I feel like my home life is crumbling around me

[WhatTheCup]

I have been with DH for 15 years and have two primary aged children. Our relationship has never been great, but after ending a few relatonships in my 20s for various reasons, I thought that maybe I was being too fussy and nobody is perfect, so I settled with my now DH. He doesn't like to not know what's going to happen, likes to have his way, struggles a bit with change and objects to anything that I consider fun. He would be quite happy to have us two sit in front of the telly every evening and the kids on the switch.

I usually back down on everything that doesn't impact the kids. So we live in the same town that he grew up in (I didn't want to live here), I gave up my career to look after the kids (I didn't want kids), he chooses what we have for meals and got quite angry when I tried to meal plan to save money. My life revolves around doing things for the children. The only friends I have here are ones with the same age kids as mine, because I wanted them to have access to friends. I spend my days tidying/cleaning and sorting out general household things. Then I do the school run and spend my evening either helping the oldest with school work or taking them to clubs. I don't have a life outside of them and I was happy with that because I wanted them to have the best possible childhood and I want us to be close. I do get angry with the kids more than he does but that's because he doesn't really interact with them except on his terms. He's usually either at work or watching telly. I'm the one getting them to school and doing the boring things like homework. They see me as the angry one because I actually parent and he only does fun things that he enjoys. All the difficult tasks are left to me. He doesn't get as angry as he naturally would becasue I pacify him.

Yesterday I spent a few hours rearranging the kitching (whie also doing things with the kids) in a way that I thought DH wanted me to. When he went in the kitchen, he told DD that it wasn't at all how he wanted it and she relayed the message to me, while adding "don't argue". I went into the kitchen to have dinner and felt so deflated. He then started nitpicking at what I'd done saying things like "I've already told you not to move these items". I told him to stop being so miserable and then we sat in silence. After we had finished eating, my daughter told me that I started the arguement and why did I have to move the kitchen around when he had already told me not to. I was astounded that she thought that way. I thought that although she has seen us fall out, it was always obvious that he was the grunpy/angry one. She then went on to tell me how I always get my way, for example it's always my music playing in the kitchen (I turn music on and he doesn't, it's not like we argue over it and I win). I know it sounds ridiculous but I felt so betrayed. I was ok to put mysef last and put up with their miserable father if it meant that the kids could have a better life. But they don't see it that way at all. Now I just feel like what's the point? All I've done for them and I'm still the bad guy. He gets to be selfish and grumpy and they still take his side.

I'm miserable being married to him and the only thing I wanted was my relationship with my kids but it turns out that it's him they side with.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I don't really drink, but I do find myself absorbing his bad moods so much and then snap and I lose it at him. From an outside perspective, I appear to be happy with everything and then suddenly, without warning am raging about something that I was perfectly content about yesterday. So I end up looking like the crazy one. The reality is that I didn't like it yesterday either but didn't want another arguement so said nothing. I need to work on my boundaries and say sooner what I don't like, but then I become the grumpy one who is constantly moaning about something or other. The reality is that he's often unreasonable, so it's hard to merrily get along with him.

Thank you, I have read it and some of it really resonates. I was observing him last night after reading many of the lovely responses from yesterday. He is so emotionally unabailable and he doesn't even seem to be aware of it. I do think some of it comes from a complete inability to be able to process ther people's viewpoints and emotions (so perhaps some ASD?). That's not me making excuses for him, but I really think there's something there which stops him from emotionally connecting with people. He has one friend, who he has had since childhood, they see each other about once a month and their conversations seem to be pertty superficial. He says he has no desire to have any other freinds.

He was sitting down yesterday and my daughter went and sat next to him with her book and occasionally was kissing his arm, which she was leaning against. He continued to look at his phone and barely acknowledged her. He wasn't angry with her and had no reason to blank her like that. I think he didn't even registerd what he was doing. After a while, he finished what he was doing on his phone and got up and left. At no point did he acknowledge that DD (she is 10) was even there. It wasn't done to punish her, he just seems to be oblivious to everyone else a lot of the time and in his own world.

A bit later my DS (age 8) wanted to do something, which he needed to negotiate with DH. DH had been playing the guitar, stopped when DS asked the question. DH gave his response and before DS could say his side of the story, DH resumed playing the guitar and so couldn't hear what DS had to say. It wasn't a negotiation at all. DH gave himself the chance to speak and then prevented the conversation from going any further. Because of your responses, I stood up for DS and said to DH that he didn't actually give DS a chance to speak. DH pulled a really angry face, turned to DS snapped "what did you want to say?". Poor DS dried up and had nothing to say to DH's angry face.

The kids went to get ready for bed not long after that, so when they were upstairs, I said to DH that what he did was horrible, which lead to an arguement. When I went upstairs to read them a story, I could see that they were tense from having heard it. If I stand up for them, they are tense because of the conflict, if I don't they continue to be treated badly.

God help your children and the damage being done to them.

I feel very sorry that you have placed so little value on your life by choosing this awful man.

I couldn't care less what acronym applies to him, he is awful.

You will see the damage to your children come into clear focus by their teens.

Depression, anxiety, self harm, acting out, MH difficulties.

These are the consequences that children bear of growing up in a home like yours.

Their only hope is you.

Thank you. I would leave if it was straightforward, but it isn't. He would win if we split, he is very good at being the victim and his parents would completely back him up.

His emotions change quite quickly, so they will see him being really nice and asking for hugs and see me blanking him or telling him to get off me. And they feel sorry for him. They don't make the connection that an hour before that he was angry and stomping around the kitchen because I put the mayonnaise in the 'wrong' cupboard. And then they feel sorry for him, after all, why didn't Mummy just put the mayonnaise in the 'right' cupboard? Except there is no right cupboard. I overbought and put the 2 new bottles of mayonnaise next to the one that was already there. Now when he looks in the cupboard apparently all he can see is mayonnaise, and that is enough to make him angry. And yet it's "poor Daddy, why can't Mummy just put the shopping away properly".

I've told him he can have the kitchen and I'm refusing to put anything away there. I know it seems really childish but I just feel so out of options. I've done the shopping and it's all now sitting on the table. This will make him angry. As will everything else.

When I was a young teen, I used to blame my mum for the awful relationship between her and my dad. Similar situation to you, she had to take on all the proper parenting whilst he just did want he wanted and got to be the fun parent. My mum is without a doubt a difficult person to live with, so that added to the feeling.

I realised the reality of the situation when I reached adulthood. No amount of my mum's stubborn behaviour warranted the way my dad treated her. I realised she was my only proper parent, and he was just a man who I am biologically related to.

It doesn't make it fair or easier for you right now, but maybe it will make you hopeful that kids usually figure it out eventually

Stop making excuses for reasons not to leave this awful person. Contact Women's Aid. Leave him asap because every day you spend under that roof is another day of misery for your children and yourself.
I would live in a refuge and be happy over that shit. I really would. material things do not matter if you are happy, and eventually you will be if you make that move

Does it not occur to you that your children wouldn't be tense if they didn't have to put up with their father? That really is the bottom line, he is the one causing the issues, they are being hurt by him. If you continue to be with him then you are failing to protect them. Just contact Women's Aid, speak to them and listen to what they say. They have heard all this so many times as have I, and the sooner you leave the happier you will be.

I agree with at least calling women's aid and booking in time with a solicitor to hear what they have to say.

I think you are being unreasonable. She is a child and is parroting her father. I don't think her opinion is right or fair but she ys just saying what he is saying.

This environment isn't healthy. You are staying with a controling irritable prick and your kids are learning what a relationship is from your interaction. You need to leave. You sound like you are staying for them. Leave for them instead. It will be much healthier for yhem in the long run.

It's not that I'm disagreeing with everyone saying LTB. But it's just not that easy. The upheaval would be huge and it needs careful thought, not a knee-jerk reaction.

This is one of the saddest things I have read in a long time. I am getting anxiety for you and your children to be living in such a coercive and tense environment. Lacking emotional availability and this coldness I can see you describe. I am someone who had an emotionally unavailable parent and I can tell you it properly fucks you up for life.
The fact that you have fallen on a sword and for what? Your kids will eventually leave and have their own lives, what will you do then? I would raterh bring my kids up in a bedsit, skint and struggle than be in your situation right now. I wouldnt even think too much about what you think might happen and I would just plan plan plan to get the fk out of there and at least give the kids some kind of normalcy cause that is not a normal house - kids are not stupid they sense energy, and already your daughter is being used as a conduit. Just awful awul.
Want to give you a hug and just really encourage you to plan to leave.

Also you are entitled to enjoy and love your life.

This. Without goin into too much detail, I remember very clearly the day we left the family home to go and live in a hostel - the lovely home we had was a place of trauma, issues, coldness, and I would have gone anywhere. As a young child I remember the weight shedding off my shoulders to finally be away from that parent. yes the next few years were tough, really tough, but to be able to relax and nto walk on eggshells was priceless.

It’s not a knee jerk reaction to go and get confidential advice and understand what options are open to you. You can then take your time to consider next steps. It would be worth making a log of the critical comments and his behaviour towards the children in case you do decide to leave and take action. I’m no expert, but evidence of dismissive parenting or ignoring the children might help. Please don’t leave it until you are at breaking point. And don’t follow a pp’s advice on moving to the other side of the country without seeking advice first - I’ve seen women penalised for doing this in custody negotiations. Even if you are in a difficult situation, it’s important to get the advice and understand what steps you need to take to get the outcome you want rather than do something rash and then risk for H and grandparents constructing some story around your unreliability which could impact on custody arrangements.

You describe the hopelessness of your situation with your H very well.
Neither you nor your children will ever get through to him. He is impenetrable and unchanging.

Your children have been placed in a survival mode dynamic.

They are not able to properly rationalise the atmosphere/interactions around them, because they are children.

All they know is, it is tense, stressful, the atmosphere is bad and their senses are heightened and confused.

All they can do is try to survive it.

It is terribly a terribly distressing environment for them to live in, and that stress will do the long term damage to them.

All we can do is point that out to you.

OP, it sounds like a dogs life, but I wouldn’t actually even subject a dog to it. Why did you marry this man and have children with him? It’s never too late to leave, you know?!

OP, having read your post about your H will ‘win’ in a divorce and then you talk about how his parents will take his side: this makes it sound like you are concerned about what his parents will think, and you feel a need to ‘win’ by having them believe you.

if this is the case, then you need to stop caring what they think. They will believe him, that’s unfair but unavoidable.

Unlike some other posters, I completely understand why it’s not easy for you to leave. It’s easy to make a decision to leave if you are financially independent. It’s a lot harder if you are in your situation. And all the women cheering you to leave on here, won’t be there to practically or financially support you if you do leave.

I would urge you though to carefully real search your options in detail. Set yourself a deadline to do this by, so it does not drift.

And do start to build up a life of your own, in terms of interests, friends and work, not matter what other decisions you make.

But OPs children won’t be away from ‘that’ parent. He will absolutely have shared custody if he wants it.

Thank you, that's really helpful

That's a lovely, well thought out post. By 'win', I mean that he and his parents will turn the children against me. And the evedence will appear to support that. I broke up the family, I left Daddy while he cries and tells the kids how he wants his family back. It will all be painted as my fault and poor, poor Daddy.

I do need to get some kind of a life back. I do nothing except for loking after the house and children.

Oh ok, I see now why you care what his parents think. It’s because you worry they will join with him to turn the kids completely against you if you leave.

Yes he will. He will be able to have them as much as he wants. I will risk them having him parenting them alone 50% of the time. I wont be there to pacify the bad moods. I don't want my daughter having to take on that role.

Yes, I see that. I see why that worries you. It seems he is doing this already, but you are worried it will be even worse if he leaves. From where you are standing. There is no obvious, ‘ it will all be better if I just do this choice’. I remember when I had an impossible choice to make. There was an episode on Dr Who when Dr. who said, ‘ sometimes there are no good choices but you still have to make a choice’. That helped me. It some how made it ok that it was so hard, and that I could remain uncertain about what was best, and still feel upset about the choice I made, because there were consequences I did not want to each option that existed.

Why don't you take 2 years:- get a qualification that leads to a job and then get a relevant job that just happens to be hundreds of miles away? By all means consult a divorce lawyer and double check if you are likely to be penalised by a family court for moving to get a job.

I think you need to start by getting some agency back again, and that means getting a job now that your DC are older. They will continue to get older, and they will get wiser to the underlying issues - he won’t be ‘poor Daddy’ forever. Make a plan to become more independent, more confident and put yourself in a better position to pick the time that’s right. Don’t just resign yourself to this limited life.