I feel like my home life is crumbling around me

[WhatTheCup]

I have been with DH for 15 years and have two primary aged children. Our relationship has never been great, but after ending a few relatonships in my 20s for various reasons, I thought that maybe I was being too fussy and nobody is perfect, so I settled with my now DH. He doesn't like to not know what's going to happen, likes to have his way, struggles a bit with change and objects to anything that I consider fun. He would be quite happy to have us two sit in front of the telly every evening and the kids on the switch.

I usually back down on everything that doesn't impact the kids. So we live in the same town that he grew up in (I didn't want to live here), I gave up my career to look after the kids (I didn't want kids), he chooses what we have for meals and got quite angry when I tried to meal plan to save money. My life revolves around doing things for the children. The only friends I have here are ones with the same age kids as mine, because I wanted them to have access to friends. I spend my days tidying/cleaning and sorting out general household things. Then I do the school run and spend my evening either helping the oldest with school work or taking them to clubs. I don't have a life outside of them and I was happy with that because I wanted them to have the best possible childhood and I want us to be close. I do get angry with the kids more than he does but that's because he doesn't really interact with them except on his terms. He's usually either at work or watching telly. I'm the one getting them to school and doing the boring things like homework. They see me as the angry one because I actually parent and he only does fun things that he enjoys. All the difficult tasks are left to me. He doesn't get as angry as he naturally would becasue I pacify him.

Yesterday I spent a few hours rearranging the kitching (whie also doing things with the kids) in a way that I thought DH wanted me to. When he went in the kitchen, he told DD that it wasn't at all how he wanted it and she relayed the message to me, while adding "don't argue". I went into the kitchen to have dinner and felt so deflated. He then started nitpicking at what I'd done saying things like "I've already told you not to move these items". I told him to stop being so miserable and then we sat in silence. After we had finished eating, my daughter told me that I started the arguement and why did I have to move the kitchen around when he had already told me not to. I was astounded that she thought that way. I thought that although she has seen us fall out, it was always obvious that he was the grunpy/angry one. She then went on to tell me how I always get my way, for example it's always my music playing in the kitchen (I turn music on and he doesn't, it's not like we argue over it and I win). I know it sounds ridiculous but I felt so betrayed. I was ok to put mysef last and put up with their miserable father if it meant that the kids could have a better life. But they don't see it that way at all. Now I just feel like what's the point? All I've done for them and I'm still the bad guy. He gets to be selfish and grumpy and they still take his side.

I'm miserable being married to him and the only thing I wanted was my relationship with my kids but it turns out that it's him they side with.

Perhaps familiarize yourself with coercive control and see if this sounds like what you are experiencing at home. From what give said it sounds very much like he is a coercive controller. Your children are internalizing your husband's belief that you are the problem and are to blame for his abuse - which is problematic for their future relationships. Please consider getting in contact with women's aid or equivalent in your country.

That's a really horrible situation. He sounds awful. It seems you are all on eggshells - your daughter is blaming you for upsetting him, not because she thinks you are wrong in what you do, but because it causes him to get angry and that has an impact on her. I really feel for you.

It sounds a horrible existence. Kids prob walking on egg shells so they don't get the fall out of their dad's behaviour. Plan to LTB. Could not be worse than it is now. Life too short to stay with a miserable controlling arse.

This is dreadful! You need to get yourself into the workplace ASAP, and plan to leave. This is no life at all and it is chipping away at your MH, big time.

I really think it could be worse. We live just down the road from his parents who unconditionally take his side. My family are hundreds of miles away on the other side of the country. They would have him and their much-loved grandparents telling them that it was my fault and I split up the family and did this to them. I haven't worked for 10 years so would struggle to get a job and my former career is all consuming and not really compatable with having young kids. I would strugle to support them on the income of any job I could get. There is no way he would leave the family home so if I were to leave I would be moving to a tiny flat as I wouldn't be able to afford anything else. Their quality of life would plummet, me and him would still argue as he would still see them. He would be the fun DIsney Dad and I would be the angry mum doing all the boring day-to-day things. All it would achieve is my kids resenting me. I have thought about it many times but I can't see a way out. At least as it is now, me and the kids have a reasonable, happy life as he is not all that involved. I would hate for them to live with him 50% of the time. I don't think that would benefit them at all.

Well what you've got now is showing your two children that a controlling abusive man is acceptable. So your daughter will be in a similar abusive miserable arrangement and your son will be the abuser. And both think that's normal. Like his parents before him. This is far far more damaging to children than anything else. Sure, they might be able to go to tennis lessons when they're teenagers, but ffs, you're setting them up for a shit life. I'm sorry to be harsh because it's not your fault, it's the arsehole you married, but the reality is you're the only one who can change it.

"At least as it is now, me and the kids have a reasonable, happy life as he is not all that involved. I would hate for them to live with him 50% of the time".

But they do not, well not really. Your DD is being used here as a sort of go between by her dad to you which is harming her emotionally. These children are also of primary age and are highly impressionable, they are too young to realise they are being manipulated by their father. She's taking her father's side here so as to not be her dad's target.

What do YOU want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is no legacy whatsoever to be showing them going forward.

Do you also think that such a man would be at all wanting his children around half the week?. Oh he may well spout on about 50/50 but such abusive and otherwise entitled men say this in order to punish you further and as an attempt to avoid paying maintenance.

You are not trapped although he would dearly like you to think you are. I would urge you to contact Womens Aid and talk to them further.

God that sounds so depressing but I totally get how you feel so stuck, what a mess. It sounds like you could benefit from some therapy (I don't mean this in a horrible way) to try and figure out how you ended up so entrenched in this life you didn't want. Who actually are you? What were your goals? You didn't want children so how did you end up a SAHM to two? At some point you do probably need to unpick all that, otherwise you are just repeating the pattern.

You sound like a very dedicated mum and obviously love your children, but you also sound like a total people pleaser and actually you are walking on eggshells and getting nowhere because he is never going to be happy. I was in a similar situation with my ex husband and I couldn't work out how I did everything 'his way' all the time and tried so hard, yet he still wasn't happy. It took years for me to figure out that it wasn't the things I did that he didn't like, it was ME he didn't like (and all women actually). Luckily we didn't have children so I could walk away as soon as that horrible penny dropped, and I have never regretted it once.

Could your parents help? Have you told any family and friends what your home life is like? I would be very worried about what you are modelling about relationships to your children here - you have already seen evidence of the impact of that on your daughter. It's a really damaging message that she is picking up. You need to find a way to leave and having to live in a tiny flat is not a reason to stay in this life, it really isn't. All the homework in the world won't undo the consequences of your children watching this unfold.

Forget his parents here as they will always take his side out of misplaced loyalty. He is also very much a product of their own upbringing so they cannot be at all relied upon.

He has not really parented his children at all here; you've done both the hard yards and donkey work re actually parenting them.

You have a choice even now re this man, your children do not. Make better choices for them and you going forward; their father has and will continue to mess them up. He cares not a jot for his children, let alone you, if you are all treated like this so readily by him.

And it could be a lot better. At the moment you can't see the wood for the trees. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? When and under what circumstances do you think you would say enough is enough? You are doing what a lot of abused women do: you are putting in place lots of barriers to leaving. Instead think about what sort of life you want. Think how you can achieve your goals. Read up about coercive control. Contact Women's Aid and discuss with them what you have said here. I worked as a homeless officer for over 25 years. I heard all the reasons why women couldn't leave, until they found they could, usually after something quite catastrophic. Afterwards they realized that they were choosing to believe that they were the ones causing the problem, because admitting that the man was a complete shit was the painful alternative. But once they knew that, leaving was easier. Your husband won't change, you can't make him, so the only thing to do is leave him to his stupid ways and protect your children.

If you're a SAHM the kitchen is absolutely your territory. You do what the fuck you like in your kitchen, you move what you like and you certainly cook what you want. You are the boss of the kitchen.

You’ve given many reasons why you don’t want to leave. No point arguing with you on them so why don’t you start small.
Get a job.
Doesn't have to be your prior career, work in a shop, admin, cleaner, deliver pizzas, walk dogs, like literally anything you can do part time in the day whilst kids are at school. If not a job then volunteer somewhere like food bank, age UK, dog shelter etc.

Gain some independence and self confidence by taking steps outside of your house. If you gain some mental and physical space you will be able to see the situation clearer and maybe make some longer term decisions.

I agree with PPs, it’s likely the kids have taken his side as a method of self preservation.

Sounds a miserable existence

Divorce him, sell the house, split the money, pensions etc go back to work.

He wanted the children let him be the day to day carer, you become the weekend Disney mum.

Stop giving in to him.

I don't know the age of your DD but you absolutely need to address this with her. Also, do not allow him to communicate with you via her. She needs to know your DHs behaviour is unacceptable and it was not your fault. He's conditioning her, as well as you. Be a good role model for the sake of her future.

Have you got any hobbies op? If not then perhaps that's a first step. Something you can go out to every week, out of the house.

When you can't change your circumstances, you have to change your mindset.

You can't get away right now. What can you do?

You can stop basing your valuation of yourself on your relationship with your children. They are separate people from you, and they have a range of influences on their lives and opinions. You need to have your self-worth safely grounded in your own opinion of yourself. When thinking of how you have treated your children, tell yourself 'I have done my absolute best.' If your children say negative things to them, calmly reply with your positives. 'Mum, you really annoy dad.' 'DC, if you observe carefully, you'll see how much of my time I spend trying to keep the peace with dad.'

You can leave him, mentally, and grey rock. He isn't your future. You are.

You can study online. You can go to classes and groups.

You can read up on self-help. If you can, try some therapists.

You can get ready to go to work. Some councils have courses in this, to help local people get back into the workforce.

Ultimately, you need a job. Along the way, you'll probably want to find out about accommodation.

Fifteen years sounds like a lot but in a lifetime, it's not so much. If you spend the next five to ten years working on yourself and preparing for your new life, it won't be wasted.

You need to get out, don’t kid yourself that your children are better off as things stand. This is so damaging for them growing up this way. They just want the peace kept at all costs so it’s easier for them to blame you and side with him. Once you all get away, they will have a chance at realising how unhealthy the situation has been. Start making plans: you’ve had lots of good advice above xx

I was like your dd growing up and like a previous poster suggested it wasn’t that I thought my mum was wrong I was just always so stressed and anxious about seeing my dad go off. So I’d be irritated with her because I knew what she was doing/had done had caused him to be a dick. It’s a horrible mind set and it’s one that stuck with me for a long time. In fact I had a realisation many years ago that my frequently jumping down the kids throats was not because I was bothered at all by what they were doing but because I knew it would stress their dad out and he’d go off on one. Seemed better somehow for me to tell them off and manage than let them get in trouble with him. It doesn’t happen now but it was a very difficult mindset to free yourself from.

this if what your dd is learning and your right to question if this is the way you want things to be.

I’m really sorry OP.

When I was a child my Dad had no respect for my Mum, and used to criticize her to me. I absorbed this view of her like a sponge, and yes, it was dad who played with us and mum who did the background, unappreciated, drudge work.

When I was 17/18 my boyfriend said to me one day, ‘ the way you speak about your Mum is really horrible’ . That was the start of me waking up. I had never consciously realized I was like that. That was just how mum was viewed in our house. I then realised how wrong this was and started to see things very differently. Once I had kids of my own I could appreciate my Mum more and more and how hard her life must have been.

If you are criticized by your husband and especially if you are passive in the face of this, then yes, they will absorb this attitude. But they have time to grow and see things differently.

It's very sad that your daughter thinks a woman's role is to do everything possible to pander to the views of a petty little man who belittles his wife and enjoys making her feel powerless. Your daughter now believes it is your fault if your husband is in a mood, that you must have 'done something' to cause it. You need to explain to her that in a normal marriage, a husband wouldn't give a hoot about how a wife wanted a kitchen arranged and certainly wouldn't be bitching to his children about it.

I can relate to your situation and here's some thoughts I have occasionally:-
If/when you move there's nothing stopping you moving to the other end of the country with the kids. He will have little contact if it takes a day to travel one way.
It's worth making a plan at least 2 years in advance i.e. get onto a course that has a realistic job opportunity at the end of it so you won't have to 'justify' your absence from the workforce if you're applying for a job after just qualifying.
Specific to your situation you can do fun things with the kids, take them out in their holidays, cook what you want for lunch, find opportunities for enjoying yourselves while he's at work.
If you can't feel any happiness or you're struggling it might be worth taking to your GP about antidepressants (being in an unhappy relationship can drag you down, antidepressants may buoy you while you get your plan in place).
Lastly decide how your kitchen will be organised in a couple of years in your new home.
HTH

I'd do this. Men get away with it often enough. Your life sounds utterly awful.

He is very controlling, possibly because of ASD. This is SO worth reading - it highlights exactly the process by which the children in this scenario can be alienated from the mother with catastrophic results for both.

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/married-with-undiagnosed-autism-why-women-who-leave-lose-twice-0420164

I have a likely ASD young adult who thinks I 'nag Dad'. Eventually I told him exactly how things had been (everything down to me, to my very great detriment on every measure) and although I didn't go into detail I didn't mince my words. He seemed to take it on board, and hasnt' mentioned it again. Difficult with a younger child, though I would do as a pp has suggested and say 'if you look closely you will notice I spend a lot of time trying to keep the peace with dad.' I'd also add gently 'and DD, in fact this is something between Dad and I and doesn't concern you.' She is being forced into your adult relationship by hi (obvs very damaging for the child) and he won't stop.

So - you need to start your own relationship directly with the children; even if the quality of life is worse, this is the only basis for a relationship with them which will be solid and will last. A triangular relationship between him, you and them will only damage them and bring you pain in the long run. Do read that link.

Sorry forgot to say - you need to LEAVE and start your own relationship with the children which doesn't involve him. Break the triangle.

Go back to your career and either childcare is paid for by you both or he steps back to have the DC he wanted to have.

Then leave and sure have to DC 50/50 so he has to do his share of the parenting and drudge work.