I have been with DH for 15 years and have two primary aged children. Our relationship has never been great, but after ending a few relatonships in my 20s for various reasons, I thought that maybe I was being too fussy and nobody is perfect, so I settled with my now DH. He doesn't like to not know what's going to happen, likes to have his way, struggles a bit with change and objects to anything that I consider fun. He would be quite happy to have us two sit in front of the telly every evening and the kids on the switch.
I usually back down on everything that doesn't impact the kids. So we live in the same town that he grew up in (I didn't want to live here), I gave up my career to look after the kids (I didn't want kids), he chooses what we have for meals and got quite angry when I tried to meal plan to save money. My life revolves around doing things for the children. The only friends I have here are ones with the same age kids as mine, because I wanted them to have access to friends. I spend my days tidying/cleaning and sorting out general household things. Then I do the school run and spend my evening either helping the oldest with school work or taking them to clubs. I don't have a life outside of them and I was happy with that because I wanted them to have the best possible childhood and I want us to be close. I do get angry with the kids more than he does but that's because he doesn't really interact with them except on his terms. He's usually either at work or watching telly. I'm the one getting them to school and doing the boring things like homework. They see me as the angry one because I actually parent and he only does fun things that he enjoys. All the difficult tasks are left to me. He doesn't get as angry as he naturally would becasue I pacify him.
Yesterday I spent a few hours rearranging the kitching (whie also doing things with the kids) in a way that I thought DH wanted me to. When he went in the kitchen, he told DD that it wasn't at all how he wanted it and she relayed the message to me, while adding "don't argue". I went into the kitchen to have dinner and felt so deflated. He then started nitpicking at what I'd done saying things like "I've already told you not to move these items". I told him to stop being so miserable and then we sat in silence. After we had finished eating, my daughter told me that I started the arguement and why did I have to move the kitchen around when he had already told me not to. I was astounded that she thought that way. I thought that although she has seen us fall out, it was always obvious that he was the grunpy/angry one. She then went on to tell me how I always get my way, for example it's always my music playing in the kitchen (I turn music on and he doesn't, it's not like we argue over it and I win). I know it sounds ridiculous but I felt so betrayed. I was ok to put mysef last and put up with their miserable father if it meant that the kids could have a better life. But they don't see it that way at all. Now I just feel like what's the point? All I've done for them and I'm still the bad guy. He gets to be selfish and grumpy and they still take his side.
I'm miserable being married to him and the only thing I wanted was my relationship with my kids but it turns out that it's him they side with.