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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner's affair

98 replies

Elektra1 · 17/04/2023 03:48

A couple of weeks ago DW and I were happy - a few problems in our relationship but loved each other, had fun together, have a lovely life with our child.

A week ago DW told me she'd been unhappy for ages, we have never resolved the issues we argue about and she didn't know what she wanted, and needed time to think. 2 days later she said we were separated.

This coincided with us having spent a lot of time with another couple, one half of which clearly has the hots for DW (we're all women). DW and this woman have (she told me) been confiding about their terrible marriages and had excluded me and the other wife from their activities. DW denied anything going on. I have now seen the proof that something is going on and it's obviously this which is swaying DW's thinking about our marriage.

What do I do? I want DW to come to her senses and realise what she is throwing away here, but I know what it's like when you've got the hots for someone new and can think of nothing else. I said I'd give DW space but she keeps insisting we are separated and she won't change her mind. The other woman also has 2 kids whose lives will be broken by this (as well as our kid's). It's all a mess and I don't think she's thought for a second of the long term consequences.

OP posts:

GanjaDhin · 20/04/2023 19:54

Elektra1 · 20/04/2023 15:37

She definitely wasn't with her before the holiday, because we barely knew them. We just went on holiday at the same time to the same place. She returned from holiday after spending the week talking to this woman about how terrible their respective marriages were, said she needed "space", 4 days later said she was going to stay at her parents' (who were away) for a few nights and OW was round there like a shot that night and "it happened".

Show quote history

Wow that is very quick!

a lesbian friend of mine used to tell a joke:
Q: what does a lesbian bring to a first date?
A: Her suitcase!

sorry to be glib again op. Hope you start to feel better soon.

Choconut · 20/04/2023 20:00

Wow it sounds like they barely know each other and have just bonded over bitching. Living with someone you really don't know isn't always easy, they have quite a shock in store I'd imagine. You need to concentrate on what's best for you and your child now. Your ex needs to stop turning up twice a day and hurry up and tell your child what has happened so you can start to move forward.

PaterPower · 20/04/2023 20:19

As PP have said, you need to cut contact with your STBEx (sorry, but that’s what she is now) or it’ll start to impact on your MH.

Establish the pattern you would want to see going forward (in terms of your DC) now. So if you think that should be 50:50 then have your STBEx come over on those days only. And go out whilst she does bedtime or whatever.

Your ex is pulling all the strings here and that needs to stop or you’ll not move on. Stop making life easy for her. Stop talking to her, other than strictly what needs to happen on her days with DC and how the divorce will proceed.

I speak from experience in saying the sooner you get to that level of dealing with her, the sooner you’ll get back on your feet.

Original poster

Elektra1 · 20/04/2023 22:03

Yes, you're right. I need to focus on DD now. I am really struggling emotionally.

OP posts:

Ohheyitsme1 · 20/04/2023 22:27

Are you managing to keep busy?

Original poster

Elektra1 · 20/04/2023 22:38

Ohheyitsme1 · 20/04/2023 22:27

Are you managing to keep busy?

Not really as can't concentrate on anything. DD will keep me busy over the weekend.

OP posts:

Urghfedup · 21/04/2023 09:40

If you cannot concentrate in the evenings ( I used to struggle to focus long enough to watch tv) then clear out and clean a kitchen cupboard. Just one per evening. You will feel like you’ve accomplished something and it doesn’t matter if it’s not done properly, just keeps your hands busy to get over the anxiety.

Original poster

Elektra1 · 22/04/2023 06:23

I think I am in a sort of shock. 3 weeks ago DW loved me, told me so regularly, and I loved her and believed we would be together forever. We then went on holiday with a couple we barely knew, and on that holiday I watched one of the other wives make an overt play for DW. DW refused to see this. Still said she loved me.

On the day we returned she said "I need space". 2 days later she said "I want to separate". 2 days later she fucked OW at the first opportunity. She has actually said that this was "the honourable thing" to do.

They are now getting a flat together, i.e. within one month of leaving their marriages, and within just weeks of having met for the first time, they will be living together and expecting our children to visit them there.

DW says everyone (her friends and family) fully support this. I can't believe it. Who could think this is ok? In the meantime she is being absolutely vile to me, denigrating me and saying I am a terrible parent and person, and she wants the house sold asap. I've literally had 1 week to adjust to this and she wants the house on the market.

Am I missing something here? Why is she like this?

OP posts:

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 22/04/2023 10:31

It is seriously f*ed up how lacking in empathy and compassion she is for the way she is just expecting you to 'get with the programme' without any grace given for the bolt from the blue this is. I'm stunned, it's almost sociopathic. I'm sure she's all full of new relationship energy and being very selfish but this is off the scale cold.

I think you need to talk to her family if you can, explain that the children are going to need an ongoing relationship with everyone and that if the family have no idea what is going on for you there is a risk that they will hold inaccurate biased views which could prevent the smooth running of future cooperation.
Tell them you respect (even as you grieve) the right for DW to make a new life with someone else if that's what she wants, but tell them what you've said here, that you can't process the instant dismantling of your whole life and support the children through it if you are expected to do it in an instant. Ask them to counsel her to be a bit more patient and give you time to even take in what has happened.

Shine a light on this with everyone in your lives, be as objective as you can when doing so (people will see with their own eyes what a shock this is - no one could pivot this fast on something so huge), advocate for your own need for compassion, remind people that you're picking up the pieces and it is not in the kids interests of you have a break down because everyone is expecting this to be nothing for you.

Mumrunningsupporter · 22/04/2023 10:46

@Elektra1 she's like that because of her cognitive dissonance. She knows deep down she's been an absolute shit but her ego won't allow her to be that shit person so she projects her shittiness onto you instead.
Psychological theories are all well and good but they're not much help to you as the person who is having to endure all this crap that you haven't deserved.
Hang on in there.

Original poster

Elektra1 · 22/04/2023 11:20

Thank you both, good advice. I don't think her family will actually speak to me. They close ranks in situations like this. I saw it happen to my former brother in law (whom I did keep in touch with privately for a while, until it became too stressful with the family being outraged I would do so). I thought it might be different for me given DW and I have a child but it seems not.

OP posts:

PaterPower · 24/04/2023 19:08

Tell her you’re not doing anything with the house until the divorce is started - that’ll slow her right down. She can’t sell it without your cooperation unless she gets a court order and she won’t be getting that any time soon.

Dig your heels in. Tell her to piss off if she brings it up, and always remember that SHE’S the one rewriting history.

I don’t know you, but it’s unlikely you’re actually a bad parent, so don’t let her tell you otherwise. If she tries to, just shut the conversation down and grey rock her. A bad parent is one that fucks over her wife and then tries to turf her DC out on the street.

Original poster

Elektra1 · 25/04/2023 09:27

I have said we can't do anything about the house until DD has had time to adjust to the news and all of the other changes that will go along with it. DW seems to think that that will all be a matter of weeks. She genuinely believes that she and OW will soon be spending the weekends with kids staying in their new home. Playing happy families. As if OW's 2 kids and our DD are going to be delighted with this "new" family unit.

They're in la-la land. And everything I say that doesn't accord with what DW wants, results in me being accused of being difficult and vindictive. She is stone cold.

OP posts:

LadyJ2023 · 25/04/2023 10:01

If she's ended things there nothing worse you can do than try encouraging her back it will do the opposite. She clearly doesn't live you enough so hard tho it is why would you want her back

Original poster

Elektra1 · 25/04/2023 10:43

LadyJ2023 · 25/04/2023 10:01

If she's ended things there nothing worse you can do than try encouraging her back it will do the opposite. She clearly doesn't live you enough so hard tho it is why would you want her back

I'm trying to come to terms with that. It's just difficult to process the speed of it. 2 weeks ago she was telling me she loved me, having sex with me, and telling me that my belief that OW was pursuing a relationship with her was just my imaginings. She loved me, would never leave me, etc. Within days of that she had left me for OW and is now setting up a whole life with her and expects me and DD to just accept this and move on too.

OP posts:

GanjaDhin · 25/04/2023 11:30

I so feel for you, OP. Sending a huge virtual hug to you. It is an awful situation. She has been horribly disrespectful and cruel. You deserve much better.

is this impetuousness a new thing or was she always like this? It isn’t a good sign.

Original poster

Elektra1 · 25/04/2023 16:27

GanjaDhin · 25/04/2023 11:30

I so feel for you, OP. Sending a huge virtual hug to you. It is an awful situation. She has been horribly disrespectful and cruel. You deserve much better.

is this impetuousness a new thing or was she always like this? It isn’t a good sign.

She has always gone directly from one relationship straight into the next. Very intense very quickly. I knew she was quite immature, emotionally, and selfish in many ways, but she could also be kind, loving, supportive and she is a very impressive charismatic person. She was my best friend as well as my wife. Now she's just... gone.

OP posts:

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 25/04/2023 22:00

Oof. That's a body blow below the belt. 😭

She is being very callous.
Has she asked about the children at all and what your joint approach might be for this split and ask that follows?

Original poster

Elektra1 · 26/04/2023 07:36

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 25/04/2023 22:00

Oof. That's a body blow below the belt. 😭

She is being very callous.
Has she asked about the children at all and what your joint approach might be for this split and ask that follows?

We're starting counselling to discuss arrangements for DD. Having never dealt with a single night waking in 4 years, never got up with DD and dealt with her in the mornings, and barely done any bedtimes (except on rare occasions I've been out for work), she now wants to play super mum and do half the bedtimes and all the mornings (she returns home from her love nest with OW for this).

We'll have to have The Talk with DD quite soon and I honestly don't know how I will get through that.

OP posts:

neilyoungismyhero · 05/08/2023 15:41

Elektra1 · 17/04/2023 21:13

Different scenario in that she has admitted it, but it's ok (as she sees it, I think) because she told me on day 1 that we were done, and 48 hours later this happened, so the 2 are completely unrelated. She was already "single" (we are married) when it happened.

Show quote history

It's the old 'on a break' scenario.

bored2345 · 21/10/2023 19:57

How are you doing op ?

NorthernSturdyGirl · 27/02/2024 15:17

You need to play the long game.

Let her go for now and in doing so, tell her how you weren't aware of her feeling your relationship was in trouble and so you feel she didn't give the relationship a chance. Explain you love her, and would have fought for the relationship but now feel betrayed as mentally, if not physically she started another relationship before announcing her feelings. Tell her you are letting her go for the sake of the kids as they shouldn't live in a toxic environment where parents don't speak honestly and with care and respect for the family.

She doesn't deserve you, it could be a case of the grass is greener, she could have just outgrown you but it could also be an unfortunate outcome to her inability to communicate.

Crack on with your life. As the sating goes, if you love them, set them free...she may come back of her own accord but then you set the terms. She clearly didn't want you to fight for her or she would have spoken up earlier? Or did she and you failed to realise the depth of her concern?

Its devastating, I know but she feels differently to you and this is not your decision to make, she forced it upon you. Let her go with dignity, show her you can do this on your own and I think she will be surprised at your reaction.

She is in the lived up stage right now, its a been a romantic secret but once reality sets in, things will chane for her.

Surfapparel · 27/02/2024 15:23

@NorthernSturdyGirl this thread is a year old

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