Attracted to my best friend - should I tell DH?

[MyTruthIsOut]

I’m a 35 year old female and happily married to a man and we have one child together. We have been together for about 10 years in total.

When I was 15-16 years old I started to feel attracted to females as well as males but to be honest I just pushed it aside as I didn’t really understand it at the time.

I always had boyfriends, but when I was 21 I met a woman and I was instantly drawn to her like nothing I had ever experienced before. This is when I first started questioning my sexuality and wondering if I was bisexual. A few years later I embarked on a sexual relationship with that woman and although it only lasted about 4-5 months it felt so exciting and so natural. She is the only woman I have ever been physical with.

After we stopped seeing each other I went back to having boyfriends and I met my now-husband about 2 years after my experience with the woman.

My husband is not aware of what happened in my past and he not does know that sometimes I question my sexuality.

For the duration of mine and DH’s relationship/marriage I had never been attracted to another woman. However, 9 months ago I met my cousin’s friend and I was hit by an immediate and overwhelming sense of attraction to her.

She is also married but they have no children.

Stupidly, I purposefully orchestrated it so she would become a part of my life and what started off as me inviting her to meals with my groups of friends (she was new to the area) we are now at the point of seeing a lot of each other, just the two of us (maybe 2-3 times a week, as well as daily texting), and my feelings for her over the last few months in particular have just spiralled.

Two days ago I made the decision that after 9 months of this slowly building, I had to put an end to it. I felt like I was deceiving my husband and deceiving her, and that emotionally I had really crossed a line. I decided to be honest with her and I told her that I was confused about my feelings for her as I was attracted to her and I felt more for her than just friendship. I then told her that I couldn’t see her anymore. She was completely taken aback as she also had no idea about my past or that I’d been confused about my sexuality and it led to tears on both sides before we went our separate ways.

I feel so sad because I hate the thought of not seeing her again, or even just not getting a text off her again, but I know I have made the right decision. Nothing physical ever happened between us, and I would never have crossed that line, but emotionally, the way I felt towards her was very wrong.

But now I’m full of guilt towards my husband because he doesn’t know any of this.

Part of me wants to tell him…. starting right back from the teenage years where my conflicts first began and then telling him about how confused I have always been, and especially regarding my feelings towards my friend and why I have ended our friendship.

I have two younger sisters, one of whom does know about my past (we are very close) and she’s been really supportive over the last few days but she has told me there is no need to tell my husband as it will cause so much fall-out. She told me that I didn’t actually cheat on my husband, and that when I realised my feelings towards my friend were inappropriate I acted upon it by telling her that I can’t see her anymore.

I don’t see it like that though as I felt feelings of attraction towards my friend from our first meeting 9 months ago…..yet I continued to keep her in my life and spend lots of time with her, so I certainly don’t see things being as innocent or as black and white as my sister does.

I’m just feeling so confused and any words of wisdom or experience would be so appreciated.

It just feels so wrong to not tell my husband and I don’t know what to do.

Not an affair! It was a crush that is more significant than most because it made OP think about her sexuality more. She didn’t act on it and it wasn’t an emotional affair because the other person didn’t feel the same.

OP I wouldn’t tell him unless you actually think that you might be gay. If you still think you’re bi then that isn’t a problem as you’ve chosen to commit to a man and you did the right thing by walking away from this woman. However, if it’s unearthed feelings that you’ve buried for a long time and you feel like you’re not attracted to men sexually then it is relevant and you need to have that conversation. That doesn’t sound like the case from what you have posted though.

You shouldn't tell him anything about it. Nothing actually happened and it will only make him sad, so what's the point?
I think it's more common than most people realize, we can be attracted to both sexes, and usually settle down with one of them. This is what has happened to you, so don't upset the apple cart.

Are you saying that if your DH told you he found a man attractive you'd leave him?

What if he told you he found a woman attractive?

Only you know how your husband would react if you told him you'd broken off the friendship because it had grown into a crush. Knowing him as you do, would he be upset, angry or would he be relaxed about it? Is your relationship secure enough to discuss being attracted to other people?

In the film Internal Affairs, Andy Garcia's character is asked if he'd like a relationship with another woman (he was married) and he replied "In another life". It might be a way of describing how you feel but that you love/respect him too much to act on it.

Thank you everyone for your continued comments.

I am very predominantly attracted to men. I’ve always had boyfriends from about 12 years of age and my only two ‘experiences’ of women (for want of a better word) was that 4 month fling with a woman about 13 years ago, and now this 9 month crush.

Although my friend is very beautiful the attraction I feel towards her is much deeper than just physical, it’s like we have some kind of connection.

I obviously have a connection with my husband too….it’s just a very different one to the one I have with my friend.

Maybe I was trying to kid myself at first that my feelings were just in keeping with an intense female friendship but I can see how stupid I was to try and ignore what was happening.

Thank you to the poster who gave me the information on Limerence and explained that no one person can have all their needs met by just one other person.

I would never have let it progress to a physical relationship, I genuinely wouldn’t, but I knew that if I didn’t stop seeing her then my feelings would only strengthen. It really did just start off as a bit of fun and flirtation and I had no idea that it would end up like this.

This is the first day in 9 months that I either haven’t seen her or spoken to her and it feels really strange. I do feel sad about our friendship having to end, but I couldn’t have let things continue.

Your sister is right. If exactly the same situation had happened with a man - where you realised the danger to your marriage, and sensibly removed yourself before you gave in to temptation - would you be thinking of telling him? I imagine not.
The fact that you're bi isn't the issue. You are married and you chose to protect your marriage. You're strong and sensible. No need to wreck it because you haven't yet quite settled into your identity.

I think that when we’re in a relationship and we develop a crush on someone else, which is how you describe it, and not reciprocated, we wouldn’t typically tell our partners. Crushes normally work themselves through and we move on, again as you describe your situation. You sound like you are bi but again this is not something that you should necessarily discuss with your DH. We all have things and feelings in our lives that are best being ours alone.

Many wise and articulate posts. Just wanted to add to the chorus of those saying not to tell DH if you want to stay with him, and to consider how he would feel.

Also, don't conflate your crush on this woman with your sexuality more widely in terms of telling him.

I don't think he needs to know about your crush, or your feelings for someone else at all unless you intend to leave.

You took things too far by bringing her into the friendship group but turned it around. Nothing reciprocal or physical happened so i agree that this stopped short of a betrayal that he needs to know about. As PPs say, someone may occasionally strike a chord but if you remain faithful (mentally as well if it happens again, no pushing boundaries) then I think that it would cause more hurt and instability to let your DP know that you are distractable from him than whatever you think you'd get out of being honest.

If it turns out that you're not fulfilled and want to explore your sexuality then that's another discussion. Approach it decently, not by bringing in your feelings for someone else.

You have not been stupid - you have been human. Attractions outside marriage happen - it is what we do about it that matters.

You took it further than maybe was wise, but you have taken the right steps now.

How secure are you that you can trust this woman not to "spill the beans"? If you feel uncertain about this, is it possible to speak to her once more and tell her that you have decided not to tell your OH what has happened and that you are very concerned lest this get back to him. She needs to know that this matters a lot to you.

If you are reassured, then simply do not tell your OH - it will not increase his happiness, and that should be where your focus now is.

Do not feel bad - I fancied all sorts of people during my marriage; and I guess he may have done. But he and the family were the primary focus of my life, and so it remained until he died 3 years ago.

"This is the first day in 9 months that I either haven’t seen her or spoken to her and it feels really strange."

So telling him is an impulse move. Stop making it bigger than it is, when he asks why you don't see her anymore just say you drifted.

Some things are better unsaid, I wouldn't say anything to DH

How long aceyou been together / married @MyTruthIsOut?

I've been with my husband for 13 years and I have on occasion found people attractive. I think that's entirely normal. You are married not dead from the waist down. However,I don't think it's normal to befriend someone you find attractive and deepen that relationship. Let this be a lesson to you for the future if you fancy someone it's best to distance yourself immediately rather than jeopardise your marriage and confuse your feeling. I think you need to think very carefully about what you want to achieve by telling him. Do you want to be honest or do you want to unburden yourself? Do you want him to really know you or are you just scared someone will share your secret? Personally, I wouldn't say anything until you know what the motivation is. Just randomly how would you feel if your husband vecome entwined in this way with someone? Also is there any possibility that he woud be interested in a relationship that is not monogamous or maybe poly?

I'm sorry for your loss @Mischance .

All you’d do is make yourself feel better but make him feel like crap. Don’t tell him.

You should have been open and honest with your husband before you got married, your relationship is now based on lying by omission as far as I'm concerned. It should have been his choice to decide if he was comfortable marrying someone who was bisexual. I was also deceived into marrying someone, not knowing that they were bisexual, He went on to engineer 'friendships' with men he was attracted to, just like you.
It's devastating and shit.

Your sister, this woman and anyone who knows about your previous relationship with a woman knows about this, while your husband is in the dark. You had absolutely no need either to drag this woman into your mess by telling her you had feelings for her after sneakily drawing her into your life. You could have just slowly distanced yourself from her. How come you could tell her so easily about your feelings while you've never been able to tell your husband about any of it?

You sound like an absolute nightmare to me. Do your husband a huge favour and leave him. He deserves someone who is honest and authentic. Not you.

You should no more tell your husband this than telling him you've always had the hots for Derek from Accounts.

Sounds like a crush not an emotional affair. Am I missing something? Nothing actually happened, you just hung out as friends and you drew a line in the sand when you realised your feelings were getting complicated. You didn't declare yourself and then keep seeing her. I am not sure what good would come of telling him ( unless you're looking for an excuse to scupper the relationship so you can pursue her?)

We’ve been together for about 10 years and have been married for 6.

He’s always making jokey comments about having a 3some for his upcoming 40th birthday and the idea of two women, but that’s just men isn’t it - it’s just banter. I don’t actually think he’d be very impressed if he knew I was attracted to a woman.

Everyone’s replies are really calming me down. I agree with a lot of what has been said (the good and the bad) and I think they are helping to ground me. Maybe I’m making this bigger than it needs to be.

The only solace I can find is that I have no regrets about ending my friendship with her. Despite the strength of my feelings for her, and how upset I feel, I’m glad that my marriage and my husband were my innate priorities.

And I also definitely know that if I ever find myself in this situation again I will keep my distance from the very outset.

"He’s always making jokey comments about having a 3some for his upcoming 40th birthday and the idea of two women, but that’s just men isn’t it - it’s just banter."

Errrr, no.

Ugh, I've changed my mind, tell him 🤮

Will he ask questions as to why you’re no longer seeing her? Just wondering if that might be a slightly awkward conversation and would be the only reason I’d tell him so I wasn’t lying

What do you think telling him is going to achieve?

He definitely will and that’s one of the reasons why I’m considering telling him.

At the moment I’m just keeping something from him, but if he asks me why I’m not seeing her anymore and I make something up, then I’m outright lying to him and I don’t know if I could do that - I wouldn’t feel comfortable about it and it wouldn’t feel right.

So you want to hurt your husband and possibly end your marriage over something that didn't happen?

You can tell him the two of you drifted/felt that too much time was being taken from family/other friends/whatever

But telling him how you have felt will be very, very destructive

This is all about you.

Your actions (obvs)
Your feelings
Your guilt
You wouldn't feel comfortable
You wouldn't feel right

How about how he's going to feel?

Do you want to tell your husband because you want out of your marriage, deep down?

you can pursue women if you want but you can’t do it while you’re married to a man.

if you want to stay married to this man, don’t tell him.