Attracted to my best friend - should I tell DH?

[MyTruthIsOut]

I’m a 35 year old female and happily married to a man and we have one child together. We have been together for about 10 years in total.

When I was 15-16 years old I started to feel attracted to females as well as males but to be honest I just pushed it aside as I didn’t really understand it at the time.

I always had boyfriends, but when I was 21 I met a woman and I was instantly drawn to her like nothing I had ever experienced before. This is when I first started questioning my sexuality and wondering if I was bisexual. A few years later I embarked on a sexual relationship with that woman and although it only lasted about 4-5 months it felt so exciting and so natural. She is the only woman I have ever been physical with.

After we stopped seeing each other I went back to having boyfriends and I met my now-husband about 2 years after my experience with the woman.

My husband is not aware of what happened in my past and he not does know that sometimes I question my sexuality.

For the duration of mine and DH’s relationship/marriage I had never been attracted to another woman. However, 9 months ago I met my cousin’s friend and I was hit by an immediate and overwhelming sense of attraction to her.

She is also married but they have no children.

Stupidly, I purposefully orchestrated it so she would become a part of my life and what started off as me inviting her to meals with my groups of friends (she was new to the area) we are now at the point of seeing a lot of each other, just the two of us (maybe 2-3 times a week, as well as daily texting), and my feelings for her over the last few months in particular have just spiralled.

Two days ago I made the decision that after 9 months of this slowly building, I had to put an end to it. I felt like I was deceiving my husband and deceiving her, and that emotionally I had really crossed a line. I decided to be honest with her and I told her that I was confused about my feelings for her as I was attracted to her and I felt more for her than just friendship. I then told her that I couldn’t see her anymore. She was completely taken aback as she also had no idea about my past or that I’d been confused about my sexuality and it led to tears on both sides before we went our separate ways.

I feel so sad because I hate the thought of not seeing her again, or even just not getting a text off her again, but I know I have made the right decision. Nothing physical ever happened between us, and I would never have crossed that line, but emotionally, the way I felt towards her was very wrong.

But now I’m full of guilt towards my husband because he doesn’t know any of this.

Part of me wants to tell him…. starting right back from the teenage years where my conflicts first began and then telling him about how confused I have always been, and especially regarding my feelings towards my friend and why I have ended our friendship.

I have two younger sisters, one of whom does know about my past (we are very close) and she’s been really supportive over the last few days but she has told me there is no need to tell my husband as it will cause so much fall-out. She told me that I didn’t actually cheat on my husband, and that when I realised my feelings towards my friend were inappropriate I acted upon it by telling her that I can’t see her anymore.

I don’t see it like that though as I felt feelings of attraction towards my friend from our first meeting 9 months ago…..yet I continued to keep her in my life and spend lots of time with her, so I certainly don’t see things being as innocent or as black and white as my sister does.

I’m just feeling so confused and any words of wisdom or experience would be so appreciated.

It just feels so wrong to not tell my husband and I don’t know what to do.

Do not tell him.

There's a quote from an episode of Buffy I watched last night that fits rather well here.

Oz: Just...You can leave me alone. I need to figure things out.
Willow: But maybe if we talk about it, we could...
Oz: Look...I'm sorry this is hard for you. But I told you what I need. So I can't help feeling like the reason you want to talk is so you can feel better about yourself. That's not my problem

Think about why you want to tell him. To me, it sounds like it's to assuage your guilt, and so that you don't have to lie to him. You want to throw a hand grenade into you relationship because it makes your life easier.

By all means tell him about your history. Maybe not now, as it's easy to connect the dots, but at some point. But "Hey Hun, I've ditched my friend because she made me want to cheat on you" is not helping anyone, especially your husband.

In all honestly, I am quite undecided.

I am pretty sure most women would want to know if their husband had, had a relationship with a man and was attracted to men. Even if it was rare.

I also think a female poster, posting that her husband kept his sexuality from her and spent the last 9 months engineering a friendship with a man he was attracted and had feelings would get support and told he should have told her he wasn’t straight.

On the other hand, I can also see why people are advising not to tell him. You did the right thing and backed away from the woman.

If Dp told me he was attracted to a man I wouldn’t be that bothered. I would find it odd he didn’t tell me he was attracted to men and he knew he was. We share a lot of intimate details so it would be a weird thing to keep from me. But I would have a problem With the engineering a friendship to be closer to a man he had feelings for.

I think all you can do is think about how you would feel if your husband did this with another man or another woman. Would you expect to be told if he had, had a relationship with a man? How would you feel if he had manufactured a friendship with a man he had an instant and intense emotional connection to?

Pressed post too soon.

I think all you can do is think about wether you would want or expect to know. And decide from there.

Absolutely not. He’s an amazing man, an amazing father and I love him. Not one part of me wants an ‘out’ of the marriage but I don’t want secrets within it either.

Not long after we got married he found out about something from my past, that had happened 9 years before I even met him, and he hit the roof that I hadn’t told him about it. To have that kind of reaction to not knowing about something that happened 9 years before I even met him was quite extreme I think, so I can only imagine how he’ll react if he ever finds out about this from someone else.

A previous poster said I should have been upfront from the start with my partner about the female experience I had when I was 21 years old, but at the time it had happened years before I had even met my partner so it didn’t seem important that he knew. And then as time passed and our relationship got serious it just seemed so pointless to bring it up. It was a 4 month fling, it genuinely didn’t feel like it was something he had to be told about.

Maybe I should have though.

You do know he doesn't have the right to know everything about you from before you met, don't you? Let alone hit the roof about it?

Absolutely. I think if that had occurred prior to us being married then the outcome of our relationship may have been different.

It revolves around a very difficult time in my life and the way he angrily responded to learning of it just took my breath away. I was made to re-live it all over again by him just shouting at me and making me feel awful for not having told him about it.

He’s never bought it up again over the last 6 years or so, but those first few days after he learned of it were unbearable.

I really can’t face being in that position again which is why I would just rather tell him.

I think you want to tell him to create some sort of grand narrative or romantic drama about your relationship with this woman.

You told her probably (subconsciously) hoping she'd reciprocate and it would be a romantic love affair, even if not acted on.

You have built this up into a drama in your mind, you are acting out the drama by telling her and wanting to tell him.

You seem very drawn to this grand narrative.

In reality: you are happily married. You occasionally fancy women. You've become attracted to someone, but (you say) you don't want to act on it.

Fine. All fairly common. Move on, don't upend everyone's life, the fallout won't be worth it.

Keep your private experiences before meeting him to yourself. Draw a line under the recent attraction, and get on with your nice life without fucking it up for everyone with your unnecessary 'honesty'.

The only honesty you probably need is with yourself and why you are drawn to drama. Again, fairly normal but worth reflecting on so you don't let it destroy you.

We read so many horrible stories of selfish, cruel infidelity on here the whole time. You have cut this off before it got too the point of infidelity. If only more people behaved like this.

You are going to have to trust this woman will not tell anyone.

When your DH asks why you no longer see her you should have a true but limited response e.g. it was just getting too intense seeing her all the time I needed a break.

You’re very set on the idea that your DH is going to “find out” but I think you’re building the enormity of the whole situation up from your own perspective of knowing how you felt rather than the reality of what it was. Nothing actually has happened. You had a crush on a woman who didn’t know about it for months. You told her how you felt, she didn’t reciprocate, you ended the friendship.

Why or what on earth would she tell anyone who would then think it juicy enough gossip to spread around and for it get back to your DH? I appreciate it was all a Big Deal for you, but as an outsider it’s a total non event. There’s nothing to tell.

You haven’t done anything wrong or crossed the line so why mess up your husbands head and ruin your marriage?

Love this. Yes she is loving the drama and intrigue. Will spice up her marriage

A confession will be dramatic and IMO self-indulgent. Please don't do that.
Your DH deserves reassurance. He needs to be reassured that all will be safe for him and the family in the future.
So say s little as possible, and only use words that reassure and assure him that he and the child will not loose you.
If you have to comment on not seeing your special friend then keep it light.
You did recognise that it might get out of hand and you drew back and it is ended.
Then move on. Reassure him that you won't be seeing her alone again. Move the talk on.
Do not cry, that will imply it was serious. That will not reassure.

I don't think he needs to know.
He sounds a bit weird 'joking ' about a threesome and hitting the roof about something that happened before you even met ??

I would tell him because if you don’t you will need to lie about why you aren’t seeing your friend. However I would try and miss out bits that would hurt him. Maybe just say you have started to feel weird around her as you were getting too close and explain about your past relationship with a woman.

Then I think you're scared of him and that's no good either.

His previous reaction to you was appalling. Is he like that in other ways?

Have you assessed the risk that she tells a friend, and this gets back to him? You have been very honest with this woman, and I think that is a mistake that could be your undoing. She may tell her husband for example and he may take this out of your hands.

I also agree that your past, before you met your husband is none of his business, and it's a red flag that he kicked off about something in your past. Was it occasional recreational drugs by any chance?

I have experience in keeping my sexuality hidden from my ex husband. Not something I'm proud of but there was much more to our relationship demise than that. I won't bore you with the details.

What if your friend mulls this over and feels something for you, what if she gets in touch? What will you do?

Not at all.

I think it was the manner in which he found out that made him so angry. I was with him when he did, and it was during a medical appointment that I’d asked him to attend with me. I had absolutely no idea aspects of my past were going to be discussed and so it took me aback. I sat there talking to the doctor and my husband sat quietly next to me, and then when the consultation was over and we left the building, that’s when he blew up.

If I had known the topic was going to come up in the consultation then I would have either spoken to my DH about it beforehand, or not have had my DH accompany me during the appointment.

So yes, I partly think it was the way in which he found out that made him so mad but it also came across as him being angry that I hadn’t told him at all.

I ended up apologising to him and it’s never been spoken about since.

Im not scared of him in the sense I fear he would hurt me or anything like that, because I once hr wouldn’t, but I do get nervous about talking to him about some things for worry about how he will react.

I would be nervous about telling him the truth about what happened with my friend, but I would be even more nervous about how he’d react if he found out from someone else.

My friend promised me she wouldn’t say anything to anyone and I suppose I have no choice to believe her. I just don’t like feeling like I’m keeping something from my DH.

She doesn’t feel the same….it was always planktonic from her side and I knew that. I never once questioned it and the scenario of her telling me she feels the same just isn’t imaginable. Maybe that’s why I continued with it….because I knew it would never be reciprocated so I didn’t feel like I was embarking on anything dangerous.

And no, it wasn’t drug use, it was the fact I’d previously had a termination.

But you say she was completely shocked you liked women and had feeling for her.

What makes you think you would have seen it from her, when she didn't see it from you?

I would be incredibly hurt if I was her. If I found out my friendship was only based on my friends attraction to me and them fulfilling some need they had to keep the fantasy going, I would be really hurt.

I have had men do this. Men I thought were genuine friends. I have felt deceived. It would be the same with a woman.

Oh bore off @MysteryBelle , what a clumsy stab at dramatising the situation, are you a Take A Break writer? Leave it out.

OP I'd say there's some stuff going on here, it sounds as though his reaction to the news that you'd had a termination was not helpful in you being able to trust his reaction to things, and you wrongly feel a sense of guilt not only about what's happened recently with this woman, but your previous attraction to women, and you're worried to death that he's going to find out and hit the roof.

Slow down.

Over a long marriage one, or both of you is likely to at least once get the hots for someone. It happens, and it's human and part of life, and doesn't need to be the end of the world. Man or woman is irelevant. You recognised what was going on and you put a stop to it. The end.

Don't beat yourself up about it, don't tell you DH, unless you can really clearly understand your reasons for doing so. Misplaced guilt or fear of some imagined future recriminations don't count.

I also think it was a crush. I think you did the right thing in stopping it and tbh I don’t think you even did anything wrong in continuing a friendship with her tbh…like you said, you didn’t think it had any legs and it seems like it was a good friendship, you had fun, got on, your children played, surely these all factored into maintaining the friendship aside from you developing further feelings for her (which at the time you were arranging play dates you were probably quite confused about and never intending to act on).

I’d advise you write a “no-send” letter to your husband, explaining all your thoughts and feelings about this. You write it all out addressed to him but it is NEVER sent to him (I’d recommend completely burning it once you’re done and disposing of the ashes in a public bin so there’s absolutely no way he’d come across it). This might help you process some of your thoughts and your reasons around wanting to talk to him, and unburden you without impacting him, and it might help you forgive yourself, which I think is what you need to do now.

Are you absolutely sure his threesome references are “banter?” There is a best case scenario here in that actually he might be open to you exploring your sexuality while remaining married to each other or opening up your marriage by mutual agreement. Only you know your relationship, but if he refers to it often I’d be tempted to respond along the lines of “is this a serious request, as I’ve noticed you have brought it up a few times? I might be open to this…” and have a natural conversation from there? Obviously it doesn’t involve this friend because she hasn’t reciprocated feelings for you, but it might not be a closed door in terms of exploring something in the future?