Poor communication - is it me?

[Moredrama]

DH and I were having a discussion and I was giving my view on something (not something he did, but someone in his family) and he started raising his voice and said to stop having a go at him, I calmly told him that I wasn’t and that I was just talking to him, but he went on a rant and stormed off. (For context, we had been having another discussion prior to this and were just chatting normally).
I went and sat next to him and tried to calmly talk to him, explaining that I wasn’t happy with how he had just blown up, but he just carried on at me.
I told him he was out of order still going on like that when I was trying to talk to him in a calm and respectful way, but he wouldn’t back down and hear me out, he just kept saying that I don’t see what I am doing wrong and it’s me who’s the problem.
He then said this is why he doesn’t tell me things because I just overreact and question him. This really angered me because there’s been a lot of issues over his lack of communication (from small things to very significant things).

Is this right, that it’s actually my fault because I make it hard for him to talk to me because of my “overreactions” (his words)?
I do have a tendency to question things if they don’t stack up, or if I’ve not quite got the full picture to understand a situation, which can often lead to him getting defensive.
Am I doing something wrong without realising it, and if so, how do I change that?

I'm finding this a good read for somewhat similar issues https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/184188295X/ref=dpobbnevamobile

I feel like your H on occasion. It may not be the case here, but it can feel a bit like the Spanish inquisition when I get lots of questions about something I don't know much about. Could that be the case here?

FWIW I try to reign these thoughts in but not always successfully.

Also we have poor communication too, Which really hinders things.

Thanks @Keepithidden I do get that with some things if he doesn’t know any more than he’s already told me it could be frustrating. In this instance I wasn’t asking questions just stating observations.
He also gets very defensive if it’s something he’s done though, which he obviously knows the ins and outs of but doesn’t disclose because he knows it’s something I wouldn’t be happy with (rightly so) and doesn’t want to be accountable or address the issue.

Maybe I need to try to hold back on asking questions about things that aren’t specific to our relationship, so that it doesn’t feel like I’m “always” questioning things

Thanks @VenusOfTheKitchen I have seen this author mentioned previously and googled it, but I didn’t realise there was a book.
How are you finding it? Do you and your partner both read it and discuss it?

I'm reading it independently, there's a chapter near the start about a negative pattern that happens when relationships go downhill and defensiveness and not wanting to keep talking is part of it. It's evidence based so that was useful for understanding the other half that feeds into the pattern. Haven't finished the book yet.

It's so hard to say without hearing tone of voice.

It’s your DH that’s got immature/poor communication skills.

I agree it’s your DH. How were his parents with him? Hyper critical? Overly punitive?

@ClumsyCat His stepfather was abusive. I’ve observed his DM being overly critical, but unsure whether she was like this when he was a child or just as an adult.

I do wonder whether he behaves the way he does because he can’t cope with any perceived criticism, but it’s very hard to live with.
I just don’t know if I’m approaching things in the wrong way too which is making it worse

I had said I wasn’t having a go at him or blaming him for anything, but he just kept on despite me trying to diffuse the situation. Then blamed me.
We spoke about it again later and it just ended up the same way; me trying to be calm and explain things, him getting defensive and raising his voice, despite me saying again that I wasn’t blaming him for anything (other than me saying I had issue with the way he had spoken to me earlier)

Watching with interest as I’m curious about this too.

Defensiveness isn’t helpful. I used to be, less so now.

I think he will turn everything you say into criticism in his own mind and there isn’t much you can do about that.

All you can really do is try to train him. Pull him up when demonstrates that he is fabricating what he thinks you mean in his own head instead of listening to what you are actually saying. Let him know that it is abusive to do it and he needs to stop and never do it again.

Good luck.

I’d say he’s overreacted but it’s worth bearing in mind he blew up and you followed him, I know if I get annoyed I just want to be left for a bit and calm down (DH forgets this sometimes and it winds me up). What’s he normally like about criticising his family? DH can be sensitive about that I find.

Thanks @ClumsyCat
I tried to talk to him about it, highlighting that he had got defensive when it wasn’t anything to do with him, just an observation about someone else. I asked what I can do to help with the situation and he said my tone (which is hard because I was calm when talking to him and I didn’t think my tone was off, so I don’t know how to do it differently? I need to look into that), then I asked what he could do to help and he said “nothing”. He then refused to discuss any further. So it feels like he just wants to shift it all on to me rather than change anything himself. I worry that this will just lead to me having to tip-toe around him all the time for fear of saying the wrong thing because it’s my responsibility to not trigger him rather than us both working through issues together

My hubby used to be like this but now we can talk about anything. Turned out he felt bombarded by questions from me and also came from a family that never talked and when they did it was always huge bust ups between his parents so he thought by avoiding serious chats it would avoid shouting etc. We sorted it between us and for the last 3 years talk about anything normally now and it's also improved with the kids instead of avoiding the older ones in depth stuff he faces it now so all in all communication is great now. And how we got to the bottom of it I arranged a nice meal etc no kids one night as I was so frustrated about feeling like I had to dodge subjects.Made it clear we would be chatting at the meal and ye never looked back since. Good luck 🙂

This talk explains how conversations in relationships can head off in directions that are not helpful for healthy communication.
I hope you find it useful.

I have had this problem with ex's reacting like your DH and I think it's because they perceive any questions or comments that aren't complete agreement (even if observations) as criticism. And are not good at dealing with criticism - is he a bit insecure otherwise? Not being able to deal with dissenting views often stems from lack of confidence/insecurity that a highly critical upbringing could cause. He's not that confident about expressing his opinions and then feels attacked having to defend it.

It's like you get hyper defensive people at work if you say anything a little questioning. I don't know what the answer is other than phrasing it in a more conversational gentle way, like "so what do you think of this" " is it at all possible that' - that sort of language. It is frustrating as you feel you're walking on egg shells but you need to pick your battles. Strong reassurance and validation of his opinion before you express an adverse feeling would help too.

Can you help him work on his self esteem/confidence in general? Not in an obvious way but by bolstering him when he's done something good, encouraging him to tell you what he thinks etc. Almost like you would a child. I know it's hard work and I've never managed it as I get so resentful of doing it but if you love him and it's a good relationship otherwise these techniques may help. Otherwise therapy or books on how both of you can manage conflict and communicating better and you work on it together.

I think you have a good point. I didn’t follow him to chase an argument and felt that by sitting next to him calmly trying to resolve it would be helpful, but I suppose it doesn’t necessarily mean that’s how he saw it.
He has such a bad habit of walking away when he doesn’t want to deal with things that it causes frustration and resentment in me, but over time I have tried to deal with it in a more calm and rational way, accepting that fighting fire with fire isn’t going to benefit the situation.

Just to add, I don’t tend to talk negatively about his family, I think there was only 1 other occasion where I was made to feel quite uncomfortable and I told him, not to attack his family but because I was upset. That ended in an argument.

This is really positive and reassuring. It feels hopeless at the moment so it’s good to hear that someone has been in a similar situation and managed to overcome it.

I have tried to change my approach over the last year and go in gently gently, but it still always results in the same, him flipping and turning it into an argument. So it just feels like it doesn’t matter how I approach things, if I’m not saying something he wants to hear he will react the same way.
Perhaps trying to discuss things in a neutral and relaxing location will help, so he feels it’s more of a general chat

This is really helpful and thought provoking.

He actually does lack in confidence a bit but hides it well so I guess it just didn’t occur to me that this could be part of the issue.
I do show positive encouragement if he’s done something good at home or at work.
He’s also someone who can do a couple of bits of housework and want lots of recognition for it, even though I do 98% of the housework. I thought it was just a bit of a man thing (sorry to anyone who finds that offensive), but perhaps it is him needing reassurance and validation?

I’ve suggested counselling a few times but he won’t go for it. The books seem like a good way to try and move forward

He sounds immature and no amount of calmness or positive reinforcement is going to change it. Wether he walks away or blows up, it amounts to the same thing, he wants you to STFU. At present him walking away or blowing up has no negative consequences because you are still there taking his crap.

His behaviour probably does stem from childhood and therefore entrenched, I suspect professional support is needed but I only see that happening if he has no choice, I.e an ultimatum.

OP you aren’t a therapist and although reading up on this might help you understand his behaviour, it won’t change it because only he can do that.

Sorry, cross posted. If he won’t go for counselling then your choices are to suck up his immaturity or threaten (and mean it) to leave. He sounds emotionally stunted and there’s no way I’ll be praising someone for doing 2% of the housework whilst I did 98%.

@AgentJohnson This is how I feel, but am hoping to be wrong. I guess I can just try the books and if they don’t work then at least I tried.
I already said about counselling and that I’d leave if not but it didn’t happen and I’m still here (wasn’t actually ready to leave just hoped it would make him realise I was serious), so it’s pointless even mentioning that now.

Regarding the housework, I definitely don’t praise him, it’s basic adulting.
Only when it’s something of noted achievement (work accomplishments, etc) do I give praise.