Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner's affair

98 replies

Elektra1 · 17/04/2023 03:48

A couple of weeks ago DW and I were happy - a few problems in our relationship but loved each other, had fun together, have a lovely life with our child.

A week ago DW told me she'd been unhappy for ages, we have never resolved the issues we argue about and she didn't know what she wanted, and needed time to think. 2 days later she said we were separated.

This coincided with us having spent a lot of time with another couple, one half of which clearly has the hots for DW (we're all women). DW and this woman have (she told me) been confiding about their terrible marriages and had excluded me and the other wife from their activities. DW denied anything going on. I have now seen the proof that something is going on and it's obviously this which is swaying DW's thinking about our marriage.

What do I do? I want DW to come to her senses and realise what she is throwing away here, but I know what it's like when you've got the hots for someone new and can think of nothing else. I said I'd give DW space but she keeps insisting we are separated and she won't change her mind. The other woman also has 2 kids whose lives will be broken by this (as well as our kid's). It's all a mess and I don't think she's thought for a second of the long term consequences.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elektra1 · 19/04/2023 10:08

It's so hard and it hurts too much. I can't do it.

OP posts:
Naunet · 19/04/2023 12:00

Elektra1 · 19/04/2023 10:08

It's so hard and it hurts too much. I can't do it.

You can and you will. I know it hurts, I really do, but you can get through this and it will be a lot less painful in the long run. Could you get some therapy to help come to terms with things and just to give you a bit of support through those early days of the split? Look after yourself, be kind to yourself and know that you WILL get through this. X

Ohheyitsme1 · 19/04/2023 17:44

You will get through it. I know it feels impossible, I really do. I remember being in your position (no kids) and planning my suicide because I just couldn’t see a way out. I couldn’t breathe sometimes because of the pain. I would drive with no destination all day and all night on my days off, just so I didn’t have to stop and think.

Fast forward to now and I’m married to someone new, we have a child, have bought a house and I can honestly say that the previous breakup was such a blessing in disguise. I wouldn’t go back there if you paid me a million pounds.

You’ll survive this, take it easy for now and don’t expect too much of yourself.

Moser85 · 20/04/2023 03:17

Elektra1 · 19/04/2023 06:46

No I don't think so

Good. I'd be fighting to stay in the house if you think it's in your childs best interests.
I wouldn't let your wife know just yet though, let her think it's all going to be as simple as she thinks it's going to be

Say I'm not happy ✅
"Separate" ✅
OW does the same✅
Start 'honest' relationship with OW ✅
Sell house

Buy new house and enjoy perfect life (because no one will judge us because we handled it so well 😂)

Fuck her. If you want to stay where you are fight her all the way.
'

Moser85 · 20/04/2023 03:18

Elektra1 · 19/04/2023 10:08

It's so hard and it hurts too much. I can't do it.

You WILL get through this. ❤
I hope you find your anger soon.

Do you have support in real life apart from the OW's wife?

canyoufeedthedog · 20/04/2023 03:44

She won't because us telling her will not be enough.

canyoufeedthedog · 20/04/2023 03:48

We tell these women , they don't listen.

Original poster
Elektra1 · 20/04/2023 05:29

I have told a few friends, who are being supportive. I'm just so stunned that in the space of a week DW has gone from "I love you" to "this has been awful for years, you know it too, and there is no point trying any more". We have a small child, I'm getting therapy, we could have couples counselling, but she says no. Of course there is a point in trying! If not for OW, I know she would.

OW's wife doesn't want to speak any more because "OW hates it"! Things she had said to me about OW and things I had said to her about DW had got back to each of them and it must all be a bit uncomfortable. So OW has got her wife to say no further contact. Nice that OW gets to dictate what happens in everyone's lives.

I wish I could get angry with DW but I am just so sad and my life is so grey without her in it.

OP posts:
Moser85 · 20/04/2023 05:42

It's obviously a huge shock but it's incredibly common among cheaters, they totally rewrite the relationship and convince themselves that their blatant lies were true.

The OWs wife is no longer speaking to you because the OW told her not to?? She must still be stringing her along then telling her that there's hope that they'll get back together.

You will get angry eventually, you probably can't force it but it will come.
Of course you're sad 💔your wife has been awful....you barely had time to breathe and she was with the OW, that makes everything 1000 times worse. It will pass and there will be brighter days. It's just difficult right now 💔

I am glad your friends are being supportive and that you're getting therapy.

Original poster
Elektra1 · 20/04/2023 08:08

The OW definitely isn't telling her wife they will stay together. DW has just told me that she is staying in a hotel with OW and they are looking at getting a flat.

OW wife needs to keep OW sweet because OW has already proposed a financial arrangement which presumably OW wife is happy with.

DW just said to me, when I asked her why she can't see how hurtful all this is "I have actually done the honourable thing by ending our marriage first." And then starting her new relationship 2 days later. With someone else's wife.

OP posts:
Ohheyitsme1 · 20/04/2023 11:05

OP, you need to start looking after yourself here. You need to protect yourself financially and try to prepare for a life without her.

It seems clear from what you’re posting that she mentally left your marriage long before she physically did, in spite of telling you she loved you.

Keep in mind that when you divorce, you can’t use adultery as the reason. Speak with a solicitor asap and try to accept that she isn’t coming home. I’m sorry, it must be so difficult right now.

Original poster
Elektra1 · 20/04/2023 11:14

I've accepted it's over. I can't accept the speed with which she is now in a new relationship - with someone else's wife, 2 kids on that side too - and seems to believe this is all going to be ok for the kids, who literally 10 days ago were on holiday with us all together as just 2 families on holiday together. Now the mums (or one of each couple) are together. Getting a flat together. What? How is that something that can be explained to little kids?

OP posts:
Ohheyitsme1 · 20/04/2023 11:21

That’s the thing though, for all intents and purposes it’s not a new relationship. She didn’t leave you then meet someone in a pub 2 days later. She’s been with this other person for a longer time, regardless of what she may tell you.

I know it’s impossible to explain all this to young kids; it’s hard to understand it even as an adult.

It’s appalling that they could go on holiday as two families together while this was going on, but people do it. I know first hand exactly what that’s like, and it cuts you deep.

afternoonofthetriffids · 20/04/2023 14:29

I have been in your position (same-sex marriage too). Two little children, four months old and 2.

ExW met one half of a couple, grew close and there was an affair which went on for seven months before I found out (although my gut told me something was deeply wrong during this time). The other wife and I were cast aside. They left to be together but the pain of the affair, the impact on me and the children was overwhelming. I genuinely didn’t know how I could get through the day. Then the day after that, and so on. It was awful. I returned to work after maternity leave, navigated co-parenting, divorce, looking after young kids alone and not as part of the team I had signed up to.

That was five years ago, and……….it will be awful for a long time, and their breathtakingly selfish behaviour will hurt. Sometimes I still get caught off-guard by it when I remember a particular event. However - five years on, I have two fabulous children and we have made so many wonderful memories just the three of us. I’ve really progressed in work and I also have my own place that is just mine. I look back now and I don’t know how I got through it, but I did and you will too. You CAN do this, and I can honestly say although it doesn’t feel like it now - one day you will be really proud of yourself for how you managed this awful situation.

Mysassfeet · 20/04/2023 14:37

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Elektra1 · 20/04/2023 15:37

Ohheyitsme1 · 20/04/2023 11:21

That’s the thing though, for all intents and purposes it’s not a new relationship. She didn’t leave you then meet someone in a pub 2 days later. She’s been with this other person for a longer time, regardless of what she may tell you.

I know it’s impossible to explain all this to young kids; it’s hard to understand it even as an adult.

It’s appalling that they could go on holiday as two families together while this was going on, but people do it. I know first hand exactly what that’s like, and it cuts you deep.

She definitely wasn't with her before the holiday, because we barely knew them. We just went on holiday at the same time to the same place. She returned from holiday after spending the week talking to this woman about how terrible their respective marriages were, said she needed "space", 4 days later said she was going to stay at her parents' (who were away) for a few nights and OW was round there like a shot that night and "it happened".

OP posts:
Original poster
Elektra1 · 20/04/2023 15:38

afternoonofthetriffids · 20/04/2023 14:29

I have been in your position (same-sex marriage too). Two little children, four months old and 2.

ExW met one half of a couple, grew close and there was an affair which went on for seven months before I found out (although my gut told me something was deeply wrong during this time). The other wife and I were cast aside. They left to be together but the pain of the affair, the impact on me and the children was overwhelming. I genuinely didn’t know how I could get through the day. Then the day after that, and so on. It was awful. I returned to work after maternity leave, navigated co-parenting, divorce, looking after young kids alone and not as part of the team I had signed up to.

That was five years ago, and……….it will be awful for a long time, and their breathtakingly selfish behaviour will hurt. Sometimes I still get caught off-guard by it when I remember a particular event. However - five years on, I have two fabulous children and we have made so many wonderful memories just the three of us. I’ve really progressed in work and I also have my own place that is just mine. I look back now and I don’t know how I got through it, but I did and you will too. You CAN do this, and I can honestly say although it doesn’t feel like it now - one day you will be really proud of yourself for how you managed this awful situation.

Thank you. I can barely get from hour to hour at the moment. The speed of this is breathtaking.

OP posts:
Moser85 · 20/04/2023 16:07

You need to cut contact with her as much as possible. There's no point in wasting energy trying to convince her she was wrong and hurtful and so on, she's just going to keep doubling down on how ok it was.

She clearly doesn't care about the impact on your child now or on the OWs children so again it's a waste of energy trying to get her to see sense. She is choosing to not see sense because she wants to do what she wants to do.

Ohheyitsme1 · 20/04/2023 18:13

Who has your child just now, OP?

Original poster
Elektra1 · 20/04/2023 18:37

Ohheyitsme1 · 20/04/2023 18:13

Who has your child just now, OP?

I'm at home with her, DW is staying in a hotel with OW and returns home in the evenings and mornings as she would usually be around then (although I have always done the actual bath and bed routine) and usually takes DD to nursery.

However, it is too hard being physically together - and DD has definitely noticed that we are not speaking in the usual way and is disturbed by it - and I think I will need to say to her that she should come and do the whole bedtime routine on certain days and I will go out while she does it.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 20/04/2023 18:57

This is all going to come falling down on your wife.

OW is not going to get a flat with your wife when she's got it so cushy. She'll be back with her own wife soon enough.

justanotherdrama · 20/04/2023 19:08

@Elektra1
I'm so sorry your going thru this but why on earth would you want her back you clearly can't trust her and she's already moved on as you said, at speed!!!
I think you need to focus on you and your daughter and move on - time is a healer as they say it'll get better with time but I know it's hard at the moment - stay strong.

Moser85 · 20/04/2023 19:12

Elektra1 · 20/04/2023 18:37

I'm at home with her, DW is staying in a hotel with OW and returns home in the evenings and mornings as she would usually be around then (although I have always done the actual bath and bed routine) and usually takes DD to nursery.

However, it is too hard being physically together - and DD has definitely noticed that we are not speaking in the usual way and is disturbed by it - and I think I will need to say to her that she should come and do the whole bedtime routine on certain days and I will go out while she does it.

Show quote history

Yes you shouldn't allow her to pop over every morning and evening.

If your daughter has already noticed and is distressed by it then don't confuse the situation more by pretending your wife is still living at home when she isn't.

GoodChat · 20/04/2023 19:18

GoodChat · 20/04/2023 18:57

This is all going to come falling down on your wife.

OW is not going to get a flat with your wife when she's got it so cushy. She'll be back with her own wife soon enough.

Sorry I read it as the OW returning home morning and night

DespondentOizys · 20/04/2023 19:46

If your child went through the same thing, what would you tell them?
Surely their self worth and wellbeing would be paramount, even if they said they loved their partner and was willing to make it work. You wouldn't really be 100% behind giving the ok to get back and try again would you? After all that hurt and deceitful behaviour.
So why do it to yourself, when your self worth, when your wellbeing and your child's is the subject?