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Original poster

Partner's affair

98 replies

Elektra1 · 17/04/2023 03:48

A couple of weeks ago DW and I were happy - a few problems in our relationship but loved each other, had fun together, have a lovely life with our child.

A week ago DW told me she'd been unhappy for ages, we have never resolved the issues we argue about and she didn't know what she wanted, and needed time to think. 2 days later she said we were separated.

This coincided with us having spent a lot of time with another couple, one half of which clearly has the hots for DW (we're all women). DW and this woman have (she told me) been confiding about their terrible marriages and had excluded me and the other wife from their activities. DW denied anything going on. I have now seen the proof that something is going on and it's obviously this which is swaying DW's thinking about our marriage.

What do I do? I want DW to come to her senses and realise what she is throwing away here, but I know what it's like when you've got the hots for someone new and can think of nothing else. I said I'd give DW space but she keeps insisting we are separated and she won't change her mind. The other woman also has 2 kids whose lives will be broken by this (as well as our kid's). It's all a mess and I don't think she's thought for a second of the long term consequences.

OP posts:
IHappenToLikeThisUserName · 17/04/2023 04:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

IHappenToLikeThisUserName · 17/04/2023 04:26

#THINK=

ZekeZeke · 17/04/2023 04:44

Gender is irrelevant here.
Your wife has had her head turned, and rewriting history which is the cheaters script.

She needs to leave, you are the one that needs space, not her.
YOU need to decide if YOU want to forgive. Don't do the pick me dance.
Read The Cheaters Script.

Original poster
Elektra1 · 17/04/2023 05:12

I don't need space though. I love her and I just want her to acknowledge that she can't make a massive decision about our relationship while she's in thrall to a new sexual frisson.

OP posts:
supercali77 · 17/04/2023 06:12

Hugs op it sounds messy and disorienting. Kindly though i'd suggest you do need space and to give her some. Suggesting what she can and can't do right now is liable to just make her double down. The 'pick me' dance leads to no good outcomes, even if it gets them back.

letthatmango · 17/04/2023 06:35

I made the mistake of being to empathic, too compassionate, too understanding when I found out about my husbands affair. It is a form of the ‘pick me dance’ and does nothing to potentially save the relationship (if that is what you truly want). It also did not allow me the space to breath to think about his betrayal and his actions and how he’d become an unsafe partner for me.

I don’t say this lightly but I really would be clear you know, be clear you need space to process, be clear that this behaviour is not ok. Then get yourself a copy of ‘leave a cheater gain a life’ even if you want to rebuild it stops you making pick me mistakes, which can extend the life of the affair.

I’m sorry you’re going through this…

Original poster
Elektra1 · 17/04/2023 06:40

She won't even admit the affair, so we can't discuss it because it's just me being "mental" and I should understand that our relationship has been bad for a while and now she's had enough. It's just a coincidence that this is timed around the time of OW appearing.

It's only just started so clearly they are super hot for each other but aren't going to start casting themselves in a bad light by admitting to people that yes, they had problems in their marriages, but now they've decided not to bother working on them because they've got the next option lined up.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 17/04/2023 06:42

Does she know what proof you've seen?

Mumma · 17/04/2023 06:51

Shes ended things with you. You won't make her see things the way you want unfortunately. Its shit but you will be ok. Focus on you. You don't need her to be happy. Xxxxxx

supercali77 · 17/04/2023 06:58

What was the proof you saw? Have you told her?

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 17/04/2023 07:02

It might be that she doesn't have enough commitment to your marriage and she's happy to accept someone else's attention instead of working on what she's got.
Or she might have be in a limerance state and be not thinking.

Go to www.livingwithlimerence.com and look up the advice for partners download called from anxiety to action.

The website is very good, run by a neuro scientist who has been through this and out the other side and gives spot on advice.

This might not be salvageable, but it might.

Homepage - Living with Limerence

Welcome to Living with Limerence Learn all about limerence and how to live with it, how to improve your relationships as a limerent (or partner of a limerent), and how to recover when you are caught in the mental trap of obsessive infatuation. Unlock t...

http://www.livingwithlimerence.com

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 17/04/2023 07:04

It doesn't bode well she's calling you mental for your valid concerns though. That's just cruel unfair and gas lighting.

LiliLil · 17/04/2023 07:28

She sounds like a dick. Calling you mental? Nasty and cruel.

She will never respect you while you’re showing her she can do what she wants and you’ll still be there waiting.

Tell her to get her things and leave, see a solicitor, cut contact. She’ll be crawling back before long but I hope by then you’re strong enough to slam the door in her face.

PaterPower · 17/04/2023 07:39

From my perspective (as a cheated-on husband), it’s very unlikely that your wife’s going to change her stance anytime soon.

You’re also very, VERY, unlikely to ever get the truth about the affair out of her.

I know you just want to hear it and you just want to be able to talk it all through, but people rarely like admitting to being in the wrong.

She, and the OW, have decided that the PR angle they’re taking is ‘problematic marriages’ - this is what they’ll push to anyone asking. Now they’ve committed to that approach, they’re not going to backtrack on it. It would mean admitting to cheating AND being caught in the lie they’re peddling.

Look after yourself and protect your DC from the fall out (as much as you’re able to). That’s all you should be doing now.

SunflowerTed · 17/04/2023 07:58

Elektra1 · 17/04/2023 05:12

I don't need space though. I love her and I just want her to acknowledge that she can't make a massive decision about our relationship while she's in thrall to a new sexual frisson.

Feel sad for you. She seems to have made up her mind sadly xx

Original poster
Elektra1 · 17/04/2023 08:38

She has admitted the new relationship this morning. It's not an "affair" because she told me we were separated before "anything" happened. But straight afterwards, it did.

I had told her before that it was clear to me that the OW was making a play for her, and she should be careful. She told me I was silly at the time. Now she says that it absolutely wasn't like that, she wasn't thinking that way before, but when the OW went to see her after we "separated", it happened.

I still want to work through this, for our child. OW also has 2 kids and I'm friends with the wife. Our kids will be in the same class at school. It's going to be a fucking mess and I can't believe the 2 of them can actually think this is ok?

OP posts:
GoodChat · 17/04/2023 08:41

She's told you she's in a new relationship. I don't think you get to choose whether to fix this.

Rainbowshit · 17/04/2023 08:44

Chump lady website. Read up on the 180

Original poster
Elektra1 · 17/04/2023 08:50

GoodChat · 17/04/2023 08:41

She's told you she's in a new relationship. I don't think you get to choose whether to fix this.

No, obviously she has to want to try. Says she doesn't. But since all this has happened in the space of a week and involves uprooting the lies of 3 kids, I am hoping that perhaps she and OW might take a moment to reflect.

I love her. I can forgive this. I see why it happened and it's all fixable. I can't believe she doesn't want to try that for our child.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elektra1 · 17/04/2023 08:51

*lives of

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 17/04/2023 09:09

She has thought about it but has decided that she’d rather pursue OW than stay.

I understand you’re hurt and frustrated but having a child together hasn’t swayed her. You can’t make her stay.

Original poster
Elektra1 · 17/04/2023 09:11

Then perhaps OW's wife (with whom I am friends) deserves to know what's going on as well?

OP posts:
Original poster
Elektra1 · 17/04/2023 09:11

Or do I just leave it to OW to tell her or not

OP posts:
GoodChat · 17/04/2023 09:11

Elektra1 · 17/04/2023 09:11

Then perhaps OW's wife (with whom I am friends) deserves to know what's going on as well?

Of course she does - but not out of spite.

GanjaDhin · 17/04/2023 09:34

This is very sad. But you have to accept that the relationship is over as far as DW is concerned. It will take a while for this to sink in and it is normal that you would want to try to bargain with DW, but she sounds adamant in wanting the ow and to move on. So sorry
for you and the kids. you really need to focus on yourself at the moment. Try to be as loving towards yourself as possibly. Easier said than done but try to turn your love you feel for her onto you and the kids.

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