Ex coming to stay with us on holiday

[Dandelionsinthegarden]

Hiya hope I can explain this properly.
I'm on UK holiday at the moment with my DC, just me and them. I have BF of approx 8 months (met my DC no red flags there).
Also get on well with ex, we co parent well, have DC 50/50, I'll pop over for a coffee on a Sunday very occasionally to see DC whilst in his care if I'm at a loose end.
Ex has suggested he come and stay for a night in the place I have booked (at no extra cost to anyone) as he will be in the area with work anyway. I have no issue with this, be nice for DC to see him, he can sleep in room with DC, it's a wooden lodge resort type thing, we will spend a day together then he will go.
Bit worried on how to tell my BF this last minute plan? Ex and I have always co parented well and have been separated 2.5yrs now. Am always complimented on our co parenting relationship. We hand over at nursery so don't really see eachother or are in eachothers pockets, communication is only about DC. Split when DC was too young to remember. He is 3 now.
If you were my BF would you be upset?

This is not a good idea.

Firstly, how would you feel if it was your BF and his ex?

How are you going to manage the situation if your BF gets insecure and questions whether something has gone on whilst your ex is there and it becomes a big problem in your relationship?

And most importantly it’s really not fair for your DC, who will have a fun holiday with mummy & daddy under the same roof, then daddy goes back to his house and you go back to yours. Confusing in itself, but then your BF will reappear on the scene and your DC won’t know if he’s coming or going.

It’s a nice idea in theory but not practical at all.

If I was your BF I wouldn't be happy with this. I'd wonder where your boundaries would be moving forward within our relationship. I'd also question the motives of your ex if I was him.

Your co-parenting sounds like it is working as it is...I don't see why you would need to add more contact together because what would it achieve? Would you ask join your ex on his holiday?

If you really need to and he is close to where you are then I'd just tell him to take your DC out for a few hours to give you a rest and then go home.

What a horrible, horrible idea. Just no, this is not fair on your current partner.

I’m not sure, but many people would have an issue with this so I’d just say no

Wouldn’t bother me and your co-parenting relationship sounds fabulous.

those saying it is confusing for the DC- why is it? Families come in all shapes and sizes and your parents getting on well is perfect surely?

I assume the BF knows you and ex get along and are very friendly without there ever having been a rekindling of the romance (or even just a shag!) since you separated? If so then they won’t see this as odd surely?

I think what your DP thinks of it is largely irrelevant. You've only been together 8 months, he gets no say in how you live your life imo. If you think it's ok then he should be happy with that.

What would give me pause is wondering if it will be confusing for the children. Would it make them think mum and dad are getting back together? It blurs boundaries I think. I also think it blurs boundaries with your ex. I don't think he should have asked to stay. If he wants to come down to the area and spend the day with the children fine, but a sleepover. Hmm.

I’d be very upset. Very. What will you do if he is too?

No, I don't think this is a good idea.

No ! Id say no and save your boyfriend from having to answer
doesn’t feel healthy

To give you a child’s perspective, my dad joined us sometimes on holiday. If we were doing Christmas at his house (about 1.5 hours away), my mum would often join (with his partner). Mum and I would sleep in my bedroom together. I’m pretty sure once even dad’s partner came on holiday too. It felt very normal and it was nice that everyone could get along and there was no drama.

You know there is nothing funny going on. I think it’s great for your dc to see that you can co-parent sensibly and that they don’t always have to have holidays or family days split because their parents are no longer together.

I would hope that your bf trusts you enough to trust your judgment. If not, maybe it’s not the right relationship for either of you.

What a terrible idea. It's one thing to co-parent well, it's quite another to have a lack of boundaries now that you are in a relationship with someone else.

The best person to ask is your bloke OP.

This guy has been your boyfriend for a shortwhile, your child and his father will be in your life forever. You co parent well. Explain it to your bf, perhaps have him over with your ex if need be to say hello. Crack on. Any man worth his salt could manage that easily .

Yes I’d be upset (not because I was insecure but because I’m on holiday with my partner and don’t particularly want an ex around).

A load of questions...

Does your ex know about your new relationship?
If so, what do they say/think/feel about it?

Is the suggestion of staying overnight about your ex exerting his 'rights' over the family? Has he ever stayed with you all overnight before?

If ex is working in the area anyway why does he have to stay with you overnight? Why can't he come and join for day activities, tea -time? How old are dc, what happens when they go to bed (if they are little)? Do you and ex have an evening alone together?

Never mind how your dp feels about it, how do YOU feel about it? Does it feel natural and normal to you that your ex sometimes stays overnight in the same place as you? If the situation were reversed and he was on holiday with dc woud YOU suggest going and staying overnight in the same place?

So how will you feel when BF replies very reasonably "Okay, then I'll bring along one of my exes. Yes, I know she's a stranger and you've never met her but hell. this is u holiday too yknow. Spo while you a nd your ex re off having fun, I'll be having a special day with my ex."

I have recently done this. But I wasn’t on holiday with a new partner. My ex joined a family holiday for a couple of days and it was fine and healthy for the child concerned. We are ‘Never Ever Getting Back Together’ (thanks Taylor) and no weird dynamic involved. It can be done, but I think only if all parties are ok with it.

It wouldn't bother me, and I think it would be nice for the kids. I can't speak for your boyfriend of course, but if it bothers him I would be unhappy with the lack of trust.

Is bf on the holiday? If not them no reason not to do this. Just make sure he knows about the plan.

If your bf is with you, then maybe. Otherwise no.

You can’t do that! You can’t spin it around on the boyfriend and make him out to be the one in the wrong, just to justify doing something that would naturally upset ANY partner!!!

@Liorae That is really manipulative

@Dandelionsinthegarden If you consider your boyfriend to be your partner then why isn't he on holiday with you??

Regardless, if I was him I'd be ending the relationship. The total disregard for his feelings would do it for me. Yes you're considering him now but only once you've already arranged it!

If I was your bf I’d be upset and suspicious.
If you bf did this with his ex how would you feel?

No chance, he’s an ex for a reason… bad idea