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Original poster

Ex coming to stay with us on holiday

77 replies

Dandelionsinthegarden · 18/04/2023 20:04

Hiya hope I can explain this properly.
I'm on UK holiday at the moment with my DC, just me and them. I have BF of approx 8 months (met my DC no red flags there).
Also get on well with ex, we co parent well, have DC 50/50, I'll pop over for a coffee on a Sunday very occasionally to see DC whilst in his care if I'm at a loose end.
Ex has suggested he come and stay for a night in the place I have booked (at no extra cost to anyone) as he will be in the area with work anyway. I have no issue with this, be nice for DC to see him, he can sleep in room with DC, it's a wooden lodge resort type thing, we will spend a day together then he will go.
Bit worried on how to tell my BF this last minute plan? Ex and I have always co parented well and have been separated 2.5yrs now. Am always complimented on our co parenting relationship. We hand over at nursery so don't really see eachother or are in eachothers pockets, communication is only about DC. Split when DC was too young to remember. He is 3 now.
If you were my BF would you be upset?

OP posts:
LucifersLight · 19/04/2023 00:30

He’ll probably dump you for even suggesting it.

PaintedEgg · 19/04/2023 00:45

the only good thing about this idea is that the current boyfriend can cut his loses relatively soon and leave this weird logistical threesome

Laughloveloneliness · 19/04/2023 00:49

Yeah I would be upset if I were your bf. It would be a shit thing to do.

Laughloveloneliness · 19/04/2023 00:53

Even weirder that your dc is only 3. If your new relationship is affected by your 'co parenting' then it isn't the healthy co parenting situation you pride yourself on having.

SquishyGloopyBum · 19/04/2023 06:07

I don't get all these posts.

The most important people here are the children, if it's a positive for them then do it.

Just be honest with your BF.

Namechange224422 · 19/04/2023 06:17

Very interesting reading these replies because I feel completely differently.

Ex and I have a decent coparenting relationship and I wouldn’t be at all worried that the kids would think spending a holiday together meant that we were getting back together - we regularly do days together eg for kids birthdays etc and they love it. My kids can’t remember us living together either so maybe that makes a difference?

I don’t think that it’s reasonable for a new partner of 8 months to object to how you coparent, and it wouldn’t bother me at all if this was my partner. Although I do think I’d make it clear that he’s sleeping in the room with your son if/when you discuss it.

Sittingonabench · 19/04/2023 06:37

I wouldn’t be happy in such circumstances. It indicates you may want the old family dynamic and boundaries aren’t clear. At 8 months I wouldn’t push this but it would make me reconsider whether we were compatible.

2pointfourmonkeys · 19/04/2023 07:01

I think you need to decide what you want for the future. If this is the type of co-parenting arrangement you want with your ex then your current BF needs to be ok with it if your relationship is going to run smoothly.

The main thing will be to be discuss it with him as soon as possible so he doesn't feel like you're hiding anything.

IneedanewTV · 19/04/2023 07:07

It wouldn’t bother me. Sounds like a lovely co parenting situation. I have friends who do this. Yesterday I spent the day with my ex taking my child to an activity. I’m sure your BF will be understanding.

PicaK · 19/04/2023 07:34

One option is that your ex takes over the holiday and you leave a day early.

gannett · 19/04/2023 07:36

Onlylonelyontheinside · 19/04/2023 00:20

No chance, he’s an ex for a reason… bad idea

It doesn't make any sense when people say "an ex is an ex for a reason" because everyone has different reasons.

Personally I can't see any aspect of this that would be bothersome, provided the kids are OK that their dad is just popping by for a day rather than holidaying as a family. Sounds like healthy and amicable co-parenting otherwise.

Tbh a new partner of 8 months shouldn't get any say in how you co-parent at all. New partners fit into how you want your life set up, you don't bend yourselves around trying to please them. If you're incompatible, so be it.

WetTowels · 19/04/2023 07:39

Again we have people falling over themselves to make the bf the bad guy if he isn't comfortable with this.

If I were the boyfriend, I'd end the relationship with you. Not because I was jealous or insecure but because it would he setting a precedent for me for how things were going to run in the future and an ex popping up to go on holidays and for overnight stays isn't something I'd want in my relationship. And that's OK!

Largely because positive co parenting relationships are great (I have a good co parenting relationship with my exh and we spent important days like birthdays and Christmas together in the early days when he was first with his now wife) but neither of us would have suggested holidays or overnight stays because respect should be afforded to all concerned.

rwalker · 19/04/2023 07:43

If BF know how you are still friends and see each other then shouldn’t be a great surprise

so I’d say yes
I know a few people who are amazing friends with ex

Eggpie · 19/04/2023 07:49

The child comes before the adults in this situation.

what type of childhood do you want dc to have? they only get one.

Boyfriends and girlfriends come and go. Their feelings come very secondary. Your child cares about spending time with their mum and dad, not what mum/dads current lover thinks/wants.

Floofydawg · 19/04/2023 07:53

Nope, it's just weird. And not good for the child at all. I'm genuinely confused by people saying that it is. (And I've been divorced. And I never did this kind of thing with my ex, and my DD is not emotionally scarred by not having both of her parents in the same place after divorce).

gannett · 19/04/2023 07:59

Do people seriously think that their partner would jump into bed with an ex given half a chance? An ex staying overnight has to mean shagging? Really bonkers assumption.

GreyCarpet · 19/04/2023 08:01

Boyfriends and girlfriends come and go.

That can be true but if the OP is considering this to he a 'for now' casual relationship then they both need to he aware of that.

Of course children should be the priority but that doesn't mean a new partner deserves no respect or consideration at all. They are also still a person who matters.

Odd days out, birthdays etc are one thing but what's the harm with having a holiday on your own with the children? The ex doesn't need to be included in every nice thing the OP does with her kids.

IneedanewTV · 19/04/2023 08:01

gannett · 19/04/2023 07:59

Do people seriously think that their partner would jump into bed with an ex given half a chance? An ex staying overnight has to mean shagging? Really bonkers assumption.

You know us women, especially unmarried women we just can’t help ourselves. Any man will do including ex’s 😂

quietnightmare · 19/04/2023 08:16

The only issue here is ' will it confuse your child' if the answer is no then fine if the anger is 'yes' or 'not sure' then it needs to be a no

gannett · 19/04/2023 08:17

GreyCarpet · 19/04/2023 08:01

Boyfriends and girlfriends come and go.

That can be true but if the OP is considering this to he a 'for now' casual relationship then they both need to he aware of that.

Of course children should be the priority but that doesn't mean a new partner deserves no respect or consideration at all. They are also still a person who matters.

Odd days out, birthdays etc are one thing but what's the harm with having a holiday on your own with the children? The ex doesn't need to be included in every nice thing the OP does with her kids.

It's not about needing to include the ex. He happens to be in the same area for work. It's making the most of a fortunate coincidence. When I travel for work and someone else I know is in the area, we meet up because it's nice to see each other, not because we need to be involved in each other's lives.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/04/2023 08:24

Lots of red flags all over this, and they have your name on them. Sorry.

Doesn't sound like you are over your ex at all. You ‘pop in for a coffee’ when you’re at a ‘loose end’? What’s that all about?

Introducing your new BF to your kids so soon…

And now you want your ex to come on holiday with you?

How many ways can you confuse your children? Or do you just want the men to have a Bridget Jones comedy fight over you?

Luckydip1 · 19/04/2023 08:26

Not fair on your BF.

PaintedEgg · 19/04/2023 08:29

gannett · 19/04/2023 07:36

It doesn't make any sense when people say "an ex is an ex for a reason" because everyone has different reasons.

Personally I can't see any aspect of this that would be bothersome, provided the kids are OK that their dad is just popping by for a day rather than holidaying as a family. Sounds like healthy and amicable co-parenting otherwise.

Tbh a new partner of 8 months shouldn't get any say in how you co-parent at all. New partners fit into how you want your life set up, you don't bend yourselves around trying to please them. If you're incompatible, so be it.

Show quote history

it's not even about THIS boyfriend, just any potential partner. If these two people want to keep play-pretend family every now and then then that's up to them, but they need to be honest with any potential future partners.

Also, I know a situation where a woman wanted this sort of set-up with father of her youngest child. Turned out she didn't care to "provide good memories" for her daughter, she just wanted the guy back and threw a tantrum when he got in a serious relationship and refused to spend more time with her (just their child). Sure it's just one example, but I don't believe this set-up is healthy unless people consider getting back together

EyesOnThePies · 19/04/2023 08:37

If I was your BF this wouldn’t bother me. Not if you were clearly done with the relationship per se.

And I know families where there are joint social, family and even holiday events. Didn’t cause ‘confusion’.

gannett · 19/04/2023 08:50

PaintedEgg · 19/04/2023 08:29

it's not even about THIS boyfriend, just any potential partner. If these two people want to keep play-pretend family every now and then then that's up to them, but they need to be honest with any potential future partners.

Also, I know a situation where a woman wanted this sort of set-up with father of her youngest child. Turned out she didn't care to "provide good memories" for her daughter, she just wanted the guy back and threw a tantrum when he got in a serious relationship and refused to spend more time with her (just their child). Sure it's just one example, but I don't believe this set-up is healthy unless people consider getting back together

Show quote history

An ex staying one night in a holiday because he happens to be in the same area is not "playing pretend family".

Some people seem to think that any sort of amicable relationship with an ex is inherently problematic.

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