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Original poster

Ex coming to stay with us on holiday

77 replies

Dandelionsinthegarden · 18/04/2023 20:04

Hiya hope I can explain this properly.
I'm on UK holiday at the moment with my DC, just me and them. I have BF of approx 8 months (met my DC no red flags there).
Also get on well with ex, we co parent well, have DC 50/50, I'll pop over for a coffee on a Sunday very occasionally to see DC whilst in his care if I'm at a loose end.
Ex has suggested he come and stay for a night in the place I have booked (at no extra cost to anyone) as he will be in the area with work anyway. I have no issue with this, be nice for DC to see him, he can sleep in room with DC, it's a wooden lodge resort type thing, we will spend a day together then he will go.
Bit worried on how to tell my BF this last minute plan? Ex and I have always co parented well and have been separated 2.5yrs now. Am always complimented on our co parenting relationship. We hand over at nursery so don't really see eachother or are in eachothers pockets, communication is only about DC. Split when DC was too young to remember. He is 3 now.
If you were my BF would you be upset?

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 19/04/2023 08:58

gannett · 19/04/2023 08:50

An ex staying one night in a holiday because he happens to be in the same area is not "playing pretend family".

Some people seem to think that any sort of amicable relationship with an ex is inherently problematic.

Show quote history

staying one night with someone, especially if it happens often, is problematic in every other scenario. Besides, if this was posted by a man everyone would be up in arms about it

But men seem to have generally better boundaries so I wouldnt be surprised if it would be ex who ceases those overnight visits once he starts a new relationship / family. Explain this to that kid then

Skybluepinky · 19/04/2023 09:24

Bad idea.

gannett · 19/04/2023 10:04

PaintedEgg · 19/04/2023 08:58

staying one night with someone, especially if it happens often, is problematic in every other scenario. Besides, if this was posted by a man everyone would be up in arms about it

But men seem to have generally better boundaries so I wouldnt be surprised if it would be ex who ceases those overnight visits once he starts a new relationship / family. Explain this to that kid then

Show quote history

Staying one night with someone is not the least bit problematic in the real world, unless you feel that "sleeping under the same roof" automatically leads to sex (which would be news to all the people - friends, male and female, and even some exes - I've stayed with while travelling).

PaintedEgg · 19/04/2023 10:14

gannett · 19/04/2023 10:04

Staying one night with someone is not the least bit problematic in the real world, unless you feel that "sleeping under the same roof" automatically leads to sex (which would be news to all the people - friends, male and female, and even some exes - I've stayed with while travelling).

Show quote history

It's not about sex - I highly doubt this would happen. It's more about clear boundaries of different relationships

Again, if OP and her ex want this sort of coparenting relationship then nobody could or should try to stop them...but they should let their potential partners know in advance so that they can make a choice early on if they want to get involved

(by the looks of it most people would not want to)

mybeautifuloak · 19/04/2023 10:31

Moredrama · 18/04/2023 20:16

This is not a good idea.

Firstly, how would you feel if it was your BF and his ex?

How are you going to manage the situation if your BF gets insecure and questions whether something has gone on whilst your ex is there and it becomes a big problem in your relationship?

And most importantly it’s really not fair for your DC, who will have a fun holiday with mummy & daddy under the same roof, then daddy goes back to his house and you go back to yours. Confusing in itself, but then your BF will reappear on the scene and your DC won’t know if he’s coming or going.

It’s a nice idea in theory but not practical at all.

The parents already live separately and the OP pops over sometimes when the dc are with their dad. They aren't confused by this so why would they be confused by the holiday suggestion.
If bf is going to have a problem with the easy relationship between OP and ex she may as well let him go now as it will always be a problem

KillerSandy · 19/04/2023 10:36

Ask yourself if you would be happy if this were the reverse. The fact that you are asking shows that you DO think it's a bit of an unacceptable situation to a new partner. How many times on here do we see women say " oh he's still too involved with his partner, dump him"? Why on earth are you going over for a coffee on a Sunday if you have nothing else to do?

Fullyhuman · 19/04/2023 10:48

Talk to your boyfriend. Maybe he’d like the chance to go for a walk/out for dinner with just you while ex is with the child. I do think a pp’s post about ex potentially getting in a new relationship changing things though, and I’d want to talk to the ex about that so that he thinks on about what’s sustainable for him, but if you trust that he’d protect his relationship with his kid, crack on. There are many shapes of family.

Bookworm20 · 19/04/2023 10:48

Sounds like you co parent gtreat together and get on well. Which is best all round for your dc.

However you are now in another relationship. So whether you like it or not, that needs to be considered.
personally, if you were single it wouldn't be an issue. however you are not. The only way you can actually know if this is ok is by asking the person you are in an actual relationship with. And their opinion counts, regardless of how long you've been together.

So if your partner is not comfortable with this, you need to ask yourself how important is their feelings about this? If you think its more important that your ex stays over, and HIS feelings are not hurt, then do that, but don't be surprised if your new partner starts to reconsider the relationship.

I mean you are on holiday, just you and the dc. I don't think many new partners would be over the moon that your holiday, just you and the dc, suddenly turns into a holiday with you, your ex and the dc.

Theres having a great co-parent relationship, and then theres over stepping your partners boundaries in the name of that. You can still have a great co-parent relationship with your ex by him not joining you on nights away.

LetsStartFromScratch · 19/04/2023 10:50

Why don't you simply ask your new partner how he feels about it?

You can then decide!

gannett · 19/04/2023 11:04

KillerSandy · 19/04/2023 10:36

Ask yourself if you would be happy if this were the reverse. The fact that you are asking shows that you DO think it's a bit of an unacceptable situation to a new partner. How many times on here do we see women say " oh he's still too involved with his partner, dump him"? Why on earth are you going over for a coffee on a Sunday if you have nothing else to do?

I often go against the grain in those threads. Of course there are situations when a former couple are still obviously too enmeshed.

But I always say that amicable platonic relationships with exes and even more so if they're co-parents are massive GREEN flags. Shows maturity and an ability to move on without toxicity. A man who has hostile feelings about his exes and won't see them again? If that's a pattern it's a red flag.

Popping over to a friend's house, even if that friend is an ex, is completely innocuous behaviour and not the sign of being enmeshed at all.

ChevreChase · 19/04/2023 11:10

ExH and I broke up years ago, but we take DS on holiday together for a week in the summer, and we do some days out, he comes over for Christmas etc. Also when DS is not around (at school), exH drives me to hospital if I have an appt., and things like that.

However if he got into a relationship, I would expect this (apart from possibly shared Christmas and DS' birthday) to end, as it wouldn't feel fair on his girlfriend or partner. ExH is like brother to me - sometimes a massively annoying arse, but generally fine - but I understand that other people would find that hard, to not feel concerned that there is something residual from our relationship there. So to be fair to your BF, I'd probably not have your exP come for that night, if your DC isn't expecting him and therefore won't be disappointed, and just carry on as you had originally planned and enjoy your holiday.

Pseudonamed · 19/04/2023 11:17

I wouldn't be happy if I was the boyfriend.

Season0fTheWitch · 19/04/2023 11:36

Tell your ex you've changed your mind, he can pop in and see the kids in the evening but not for a day/night. It's so unfair on your bf, and you need to tell him the plan completely transparently. I wouldn't be surprise if he left.

YouWithoutEnd · 19/04/2023 11:41

AHugeTinyMistake · 18/04/2023 20:40

I think what your DP thinks of it is largely irrelevant. You've only been together 8 months, he gets no say in how you live your life imo. If you think it's ok then he should be happy with that.

What would give me pause is wondering if it will be confusing for the children. Would it make them think mum and dad are getting back together? It blurs boundaries I think. I also think it blurs boundaries with your ex. I don't think he should have asked to stay. If he wants to come down to the area and spend the day with the children fine, but a sleepover. Hmm.

Hahahahh. At least it’s not just new female partners/step mothers who are treated as less than dirt on MN.

I mean, I think the new DP probably does have a say, since it’s also his holiday and he’s probably contributed financially in some way.

OP, I think if this was okay, then you’d already know it was okay, because you’d have no doubt in your mind about your DP and ex being cool with each other and getting on well.

YouWithoutEnd · 19/04/2023 11:55

Also, all this talk of “what’s best for the kids” is a bit silly. It’s one night on one holiday, where it’s highly convenient for ex/dad to pop in and visit. Dad not stopping is hardly going to make or break the week away, or irreparably damage the attachment that the children have with their father for life.

OP is a person too, with a variety of needs including love and companionship. It’s unreasonable to suggest that she should be prepared to throw her whole relationship away if DP objects, just so her ex can pop in for the night. If DP demonstrates other signs of wanting to stick his oar in to harm the co-parenting relationship, then by all means pull rank on him, but he wouldn’t be unreasonable to be a bit miffed or confused about this, it might be that he just needs to think about it for a bit and then it’s fine, or it might be that ex turning up on holidays is a hard boundary (which also wouldn’t be unreasonable). Saying no to the one night on holiday doesn’t mean you have to trash the rest of the co-parenting dynamic back home.

purplefacemask · 19/04/2023 12:28

OP says in her post that her bf is not on holiday with them. It will just be her, the kids and the ex, while bf is at home. Of course that's unacceptable!

onlyabitnosy · 19/04/2023 12:37

If I was your dp and you called to tell me that, I'd be wishing you well in your future and that would be the last time we ever spoke.

PizzaPastaWine · 19/04/2023 12:49

I don't understand why he would need to sleep. Why not just stop by for a few hours?

Your DC is 3 so your ex would also be coming to see you - that's how I would see it.

Dilemma19 · 19/04/2023 13:08

SquishyGloopyBum · 19/04/2023 06:07

I don't get all these posts.

The most important people here are the children, if it's a positive for them then do it.

Just be honest with your BF.

Yes and they seem to co parent well, absolutely no need to be in each others pockets this much.

EyesOnThePies · 19/04/2023 13:15

PizzaPastaWine · 19/04/2023 12:49

I don't understand why he would need to sleep. Why not just stop by for a few hours?

Your DC is 3 so your ex would also be coming to see you - that's how I would see it.

Maybe the Ex finishes work on the Fri eve and is staying to spend Saturday with his DC.

PizzaPastaWine · 19/04/2023 14:02

EyesOnThePies · 19/04/2023 13:15

Maybe the Ex finishes work on the Fri eve and is staying to spend Saturday with his DC.

Show quote history

Quite possibly. I guess we'll just have to wait for the OP to come back to answer.

PelvicFlora · 19/04/2023 16:24

When you try to recreate the nuclear family dynamic, there is no space for the new partner.

Unless your boyfriend is into polyamory then he will understandably not be crazy about being offered the role of outsider and observer of your family unit.

The lack of clear boundaries would be a real turn off for me.

Holycow23x · 19/04/2023 17:50

Tbh I wouldn't have agreed on this without discussing it with BF!

Original poster
Dandelionsinthegarden · 19/04/2023 20:30

Wow some of these replies!

  1. BF not here as he could not get the time off work nor afford it.
  2. One overnight in 2.5 years is hardly blurring boundaries. DC doesn't remember us even being together and isn't of an age to wish we got back together even.
  3. I very very occasionally pop in, we are not in eachothers pockets and do not see eachother unless there is a change to our care plan and we need to hand over in person rather than via nursery.
  4. Holiday is over 4 hrs from the area in which we live and ex travels with work, if he was driving back to his same day straight after the meeting he would be back at a reasonable hour but it makes no sense to spend the day with me and DC then get home at silly o clock. It would be a place to lie his head then set off in the morning.

My parents were at eachothers throats when I was young and cannot see eachother even now over 25yrs later without arguing it is pathetic and not what I want for my DC. Ex and I are not friends, but we get on for the sake of DC. Never in 2.5 years has there ever been an overnight stay, and we have had 2 days out with DC together for his birthday. Also believe it or not I have enough self restraint to not jump into bed with him (we barely had sex whilst together let alone now!).

I told BF and his reaction was a thumbs up, no drama. He knows ex and I were done long before he and I met.

Thanks for the replies

OP posts:
Holycow23x · 19/04/2023 21:16

Dandelionsinthegarden · 19/04/2023 20:30

Wow some of these replies!

  1. BF not here as he could not get the time off work nor afford it.
  2. One overnight in 2.5 years is hardly blurring boundaries. DC doesn't remember us even being together and isn't of an age to wish we got back together even.
  3. I very very occasionally pop in, we are not in eachothers pockets and do not see eachother unless there is a change to our care plan and we need to hand over in person rather than via nursery.
  4. Holiday is over 4 hrs from the area in which we live and ex travels with work, if he was driving back to his same day straight after the meeting he would be back at a reasonable hour but it makes no sense to spend the day with me and DC then get home at silly o clock. It would be a place to lie his head then set off in the morning.

My parents were at eachothers throats when I was young and cannot see eachother even now over 25yrs later without arguing it is pathetic and not what I want for my DC. Ex and I are not friends, but we get on for the sake of DC. Never in 2.5 years has there ever been an overnight stay, and we have had 2 days out with DC together for his birthday. Also believe it or not I have enough self restraint to not jump into bed with him (we barely had sex whilst together let alone now!).

I told BF and his reaction was a thumbs up, no drama. He knows ex and I were done long before he and I met.

Thanks for the replies

Good news OP! Glad it's sorted! Xx