woman.

Yes, she was honest, but there was always that doubt about her attraction to the same sex.

Personally, I'm not sure what good would come out of opening up to your husband about an emotional affair, that didn't go further. But it could have if the feelings were reciprocated. Also I'm sure that the OP husband would reconsider his wife's attraction to women and question everything in their life. No different if he had admitted to having an attraction to a male friend that he didn't take any further. It would hurt.