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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner's affair

98 replies

Elektra1 · 17/04/2023 03:48

A couple of weeks ago DW and I were happy - a few problems in our relationship but loved each other, had fun together, have a lovely life with our child.

A week ago DW told me she'd been unhappy for ages, we have never resolved the issues we argue about and she didn't know what she wanted, and needed time to think. 2 days later she said we were separated.

This coincided with us having spent a lot of time with another couple, one half of which clearly has the hots for DW (we're all women). DW and this woman have (she told me) been confiding about their terrible marriages and had excluded me and the other wife from their activities. DW denied anything going on. I have now seen the proof that something is going on and it's obviously this which is swaying DW's thinking about our marriage.

What do I do? I want DW to come to her senses and realise what she is throwing away here, but I know what it's like when you've got the hots for someone new and can think of nothing else. I said I'd give DW space but she keeps insisting we are separated and she won't change her mind. The other woman also has 2 kids whose lives will be broken by this (as well as our kid's). It's all a mess and I don't think she's thought for a second of the long term consequences.

OP posts:
PaterPower · 17/04/2023 09:51

I had told her before that it was clear to me that the OW was making a play for her, and she should be careful. She told me I was silly at the time. Now she says that it absolutely wasn't like that, she wasn't thinking that way before, but when the OW went to see her after we "separated", it happened.

This is how she’s justifying it to herself. “Nothing happened” until she’d split with you.

It’s bollocks, but unfortunately it’s a line she’ll never depart from. Give it a few months, and repeated telling to other friends, and she’ll be saying it was a gap of months between splitting up and then sleeping with OW. She’s not unique - most people do these kinds of mental gymnastics when they can’t / don’t want to admit to the truth. It’s the line she’ll spin to your DC in due course.

Wait until she gets to the point where she declares she’d never cheat on a partner and that anyone that cheats is in the wrong. It won’t be long.

Purplecatshopaholic · 17/04/2023 10:05

I am sorry you are going this op. But it’s over. She has moved on. You need to focus on you and your child - don’t do the pick me dance, it won’t work and will wreck your self esteem. And yes the OWs wife deserves to know - hopefully she has told her by now. You will likely be in a form of shock for a while - go easy on yourself.

Seaoftroubles · 17/04/2023 10:26

As others have said there's nothing you can do at the moment except look after yourself and your child and keep your dignity. Do not beg or plead or do the pick me dance, she is infatuated and won't listen. She is rewriting the script, as all cheaters do. Meanwhile, what about practicalities? Has she moved out? If not she needs to as you need space and time to process everything. It's very hard to be separated if you are in the same house. And yes the other OW's wife needs to know.

Original poster
Elektra1 · 17/04/2023 11:21

She has been staying at her parents' house but I am sure is making arrangements to get somewhere else. She is already talking about putting our house on the market.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elektra1 · 17/04/2023 11:22

It's stunning how days ago she was saying she loved me, and suddenly she's ended the marriage and started sleeping with someone else. Whose marriage will also probably end as a result. No thought for the consequences.

OP posts:
curlychocs · 17/04/2023 20:14

Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The... https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B06XBY1T7F?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

Read this book. I wish I had when I first found the proof that he denied then spent 6 months telling me all the things I did wrong until I'm left feeling broken and then he leaves.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B06XBY1T7F?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-4786720-partners-affair

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 17/04/2023 20:37

Did you post yesterday about this split, OP?

Original poster
Elektra1 · 17/04/2023 21:11

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 17/04/2023 20:37

Did you post yesterday about this split, OP?

No

OP posts:
Original poster
Elektra1 · 17/04/2023 21:13

curlychocs · 17/04/2023 20:14

Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The... https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B06XBY1T7F?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

Read this book. I wish I had when I first found the proof that he denied then spent 6 months telling me all the things I did wrong until I'm left feeling broken and then he leaves.

Different scenario in that she has admitted it, but it's ok (as she sees it, I think) because she told me on day 1 that we were done, and 48 hours later this happened, so the 2 are completely unrelated. She was already "single" (we are married) when it happened.

OP posts:
SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 17/04/2023 21:36

She sounds incapable of true deep feeling or self awareness... I don't think your long term happiness lies in her hands. Where are the kids even in her thinking here!?

Moser85 · 17/04/2023 23:09

Elektra1 · 17/04/2023 21:13

Different scenario in that she has admitted it, but it's ok (as she sees it, I think) because she told me on day 1 that we were done, and 48 hours later this happened, so the 2 are completely unrelated. She was already "single" (we are married) when it happened.

Show quote history

Ignore her mental gymnastics, it was an emotional affair at the very least and she then jumped straight into bed with her.
No one but her will see that as ok.

Who is your child living with at the moment?

I would definitely tell the OWs wife too.

Sorry you're going through this 😕

Original poster
Elektra1 · 17/04/2023 23:27

It's gone up several notches tonight. OW told her wife, who called me, hysterical. OW has gone off to be with my wife. It sounds like OW's wife and I have had the same script this week: 1. I don't know what I want 2. 48 hours later: I want to separate, 3. 48 hours later: I've slept with X.

God. It's so depressing.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 18/04/2023 06:32

Im so sorry.

Have they both left the kids?

Original poster
Elektra1 · 18/04/2023 08:44

GoodChat · 18/04/2023 06:32

Im so sorry.

Have they both left the kids?

My wife has been staying at her parents' this week (they're away). The OW has been staying there some nights too. Including last night after she told her wife and the wife kicked off.

DW is planning to move out of our house but only as a temporary measure before our house is sold. That's what she wants.

OP posts:
GanjaDhin · 18/04/2023 08:58

The only good thing about this story is that it proves that bastardy is an equal opportunities flaw.

sorry to be glib op. I feel for you and the other dw. It sounds really distressing. And awful for the kids Both DPs are caught up in madness which makes them irrational - and proves that the affair has been going for longer than they say; as we all know cheating is not just about sex. i am glad the other dw kicked off but hope she is calmer now. Cheating couples seem to get off on the distress of the people they leave behind.

You and the other dw can support each other. Keep strong and keep us posted.

Original poster
Elektra1 · 18/04/2023 10:02

I'm a mess. This is all such a mess and DW seems to think that the detonation of the other family is nothing to do with her, because the OW is saying that she would have ended her marriage anyway, and DW says the same. So the relationship is nothing to do with the end of the marriages and I and the other wife should simply accept that the marriages ended for other reasons.

OP posts:
DespondentOizys · 18/04/2023 19:09

Rose tinted glasses, I wonder how long it is till reality comes crashing back down on both of them. Hold up OP.

Original poster
Elektra1 · 18/04/2023 20:21

DespondentOizys · 18/04/2023 19:09

Rose tinted glasses, I wonder how long it is till reality comes crashing back down on both of them. Hold up OP.

I don't think it will. Between them they have plenty of money and it's clear the OW is doing everything to sink her claws into DW further. If they can keep believing that the end of their marriages is nothing to do with their nascent relationship after a week spent together all day every day, then they can move on and tell themselves it's not their fault their kids' lives are broken, it's actually their wives' fault for pushing them away.

This is the worst pain. I love her. I know she loved me. I don't even think she doesn't any more. She's just had her head turned and doesn't want to think about the consequences and the future alternatives between staying together or setting up with OW.

OP posts:
Ohheyitsme1 · 18/04/2023 20:28

OP, I’ve been where you are. It’s the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced. Coincidently, mine was a same sex marriage too, but I suppose that’s irrelevant.

Is your child equally yours and hers? Not in a moral way, but in a legal one.

Original poster
Elektra1 · 18/04/2023 22:40

Yes legally she's equally ours. Poor little mite. OW also has kids, and her wife is dead set on making sure my wife can't have anything to do with them. It's all going to be so horrible. I am losing everything I held so dear.

OP posts:
Moser85 · 19/04/2023 00:19

Elektra1 · 18/04/2023 08:44

My wife has been staying at her parents' this week (they're away). The OW has been staying there some nights too. Including last night after she told her wife and the wife kicked off.

DW is planning to move out of our house but only as a temporary measure before our house is sold. That's what she wants.

Show quote history

Is your wife planning on coming back to your house when her parents come back?

Original poster
Elektra1 · 19/04/2023 06:46

No I don't think so

OP posts:
Urghfedup · 19/04/2023 07:56

I’d personally be getting a blood thirsty solicitor and staying in my house for as long as I could if I were you. She has destroyed your marriage why should she take your child’s home too.

PaterPower · 19/04/2023 08:21

Yes, you definitely need to start considering the financial consequences and working out where you’ll be living / how you’ll afford to live with a single income and what you’d prefer your DC’s living arrangements will be.

Your wife may not have considered any of this as she’s been caught up in the ‘fairytale’ of the affair. So you’ll probably need to be the practical one, hard as that can be when you’re hurting so much.

Naunet · 19/04/2023 08:55

I’m sorry, but you have to accept what she’s telling you, she doesn’t want to be in this relationship anymore, and kids or no kids, that’s absolutely her right. I know it must hurt and so much will change, but she’s out, she’s made it very clear. It’s time you start focusing on you and how you’re going to move forward without her.