I’m a 35 year old female and happily married to a man and we have one child together. We have been together for about 10 years in total.
When I was 15-16 years old I started to feel attracted to females as well as males but to be honest I just pushed it aside as I didn’t really understand it at the time.
I always had boyfriends, but when I was 21 I met a woman and I was instantly drawn to her like nothing I had ever experienced before. This is when I first started questioning my sexuality and wondering if I was bisexual. A few years later I embarked on a sexual relationship with that woman and although it only lasted about 4-5 months it felt so exciting and so natural. She is the only woman I have ever been physical with.
After we stopped seeing each other I went back to having boyfriends and I met my now-husband about 2 years after my experience with the woman.
My husband is not aware of what happened in my past and he not does know that sometimes I question my sexuality.
For the duration of mine and DH’s relationship/marriage I had never been attracted to another woman. However, 9 months ago I met my cousin’s friend and I was hit by an immediate and overwhelming sense of attraction to her.
She is also married but they have no children.
Stupidly, I purposefully orchestrated it so she would become a part of my life and what started off as me inviting her to meals with my groups of friends (she was new to the area) we are now at the point of seeing a lot of each other, just the two of us (maybe 2-3 times a week, as well as daily texting), and my feelings for her over the last few months in particular have just spiralled.
Two days ago I made the decision that after 9 months of this slowly building, I had to put an end to it. I felt like I was deceiving my husband and deceiving her, and that emotionally I had really crossed a line. I decided to be honest with her and I told her that I was confused about my feelings for her as I was attracted to her and I felt more for her than just friendship. I then told her that I couldn’t see her anymore. She was completely taken aback as she also had no idea about my past or that I’d been confused about my sexuality and it led to tears on both sides before we went our separate ways.
I feel so sad because I hate the thought of not seeing her again, or even just not getting a text off her again, but I know I have made the right decision. Nothing physical ever happened between us, and I would never have crossed that line, but emotionally, the way I felt towards her was very wrong.
But now I’m full of guilt towards my husband because he doesn’t know any of this.
Part of me wants to tell him…. starting right back from the teenage years where my conflicts first began and then telling him about how confused I have always been, and especially regarding my feelings towards my friend and why I have ended our friendship.
I have two younger sisters, one of whom does know about my past (we are very close) and she’s been really supportive over the last few days but she has told me there is no need to tell my husband as it will cause so much fall-out. She told me that I didn’t actually cheat on my husband, and that when I realised my feelings towards my friend were inappropriate I acted upon it by telling her that I can’t see her anymore.
I don’t see it like that though as I felt feelings of attraction towards my friend from our first meeting 9 months ago…..yet I continued to keep her in my life and spend lots of time with her, so I certainly don’t see things being as innocent or as black and white as my sister does.
I’m just feeling so confused and any words of wisdom or experience would be so appreciated.
It just feels so wrong to not tell my husband and I don’t know what to do.